BJ90 Posted April 10 Share Posted April 10 For a long time i have been struggling with my sexual orientation. For years i struggled accepting I was bi. I finally did and i felt good about it. Lately ive been dealing with whether or not I am gay or asexual. There is a guy friend that I have known since high school. We recently reconnected. We have been intimate together. When he has held my hand I felt arousal. When he has kissed me i felt arousal. When we are intimate or have sex though I don't feel much if anything. It has. made me feel frustrated or confused. I do want to try a relationship with a woman or be intimate and see how i feel but....all i have been focusing on is if i have feelings for him and if i am asexual/gay/have a physical problem in my body. I h ave had real crushes on both men and women in the past but most of them have been romantic. When i look at a picture of he and i get emotional. Please give feedback or advice but please dont be rude. Thanks! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vero Totem Posted April 10 Share Posted April 10 Technically, the two are not mutually exclusive. You could be homoromantic and still be on the asexual spectrum. You might also be demisexual and not fully asexual. What you describe sounds a lot like a friend of mine. She is best described as a biromantic demisexual. She has been in relationships with both men and women (I don't think she's ever been with a nonbinary person before) and almost never craves sexual intercourse except with her two current boyfriends and one or two past relationships. (Incidentally, she's also polyamorous.) She thought she was asexual for the longest time before she came to the conclusion that she's actually demi, so don't be afraid to take your time. Your feelings are valid and there is no rush. You've got this. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJ90 Posted April 10 Author Share Posted April 10 Right now I’ve been struggling with whether or not I’m even attracted to my guy friend. I am female. I honestly cry more when I think of him etc more than accepting I’m gay or not. And I’ve said to myself “you’re gay so you can’t be with him” etc. like I cry at how much of a good guy he is. Like I’m kinda doing it now. He is an amazing man who treats me well. Growing up I’ve never been someone to be like “omg I want fuck them” except two guys. An old coworker once sent a picture of his abs and I got really aroused. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopeful_cold3769 Posted April 10 Share Posted April 10 Arousal and attraction are not equivalent. The fact that sex felt underwhelming is a pretty big clue that you are ace. So I’d say you are asexual or maybe demisexual and either homoromantic or biromantic. in the end, only you know how you feel and how to best describe it 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJ90 Posted April 10 Author Share Posted April 10 I’m sorry for rambling Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah-Sylvia Posted April 10 Share Posted April 10 Hi @BJ90 Do you know about the split attraction model? It's possible to be biromantic but homosexual. Or you could be only sensual and not sexual. I'm graysexual and I use the label because I can sometimes have a bit of interest in sex but not much. What's important to me is romance, as in non-sexual intimacy in my case. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJ90 Posted April 10 Author Share Posted April 10 What does mean then he kisses me or holds my hand I feel arousal? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah-Sylvia Posted April 10 Share Posted April 10 11 minutes ago, BJ90 said: What does mean then he kisses me or holds my hand I feel arousal? It means you're reacting not just emotionally but physically too. It could mean something on the sexual side but only if you're feeling drawn to share sexual intimacy along with it. Arousal can happen because libido can do that even with some who are asexual. We make a distinction between arousal and sexual attraction/desire. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJ90 Posted April 10 Author Share Posted April 10 After we’ve had sex or been intimate I’ve balled. And I don’t know if it’s because I feel sad about not feeling anything when I’m with him or because in general, I don’t feel anything Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah-Sylvia Posted April 11 Share Posted April 11 @BJ90 I can't look see your feelings easily so I don't know what's going on for you. But you can say more around that if you want to share more around it and get more thoughts. Maybe you're putting pressure on yourself? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilihierax Posted April 11 Share Posted April 11 6 hours ago, BJ90 said: I’m sorry for rambling No need apologize xx 6 hours ago, BJ90 said: What does mean then he kisses me or holds my hand I feel arousal? Assuming you mean arousal in terms of a bodily response to stimuli, this is totally normal for any person. It's your body becoming aroused due to physical touch or stimuli of a sexual nature, but on a personal psychological level, you may not actually be interested in doing anything sexual with the person touching you (or anyone in the stimuli). So to answer your question, it may mean nothing, except your body doing regular human body stuff. Arousal can happen even with someone you aren't sexually attracted to, because sexual attraction and sexual arousal are not the same thing. They can and often do happen in tandem for many people, which is why many people don't yet see them as two seperate things. But we can experience attraction without arousal, and arousal without attraction. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilihierax Posted April 11 Share Posted April 11 It sounds like you are feeling a lot of attractions towards him (emotional, sensual, possibly alterous) - but not necessarily sexual. I can see how that would be confusing to and hard to make sense of it all. That's totally okay. It's clear that you really care about this guy and your emotional connection with him. Attraction isn't simple, black-and-white, this-or-that. I suggest reading about tertiary attraction, split-attraction model, & oriented aro ace. You may not fully relate to these concepts but they could help you understand the complexities a bit more. All the best xx 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJ90 Posted April 11 Author Share Posted April 11 I appreciate all the advice and feedback, but it just makes me ask myself. Should I even be intimate with him because if I don’t feel anything then what would be the point? I even cried really hard because either I’m sad because I don’t feel anything or if it’s because I don’t feel anything toward him and it just makes me really sad. I’ve only had one sexual experience with a woman, and I don’t know if it was because she was a bad kisser or if I wasn’t into it, but it felt really awkward for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJ90 Posted April 11 Author Share Posted April 11 I don’t think im aromantic because I fell in love with my ex boyfriend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Qiri Posted April 11 Share Posted April 11 44 minutes ago, BJ90 said: Should I even be intimate with him because if I don’t feel anything then what would be the point? You should do what you feel comfortable doing. If you are not comfortable with a physical act, it's perfectly valid to set a boundary and say, "I'm not comfortable doing X or Y or Z. I will not do those things." Some people who are asexual do have physical intimacy with a sexual partner; however, it's because they are genuinely okay doing so. Typically, it's because the sexual partner needs/wants sex and the asexual partner is okay compromising to meet the needs of their sexual partner. However, if someone is a sex-adverse individual, it's fine to refuse to have sex - full stop. No one should do something they are uncomfortable doing. If this is the case, it is important that the partner understand this and be alright with not ever having sex. For the asexual bit - do you think you would want sex if you found the right romantic partner? If you fell in love with someone else, do you imagine wanting sex with them? Or even if you fell in love with someone, would you not want sex? