Chiater Posted April 10 Share Posted April 10 Hello! I'm a woman in her late 30s who has always identified as straight. Probably like a lot of other people I always thought asexuality meant people who 100% aren't interested in sex. I recently discovered that's not true (at least not for everyone) and upon hearing from a couple of ace people started looking into different types of asexuality and some made a LOT of sense to me (aego in particular, as well as demi and generally greysexuality) but none of them, at least how they were described, seemed to fit me 100% so I kind of felt like if I embraced an ace identity I would be muscling my way in and be an imposter. I'm still pretty unsure if I do fit on the ace spectrum or if I'm just very close to it but I thought it would be a good idea to join a forum rather than questioning it endlessly in my own head! Why do I question it? - I was always the one girl in my class/friend group/etc who was completely disinterested in (and actually felt very uncomfortable by) boy bands, heartthrobs and generally sexualized content geared to young girls - when everyone in my group of girl friends would say omg he's so hot!! I would look and say "I acknowledge he's good looking but I don't find him 'attractive'; in fact always hated the word "hot" and never found anyone to actually be that just by looks - I had very few crushes and when I did I just wanted to be close to them... At most I'd picture cuddling with them; never would picture sex (except a couple of instances where I was already in a relationship with them, felt a strong connection and had done that already) - don't have much of a desire for sex, though I do have a strong desire for closeness to my husband. And I'm trying to figure out now in what way I really want intimacy and still not totally sure Why do I question it? Well, I have wanted to have and enjoyed intercourse though I don't think that's been the kind of typically situation for me... and there was one person where I was interested in just from first sight (everyone else I had to get to know first before I found them attractive) but that literally happened once and don't really know why. So at what point am I a person not that interested in sex and when am I ace?... Would love to hear from more people so I can understand different experiences! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah-Sylvia Posted April 11 Share Posted April 11 Hey @Chiater 🍰 There could be enough reason to use the graysexual label if you feel you don't fit as a sexual person. I can't say for sure but at least so far what you've said could definitely fit that. How would you feel in a relationship like with your husband if you never had sex again? Is it a form of intimacy you want with someone you love? Romance doesn't have to include sex and there's many different ways to share an intimate connection. Personally tough is a main love language of mine so I love physical closeness a lot. I don't care about sex though, but it's something I can be vaguely interested in sometimes. I've felt I don't match up to someone sexual (not enough interest in it), so that's why I use the gray-ace label. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fizzbuzz Posted April 11 Share Posted April 11 My understanding is greysexuality is a broad umbrella of experiences, some of which fit neatly into other sub-labels, while others don't. I can focus on demisexuality since that's where I focused most of my reading. I found out I was demisexual by accident really: I'd fallen in love with someone, wasn't aware of what it is that I was feeling, and then felt sexual attraction for the first time. Prior to that I passed as an asexual (although not knowing about the label or the sexual orientation). The feeling of sexual attraction was foreign to me. It was something I heard of, or seen it drive certain behaviours, but I had no reference frame to go off of with respect what it would feel like. My guess is sexual attraction drives or shapes the concept of attractiveness as well, and since I didn't feel it, I wasn't differentiating between people based on their physical attractiveness. Basically, in that state, I view everyone through the same friendly and clinical lens, like we're colleagues. Sexual attraction breaks that lens for me because now there's a group of people I'm friendly with but impartial to in certain aspects, and then there's this one person whom I can't be impartial to in the same aspects. I've talked to other demisexuals and it seems the experience varies when it comes to attitudes towards sex. Some of us are sex-repulsed in general, some only under certain circumstances (or even early or later in life), some are neutral, others are sex-positive. What's at the core of it is whether or not we feel sexually attracted to someone which is entirely tied to whether we have developed an emotional bond with that person. So emotional bond doesn't guarantee sexual attraction, but sexual attraction can't develop without the emotional bond. For some, an emotional bond is something they can develop easily or more quickly than others. The requirement is still there though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wortkraecker Posted April 12 Share Posted April 12 Yes, sounds like you’re already in the grey-ace zone. You don’t have to match it 100%, it’s a spectrum, not a checklist. If sex is rare but not off the table, that’s kind of the vibe. You’re not an imposter for questioning it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chiater Posted April 12 Author Share Posted April 12 On 4/10/2025 at 10:22 PM, Sarah-Sylvia said: Hey @Chiater 🍰 There could be enough reason to use the graysexual label if you feel you don't fit as a sexual person. I can't say for sure but at least so far what you've said could definitely fit that. How would you feel in a relationship like with your husband if you never had sex again? Is it a form of intimacy you want with someone you love? Romance doesn't have to include sex and there's many different ways to share an intimate connection. Personally tough is a main love language of mine so I love physical closeness a lot. I don't care about sex though, but it's something I can be vaguely interested in sometimes. I've felt I don't match up to someone sexual (not enough interest in it), so that's why I use the gray-ace label. Yeah sex, at least the way I think most people think of it (involving penetration), isn't something I desire and if we didn't have sex again I would be fine with that. But I do want physical closeness. For me the challenge is figuring out what I do want and how to build up that kind of intimacy with my husband cuz you know, life happens and things can fall off... And it's hard to fix something when you don't even know what the problem is or what you want. So at least questioning all of this has brought it into the conversation 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah-Sylvia Posted April 12 Share Posted April 12 16 minutes ago, Chiater said: Yeah sex, at least the way I think most people think of it (involving penetration), isn't something I desire and if we didn't have sex again I would be fine with that. But I do want physical closeness. For me the challenge is figuring out what I do want and how to build up that kind of intimacy with my husband cuz you know, life happens and things can fall off... And it's hard to fix something when you don't even know what the problem is or what you want. So at least questioning all of this has brought it into the conversation Sex can be just genital stimulation for sexual pleasure, so not just penetration, but yeah, it's just about figuring out what you want and don't want, and what you're ok with. And being able to talk about it with your partner <3. It can be difficult in sexual relationships for me because I'm very sensual so I love to touch and caress as well, which can trigger arousal in a partner. For that reason it takes that there's enough compatibility and also that we understand each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emma49 Posted April 17 Share Posted April 17 Hi Chiater, A lot of what you wrote is similar to my experience. I often wonder if I'm "allowed" to use this label or that, or if certain feelings "count" as attraction, or if wanting to be able to participate in some types of sex disqualifies me. Over the past year or so of reading about asexuality, I've gotten more comfortable with considering it part of my identity. But I tend to stick with terms like gray-ace or "on the asexual spectrum" so I think I'm still scared of being called out as an imposter. I hope you can find the answers you need. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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