An Ace and an Allo

[Goosemcgoose]

Hi all.

A bit of backstory.

I'm 22 and still a virgin afab. I've had the feeling I was either Trans (sex aversed because my genitalia didnt fit) or Ace (the idea of penetrative sex puts me into a fight or flight mode and everything hurts). For the past year I've been with a wonderful guy who is hypersexual. We're long distance and have met in person once, which was a lovely time... aside from when any sexual intimacy was initiated.

I enjoy most forms of intimacy, and can do a lot without feeling bad, but my boundary is penetrative. I cannot do it. No matter how much I've tried or what I've done it terrifies me to no end and I end up panicked, in tears and hiding away.

 

The issue, as I've read a few threads here on, is that he feels bad about needing sex and doesn't want to pressure me into doing anything im not comfortable with but needs that sexual intimacy, and I feel worthless and broken for not being able to provide it.

Even before the relationship began we both knew this would be a problem, but have been dancing around it and hoping it would go away (mostly on my part). Or at the very least, exploring the possibility of my not being sexually active by having an open relationship. Plus we're each other's best friend, and neither of us want to give up the special bond we share just because of this.

 

Well... shit hit the fan yesterday. I came to the realization that I am almost 100% Ace and will likely never have sex. Hurtful things were said, tears were shed and every possible fix we could think of was discussed, but it all ended in a stalemate of neither of us knowing what to do and the other trying to take the blame for it all. (That's just how we are)

We tried the open relationship, only to realize it causes too much stress for him, and only leads to his feeling like an adulterer despite discussing and affirming our arrangement.

We've tried to discuss compromises, where there is sex but no penetration, but that didnt work either, because it didn't feel like real sex or hit the points on his side of the fulfillment.

 

Im now at a point where I just don't know what to do. I don't want to break up because I love him very much, but there's only so many times a coddling reply of my lack of sex being okay in the relationship to realize im being lied to and it is, in fact, not okay.

[Liara]

You can’t comprise, he can’t celibate, ENM doesn’t work… sadly there is no other option than break up. You can’t force who you are and he can’t give up that part of him. That will not disappear with time, only getting more and more resent and anger and sadness. Yeah, it’s unfair…

Maybe you can still stay best friends, while finding more compatible partners?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

@Goosemcgoose I know it's a really bad experience to have as much sexual incompatibility, but that's what it is, but it doesn't sound like there's a solution and if you do love each other then maybe it's for the best to not be in that type of relationship. It will hurt, but you'll be able to find better ground.

[Olallieberry]

5 hours ago, Goosemcgoose said:

Hurtful things were said

I assume that this means, "by him toward you?"

 

5 hours ago, Goosemcgoose said:

I love him very much, but [...] to realize im being lied to

Is this something which was happening all along? Or is it just something you realized starting yesterday?

 

Will it continue?

 

One can love someone who lies. But lying hurts. Can one remain in a relationship with someone who behaves hurtfully?

 

5 hours ago, Goosemcgoose said:

I feel worthless and broken for not being able to provide [sex]

You aren't, you don't have to feel this way.

 

Is he making you feel this way, with the hurtful statements we were talking about?

 

So:

I speak as the allo in a relationship like this. I also speak as someone who has been a grown-ass man for decades. And this guy doesn't sound mature enough to be a partner while you set your boundaries.

 

Sometimes love sucks - and hurts. A breakup hurts for a little while. Not breaking up might hurt forever.

 

If I were talking to the guy, I'd mostly say the same thing. But I'd say it in a different way. Look at it this way - he's hurting too. But to you I'd say, don't let him keep putting you through this. To him, I'd say, don't keep putting himself and his partner through it.

 

It's possible that he'll mature into someone who's capable of navigating this stuff without lashing out, without exercising defense mechanisms which hurt you both, and without wallowing in his own self-loathing. But that would take a long time, and meanwhile it still royally sucks for you both.

 

And it's also possible that he won't.

 

Either way, it isn't something you can make him do or do for him or even really help him do.

 

Do you have any confidence that he can grow in this way?

 

Is it something you want to take a chance and wait for?

 

I get that you love each other. This is why love is so hard sometimes. Sometimes people who love each other just can't be together.

 

This isn't me recommending that you break up. It's me validating the idea that it's OK to, if there's something inside which says maybe you should but you don't want to listen to that because it seems "wrong." It doesn't have to be wrong.

It might really suck for a while, but it is OK to just be honest with oneself and with one's partner about whether the alternative sucks more - and will suck unceasingly.

 

Again - I'm not recommending it. I'm not here to say "this is what I think you should do now." I just recommend that such a choice, one way or the other, to not be based off of running away from the possibility.

[Goosemcgoose]

8 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

I assume that this means, "by him toward you?"

No, it was both.

 

8 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

Is this something which was happening all along? Or is it just something you realized starting yesterday?

 

It's been happening all along. I've made it sound more dramatic than it is, but essentially the "lie" was him telling me my lack of sex was not an issue, and we would be able to work around it somehow. But of course, it very much *is* an issue and he was saying so just to make me feel better every time.

 

8 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

Is he making you feel this way, with the hurtful statements we were talking about?

He has never made me feel bad about possibly being ace. He has never said any disparaging comments towards me. Any negativity and deprecation in the post is my thoughts alone. I struggle with

There is a lot of nuance and an entire two year relationship I couldn't fit into the initial post.

 

But... it is seeming more and more like a relationship just isnt viable anymore.

[Olallieberry]

10 hours ago, Goosemcgoose said:

I've made it sound more dramatic than it is, but essentially the "lie" was him telling me my lack of sex was not an issue, and we would be able to work around it somehow. But of course, it very much *is* an issue and he was saying so just to make me feel better every time.

Oh, ok. It sounded like you expected him to continue doing this.

 

Do you? Or has he overcome that behavior and can be honest now?