Real life social life

[Boophone]

I'm interested to hear about how people have/build/make (or don't) a social life for themselves in real life. For myself I've learnt that feeling socially connected is vital. I live by myself, and I like that. But if I spend too much time alone I start to feel low. So having a social life is v important. 

I'll start- one thing that is working for me socially, and one place where I am a bit dissatisfied. 

Something that's working is I play in a community orchestra in my town. This puts me in touch with a bunch of people every Wednesday evening. We have some laughs and some disagreements. 

 

Where I am a bit dissatisfied is that I've realised the work and hobbies I do hardly put me in touch with the gender and orientation of people I am potentially interested in romantically! Lol. As a probable new demisexual/demiromantic, I'm realising how important it is to be able to make those connections with people.

 

Any other takers?! Just interested in starting a conversation about how people do their social life! 

[MinnieMouse]

I am lucky enough to have quite many IRL friends. Most of them are people I met online years ago. I’m also active in a local meetup group for asexuals and aromantics and sometimes hang out with a few other members outside the group. I have a very social job (teacher) so I meet lots of people every day, although I haven’t come to the point where I hang out with colleagues outside work. I’d really like to get to know some of them better though. 

[Slothed]

Everyone has different social needs, but for me 2 or 3 good friends is enough. Right now that’s my best friend from college, who I text occasionally and see once a year or so, and a friend I met here on AVEN about a year and a half ago for more regular chats. Irl it’s just my family and coworkers at the office. As for adding more, once or twice a year someone who seems potentially compatible as a friend shows up on one of the PM threads here and I’ll reach out to say hi and see what happens. Sounds like you’re looking to make more irl connections, but that’s always an option.

 

Admittedly, I do miss more direct interaction like hanging out with friends in person or playing a game together. And the emotional intimacy of a romantic partner to talk to and share the little moments together would be nice. But if it happens, it happens and if not life is still good.

[daveb]

What's a social life?

 

Honestly, I never had much of one even as a kid, but since I retired, moved, and then covid, it's become almost non-existent. I go days without any human contact, and weeks, even months, without any meaningful contact. I don't know how to have a social life, and never really did. I'm not even good at making friends. In part, because I am very introverted and not only enjoy lots of time to myself, but really need it. And I don't tend to initiate anything for fear of bothering people.

[MinnieMouse]

6 hours ago, daveb said:

And I don't tend to initiate anything for fear of bothering people.

I relate a lot to this. I have quite many friends, but most of them are people who have chosen ME, and then I’ve chosen them too because I only feel safe in a social relationship when I already know that the other person wants to be my friend. It’s not that I don’t like my friends, but I think I would have had even more people in my life if I wasn’t so afraid to take initiatives. 

[Boophone]

On 4/16/2025 at 3:53 AM, daveb said:

What's a social life?

 

Honestly, I never had much of one even as a kid, but since I retired, moved, and then covid, it's become almost non-existent. I go days without any human contact, and weeks, even months, without any meaningful contact. I don't know how to have a social life, and never really did. I'm not even good at making friends. In part, because I am very introverted and not only enjoy lots of time to myself, but really need it. And I don't tend to initiate anything for fear of bothering people.

I see and is that satisfactory (or more than satisfactory!)?

[daveb]

13 hours ago, Boophone said:

I see and is that satisfactory (or more than satisfactory!)?

No, not really.

[Xaver]

Right now it's good for me. I have a fun workplace and sometimes we play games after work, and I currently engage in a hobby course so I meet the same people once a week - people who are outside my work sphere. It's enough for me at the moment.

 

It's a struggle for me. I'm an introvert, but I also need connections - real life connections - for my mental well being. I desire friends and touch, I wish I had close friends like some people, but I don't have the mental energy or actual interest to foster that kind of relationship. I like having this bubble I can retreat to where nobody else is. People reaching out stresses me. But I can also get so lonely and isolated it's like a sickness.

 

One thing that's done a lot for me was that I've put in effort this year to actually be social. Go to that coffee break. Join that game night. Engage in a hobby course. It's gotten easier and I'm surprised how much I can do now, and that the days afterwards where I'm tired are getting more normalized and not scary. But I still feel a mental wall before attending anything. I love my hobby course for example, but the stress the day before keeps me up at night. I view it like bitter medicine - initial taste is bad and I hate the idea of eating it, but I need it.

 

But it's a struggle. I had friends as a kid, but at one point I took a nosedive and turned everyone away. Did some soul searching. I needed it. But lost all my social skills in the process. Kinda like resetting my brain and building new skills from scratch. And I've spent the last 15 years building them back up. It's slow. Sometimes painful. Discovering a whole bunch of mental issues in the process. But I'm proud of how far I've gotten.

 

One thing I really want is to meet other aces IRL. There's no events here, none I could find. I've always wanted to hear about others experiences and just talk. Hence why I'm here, it's digital but it's better than nothing.

 

A semi-fun fact is that I've discovered I do best in groups of 3 or more. When it's just me and 1 other person, all the anxiety and stress starts because then the social burden is 100% on me. I still dunno how to deal with this one, it's kind of a killer when it comes to developing closer friendships. But I've also learned to accept it. The other day on the way home from a social event I outright said I needed a walk to decompress (so I didn't have to sit on the train home with 1 other dude, and frankly I think he wanted solo time too). Setting boundaries is good too.

[Slothed]

5 hours ago, Xaver said:

But it's a struggle. I had friends as a kid, but at one point I took a nosedive and turned everyone away. Did some soul searching. I needed it. But lost all my social skills in the process. Kinda like resetting my brain and building new skills from scratch. And I've spent the last 15 years building them back up. It's slow. Sometimes painful. Discovering a whole bunch of mental issues in the process. But I'm proud of how far I've gotten.

