Is this fair?

[PonderingOnTheNet]

My wife just came out to me last week as asexual.  As I've been learning about it this week, I've learned that I fall into the category of allosexual.  I am still madly in love with her and want to support her in all things.  However, I need to address that I have my needs, too.  My reading so far has shown that communication and sacrifice is key to success in a relationship of this kind.

 

I'm trying to figure out what that means to me, and if what I'm asking for is fair to her.  Here is my question.  One of the things I need from the sexual side of the relationship is that I want/need to feel desired....wanted.  So, if she and I agree that we have periodic sex, is it fair to stipulate that regardless of how infrequent it happens, I need her to be genuinely wanting and needing of the sex when it does happen?  This might be a crappy way to say it, but when she mentioned to me when she came out that she thinks we could schedule time for sex, I don't want it to be something that she feels compelled to do....or pities me to do.  I don't think that the compromise for period sex without the intent would do my self-image more benefit than harm.

I'm still trying to figure all of this out.  I pray that I'm not being offensive in any of this.  It's all new to me.

[Frameshift07]

58 minutes ago, PonderingOnTheNet said:

is it fair to stipulate that regardless of how infrequent it happens, I need her to be genuinely wanting and needing of the sex when it does happen?

She's asexual, I take it that means she doesn't want or need sex.

[Windmills of My Mind]

4 hours ago, PonderingOnTheNet said:

My wife just came out to me last week as asexual.  As I've been learning about it this week, I've learned that I fall into the category of allosexual.  I am still madly in love with her and want to support her in all things.  However, I need to address that I have my needs, too.  My reading so far has shown that communication and sacrifice is key to success in a relationship of this kind.

Communication: yes. To be fair, all relationships would need communication. An incompatibility such as this makes the need for communication more acute if you will.

 

Sacrifice: no. Mind you, in the end it is of course up to you if you are willing to do so. But no one is asking or requiring you to do so to the point of you being fundamentally unhappy or miserable. A relationship between two people should attribute to the happiness and fulfilment of both partners. If it does not do so, then it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. At some point the relationship may have to either change or end, for the best of all involved.

 

4 hours ago, PonderingOnTheNet said:

I'm trying to figure out what that means to me, and if what I'm asking for is fair to her.  Here is my question.  One of the things I need from the sexual side of the relationship is that I want/need to feel desired....wanted.  So, if she and I agree that we have periodic sex, is it fair to stipulate that regardless of how infrequent it happens, I need her to be genuinely wanting and needing of the sex when it does happen?  This might be a crappy way to say it, but when she mentioned to me when she came out that she thinks we could schedule time for sex, I don't want it to be something that she feels compelled to do....or pities me to do.  I don't think that the compromise for period sex without the intent would do my self-image more benefit than harm.

No that would not be fair. We cannot require another person to be genuinely wanting and needing anything. Just like we cannot demand from another person to be happy, to laugh, to cry, to like our favorite food, TV show, music, whatever. We do not control nor are we responsible for other people's wants and desires. If it feels like "pity sex" or a one way thing to you, it may not be what you need. You may prefer to say no to that when it is doing more harm than good to your self-image. Just don't blame your partner. In the same way she cannot blame you for wanting sex in your life, for having the need to feel desired. You are not alone in that aspect. Many people need this and you should not feel ashamed or lacking or whatever for having this need and valuing it as an essential part of yourself.

 

4 hours ago, PonderingOnTheNet said:

I'm still trying to figure all of this out.  I pray that I'm not being offensive in any of this.  It's all new to me.

I take no offense. You are clearly doing your very best to learn how to cope with a new situation, while remaining loving and respectful toward your partner. You are doing fine.

[Liara]

Sadly you are asking the very precise thing she certainly can’t give you. As an asexual person she can’t feel sexual desire. She is not wired for that. She doesn’t need sex. She certainly would be happy to never have it again.

Sorry.

[uhtred]

Its a terrible situation, and one faced by several of us here.    Often there is no good solution, just less bad ones.

The first key is to communicate what you each need to be happy and see if its possible.  There is no right / wrong, just honesty about what you need.    If you need to be sexually desired, then that is reality.  If she is unable to every sexually desire you, that is reality.  They are just not compatible.

