Fighting Back - Experiences for my Essay

[randomacestudent]

Hello!

I'm ace and currently in a class where I'm set to write a 10-page essay about sexual abnormality, so naturally, I'm writing about being ace! My subject is about fighting back against oppressive power through a Foucauldian lens (since the class is about Foucault's philosophies.) The thing is, it seems much easier for allosexuals to thrive in social circles than asexuals, since sex has become a more frequent, casual topic in society. How can we as aces fight back against oppressive power in a much more sex-positive world? I'd love to hear your perspectives! I've seen little-to-no ways to fight firsthand, though I've seen many posts for allies on how to support ace people, which is great, but... not entirely the best firsthand.

 

Thanks!

[kelico]

This study was approved by the Project Team.

On behalf of PT,

kelico

[mja71130]

How interesting! Are you focusing more on interpersonal relationships (how we function within a group) or societal structures (how we function in a community)? 
 

In one-on-one or small group settings, I make clear my boundaries of what I am comfortable discussing. If the conversation touches upon sex, I’ll let it go for a bit but try to divert the conversation to another topic. I am sex-averse, so this is a frequent challenge. If a person were honestly seeking advice, then I would attempt to continue their conversation to the best of my abilities. But if it’s just sex-related joking (far more frequent than the previous example), I’ll only stomach that for a couple witticisms before I attempt to steer the conversation away, or outright say that they’re making me uncomfortable. I recognize that some people merely continue these conversations BECAUSE they make me uncomfortable, and that provides them gross entertainment. I try not to associate with such people when I recognize that behavior. More than anything, I need to build and maintain tolerance when speaking with allosexuals. (I do not need to maintain barriers when speaking with other asexuals.) So it’s less fighting, more battle of attrition. 

In regards to opposing societal constructs, that requires activism and a far greater level of effort and intent. There are activists who push their local governors to acknowledge Ace Week or other a-spec holidays to bring about greater awareness. It’s support groups and individuals who reach out to one another to strengthen each other against the endless pressures of cisheteropatriarchy. It’s pushing legislation to overturn archaic Consummation Laws. In the U.S., society is structured to support the nuclear (White) family, but not individuals. I am a woman who likes to live solo. Every door-to-door salesperson will ask if I’m the head of my household, as if they don’t expect me to fill such a role. If I was a mother struggling financially, I could find government support to some degree (if those programs haven’t yet been cut 😩), but you only need to look toward the homeless population to see that individual support is lacking. These examples don’t target a-spec people, but we are collateral damage of the system. 
 

Your question is how do I fight. I fight by increasing my awareness of societal issues affecting asexuals and others in the LGBTQIAP+ community. I fight by seeking support from and attempting to provide support to other a-spec individuals through Aven and in-person meet-ups. I fight by creating social posts about asexuality and aromanticism to increase the awareness in my friends and family. I listen to activists. I broadcast my sexuality to anyone who asks or knows what my black ring stands for. I fight by being present, by being a voice, and by educating myself on our history. I make it clear to those around me that I’m not sorry to be asexual, I’m sorry that our society doesn’t support asexuals better. And I try to stay strong so I can withstand the societal tide that seeks to sweep aside my identity like so much junk. 
 

I don’t know how any of that particularly relates to Foucault. Perhaps in relation to labeling? I existed as an aromantic asexual before I knew the terms. But it is as an “aroace” that I can finally find and foster a community. Prior to that, I felt as many a-specs do before we learn the terms: broken and alone. In an ideal utopia, we could love who we love how we love without criticism or labeling. But until we break down millennia of cisheteropatriarchal “standards,” we need our labels to communicate to one another that we exist and are not alone. 

[JordanIsMyPenName]

I have never studied Foucault, but I am a big fan of joy as resistance. I fight back by being in public alone and happy, neither seeking to meet others nor sitting bored on my phone, but genuinely enjoying what I'm doing. I fight back by living well on my own terms, partnerless and OK. I fight back by pursuing relationships characterized by not being destined to end in romantic monogamy. 

 

In social groups, I would still consider it uncouth for sex to come up, unless it were an earnest discussion on some sex-adjacent topic in a group of intimate friends. I state my orientation matter-of-factly and briefly explain my relationship to sex and romance just as if it is exactly as "normal" as I believe it to be, and just as if I deserve to take up space in that conversation. More broadly, if romance comes up in conversation, I do the same, omitting the sex part.

 

I also advocate for what I consider genuine sex-positivity, which is not the oppressively sexual culture of my coming-of-age, but rather one that accepts all orientations, including asexuality, as valid, and that emphasizes that true consent includes the right to say no without question, no matter what - monogamous partners can say no, hookups can say no, literally anyone can say no for any reason, and they don't owe the other person an explanation. If I have read a good study or book on this topic, I let people know about it, and why I think it matters.

 

I guess, in a word, I have two forms of resistance: Joy, and dispassion (i.e. being matter-of-fact) - which seem like opposites, but the theme is that fighting back for me means emphasizing that I am "normal." Even though we could have a whole other post deconstructing the whole idea of "normal."

 

-Jordan

[funnienut]

I'm a bit older. Ace wasn't a term widely known growing up. The fact that I wasn't interested in anyone or in sex, I later found out, people assumed I was homosexual. They thought I had a hard time coming out of the closet. At 15 yo, I told my family that I would never marry or have kids, and I haven't. I still don't, though I love my brother's kids to death. I just have no interest in being with anyone. Never have.

 

When I was made aware of everyone's assumptions I didn't get mad, nor was I insulted. At the time,  I had just found out who I was, and after discussing it with my mother and receiving acceptance, I didn't really care what anyone thought. Even now, I don't tell everyone, but I've had people question me about it when they find out because they've never met an Ace. It unreal to them and they ask uncomfortable questions, which I answer and they ask questions of my own. Seems only fair. 

 

Frankly, I'm comfortable with myself, and admittedly it took decades to get here.  I didn't argue with people when they assumed incorrectly, nor do I shy away from talk about sex. I think dispelling the mystery is one way to fight it. Also, investing in books, programs and products geared or about Asexuals. Speaking about it openly. It's about empowering each other, and letting others know it's not weird for me. This is my normal, just like your normal is yours.

 

Don't know if that helps.

[mori child]

Am I too late in replying? I only saw your post now. I'm replying without reading the other comments so that I'll be giving you my un-influenced response:

 

I think that the issue lies not with sex-positivity, but rather with shame around sex and pressure to conform. I personally feel most uncomfortable in group settings when I sense pressure to conform to gender stereotypes, heterosexuality, and yes, allosexuality. I pick up on subtle cues such as the way people dress or the language people use to talk about human behavior, and I interpret these cues (sometimes correctly and sometimes incorrectly) to determine whether it is safe for me to be authentic around the others in the group.

 

I think the best way to fight against oppressive power is to know ourselves, be curious about others, be courageous in expressing our authentic experiences, and lead by example in building a community that values all types of sexualities and diverse human experiences.

 

By the way, there's an article I read recently about asexuality and Foucault's writings on sex. Have you read it?:

 

https://open.substack.com/pub/cantonwiner/p/the-freedom-not-to-be-sexual?r=3kv6k&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email