hi im lost and scared

[prismo]

so... an introduction to myself and why i'm here. strap in, cause i like to talk a lot!

 

content warning: i mention sex as well as childhood trauma, but not in any graphic detail

 

i'm in my 20s. i have known my current partner for 10 years now. due to a laundry list of random circumstances, we had been "on and off." right now, though, we have been "officially" dating for about 5 years straight. we don't really argue or have any relationship issues. i am autistic, and they are one of the only people i can stand being around in close quarters for more than a few hours. i believe that i love them, and recently i decided that i would like to marry them.

 

i typically talk using words like i, me, myself, but you may sometimes hear us talk in terms such as we, us, and ourselves. this is because we were diagnosed with a dissociative disorder about a year ago. we call ourselves the prismatic system - prismo for short!

 

if you don't know, a system is when someone has alters or headmates that function together in one body/brain. alters are like different beings that may have different identities, ages, preferences, gender identities, etc. it's typically associated with dissociative identity disorder (DID). we don't really like to give out our real names online, for privacy reasons, so we sign off using emojis. i'm our current host, and i typically sign off using the black heart emoji (🖤). hi!

 

all of that is pretty relevant to my journey with my sexuality. one of my newest alters (he signs off using the lightning emoji - ⚡) has been practically begging me to stop having sex at all. he claims that i'm clearly hurting myself. typically, with alters, it's best to listen to them and what they have to say. my alters are essentially parts of me that i had to hide in order to survive childhood trauma, and i understand them as parts of myself. if a repressed part of me is telling me that he thinks that i'm asexual and that sex is harming me physically and mentally, then i want to listen...

 

the problem is that i cannot imagine my life without sex and sexuality. i think about sex a lot and have always had lots of fantasies all the time. growing up, i read a lot of fanfiction and smut in order to cope with the abuse and neglect i was experiencing. i think it was a way for me to imagine a scenario in which i could be loved unconditionally. after i grew up, i found out that i don't particularly enjoy actually having sex. this has made me feel frustrated and miserable. sex can be gross and often painful. i can't really imagine myself in a sexual way, it grosses me out. i wish that i could enjoy it because everyone talks about it constantly. they act like it's the best thing in the whole world. (it's not the best thing in the world. steak fat is the best thing in the world, right next to sushi with cream cheese in it, as long as the fish in it isn't too gritty! ...i'm getting sidetracked.)

 

my alter argues with me constantly now. he says i clearly don't like having sex, that i'm hurting myself by continuing to force myself to have sex, and that i'm ace. he says that he is ace, too. he tries to get me to do different things instead, like cuddle and watch TV. he encourages me to set boundaries with my partner. for example, today i admitted to my partner that i don't really like kissing. after my partner left for work, i cried because i felt like i was being a bad partner for telling him that i didn't want to kiss. that was the first time i felt like that before. i felt that way even though i asked him a few days ago if he would still love me if we never had sex again, and he said yes. i then asked if he would love me if we didn't even kiss, and he still said yes. i asked him if he would still love me even if i was aromantic and couldn't love him back, and he STILL said yes. i just can't comprehend why he likes me. who wants a sad, traumatized asexual living in their house and eating all their food? lol

 

sometimes i wonder if i would be happier and better off living alone, and it scares me. i'm worried that i've put myself into a relationship that i subconsciously don't actually want nor need because i felt like i was "supposed" to, and now getting out of it would be an entire ordeal in and of itself. one of the reasons me and my partner were "on and off" at the beginning of our relationship (we are highschool sweethearts! ) is because i would change my mind constantly about whether or not i actually wanted to date him. i knew that i felt some kind of attraction to him, but i would get really anxious about it in a way i still don't understand. it was a very confusing time for my teenage self because i was also questioning my gender identity, too. eventually, when we reconnected as adults, we first agreed to be "QPPs" which then developed into just calling one another just partner or boyfriend. we've spent a very long time building our relationship, communicating our needs to one another, and building trust with one another. i'm very proud of our relationship and our growth as people.