 

You have the usual choices:
Compromise - if there is any compromise that makes you both happy

Sex outside of marriage if that satisfies your needs and she is happy with it

Separation if neither of the above can work.

or

Hope it gets better.   This is a recipe for one of both of you to be constantly unhappy and I strongly advise against it

[Olallieberry]

2 hours ago, PonderingOnTheNet said:

communication and sacrifice is key to success in a relationship of this kind

I mean, some sacrifice, yeah. You'll have to figure out how much — it's heartbreaking to see people who seem to be sacrificing everything for "success." (Would it be "success" if everything were sacrificed?)

 

2 hours ago, PonderingOnTheNet said:

is it fair to stipulate that regardless of how infrequent it happens, I need her to be genuinely wanting and needing of the sex when it does happen?

It's a complicated question. Here are several things to think about:

 

Maybe instead of a stipulation, you just express what works for you and what doesn't work for you. This way you're just informing about what makes "sex worth wanting," for you, instead of framing it as a "has to be this way or don't bother," which puts pressure on her to conform to something you stipulated.

 

You can always say "no," or "let's stop," if it isn't working for you.

 

And: What if it never happens? What if she never ever initiates because she never ever genuinely wants and needs it? Or what if she does initiate, but you can tell she still isn't genuinely into it the way you want her to be?

 

You say "regardless of how infrequent - " but what if the frequency turns out to be absolute zero? Is that still "regardless?" Is that sacrificing everything?

 

Speaking for myself: My asexual wife and I went through this and tried it, and where we have landed is that we don't have sex at all anymore. First we tried it with me never initiating. And so it never happened. Then we tried it with a schedule. And it sucked - I trusted that she was willing, but mere willingness is no turn-on. The performative nature of "duty sex" or "pity sex" doesn't do anything for me and I finally told her "let's just not even."

 

Back when I was more in your situation and we were very early in the process of exploring what might work for us, and we had talked about me not initiating, I used to say that I'd never tell her "no" if she herself were to initiate. Honestly, I'm not sure about that anymore. Our relationship has changed - or, at least, the way I feel about sex together has changed. She's my loved one but not my lover. She would have to really seduce me into it, her desire would have to be convincing and exciting to me. If I don't anticipate a truly mutual sexual experience, I probably wouldn't take her up on it at all.

 

Anyway, what you're asking about is fair. Just think about how you express it - or, how much of it you express. Make it about you and not about her. Instead of "stipulating," maybe just express what works for you and what wouldn't. You don't want to chase her away or make her feel self-conscious about whatever desire she does have.

 

You can keep some things to yourself. Express what you would want rather than putting it in terms of what you wouldn't want. Don't give her a reason to think she won't measure up, you know? But it's completely fair to want what you want.

[cat_lady]

Asking someone who is asexual to genuinely want or need sex is probably not going to work. By definition, asexuality is when a person doesn't have a desire for sex. There's a spectrum to this, but you may asking the impossible.

[Philip027]

6 hours ago, PonderingOnTheNet said:

One of the things I need from the sexual side of the relationship is that I want/need to feel desired....wanted.  So, if she and I agree that we have periodic sex, is it fair to stipulate that regardless of how infrequent it happens, I need her to be genuinely wanting and needing of the sex when it does happen? 

Yes, many sexual people seem to feel that way.

 

It is something you will never get from an asexual.  You may very well be desired and wanted, but not in the way you're talking about.  It is not something you can just coax out of them, either.  You either feel this kind of thing, or you don't.  You can't just negotiate it out of someone; if you think you have (and the person actually is asexual as they claim), you would just be getting a faked reaction, which I'm sure also isn't what you want.

[jont]

It's fair enough that you should state your needs. She has certainly stated hers. That you want sex to happen only if she has a genuine desire for it is considerate of her new asexual identity. 

Can you two make this altered relationship work? This is all very new and you both have some soul-searching to do. 

• Was her offer of periodic sex sincere, or was it just a concession to your desires as she imagines them? 
• Is she finished with sex, or does she feel that she might genuinely desire sex sometimes? 
• Are you OK with continuing this relationship even if it no longer includes sex?

Keep communicating. For both of you, your feelings may still be in flux for a while. The hard part is being honest when the honest answer might be a deal-breaker. But being inauthentic to remain attached leads to resentment, not happiness. It took courage for your wife to come out about asexuality. You need to be honest about what that means to you.

