The logistics of an open relationship. How do you even do that kind of thing?

[Frozen Planets]

A year and a half ago my wife figured out that she's ace. It was an amazing thing for our relationship, it gave us both a ton of new understanding and helped us examine sexuality and attraction with a new framework. Our relationship is honestly doing better than ever. I love her and I would give up sex for the rest of my life to be with her if I had to.

 

We have sex every once in a while, only when she wants to and initiates it. She enjoys sex those times, but other than those moments she's generally sex averse, and averse to most non-sexual physical intimacy. I avoid initiating because I don't ever want her to feel pressured into doing something she doesn't want. The lack of sex / physical intimacy is very difficult for me - I have a very high libido - but I'm learning to deal with it over time, and to me she's 100% worth it.

 

Multiple times my wife has suggested polyamory / an open relationship so I can get my sexual needs met elsewhere. It's not what I would choose, the idea of having sex with someone other than my wife is very bittersweet to me, but I'm trying to keep an open mind about it because it's distressing for her to feel like she's causing me pain or holding me back in some way. I've reassured her that I want to be with her and love her no matter what, but I know it would be a weight off her shoulders if I was getting that need met by someone else.

 

The thing that I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around is how I would even go about it. We have 2 young kids, and the idea of dating sounds fucking exhausting. Me and my wife started dating 17 years ago (we're both 33 now), so I've never used a dating app but they sound horrible. Some kind of friends with benefits situation could be on the table but I don't have anyone eligible to proposition for something like that. I'm a very introverted person, so I have a pretty small group of close friends and they're all in committed monogamous relationships.

I'm sure it's some lack of creativity on my part, but I'm really having a hard time figuring out how I would find/connect with people for this sort of thing. Are there swinger parties for allo/ace couples where the allos hookup and the aces eat cake in the other room? (If not maybe there should be.) If anyone has been in a similar situation and can share any insights or experiences it would be greatly appreciated. Also realizing I left out, I'm heterosexual and male if that's helpful context. Thanks!

[Olallieberry]

Hi, welcome

 

What if you didn't feel like it's something you have to actively pursue, but instead something you can make yourself available for if it just happens naturally in your life sometime in the future?

 

Like, for me, I've had the extramarital pass for almost two years now, and what's really good and positive about it is that it keeps me from feeling like the entire rest of my life will be celibate. I don't have to say "no" to situations which arise naturally as I go about my life and meet people who like me. Several times over a fifteen year period I found myself in situations like that and put the brakes on, hard. Now I can respond to that interest without being "unfaithful." That's what the major benefit of having a pass is, to me, it's not so much about going out and scoring as often as possible.

 

1 hour ago, Frozen Planets said:

It's not what I would choose, the idea of having sex with someone other than my wife is very bittersweet to me

Me too. I don't want extramarital sex because I don't love my wife, I want it because I do.

[Philip027]

I feel like this is something you have to be on board with, if at all.  Your wife (or anyone else) can't just encourage someone else to "be poly" if that simply isn't what they are.  I don't see it as much different than trying to pressure a gay guy into getting a wife.  It's missing the plot.

 

In her defense, it's a pretty common asexual "thing" to regard sex as a purely physical act that anyone willing and able could potentially fulfill, without quite comprehending or understanding the emotional component that often goes along with it, and the lack of which may make sex feel like it lacks mutual desire and reciprocity (and can make sex with such people undesirable to the sexual partner, even if the ace partner is otherwise completely willing and able to engage with it).

 

Poly, ENM, etc. doesn't sound like that's something you actually want; it sounds more like you just going through the motions reluctantly for her sake.  She needs to learn that this isn't something she gets to dictate for someone else just so she gets to be more comfortable with herself.  Things don't work like that for "mono" people, assuming that's what you are.

[Vero Totem]

Going off of what @Philip027 and @Olallieberry said, it has to be your choice.  If you're open to a polyamorous relationship, then it needs to occur naturally.  Although, a swingers party of allo/ace couples where the ace people just eat cake in another room sounds like a blast and a half.  I have a demi friend who is currently in a polyamorous relationship with two men and the three of them couldn't be happier.  It's even gotten to the point where the two men have become friends and they all play games together, hang out together, and we even did a few rounds of D&D with just the four of us.  In order for a polyamorous relationship to be a successful one, all parties have to be consenting.  Whether or not your partner and this new person want to meet at all is up to them.  I've heard from other friends that it usually isn't a good idea for everyone to know each other since it can complicate things should one aspect of the relationship go south, but it works just fine for my friend and her boyfriends.  Whatever you decide, best of luck to you.

