Shame

[stalingrad]

My partner is asexual. It’s not nearly as bad as it could be—she’s relatively sex positive—but even communicating about anything sexual is still a struggle. Not even just because she doesn’t really get it or ever bring it up, but because it’s just so embarrassing. Like, sexuality is normally something so personal and private that sharing or expressing anything about it is vulnerable in any case, but when it’s not something your partner shares at all? Reciprocity is impossible. There’s little more jarring and humiliating than having your partner, in the middle of an encounter, go “I’m tired” or “I’m hot” and just roll over and instantly fall asleep like it’s nothing. And then you lie there for half the night hating yourself.

 

 

And that’s at the best of times—at worst you feel like you’re a horrible person using your partner for their body and you should never speak to them again.

 

I don’t know if other people feel this way. It’s like… even when everything is great, sometimes it’s just such a headfuck. I don’t know.

 

Vent over.

[ItsPaulo]

Hi stalingrad, and welcome!

 

28 minutes ago, stalingrad said:

My partner is asexual. It’s not nearly as bad as it could be—she’s relatively sex positive

This is a strange thing to say, that her asexuality 'is not nearly as bad as it could be', it frames asexuality in a negative light, especially since it seems that you're valuing sex positivity rather than repulsion. I can see how it might be a preference for you, but please refrain from associating terms like good/bad to people's sexuality.

33 minutes ago, stalingrad said:

but when it’s not something your partner shares at all? Reciprocity is impossible.

Have you been able to communicate with your partner on how you're feeling and what wants you have in the relationship? More often than not sex is an assumed expectation that people have which can damage our relationships with one another--and this is not just on you, but also your partner. For example, you might feel that sex is an integral part of a (perhaps romantic) relationship and this will no doubt translate to how you go about this relationship. On the other hand, your partner might also feel the pressure to have sex because they may have their own expectations or perhaps they're operating on societal expectations (or even yours!) 

 

41 minutes ago, stalingrad said:

There’s little more jarring and humiliating than having your partner, in the middle of an encounter, go “I’m tired” or “I’m hot” and just roll over and instantly fall asleep like it’s nothing. And then you lie there for half the night hating yourself.

Sorry to hear that this is an experience you and your partner have. Once again, I think communication here is key. Just because your partner is sex-positive doesn't necessarily mean that they have a high libido. They could enjoy the prospect of sex but not necessarily have the physical response needed to enjoy the sex. Regardless, exchanging ideas about what sex means to you and them and how you can both maybe compromise, explore alternatives, abstain from sex, have a schedule, etc. is ideal in this situation.

[Vero Totem]

 

46 minutes ago, stalingrad said:

My partner is asexual. It’s not nearly as bad as it could be—she’s relatively sex positive—but even communicating about anything sexual is still a struggle. Not even just because she doesn’t really get it or ever bring it up, but because it’s just so embarrassing. Like, sexuality is normally something so personal and private that sharing or expressing anything about it is vulnerable in any case, but when it’s not something your partner shares at all? Reciprocity is impossible. There’s little more jarring and humiliating than having your partner, in the middle of an encounter, go “I’m tired” or “I’m hot” and just roll over and instantly fall asleep like it’s nothing. And then you lie there for half the night hating yourself.

 

 

And that’s at the best of times—at worst you feel like you’re a horrible person using your partner for their body and you should never speak to them again.

 

I don’t know if other people feel this way. It’s like… even when everything is great, sometimes it’s just such a headfuck. I don’t know.

 

Vent over.

There are other spouses and partners that are in similar -- if not the same -- situations as yours.  I imagine it's quite unsatisfying from your perspective, but as @ItsPaulo said, communication can help a great deal in getting you and your partner on the path to a healthy relationship.  You need to be completely open and honest with your partner about what your expectations and needs are in the relationship and your partner needs to do the same.  Only then, can you work on a compromise or a schedule (as mentioned).  It may be a long and at some points, painful discussion, but it's a necessary one.  You've done the first step in finding AVEN and we're here for y'all.

[Vorps]

Welcome welcome.

 

You certainly arent alone with all the conflicting feelings that a mixed relationship brings. There are quite a few of us here in a sexual/asexual relationship.

 

If you look through other forum threads you'll probably see a lot of familiar experiences.

 

Hopefully with some time you'll be able to communicate with her about it. The only way talking about it becomes no longer awkward is by starting talking and getting used to it. Tbf, I struggle badly with this and am basically a hypocrit for saying this lol.

 

With a mixed relationship like this, the only way to understand how they feel about sex/sex with you is by talking. There arent really any assumptions either side can make because they dont share that experience.