 

[Guest]

if someone doesn't want sex, and you need to be wanted sexually, it will eventally become apparent that that just isn't something they feel. It doesn't mean they don't want you as a person, don't love you or don't like you, it simply means that sex is not something they have an innate desire for and creating the illusion of desire is a task for them, not a pleasure. for them, love and attraction isn't about sex.

[Sally]

Look at it this way:  You want her to want to have sex with you, and she wants you to not want sex with her.   Neither of you can do what the other wants.  

 

You're simply not a good  match.  

[pickles]

On 3/27/2025 at 10:37 AM, PonderingOnTheNet said:

is it fair to stipulate that regardless of how infrequent it happens, I need her to be genuinely wanting and needing of the sex when it does happen? 

I'm going to answer differently than most people here and say that I do think it might be possible for you two to compromise.  Your situation seems somewhat hopeful to me for several reasons.

 

First, a little about myself so you know where I'm coming from:

 

I'm asexual.

I've been married twice, both times to allosexual men.

I'm not sex-repulsed.

I have a high libido (or did; I'm 67 now, so...not so much).

I love orgasms.

 

 

I didn't figure out I was asexual until I was 49, during my second marriage (I'm single now).  It took me a long to figure out I am asexual because the many threads of myself were and still are contradictory and confusing.  My first marriage broke up due to a lack of communication and emotional intimacy, not a sexual mismatch.  I didn't realize it at the time--because he was my first sexual experience--but my first husband had a low libido.  We were well-matched as far as number of times per month that sex seemed like a good, or at least okay, idea.

 

I'll take a step back here to distinguish between wanting and needing sex.  I've never "needed" sex, am happy to go my life without it, but also was born in the 50s, and so just assumed sex was part of a romantic relationship.  I'm also not so sure I actually "wanted" sex, but I did want orgasms, and him going down on me was a pretty surefire way to accomplish that.  I'm happy to be in charge of my own orgasms--don't really need anyone for that--but did want a close relationship with my husband, so was also happy to hold off and wait for sex with him some of the time.  BUT, unlike lots of sexuals I know who do not find masturbation nearly as satisfying as partnered sex, masturbation satisfies me completely.

 

Sooo...a lot of this depends on the specifics of both you and your wife's sexuality.  I've learned from this site just how idiosyncratic each person's sexuality can be, and I know from a lot of my allosexual friends married or partnered with allosexual people that even two allosexual people are often sexually mismatched.  Usually one person wants more frequency than the other, or likes different activities, is turned on or off by different things, etc., leading to lots of fights about sex.

 

To most people in a mixed relationship (ace/allo) who either haven't been together long, or who do not have children, I almost always think the best thing to do is to split up.  Your story struck me as somewhat different because of these things that you said (the phrases I bolded):

 

"So, if she and I agree that we have periodic sex, is it fair to stipulate that regardless of how infrequent it happens, I need her to be genuinely wanting and needing of the sex when it does happen?  This might be a crappy way to say it, but when she mentioned to me when she came out that she thinks we could schedule time for sex, I don't want it to be something that she feels compelled to do....or pities me to do.  I don't think that the compromise for period sex without the intent would do my self-image more benefit than harm."

 

"Periodic sex...regardless of how infrequent it happens...she thinks we could schedule time for sex...the compromise for period sex..." (I'm assuming you mean periodic here.)  These all point to two people who might be willing to compromise in an effective way.  (Or they might not!)

 

In my second marriage, we had wonderful communication and fantastic emotional intimacy (we are still each other's absolute best friends for life), but we were sexually incompatible.  My husband wanted a lot of partnered sex--much, much more than I was comfortable with.  It was this relationship that led me to discover I was asexual, as I happened to read an article in a newspaper about asexuality in 2006.  The article led me to Aven and to the start of my asexual discovery.  But had I still been in my first marriage, I might not have recognized myself in the article, since sexual compatibility was not our big issue.  As I said before, so much will depend on the specifics of both you and your wife, and where you are each coming from.  How long you've been together, how flexible you each are (or not flexible--those places are important to discover too), if you have children, what your priorities are, where you are in your journeys of self-discovery, etc.

