does making amends after decades have passed ever work out?

[bare_trees]

I've been thinking about this off and on ever since my late 30s, I guess.  I had friendships in my twenties that ended badly, where we ceased all contact.  I can look back and see that I acted immaturely, and I also think, in most cases, the other person did as well.  When I think about contacting someone I last spoke to 20 years ago, I imagine myself apologizing for certain choices I made/things I said, but I also wish they would do the same.  That's the tricky part because of course no one has any control over anything like that.  Maybe they are sorry about how things ended, but they'd just rather not talk about it.  Or maybe they feel like I was the drama and that's the end of it.  I always come to the conclusion that if I expect anything from them in particular, and I would be disappointed if I didn't get it, then there's no sense in trying to contact them.

 

But does anyone have stories where that's worked out for them?  They contacted someone from 20+ years ago and it turned out you were both sorry your friendship ended badly, and appreciated the chance for some closure, if not becoming reaquainted?

[Olallieberry]

I have experience with making amends, to former friends and to others I had behaved badly toward, up to and including royally screwing them over.

 

What's your goal?

 

If the goal is to re-establish the friendship, making amends could be a part of that, but.

 

Making amends should be a goal for its own sake and with no stakes at all other than clearing one's own conscience and maybe repairing actual harm to the other person.

 

After 20 years, if any actual harm had been caused, it's probably unrepairable by now because they have already fixed it themselves - without you. 

 

But not every regrettable action does or did result in actual harm. Did it cost them money? A job? Reputation? Other relationships with other people? Hurt feelings come and go. If they're already over it, then one doesn't make amends because the other person needs it, one makes amends because one needs to for oneself.

 

So if the goal is to just clear your conscience because your conscience won't live easy with this, then that's achievable and it doesn't depend on how the other person reacts. Maybe they'll welcome the amends, maybe they'll reject it, maybe they'll welcome it but still not re-establish the friendship. None of it should matter to your feeling of having done the right thing to the best of your ability.

 

My experience comes from a well known program you may have heard of. Learning to understand why I'm making amends and to let go of any particular outcome was critical to my growth as a human being and, not to be dramatic, but, my survival, so, I got good practice.

[fizzbuzz]

1 hour ago, bare_trees said:

I've been thinking about this off and on ever since my late 30s, I guess.  I had friendships in my twenties that ended badly, where we ceased all contact.  I can look back and see that I acted immaturely, and I also think, in most cases, the other person did as well.  When I think about contacting someone I last spoke to 20 years ago, I imagine myself apologizing for certain choices I made/things I said, but I also wish they would do the same.  That's the tricky part because of course no one has any control over anything like that.  Maybe they are sorry about how things ended, but they'd just rather not talk about it.  Or maybe they feel like I was the drama and that's the end of it.  I always come to the conclusion that if I expect anything from them in particular, and I would be disappointed if I didn't get it, then there's no sense in trying to contact them.

 

But does anyone have stories where that's worked out for them?  They contacted someone from 20+ years ago and it turned out you were both sorry your friendship ended badly, and appreciated the chance for some closure, if not becoming reaquainted?

Sort of. I make amends for my own conscience and also because that's what I would want if I put myself in the other person's shoes. However, I've learned to not expect that kind of treatment back because I can neither force someone to reciprocate nor expect them to make an effort to understand my perspective.

 

Technically, I didn't reach out to the old friend: we kept meeting in different locations, even after I came to Canada surprisingly, so it was a cross-continental thing - pretty bizarre in retrospect at the number of coincidences of us meeting. After we got into the same university but different campuses in different cities, my best friend from high school at the time apparently struck up a friendship with her, and we met again. This time the old friend started inviting me to various events, some of which with people who attended the same middle school as we did in the previous country we lived in. Throughout each event, she would bring up the time I ended our months-long friendship in elementary school over a pen - which was valid because that's all I told her at the time. After a while, I noticed that it's the one story she came back to even when the people have already heard it so I figured it was bothering her. I apologized to her and explained why I really ended it at the next event she brought the story up. I explained to her verbally and in a letter that it had nothing to do with her, but how I was trying to adjust to bullying at the time. She stopped inviting me after that, and I figured she either needed time to process it or that the apology + explanation were enough. Either way, I haven't heard from her since that last event ~15 years ago.

 

So I guess it depends on what you want, what they want, and what the norms are. Different cultures do place different weights on platonic/social conflicts. For example, collectivist cultures seem to take friendship/social fallout very seriously. If neither you nor your former friends are part of said cultures, then there isn't an expectation per se (coerced or otherwise) for you to make amends, but the option is there if you wanted or you felt like it needed to be addressed for either your or their sake.

 

Edited May 7, 2025 by fizzbuzz
Fixed a typo + clarity

[bare_trees]

@Olallieberry, would you be ok with it if I DMed you a question on the subject?

[Olallieberry]

1 hour ago, bare_trees said:

@Olallieberry, would you be ok with it if I DMed you a question on the subject?

Sure, you're welcome to.

[1012345678]

Time tells…

I think the reminder of someone who treated them poorly can drive one to a bad place. Sometimes people, including the one who acted poorly, need time reconciling that trigger to find peace. If you think you can reach them & have a way to explain why it happened, perhaps you can accelerate that journey for someone you care for. There are always silver linings if you give them time.