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJ90 Posted April 11 Author Share Posted April 11 I mean im not opposed to sex snd I like being touched etc. it’s been a matter of my body not physically react fromi lntimacy and that’s why I feel hesitant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJ90 Posted April 11 Author Share Posted April 11 I’ve got a lot of moments in life where a guy kissed me and I am very brain foggy and goofy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vero Totem Posted April 11 Share Posted April 11 Human beings are complicated creatures. Finding your label may take a lot of time, so don't feel ashamed or pressured into using a label that might not be the best fit. You could be bi, pan, grey, ace, a combination of labels, or something else entirely. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJ90 Posted April 11 Author Share Posted April 11 The one I am feeling the most stressed out about is being gay. I know it wouldn’t be bad. But I’ve felt things for guys idk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vero Totem Posted April 11 Share Posted April 11 I wouldn't get too bogged down by gay or straight or ace. As I've mentioned before, it's quite possible to be a combination of labels. Would it be so bad if you happened to be bi or pan romantic as well as somewhere on the asexual spectrum? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJ90 Posted April 11 Author Share Posted April 11 No not at all Im Not against it it’s just understanding what my truth is 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Qiri Posted April 12 Share Posted April 12 18 hours ago, BJ90 said: I mean im not opposed to sex snd I like being touched etc. it’s been a matter of my body not physically react fromi lntimacy and that’s why I feel hesitant If you would want sex with a partner when the situation is right for you, that would generally be more consistent with being sexual than asexual. That said, greysexual and demisexual (both on the asexual spectrum) may be applicable as well depending on how you experience the desire for sex. Physical response to stimuli (or lack of) by itself does not determine if someone is asexual or not. An asexual person who does not desire sex at all under any circumstance could have a physical response to stimuli; a sexual person who desires sex a lot may struggle with a physical response to stimuli. If you struggle with physical reaction from intimacy and that is bothering you (you are unhappy or distressed by this), it may be worth seeing if there could be a medical explanation (including mental health). As for labels, take your time. It's okay to experiment with them and try them out and see what fits and feels comfortable, and what doesn't. It's okay to change your mind as your lived experiences grow. There's no deadline to meet. And if you prefer, you don't even need to use labels at all. It's all about what resonates with you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJ90 Posted April 12 Author Share Posted April 12 I think like I’ve been saying it’s the gay part or label I’m struggling with. Like I’ve never really had sexual attraction in general when I see someone man or women. Like I’m never someone who goes “Damn I wanna fuck that” man or woman except two guys. And when I don’t feel anything when being intimate with my guy friend I get confused and anxious and all it makes me feel is oh youre gay and you can’t be with him” but that doesn’t give me thrill or excitement 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJ90 Posted April 12 Author Share Posted April 12 And I’ve cried hard when not feeling anything with him Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Qiri Posted April 12 Share Posted April 12 Is it possible you are not attracted to him? Why did you get intimate with him in the first place? Was it an experiment? Curiosity? Are you in a relationship? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJ90 Posted April 12 Author Share Posted April 12 Curiosity and when Hes kissed me etc I’ve felt arousal. But why does it make me sad/angry when I read that? Does it mean I’m gay? >< please do not judge me. He is aware of my situation Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Qiri Posted April 12 Share Posted April 12 2 hours ago, BJ90 said: Curiosity and when Hes kissed me etc I’ve felt arousal. But why does it make me sad/angry when I read that? Does it mean I’m gay? >< please do not judge me. He is aware of my situation It may mean that he's someone you aren't attracted to. It doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't attracted to guys at all, but perhaps that you aren't attracted to this particular guy. Or it may mean you aren't into guys and could be into girls. Or perhaps you are on the asexual spectrum. Do you feel sad/angry that you felt arousal because you were being kissed by a guy, or by this person specifically, or that you were kissed at all (does kissing make you feel uncomfortable)? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJ90 Posted April 12 Author Share Posted April 12 28 minutes ago, Qiri said: It may mean that he's someone you aren't attracted to. It doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't attracted to guys at all, but perhaps that you aren't attracted to this particular guy. Or it may mean you aren't into guys and could be into girls. Or perhaps you are on the asexual spectrum. Do you feel sad/angry that you felt arousal because you were being kissed by a guy, or by this person specifically, or that you were kissed at all (does kissing make you feel uncomfortable)? No it doesn’t make me uncomfortable. It makes me angry that I don’t have feelings for him and as I write this I cry. He is such a good man. Now I’m tearing up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJ90 Posted April 12 Author Share Posted April 12 I feel frustrated because I felt something when I kissed and held his hand and been close to him but all it means is I just feel arousal but it is not to him. . It has to mean something. It has to mean that at the very least I like him like him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJ90 Posted April 13 Author Share Posted April 13 What makes things even more frustrating is my body reacts physically when being touched kissed etc. it’s gotten super wet when Hes kissed me etc. but all that means is my body is just reacting to stimuli. 😞 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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