 

Good luck with everything, no matter what you both decide.  I'd love to hear updates if you're so inclined.

[pickles]

On 3/27/2025 at 12:26 PM, Liara said:

As an asexual person she can’t feel sexual desire.

This is such a gray area for me, even though I identify as asexual.  I would say for sure that I don't feel sexual attraction.  I can feel strong romantic attraction (I love to cuddle), intellectual attraction, and emotional attraction, but, not sexual.  My attractions towards other people are separate from my libido and my enjoyment of "activities that lead to orgasm."  I would say that all my attractions towards a certain individual do not make me want to have sex with that person.  In the past I have been willing to engage in activities with that person that led to sexual pleasure for both of us, but I didn't "need" that sexual pleasure to come from partnered sex.  I would also have been happy to cuddle and whisper sweet nothings, and then to meet my sexual desires on my own.

 

Contradictory and confusing?  Probably. 🤷‍♀️

[PonderingOnTheNet]

Thank you all for all of this perspective.  It's very insightful and helpful.  I appreciate all of the diverse opinions here.  Even the ones that were sharp and hurt a little with comments about ending the relationship.  Diversity of opinion and perspective is really something that will just help me.  So, again.  Thank you.

I feel that maybe opening up a little and providing some more perspective given some of the ideas I've heard might help.  It's not something that I'd normally tell anyone, but my therapist, but the anonymity of the board helps.

So, for the past year, I've been struggling with a lot of self-esteem issues.  I had a traumatic experience that destroyed a lot of my self-regulating tools to manage it over my life.  In fact, I didn't even realize I was doing all of it until I went to therapy.  Therapy made me remember how I used to hear the "joke" all the time from my parents about their "ugly little baby".  Maybe it was just a bad joke, and in my heart, I knew they were joking.  But, those were the words they said, and apparently, they stuck.  Combine that with the teasing I got from the people I got growing up and my horrible luck with relationships, well, yeah.  Self-esteem issues.  The desire to feel sexually attractive to me is something that I feel I need right now.  It's like a core affirmation that would fly in the face of all of the self-doubt I've had.  It's even harder for me to deal with since my wife's coming out feels like a huge departure for what I thought was there in the beginning.  We had what I considered a healthy sex life at the start of our 16 year relationship, and how things are different.  I feel a bit trapped, if that makes sense, since I am deeply and earnestly in love with her now.  But, again, I feel that I have to consider my needs, too, to work on my mental health.

 

All of this the information y'all have provided helps a lot as does the stuff I've learned from other avenues of research into asexuality.  I really want to support her, and I do understand that it's not me....she has an orientation that she didn't choose.  I feel no ill-will towards her over all of this.  I want to be clear on that.  In fact, it's the opposite.  I think I love her more and want to continue the relationship.  I just can't rationalize how I can do all of that without those needs I have being unanswered.  My therepist reminds me that none of us can control other people and we can only control ourselves.  Which is what I'm trying to do.  I'm trying to figure out how to adjust my thoughts and perspectives to get something to shore up my own self-doubts about myself.  It's not easy, of course.  But, I'm not done yet.  I just need to figure out how to stop being "mommy's ugly little baby" with "the face that only a mother can love."  

The way my mind works right now is that it's very clear that open communication is key here.  Maybe compromise as well.  I'm just having a very hard time ticking off boxes in my mind with advice that isn't more granular than "communicate better."  I really wish that I could find more specific examples of things that other allos have tried in their allo-ace relationships...things that have worked or even didn't.

 

Again, thank you all.

[blaigorn]

17 minutes ago, PonderingOnTheNet said:

she has an orientation that she didn't choose

You also have an orientation that you didn't choose. How easy would it be if you both were asexual, wouldn't it? (and matching in physical/romantic/sexual level to, as I can imagine even between ace couples there could be conflicts regarding their own needs and compatibility).

 

19 minutes ago, PonderingOnTheNet said:

The way my mind works right now is that it's very clear that open communication is key here.  Maybe compromise as well.  I'm just having a very hard time ticking off boxes in my mind with advice that isn't more granular than "communicate better."  I really wish that I could find more specific examples of things that other allos have tried in their allo-ace relationships...things that have worked or even didn't.