Started a similar journey shortly after joining AVEN. It’s simultaneously been one of the most difficult and rewarding things I’ve ever done. Being social in group settings irl is still quite daunting, though. Happy to see you’re doing well and have made so much progress! Good luck with continuing to work on your self-improvement!

[Autumn ace]

For me, one of the most satisfying things I can do for my social health is interact with people. They don’t have to be friends, but maybe classmates who I have something in common with. 
 

I have a few friends I don’t talk to very often, and a couple close friends. Hanging out with them is enough for me, and it can even be overwhelming to interact with them after a long day of school or when I’m just tired. 

[uhtred]

I haven a reasonably active social life.  Started with friends from school, then work.  Stay in touch, meet their friends.  Sometimes the original friends drop away but the friends of friends become my friends.

 

I find various excuses to hang out with people, get lunch, go for a walk in a nearby park whatever. 

[Lilihierax]

On 4/16/2025 at 11:53 AM, daveb said:

What's a social life?

 

Honestly, I never had much of one even as a kid, but since I retired, moved, and then covid, it's become almost non-existent. I go days without any human contact, and weeks, even months, without any meaningful contact. I don't know how to have a social life, and never really did. I'm not even good at making friends. In part, because I am very introverted and not only enjoy lots of time to myself, but really need it. And I don't tend to initiate anything for fear of bothering people.

Real. 🫂

[Lilihierax]

Live alone, barely go outside, no job, no outside hobbies, have maybe 3 friends and barely to talk to or see any of them*, even my small family I don't see a lot. That's me. It kinda sucks but at the same time I highly value my privacy and alone-time and I like living in my fantasy internet world and ignoring reality. Super unhealthy coping mechanism but that's how it is for me at the moment.

 

*oh and soon only one of them will be in the same country as me.👍

[Frameshift07]

13 minutes ago, Lilihierax said:

On 4/16/2025 at 2:53 AM, daveb said:

What's a social life?

 

Honestly, I never had much of one even as a kid, but since I retired, moved, and then covid, it's become almost non-existent. I go days without any human contact, and weeks, even months, without any meaningful contact. I don't know how to have a social life, and never really did. I'm not even good at making friends. In part, because I am very introverted and not only enjoy lots of time to myself, but really need it. And I don't tend to initiate anything for fear of bothering people.

Real. 🫂

Real *2. As much as I want a social life outside my immediate family, I don't have the fucking energy for it. Especially knowing how people see a man, however hard I try to present who I am inside. I suppose not needing much of other people is helpful with said people trying to massacre and erase ones like me.

[Gloomy]

My parents and sister are pretty much the only people I keep in touch with. Also my maternal grandma since she lives close by (my paternal grandma and maternal grandpa live far away so I see them maybe once a year, and my dad’s sperm donor isn’t in the picture anyway). 
 

But yeah I don’t really have “friends”, and I’m fine with that to the point I used to wonder if I had schizoid personality disorder or something. I highly prefer solitude. Some weekends I like to just stay in my apartment and disengage from the outside world. Or even if I’m going out somewhere I like doing my own thing at my own pace, or if I’m going for a walk on a nature trail I’d rather spend it daydreaming or meditating than socializing with someone.

[daveb]

13 hours ago, Gloomy said:

Some weekends I like to just stay in my apartment and disengage from the outside world. Or even if I’m going out somewhere I like doing my own thing at my own pace, or if I’m going for a walk on a nature trail I’d rather spend it daydreaming or meditating than socializing with someone.

Yeah, I can happily commune with nature, browse bookstores, etc., often preferably solo. Or hang out solo in my own home with my hobbies and such.

 

I do like spending time with a certain person, but I don't get to do that often because we live too far apart. It would be good to have one or two friends closer, but I need the right kind of friends to suit my quirks, and I guess I'm not motivated to "date" enough people to find such friends (even if I knew how to do that).  

[tehlulzpare]

I’m not sure it’s a fully ace-thing. I’m on the asexual spectrum, my partner is full asexual. We are long distance for now but started close and our dynamic was obvious from day one.

 

I’m ridiculously extroverted, to the point I feel pretty stir crazy when I’m not doing something or planning to do something. I have lots of friends, and lots of acquaintances beyond that. I’m recognized in shops. Talk to people on the bus(if receptive!)

 

Her? Entirely different! She craves and needs her own space. She calls herself cat-like; she’ll be near you when she wants, then needs her own space. She has fewer friends by far, but that’s by choice, lavishing her more limited social energy on close connections she’s nurtured and formed. 
 

Now, a correlation could be made here; she’s significantly further along on the ace spectrum, but I don’t think it’s causation. You see many aces that are extroverted, they just don’t typical lurk forums as much. And my Demisexuality presents really sharply as ace most of the time; unless she’s around, I simply don’t factor in attraction. It’s not resisting, it’s not there. 
 

So, I’d argue a different idea; it’s not an inherent trait of asexuals to be introverted or extroverted, but we do live in differing societies globally. If you can navigate a life in a society that is deeply heteronormative without feeling isolated, which isn’t always easy, then extroversion tends to work.

 

But if you’re introverted, that lack can be hard. Especially if you are trying to fit in and find a common interest in a group where attraction comes up in conversation more. It can be pretty isolated. My partner describes it as a party she can peak through the blinds and see, but rarely gets invited to. 

[Miss Grey]

I am introverted and have pretty severe social anxiety, so I haven't had any friends since I was in university, which was around ten years ago. I desperately want friends but don't have the mental capacity to make them, so I'm pretty down about that. ☹️
Plus I have very few interests that appeal to a wide audience so I'm left feeling lost whenever I happen to stumble into a conversation with someone! My dream would be to have around 3-4 friends I could chat with and game with, that'd be amazing. 🙂