My girlfriend is wondering if she's asexual and I don't know what to think

[Cherr]

Hey! First of all, I want to say that I do not identify as asexual. I saw that most of the users on this forum are asexual, but I was not able to find another active forum that could potentially answer my questions. I will try to write everything I know about her and what she told me about this topic.

Starting from the beginning, we met on a dating app. I am 24 and she is 23. We met a few times and then we started dating, since then a few months have passed. She told me that I was her first boyfriend, so I did everything with her slowly, step by step.

At first, holding hands, walking, going out for tea, chilling in the room and watching anime together. Before being with me, she did not even hold hands, but I will get to that point later. Of course, she also tried kissing with me. She was often embarrassed. Generally, we did not have sex, but we did cuddle in underwear. I gently and naturally fingered her twice with the consent of both parties, I can't say much about it because she was simply embarrassed. She didn't have an orgasm, but I didn't expect one at first. I don't have much experience myself, so the foreplay could have been a bit clumsy

 

Getting to the heart of the matter - at the last meeting when we were making out, she told me that a long time ago (she was about 11-13?) she started to think whether she was asexual. She explained it to me in this way: she liked a boy once and imagined cuddling, going together, you know what I mean - on one school trip they were sitting together and this boy fell asleep and then leaned against her. She understood that she didn't like it at all and it literally irritated her and she didn't know why.

 

It turned out that she has this strange aversion to touch - and I don't mean erotic touch at all, just regular touch. She said that when she was little, the hugs from her mother irritated her. Even when she's riding a bus and someone brushes up against her in it, it also irritates her. It was the same with me at first, BUT - she started to like it. Cuddles, holding hands, she said it was nice. When we don't see each other for over a week, she feels like she misses me. Is she still not fully convinced about kissing? She said something about it, but unfortunately I don't remember how she described it exactly. Something along the lines of "I'm not sure I get it yet, but it's better than before"

 

Another important thing - she got interested in masturbation at the age of 21, so very late. Apparently it's hard for her to reach orgasm. She lives in a house where she practically never has privacy, she's afraid that if she does something at night (and she hears it), others will hear it too, which distracts her. Unfortunately, when we're in my room, there's also a lot of noise, because I live with roommates. So, well, she didn't manage to reach orgasm.

 

Going further - when we make out in underwear, she wants to do it in the dark, she doesn't like me looking at her breasts when it's light. I assume she's ashamed. She also asked me once about her weight, which in my opinion is honestly perfectly normal, I didn't even know what the problem was. She also has a few other complexes, but it's probably not important for me to list them. Anyway, with each one I let her know that I find her very attractive - but she's a shy person after all.

 

When it comes to sexual things, I once asked her about her preferences, and she said she liked arms and my butt. I don't know if this information is worth anything, but I'm trying to provide as much information here as possible that may be related to the topic.

 

She's mega cute, a little weird, and I love her. But I didn't expect for a moment that she had such an internal dilemma. When we meet next week, I plan to discuss it with her, but until then I'd like to ask you for your opinion.

 

What do you think about it? The late start of masturbation is odd, it could be because of the lack of privacy in her home and the fact that she went to a Catholic school. The aversion to any kind of touch is also odd, because I wouldn't even associate it with asexuality. Some weird sensory sensivity. I guess the difficulty of reaching orgasm could also have something to do with it, but I guess even non-asexual people can have that? Can't ask anyone and I'm not a girl myself so.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hey @Cherr

 

I think she'll have to find out what intimacy can look for her and if sex can fall into what she wants. There could be different things going on. She might not be very sexual, or maybe she's asexual. As far as touch goes, maybe it takes to have a close bond for her to feel good to share intimacy that way. Maybe that's enough for her and she won't care about sex, but only she can know that. Kissing can be cute and affectionate, or it can be sloppy and sexual - that's how I make the difference, I love affectionate kissing but I don't like kissing with tongue, it feels very different.  Maybe it's like that for her (and she's still figuring out what physical intimacy means for her).

