i don't think i'm asexual but i wish my boyfriend were...

[jsdfljoiweur]

i love my boyfriend to bits and feel awful for posting this, but...here goes.

i don't think that i'm asexual. but my life experiences have been such that i don't know if i can ever be with a sexual man 'forever', because fundamentally, i just don't feel safe.

i do love my boyfriend, but whenever he gets a boner i feel so uncomfortable, and when he's horny i feel so much anxiety and feel like i have to get away. when we have sex it's physically painful for me and i just generally have so much baggage that i end up avoiding it. right now we're on abstinence kick for at least 3 months at the suggestion of my psychologist.

i'm trying to 'fix' myself with gobs of therapy, because i know it isn't natural or healthy for me to feel this way, and i don't want to feel this way. but i think that maybe i'm just damaged and won't get better. don't get me wrong, i want to, and i'm working on it, but i just can't see it happening.

maybe it's like getting hit by a bus and having to chop off your arm...you don't spend your life lamenting over the arm you wish you still had, you don't keep trying to force on one that doesn't fit, you just learn to adapt. i wonder if eventually i will need to do this, because i don't know how i can make things work with a sexual boyfriend in the long run. things always fall apart eventually.

i sometimes would daydream about having a life with a gay husband/partner, someone to share life with, live with and sleep next to, be affectionate with but not with a sexual undertone. and we would both have the odd casual boyfriend or fling on the side, to fulfil our needs as sexual people (mine are not much nor often, but when single i do enjoy the odd makeout session with someone i don't have to get 'complicated' with). that way i could keep love and sexuality separate, because i just am not comfortable combining them.

until tonight i didn't even know that asexual people even existed (someone posted the link to this site on postsecret...ha). now that i do, i wonder how an asexual person would feel about being with someone like me. i think i could be with an asexual male or female, because without the pressure to have sex, i could just love the person. it sounds so nice.

i guess it is a moot point until my boyfriend gets too frustrated and realizes that he doesn't have to be with someone so messed up. :(

[GreyCloud]

Without meaning to offend you, could it be that you are gay? You write you can imagine being in a relationship with a male or a female. May I ask whether you have ever been with a girl? I have heard of girls who have felt uncomfortable with the male sexual behaviour before realizing they were gay. Being in a sexual relationship with a woman is less pressuring than with a guy.

I don't know you and I can't tell you who/what you are but to me, judging from that post, you sound more like a lesbian with a low sex drive than an asexual.

[Chiaroscuro]

Hi Snuff,

I don't know what the life experiences are that have made you feel so unsafe sexually, but my wife was abused as a child and she feels the same way you do about sex. This line in particular struck me as something she would say:

"it's like getting hit by a bus and having to chop off your arm... you don't spend you life lamenting over the arm you wish you still had... you just learn to adapt."

What I see here isn't asexuality, but some form of traumatic experience in the past that has made sex equivalent to danger for you. Of course you don't want to keep re-living that bad experience. I live with a 45 year-old woman who subscribes to the "just learn to adapt" plan. While she has adapted, it's diminished her life immeasurably. She can't sleep well, she's anxious, she's worried that something bad is going to happen so that when it does, she goes to pieces... it affects her whole personality.

It's terrific that you're in therapy now. There are a number of abuse survivors on Aven who have been able to avoid the tortured "adaptations" my wife has had to make to help her feel safe. healing is harder in the beginning, far better in the long run.

Good luck, and good for you for reaching out for help,

-Chiaroscuro

[jsdfljoiweur]

hi you guys...thank you for replying to my post.

greycloud, no offence taken. i often wondered if i was a lesbian (and people seem to assume that i am pretty often) but i don't think i am. i've never been with a woman though so maybe it's one of those things you don't know until you try, but i am sexually attracted to men and not to women. i'm open to experimenting with, but i think i already know the answer. a relationship with a woman seems safer because i am inherently afraid of and untrusting of men.

chiaroscuro, you have hit the nail on the head. and thank you for sharing your wife's experience with me. i keep going to therapists and trying this and that, just trying to get a little closer to normal, because i don't want to have to just adapt. but i guess it's my backup strategy. it just doesn't feel like i'll every be able to trust anyone or feel safe ever. i don't really know what it feels like. but i'm going to keep working on it.

[Chiaroscuro]

it just doesn't feel like i'll every be able to trust anyone or feel safe ever. i don't really know what it feels like. but i'm going to keep working on it.

Good luck, Snuff. I'm sure it seems hopeless right now. There are tremendous resources for survivors of sexual abuse out in the world (abuse isn't rare, 25% of women have been assaulted at some point in their lives). If you're not aware of them, RAINN (http://www.rainn.org/) is a wonderful group that can direct you to more local resources.

*hugs*

-Chiaroscuro

[jsdfljoiweur]

thanks chiaroscuro, i hadn't heard of that website but i will check it out. and thanks for your support, it really means a lot to me.

*hugs back*

-snuff

[jr1]

everyone should let their partner go at their own pace. Love means understanding

[Tool1989]

Possibly it could be either you had a bad past or that you simply get afraid because you don't want sex. It may be painful because there is a certain mood that has to be set in order for the woman to experience it. How do I know? One of my exes explained it to me. :P It may be because you simply don't want sex and you are afraid that if he gets a boner that you guys will have sex. This isn't true because even though he does have a boner, some guys like to cuddle instead of having sex. Their body kinda betrays them in a way.