 

As far as the 'not as bad as it could be' thing one of the previous users mentioned, I assumed it to be 'it (our mismatch/sex frequency) isnt as bad as it could be (for me).' Or something to that effect.

 

It's worth taking the time to be as clear as you can around here. Generous reads of posts and language are not the norm.

 

Which, silver-lining, can sometimes help you articulate some feelings you might not've really taken the time to work fully out otherwise.

[stalingrad]

33 minutes ago, ItsPaulo said:

This is a strange thing to say, that her asexuality 'is not nearly as bad as it could be', it frames asexuality in a negative light, especially since it seems that you're valuing sex positivity rather than repulsion.

 I’m just referring to it within the context of the relationship—obviously, it’s better for two people to be more compatible. I just mean that the situation would be objectively much worse if she felt differently (and our relationship would probably have ended by now).

31 minutes ago, ItsPaulo said:

Sorry to hear that this is an experience you and your partner have. Once again, I think communication here is key. Just because your partner is sex-positive doesn't necessarily mean that they have a high libido. They could enjoy the prospect of sex but not necessarily have the physical response needed to enjoy the sex.

It’s the other way around for her—she enjoys the physical sensation but has no strong feelings about it and can’t really comprehend it as something that matters, emotionally. It’s about as significant to her as hugging or holding hands. She knows I feel differently, but I don’t think it’s ever really clicked.

 

31 minutes ago, ItsPaulo said:

More often than not sex is an assumed expectation that people have which can damage our relationships with one another--and this is not just on you, but also your partner.

Honestly frequency/whether or not we have sex isn’t really the problem. I mean, it’s not ideal, but it happens oftenish, she feels comfortable stopping it whenever she likes, that, and that’s probably about as good as it can ever be. This is just me trying to grapple with the fact that something vulnerable and important for me will always be fundamentally unimportant to the person I love.

Like, sometimes I’d almost rather she went, “I’m sorry, this is just hard/unpleasant/complicated for me right now, let’s not,” because at least then the magnitude of our feelings would sort of match.

Instead it’s, “This trivial thing is currently outweighed by this other trivial thing.” 

 

I know it’s probably objectively the best the situation can be. There’s not really anything material I would realistically change. It’s just a difficult thing to come to terms with mentally.

[Qiri]

Welcome to AVEN! 🍰

 

6 minutes ago, stalingrad said:

This is just me trying to grapple with the fact that something vulnerable and important for me will always be fundamentally unimportant to the person I love.

Unfortunately, this can be difficult to come to terms with. My partner is sexual, and he struggles with the same feeling - so you are certainly not alone. 

[Vero Totem]

Your feelings are valid, but does your partner know them?  Does she know that it feels like she's treating something that is sacred to you as a trivial thing?  I know it's a bad comparison, but it's like certain sports with my parents.  Whenever my dad watches football or baseball, my mom couldn't care less, but when he watches basketball, it all depends on if the San Antonio Spurs are playing.  She'll not only watch the game with him, but she'll get excited with him, too.  When he starts to talk about a certain athlete or coach, she'll listen even though she couldn't care less.  It's still something that they'll share because it matters to one of them.

[stalingrad]

52 minutes ago, Vorps said:

Hopefully with some time you'll be able to communicate with her about it. The only way talking about it becomes no longer awkward is by starting talking and getting used to it. Tbf, I struggle badly with this and am basically a hypocrit for saying this lol.

 

With a mixed relationship like this, the only way to understand how they feel about sex/sex with you is by talking. There arent really any assumptions either side can make because they dont share that experience.

Yeah—I’m not great at expressing myself. I feel like I have a pretty good handle on how she feels—for whatever reason asking how she feels about things is less awkward, or maybe my constant paranoia about doing something she doesn’t want outweighs it.

 

But then maybe the fact that the way she feels is almost always in the range of “It’s fine” to “It’s good (shrug)” is what makes my own much stronger feelings far too embarrassing to ever bring up. It doesn’t help that she always treats me worrying about her feelings like it’s an endearing but sort of silly trait—like I’m checking how she feels about an ongoing checkers game or something. 

 

(And I would like to note this isn’t a global trait—she’s very sensitive and caring in general, and asks how I’m feeling in a lot of situations that I consider pretty trivial. Sex is the only outlier.)

 

31 minutes ago, Vero Totem said:

Your feelings are valid, but does your partner know them?  Does she know that it feels like she's treating something that is sacred to you as a trivial thing?