 

Feeling like self-pleasuring has more to do with libido than sexual attraction. Low libido is different than asexuality but it can make someone less interested in sex too or have trouble reaching orgasm. Sometimes things can still kick into gear if someone is interested in someone sexually, but if you pair that with being either not very sexual or asexual, then it can make it even harder to be into sexuality.

I think either way you can't bank on that she'll be interested sex. Whether she can come to appreciate that type of intimacy is really down to her.

[Cherr]

Hi @Sarah-Sylvia

 

So, if you were to guess, you'd rather think she's asexual over being a late bloomer then right? We've had only one short converstaion about it (that's where she mentioned it) and since then I've been thinking over it because, honestly, I don't want to take this option into account for two reasons.

1 - I think my libido is a bit on a higher end, I didn't mind not having sex with her up until now because I thought she's just shy & I wanted to take small steps with her so she can get used to being in a relationship with most basic stuff and then it would work like usual. But, if it turns out it doesn't change much and she just works like that, that'd be bad. Not only because of my libido, but...

2 - ...because I really, really like her and apart from this issue, everything else is perfect. It would break my heart if I had to break up with her because of incompatible sexuality. When I'm with someone, I look *long term* - and I'm 99.9% sure that I will not be able to give up sexual stuff for the whole relationship. I couldn't force my own needs on her either even if she agreed to have sex for my sake, because I would know deep down that she just doesn't enjoy it - and I want my partner to enjoy it, A LOT. It...just wouldn't work out.


I will talk about it with her, but for now I just need to talk with someone who's knowledgable in this subject.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

48 minutes ago, Cherr said:

Hi @Sarah-Sylvia

 

So, if you were to guess, you'd rather think she's asexual over being a late bloomer then right? We've had only one short converstaion about it (that's where she mentioned it) and since then I've been thinking over it because, honestly, I don't want to take this option into account for two reasons.

1 - I think my libido is a bit on a higher end, I didn't mind not having sex with her up until now because I thought she's just shy & I wanted to take small steps with her so she can get used to being in a relationship with most basic stuff and then it would work like usual. But, if it turns out it doesn't change much and she just works like that, that'd be bad. Not only because of my libido, but...

2 - ...because I really, really like her and apart from this issue, everything else is perfect. It would break my heart if I had to break up with her because of incompatible sexuality. When I'm with someone, I look *long term* - and I'm 99.9% sure that I will not be able to give up sexual stuff for the whole relationship. I couldn't force my own needs on her either even if she agreed to have sex for my sake, because I would know deep down that she just doesn't enjoy it - and I want my partner to enjoy it, A LOT. It...just wouldn't work out.


I will talk about it with her, but for now I just need to talk with someone who's knowledgable in this subject.

I can't know more about her feelings than her, it does happen sometimes that someone is a late bloomer but if she's mentioned asexuality maybe it's because she doesn't think she really will have that kind of interest with someone. She's gotten comfortable and likes physical intimacy but sex still hasn't shown up. All I can say is that she seems to be less sexual one way or another. Whether that means being asexual or not. Maybe time will tell more for her, but maybe not.

 

I know it can be hard,.. if you check out the section for sexual partners, you'll see that you're not the only sexual person who struggles with the incompatibility. Some try to make it work one way or another but it can be something that feels 'missing' and in plenty of situations it can be a reason to part ways. Some sexual people feel like they want it as part of intimacy with someone they love, while others (especially when asexual) don't feel that same feeling. It can be a big incompatibility for that reason (in those cases).

[Olallieberry]

2 hours ago, Cherr said:

Hey! First of all, I want to say that I do not identify as asexual. I saw that most of the users on this forum are asexual, but I was not able to find another active forum that could potentially answer my questions.

You may be interested in the AVEN subforum For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies where there are many people in similar situations to yours.

[ei-hvað]

This thread has been moved to the "For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies" forum.

 

ei-hvað,

Asexual Relationships and Open Mic moderator.