Call it off?

[Oil]

I am 100% brand new to the site but here it goes.

I identify as aroace, specifically fully aromantic and grey-asexual. I have shared this openly with my friends and I am proud of my identity overall. It started recently, me and one of my best friends have been spending a lot of time together just hanging out like normal. We started experimenting (?) and it was okay at first, enjoyable even. He is the sweetest most respectful guy I’ve ever met, he never pushes my boundaries when I ask him to stop. Today though, something feels different. He’s the exact same as normal (the best friend anyone could ask for) but I feel different. I looked in the mirror after he left and I felt disgusted with myself, just thinking about it makes me feel a bit nauseous. He did literally nothing wrong, it is all me. 
I honestly don’t know what to do. I don’t necessarily want to call off whatever our arrangement is but I’m not particularly enthusiastic for it to continue. I know that if I told him I didn’t want to do anything anymore he would completely respect that but I also know that no matter explanation I provide, he’ll blame himself. He knows I’m aroace and we’ve talked about what that means for us (it’s completely platonic, just messing around a bit) but even so, he’s so concerned with how I feel that he’ll beat himself up even if it’s my asexuality that’s getting in the way, not him.

Advice? Input? Anything?? 
I’m just so scared of messing up our relationship with this.

[camillosan]

How about communicating exactly what you just said here to him? He seems like an understanding and respectful friend.

[JupiterJazz]

You cannot control whether he beats himself up about this or not. All you can do is be a good friend and preempt his concerns by informing him he's done nothing wrong. Then it's on him to work through his own feelings about his behaviour and his place in this situation. That's a him thing, not a you thing. But if you feel able to recall specific actions and behaviours that have made you feel this way, you can tell him that you're available to go through it and help him work through stuff.

 

As for you, it seems you have an idea of what you want. Or rather, what you don't want. It is worthwhile to communicate this, just to make your position clear so both of you know where the other person stands. Tell him how you wish things to be going forward, talk about the future between you two, make it clear you want to remain friends, tell him what works for you and see if he agrees with you on it. 

 

And, finally, best of luck with everything!