On the rare occasions we do manage to talk about it she seems to understand… for a bit. It doesn’t last much longer than the one conversation. I kind of think the fact that we have sex at all is her best attempt at feigning interest, and I do appreciate it. It seems sort of pointless to ask her to fake it any more, and I don’t know if it would actually make me feel any better.

 

36 minutes ago, Qiri said:

Unfortunately, this can be difficult to come to terms with. My partner is sexual, and he struggles with the same feeling - so you are certainly not alone. 

I’m sorry to hear that. I’d certainly be interested to hear what it’s like from the ace partner’s point of view, though.

[Vero Totem]

17 minutes ago, stalingrad said:

On the rare occasions we do manage to talk about it she seems to understand… for a bit. It doesn’t last much longer than the one conversation. I kind of think the fact that we have sex at all is her best attempt at feigning interest, and I do appreciate it. It seems sort of pointless to ask her to fake it any more, and I don’t know if it would actually make me feel any better.

The worst thing would be for either of you to "fake it" in order to spare the other's feelings.  That just makes things worse.  If an open conversation is a bit much or she seems to lose interest, then perhaps a couples therapist might be able to help.  I don't know if there is a therapist with experience in couples with mixed sexualities, but it's worth a try so that the both of you feel heard. 

[Birdieee]

2 hours ago, stalingrad said:

It’s the other way around for her—she enjoys the physical sensation but has no strong feelings about it and can’t really comprehend it as something that matters, emotionally. It’s about as significant to her as hugging or holding hands. She knows I feel differently, but I don’t think it’s ever really clicked.

well ... I'd say obviously, it hasn't "clicked", because since she is asexual. I'd say it is quite literally in the name / a given.
If she quite literally DISMISSES your feelings about it though, if you've communicated this with her and she just "doesnt care", then it's a whole other thing ...

Sorry in case this sounds harsh - I didnt mean it like that, but I also didnt know how to phrase it differently ...

Wish u luck

[Philip027]

It seems like you're already coming to this conclusion, but if she's mentioned being ace you should stop expecting total reciprocity.  Consent to sex, an asexual can potentially do, but they're simply never going to view sex the same way you do.  You sound like you probably already know this though, so this is probably just preaching to the choir.

 

Speaking as someone in a mixed relationship but on the asexual side, assuming consent is given, there's no need for you to feel like you're "using" your partner.  People sometimes do things for each other that they personally may not be interested in, because the other person is.  That's just part of how relationships work.  As long as they aren't violating their own boundaries/standards by doing so, it's not necessarily something to be discouraged.  (Now, if that isn't sufficient for you from a sexual perspective and you need that mutual reciprocity that you mention in order for sex to feel satisfying, that's another matter -- but you can at least start by reassuring yourself that, at least from the sounds of it, you're not taking advantage of your partner.)

 

5 hours ago, ItsPaulo said:

This is a strange thing to say, that her asexuality 'is not nearly as bad as it could be', it frames asexuality in a negative light, especially since it seems that you're valuing sex positivity rather than repulsion. I can see how it might be a preference for you, but please refrain from associating terms like good/bad to people's sexuality.

Pretty sure that OP was referring to it as "not as bad" in terms of relationship compatibility, not to asexuality itself.

[Olallieberry]

8 hours ago, ItsPaulo said:

This is a strange thing to say, that her asexuality 'is not nearly as bad as it could be', it frames asexuality in a negative light

I don't read it that way. I read it as the situation isn't as bad as it could be, assuming that in this situation the alternative to a relatively sex-positive asexual partner - the "what it could be" part - would be a not-sex-positive asexual partner and presumably celibacy for the OP.

 

This doesn't frame asexuality in a negative light, it frames celibacy for this person, or otherwise having less options than presently, in a negative light. 

 

It doesn't even frame "celibacy" in general in a negative light. It doesn't talk about anyone else at all, it talks about this particular person's needs and difficulties. It doesn't blame the partner, it appreciates the partner.

 

There's probably an argument along the lines of "who cares if sexual people's needs get erased" but such an argument is an ugly one. I'm not saying you (or OP's partner) are making that argument. I'm just saying that erasure of a partner's needs, desires and difficulties is probably a bigger problem than the sexual incompatibility.

 

9 hours ago, stalingrad said:

communicating about anything sexual is still a struggle. Not even just because she doesn’t really get it or ever bring it up, but because it’s just so embarrassing. Like, sexuality is normally something so personal and private that sharing or expressing anything about it is vulnerable in any case, but when it’s not something your partner shares at all?