[Lino]

Hi, and welcome to AVEN! I also wanted to mention that I ran here immediately when I saw your pfp because Sleep Token is my favorite band, and TPWBYT is such an amazing album.

 

I agree with everyone else here. Polyamory has to be something that you're on board with, and forcing yourself to be intimate with other people when you don't want to doesn't sound like the grounds for a healthy relationship, either. It might be better to have a discussion with her about how you feel, see if there's a way you can find a compromise. You two sound like a very loving and happy couple, and it's wonderful that you're so respectful of her boundaries. Don't forget your happiness is just as important.

[Olallieberry]

I didn’t think of that, but I agree with other posters:

 

It is Ok if you do not want ENM or polyamory. Your spouse may feel like this is a solution, but if, to you, it is not a solution and you do not want her to repeatedly offer it anymore because you’re saying NO to it, then that is a boundary you should expect her to start respecting.

 

I don’t know whether that’s how you feel about it or not. It didn’t seem that way to me based on the original post, but if that is the case, then you do not owe it to your spouse to figure out how to go do something you don’t even want to do at all, just because she might keep saying it to try to make the friction go away.

[Frozen Planets]

8 minutes ago, Olallieberry said:

Your spouse may feel like this is a solution, but if, to you, it is not a solution and you do not want her to repeatedly offer it anymore because you’re saying NO to it, then that is a boundary you should expect her to start respecting.

I don't feel pressured into it by her, I know she's coming from a well meaning place and wants to support me. I expressed to her that it's something I'm not interested in right now and she hasn't brought it up since.

 

ENM isn't something I'd ever engage in if I felt uncomfortable with it, but like I said I'm just trying to keep an open mind to the idea to see if I come around to it after sitting with it for some time. One of the biggest mental hurdles for me is just that it sounds so messy/complicated/exhausting that when combined with the complicated emotions around it I have a hard time with the idea. If I had a better idea of what it could look like practically then I think I could focus on sorting out my feelings and emotions and decide from there.

[Windmills of My Mind]

In some places there are meetings  of poly people. Not to do any wild things mind you. Just to meet, chat, exchange views and experiences. Polyamory and ENM are a bit more visible these days yet far from widely accepted. It can be wholesome to freely chat with likeminded people.

 

If there is no such community near you, then there's always the internet. There are poly groups on a site called Fetlife, where you can read discussions and ask questions. Registration required, you can remain totally anonymous and learn about issues people run into and how they deal with practical aspects.

[Frozen Planets]

24 minutes ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

There are poly groups on a site called Fetlife, where you can read discussions and ask questions.

That's a good suggestion. Probably a good place to ask these sort of questions. Thank you!

[Midnight Marauder]

@Frozen Planets thank you for your post - it sounds uncannily similar to my situation.
 

My partner (whom I suspect is asexual or gray-ace) and I have been together for 23 years and we have never had any other sexual partners other than each other. What is otherwise an amazing, loving, and compatible relationship has been fraught with incompatible libidos ever since the birth of our first child 12 years ago. My partner almost never initiates sex, and has recently said that she could live the rest of her life without it. That was an alarming thought for me, a sexual with a high (or typical?) libido who did not sign up for a sexless life.

 

We have been doing marriage therapy and it has been helpful in navigating and strengthening our relationship. We are pretty good at talking about any topic openly and honestly. I’ve come to realize though that there is no quick fix or guarantee that my partner’s sexual desire will change. We have begun discussing the possibility of ethical non-monogamy, which she had brought up. I always tell her that my ideal is to have a long term monogamous relationship with her, but that I would be open to trying ENM, albeit very cautiously. The thought of having new and willing sexual partners is thrilling, but I fear it will not be fulfilling or live up to expectations. I also fear losing my partner or letting her go - she is the love of my life, after all.