 

maybe my alter has a good point... in the past, i can see how different things that i did could be seen as the actions of a deeply closeted asexual person. for example, in grade school my peers would constantly pester me about who i had a crush on. eventually, i picked one person at random to say i had a crush on, even though i didn't care. my family would tease me about being in love with my best friend (at the time i was a "girl," and he was a guy), and it would make me so angry. i never had any celebrity crushes nor did i fawn over boy bands, but my family teased and encouraged me to. i have only ever dated two people in my entire life, one of them being my current partner, ...and the other being a week-long fling from middle school, if you even want to count that. (i don't count it, but she did even when we got older. lol?) as i got older, i liked fictional characters, but i never really did like any real people until i met my current partner... LMAO.

 

i'm just really scared about the prospect of being ace and what that means for my life, my relationship, and... pretty much everything. it does feel like a veil has been lifted for me, though, to be told directly that sex is not a requirement to be happy and healthy. i think for a long time i was just doing it to appear normal and mask, or because i was "supposed" to. my mom constantly encourages me to have a baby with my partner (EEEUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and she expects me to be a woman, still. she would tell me that "sex is natural" anytime it got brought up. as you can imagine, i am struggling. i have a lot of habits that felt like performances related to sex or sexual attraction that are difficult to shake, even though i didn't want to do them in the first place. i've been questioning so much.

 

so... yeah. that's the introduction to me. thanks to anyone who read all of that... i feel super scared and anxious and... blegh......,,.,.,.,

 

oh my god im an anxious wreck,, if anything in this post is too much just let me know and i can take it out!!!

 

-🖤

 

---

 

i'm asexual! i know this because the thought of sex makes me want to hurl. deep inside the back of my brain, i can hear "nonononononononononononono!" it's very obvious.

 

we're not "broken" because there's nothing here to fix. i like being asexual. it means i have more time to focus on computers.

 

-⚡

[fizzbuzz]

First, hello and welcome I'm not too familiar with DID but will make an effort to learn about it. As far as reassurance goes, I want to say that there are people on the ace-spec or even completely asexual who have found fulfilling long-term relationships, so I hope things work out for you.

[prismo]

hi! i don't mind answering any questions people may have about plurality and systems. for those interested in their own personal research-- we don't have DID, but a similar thing called other specified dissociative disorder (OSDD).

 

i don't know. it's been working out for me so far, but i wonder if this is truly what i need to be happy. i think back to when we first started dating, and i wonder did i even want to enter a relationship in the first place? did i just do it cause i thought i was supposed to? what does that mean for me? i hope things work out for me, too, but i am just so scared.

 

my head is just swimming in endless thoughts, and worries. too many to list. even though i already said so much.

 

-🖤

[Inferno_555]

Hi there!

 

A dissociative disorder and autism? Wow, you really have it rough.

 

I can only speak for the autistic side of things (don't know anyone that dissociates and I've only ever masked).

 

I've always found DID and similar conditions to be quite interesting, from what I know, it mostly arises from a traumatic event. When the brain is unable to cope, it can sort of « shatter ». It must be difficult to live this way, but from what I can see you seem to be coping well.

 

I've only ever had experience with disassociation in regards to masking (masked self - unmasked self). I've had issues in the past telling the difference, I am aware now. Through shadow work I was able to rediscover the unmasked self and integrate it into the masked self.

 

I am curious, what is your experience with masking relating to your condition? (If you have any, if you don't, that's really fine.)

 

Now, as for asexuality, the only real confusion I ever had was differentiating between libido and sexual attraction. Relationships have never been too much of an interest to me (for many reasons I have explained in other posts, for the sake of time, I won't type them out again).

 

I remember back when I was younger how I would literally choose who to crush on, I literally did not realize crushes were supposed to be involuntary. Quite funny, if I do say so myself.

 

To conclude this absolute mess of a post, I'll repeat what I've saiid to many, as I think it's good advice. Time can be your most powerful ally, or your worst enemy. Use time as a tool for self-reflection, stare into the abyss of your mind, just make sure not to blink. And soon enough, things tend to fall into place. Shadow work!

[Frameshift07]

Welcome

 

On 4/27/2025 at 5:51 AM, prismo said:

hi! i don't mind answering any questions people may have about plurality and systems. for those interested in their own personal research-- we don't have DID, but a similar thing called other specified dissociative disorder (OSDD).

What is it like to not be hosting at a given moment? I'm curious to see 🖤 and ⚡ answer.