Like I said above and like I've said elsewhere on AVEN a number of times: Communication problems are, to me personally in a relationship, a much bigger deal than the sexuality mis-match. I have quit relationships and have come very close to quitting my marriage over communication problems. Luckily, in my marriage it didn't come to that - and I don't expect it to in the future - because communication, respect, witnessing, unselfconsciousness, and trust have all improved astronomically.

 

Yes, it can be embarrassing. But if we can't talk to our most intimate loved one about our most vulnerable stuff... What's more important? Avoiding embarrassment or being taken seriously? If I can't trust my partner to just hear what I have to talk about, that's very very bad. I'm not saying I go out of my way to embarrass anyone for the lolz, but life is messy. And, to not be able to talk about real shit and handle the embarrassment like a grown-up, means we can't trust each other to be honest or to be there for each other.

 

I mean, that's me, that's just how I see it.

 

But I'm blessed with a partner who has shown me that I can trust her, I can be taken seriously, I can be vulnerable with her. And she knows she can do the same with me. If that were not true on either side, that would be a very very major problem. One which this relationship couldn't survive.

 

[Olallieberry]

9 hours ago, stalingrad said:

There’s little more jarring and humiliating than having your partner, in the middle of an encounter, go “I’m tired” or “I’m hot” and just roll over and instantly fall asleep like it’s nothing. And then you lie there for half the night hating yourself.

 

 

And that’s at the best of times—at worst you feel like you’re a horrible person using your partner for their body and you should never speak to them again.

 

I don’t know if other people feel this way

That's pretty blunt of her. Like... it sounds insensitive the way you describe it. I don't expect an asexual person to "get it" and to personally understand how frustrating it would be to have the sex be interrupted so abruptly, but they should be capable of at least understanding that the other person's feelings and needs are not well served by such bluntness. Like... a little more delicacy and gentleness could really go a long way. A little reassurance that "it's OK, you aren't abusing me, I was perfectly willing - right up until I wasn't." A little after-care before just turning her back.

 

I don't quite feel the same way as you do. I believe my partner when she says she's willing to do something sexual with me. I trust her to tell me where her boundaries are and what she's OK with and what she isn't. So to me, the self-hating isn't a factor.

 

But it's still so awful of an experience for me that we don't do it at all anymore. I just can't abide subjecting myself to un-thrilling, barely-pleasurable, contrived "duty sex." It is actually not better than "no sex," so, I have told my wife we're just not doing it anymore.

 

That's how I experience it. I definitely have had those moments of questioning whether I have crossed her boundaries in the past, wondering what the fuck was going on when she was inwardly having a very unpleasant sexual experience and I didn't even know. Like how the fuck does that even happen? But it takes two people. I didn't have all the information. Her decisions to put on that act and only tell me later how much it sucked for her were her decisions.

 

I don't hate myself for it, I just can't enjoy sex with her anymore. It isn't entirely because she has boundaries. A little bit, yeah, her boundaries are such that what she is willing to do is pretty narrow and brief and infrequent, and, that's pretty frustrating. But no - far more than that is the fact that the sex is not mutual. No matter how much willingness there is to "do something for me," she has no interest in sex for its own sake, for her own pleasure, for the mutual intimacy.

 

And that is not something I can get excited for. It's not better than just skipping it entirely (with her).

 

8 hours ago, stalingrad said:

This is just me trying to grapple with the fact that something vulnerable and important for me will always be fundamentally unimportant to the person I love.

Yeah, I can understand that. When you get past that, there will be more things to grapple with.

 

8 hours ago, stalingrad said:

Like, sometimes I’d almost rather she went, “I’m sorry, this is just hard/unpleasant/complicated for me right now, let’s not,” because at least then the magnitude of our feelings would sort of match.

Instead it’s, “This trivial thing is currently outweighed by this other trivial thing.” 

Totally understandable - this is kind of what I was saying at the beginning. It's indelicate, it's excessively blunt, it's not empathetic.

 

But maybe you could have this conversation with her and say that?

 

I don't know how that conversation would go. To me, it's critically important to the relationship that we can have conversations like that and take each other seriously. Is she capable of not getting defensive about you expressing something like this? Is she capable of considering it if you were to maybe even ask for more delicacy and empathy? Is she capable of respecting your vulnerability and participating in discovering a positive change?

[blaigorn]

On 5/3/2025 at 2:57 AM, Olallieberry said:

don't hate myself for it, I just can't enjoy sex with her anymore. It isn't entirely because she has boundaries. A little bit, yeah, her boundaries are such that what she is willing to do is pretty narrow and brief and infrequent, and, that's pretty frustrating. But no - far more than that is the fact that the sex is not mutual. No matter how much willingness there is to "do something for me," she has no interest in sex for its own sake, for her own pleasure, for the mutual intimacy.