Open communication is good if you value your partner and your relationship, which you probably do if you are here and looking for answers. It's the bridge for both of you to talk through your incompatibilities and challenges and hopefully finding a solution together. It's also a way of intimacy and connection. I feel way more connected now with my wife, now that we finally seemed to unblock our communication. It's not perfect yet, but it's way better. I've learned a lot about her and she learned a lot about me, including things I never shared to anyone before (and vice-versa).

 

I think you have the four ethical options: voluntary celibacy, compromise, ethical non-monogamy and separating. You should talk together and consider them all as potential options. Read more about each. One book that helped me opening my viewpoints was Mating in Captivity, by Esther Perel.

 

26 minutes ago, PonderingOnTheNet said:

The desire to feel sexually attractive to me is something that I feel I need right now.  It's like a core affirmation that would fly in the face of all of the self-doubt I've had.

I am not a therapist, but I would say that for a long time I tried to "understand" why I have these sexual needs. Why can't I forsake/control them so we can have a happy relationship? Why do I need sexual intimacy? And while you might find some potential "root causes" (and working on overcoming those seem huge for leading a happier life), I wouldn't put too much in: "I need sex because of X, so I need to fix X". What if you fix X to find that you still have those needs? Although I would 100% encourage you to work on your self-esteem issues, it's just I do think those can be related, but are separate things. You could do the reverse and "force" your partner to work on her issues that are preventing them from being allosexual. Sounds terrible? It does, because it starts to get into a kind of conversion therapy and not respecting their identity.

[Olallieberry]

7 hours ago, PonderingOnTheNet said:

Thank you all for all of this perspective.  It's very insightful and helpful.  I appreciate all of the diverse opinions here.  Even the ones that were sharp and hurt a little with comments about ending the relationship.  Diversity of opinion and perspective is really something that will just help me.  So, again.  Thank you.

I feel that maybe opening up a little and providing some more perspective given some of the ideas I've heard might help.  It's not something that I'd normally tell anyone, but my therapist, but the anonymity of the board helps.

So, for the past year, I've been struggling with a lot of self-esteem issues.  I had a traumatic experience that destroyed a lot of my self-regulating tools to manage it over my life.  In fact, I didn't even realize I was doing all of it until I went to therapy.  Therapy made me remember how I used to hear the "joke" all the time from my parents about their "ugly little baby".  Maybe it was just a bad joke, and in my heart, I knew they were joking.  But, those were the words they said, and apparently, they stuck.  Combine that with the teasing I got from the people I got growing up and my horrible luck with relationships, well, yeah.  Self-esteem issues.  The desire to feel sexually attractive to me is something that I feel I need right now.  It's like a core affirmation that would fly in the face of all of the self-doubt I've had.  It's even harder for me to deal with since my wife's coming out feels like a huge departure for what I thought was there in the beginning.  We had what I considered a healthy sex life at the start of our 16 year relationship, and how things are different.  I feel a bit trapped, if that makes sense, since I am deeply and earnestly in love with her now.  But, again, I feel that I have to consider my needs, too, to work on my mental health.

 

All of this the information y'all have provided helps a lot as does the stuff I've learned from other avenues of research into asexuality.  I really want to support her, and I do understand that it's not me....she has an orientation that she didn't choose.  I feel no ill-will towards her over all of this.  I want to be clear on that.  In fact, it's the opposite.  I think I love her more and want to continue the relationship.  I just can't rationalize how I can do all of that without those needs I have being unanswered.  My therepist reminds me that none of us can control other people and we can only control ourselves.  Which is what I'm trying to do.  I'm trying to figure out how to adjust my thoughts and perspectives to get something to shore up my own self-doubts about myself.  It's not easy, of course.  But, I'm not done yet.  I just need to figure out how to stop being "mommy's ugly little baby" with "the face that only a mother can love."  

The way my mind works right now is that it's very clear that open communication is key here.  Maybe compromise as well.  I'm just having a very hard time ticking off boxes in my mind with advice that isn't more granular than "communicate better."  I really wish that I could find more specific examples of things that other allos have tried in their allo-ace relationships...things that have worked or even didn't.

 

Again, thank you all.

Wow, this is heavy stuff. Congratulations for daring to share it and daring to try to resolve it. Especially under the circumstances.