 

And that is not something I can get excited for. It's not better than just skipping it entirely (with her).

So much this for me, so eerily similar. Coming to this realization at least made me to fully accept and stop resenting the lack of sex in our relationship. I don’t want it anymore, at least not in the limited, clearly not enjoyable and requiring a mental effort of her, way. I was surprised when my wife said she wanted to try a compromise. I really want to be open to that and I think our relationship deserves a good try at it if she thinks it’s the direction she wants to try at a solution. But I don’t really know if there’s any compromise that I’ll genuinely enjoy. It doesn’t help that there hasn’t been any move towards a compromise, or any suggestion from her as to what that looks like. But to be fair there hasn’t been any alone time for us, and it has been a bit chaotic, so I want to give her the benefit of doubt.

 

 

[Qiri]

On 5/2/2025 at 8:13 PM, stalingrad said:

I’d certainly be interested to hear what it’s like from the ace partner’s point of view, though.

One thing that we talked about (that was a bit of a surprise to me) was just how deeply intimate and meaningful sex is to him. I knew that he liked having sex and that it is something that people in a relationship do to express love to each other - but I vastly underestimated just how much it truly meant to him. I thought that I had been adequately demonstrating that I loved him in non-sexual ways - cuddling and snuggling on the couch and in bed, getting him a little gift when he had a bad day to cheer him up, taking on some extra house chores when he was tired, telling him I loved him very often (probably every day), and so on. And I thought that was sufficient; sex was a fun activity and felt good, but it wasn't overly important. If love and intimacy was shown in other ways, sex wasn't necessary.

 

He explained that sex, to him, was so much more than just an enjoyable activity. It was, in his eyes, a very important way of expressing his love to me and viewed it the same from my end (I would show him I loved him by wanting to have sex with him). When the frequency of having sex started decreasing, he started to fear it was a signal that I didn't love him anymore. It led to a vicious cycle of him wanting to have sex with me more often. That led to me becoming more reluctant to have sex as he was requesting it more often. Which led him to wanting it even more. And the cycle went on and on, and we were both getting more and more frustrated.

 

When I discovered that I'm ace and we got talking about that, I was so glad that he was able to explain his side - especially his fears about the relationship. I was able to clarify that I still wanted a relationship and still loved him - but I didn't see sex as anything overly special and never felt any particular need or desire to have it with him (or anyone). Nothing to do with him, or anyone else. I just... don't feel it. He was then able to understand where I was coming from - that I was under the impression I was showing him I loved him; just in non-sexual ways, and I had thought that was fine. I am very glad he was able to clarify and articulate to me what sex meant to him and how he was feeling due to not having it - he was feeling unloved and rejected. He needs the love language of physical touch, and sex is at the top of the physical touch hierarchy - the ultimate expression of intimacy, vulnerability, and love to him. Him wanting sex often wasn't just about feeling good or getting his rocks off, it was about wanting to show his love for me in the most intimate way he could. And it was hurting him that he couldn't do that. It opened my eyes, and I'm glad. 

 

It is difficult for him to know I won't ever desire him in a sexual way (the same way he desires me), but he is reassured about my love for him and our relationship. I am sex favorable (or indifferent), so I am absolutely open to having sex with him. He does struggle a bit at times - fearing that I'm obliging him out of guilt (which he doesn't want to happen), but I try to reassure him that I'm not. I am an adult who can make my own decisions and establish my own boundaries, and I am happy and able to do so. If I say I am fine having sex with him and am doing it from a place of true enthusiastic consent, then that's the truth. I appreciate his care and worry, but he needs to trust me as his partner. I admit to him that while I am fine to have sex with him and I do enjoy the physical sensations, it is a performative act on my part as I don't feel the same drive/desire as he does for it. He is very passionate about sex, and I am not. And if I try to be, he knows it's me going through the motions; it's not genuine sexual passion (and he'll never get that from me). It's hard for him to know that, but he also accepts it's just part of who I am and I have no control over it.

 

We've talked about various love languages and the ways we best express our love and wish to receive affirmations of love. I try to be more conscientious about the non-sexual ways he wants to be shown that he's loved (since I can't do it through sex, which is his most important method of showing/sharing/receiving love). He tries to be more conscientious about how often he initiates sex and also tries to express his love for me in more non-sexual methods. There are still challenging moments occasionally for both of us; it's not smooth sailing all the time - but we always working on it. Communication is so important. Overall, I think we've found a decent middle ground for both of us (for sex) and we're both very glad we could clarify our feelings to clear up any misunderstandings.