If you’ve ever felt sexual attraction please help me

[Hurta]

If y’all don’t want to read all the context it’s fine, just answer the bolded question please.
 

Hey! I want to preface this by giving a bit of context (I’ve given it before, in other parts of this forum, but I don’t expect y’all to have read that). I’m sort of dating this guy, he’s very respectful about my body and wishes, and everything seems to be going super well so far. I had a minor crisis a few days ago, wondering how on earth I’d ever tell him I was ace, but with y’all’s (and some irl’s) help, I figured that part out.

 

The thing now is, I think I may be feeling sexual attraction towards him. Maybe? Like maybe that’s this new feeling, but I’ve never felt it before, so I can’t be too sure.

 

I went to his house yesterday because he was sick, and so I decided to make him company and, you know, pamper him a little. It wasn’t a virus or anything, he had an injured foot, so we spent all the time in his bed, cuddling, watching movies, and kissing. Now, it’s the kissing part that got me wondering. I’ve kissed people before (though no one I liked  romantically like him), but these kisses made me had a strong physical reaction and maybe wanting more… but I can’t be sure if that was sexual attraction or my body reacting to him.

 

Nothing beyond kissing happened, he knows I have no experience and he’s so respectful about taking things slow, but some of the kisses were very heated, and I honestly wouldn’t have minded if anything did happen (at least at the moment, right now I’m… conflicted about it). It’s like there are two parts of my brain fighting each other, one that wouldn’t want to accept I’m demi (because I’ve never felt like this about anyone before, and we do have a strong emotional connection I feel like) because I’d rather cling to the ace label, and another that would desperately take the demi label just so I don’t potentially have to break things off with him over my asexuality. At this point in time, I can’t tell if either is winning, or if either is even true.

 

So I come to you, the sexuals, demis, and gray-aces of the forum. How did y’all realize you did feel sexual attraction? What is that feeling like for you?

[KVA1983]

Hurta ♥ 

 

Sexual attraction for myself can feel like a heightened sensitivity and responsiveness in the body, often accompanied by increased heart rate and changes in my breathing. 

 

It's normal to feel conflicted especially if you have felt a certain way before and all of a sudden someone comes into your life. In which can make you feel the opposite to it.

 

He seems very understanding and I am so happy that you have met someone who truly sees you ♥ Just take it at your own pace ♥ xx

[Hurta]

Thanks for the input, @KVA1983 <33

 

i know I should take things slow and I’m trying, I just also have really bad anxiety and want to figure things out ASAP 😭 and thanks, he is truly a gem, they don’t make romantic men like him anymore I’m so happy I found him

[KVA1983]

You are very welcome, my lovely ♥ 

I can be a little impatient myself and tend to find myself wanting to figure things out as quickly as possible. But it's the joy of life, learning to trust, patience and hold onto those that truly see us for who we are. Just be the beautiful soul you are and he will see that in all aspects. Eventually the anxiety will ease ♥ xxx

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi @Hurta.

 

Arousal and sexual attraction work together so they can often be mixed up, but they can be separate too especially considering how we talk about it in the asexual community. The best thing to focus on is when you feel drawn to (or desire) sexual intimacy from those feelings, with that person. If it's new you might not be able to figure it all out right away, and there's no rush ;). And there's nothing wrong with experiences either, if you ever want to try. Maybe it's better to preface that it'd be to see how it feels to you.

 

My thoughts on sexuality changed a lot in my life including with experiences so personally I think it's good to be open and focus on what you want rather than having to fit a certain way, but obviously I understand if someone can be attached to one. I think what I've felt sometimes can be thought of as sexual attraction.. it's just hard for it to matter to me. It's possible for me to feel aroused and want to be sensual, but sex itself .. is a mixed bag to me xD. For most people it can feel like an extension of physical intimacy.. but for me that's the sensual part, not sex in my case because that part feels unnecessary and can be or get boring for me. That's just me, while obviously it'll be very different for someone demisexual, where it'll feel good and wanted as a form of intimacy.

[Hurta]

Thanks for your input, @Sarah-Sylvia, I’ll keep that in mind as I navigate this :)))

[Ceebs]

I just think of attraction as attraction, so like even when I had my first crush at 11 or whatever, even when I briefly dated someone in my late teens and definitely wasn't ready to be having sex and didn't want to, my (developing) sexuality was still part of those feelings even if I didn't recognise it. Sexual desire coupled with some degree of arousal, though... that seems to be what you're referring to in your situation, and I suppose I realised I felt it when I knew I had an urge to take things further with someone. Not just kissing, not just cuddling, but clearly sexual things. And not just in a hypothetical way like some people might fantasise about an impossible crush or someone famous, but I had a connection with someone and the possibility of us having sex was very much real.
 

Sounds straightforward, right? In some ways, yes. The natural instinct and something that felt like a craving were certainly there. But most of the time -- for years -- I was so profoundly emotionally uncomfortable with these feelings that I squashed them down and told myself that if they made me feel that badly, they couldn't possibly be genuine desires. Which of course is... not how things work. It felt different than just 'Oh my body is responding and this is weird, what the fuck'. It felt like a longing, a need to be close, a sense of excitement, a squrminess in my body, heightened awareness... it's just I felt like experiencing such things and wanting to act on them made me bad in some vague way, so the negative emotions heavily conflicted with the good feelings. These days I just experience the same good parts with none of the uncomfortable stuff, so now it is straightforward.

 

I don't know how helpful that is haha. What you're feeling could be the beginnings of desire for sure. I'm glad this guy sounds like he's very understanding and respectful. Take things at whatever pace feels right for you and try not to put pressure on yourself based on any particular label. We aren't meant to conform to labels, they're meant to describe our experiences (as accurately as they can, which is rarely perfectly).

[Hurta]

Omg @Mrs Telecaster-to-be I’m so glad you answered, I wanted your input so badly -I knew you identified as ace before, so your experience was one I wanted to hear about. Thanks for popping by!

 

Your input is actually pretty clarifying, I like the way you express things because you somehow make me understand things I’d thought were abstract jaja. It may be the beginnings of desire, when you put it like that, but I am absolutely taking things slow and seeing where this all takes us.

 

18 minutes ago, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

We aren't meant to conform to labels, they're meant to describe our experiences (as accurately as they can, which is rarely perfectly).

Thanks for the reminder, I’m so fast at saying this and then forgetting that it applies to me too LMFAO

[Ceebs]

I think I was pretty sold on the ace label for maybe a couple years (late teens, early 20s, thereabouts... and admittedly entirely clueless about myself 😅), then it got confusing once I had some experiences with someone I actually cared about and felt close to, and I thought demi might be right. Except that didn't quite fit, and then I went back into my sexual repression hole for the majority of my relationship with my ex-husband even though I knew I wasn't asexual. So it felt like sexuality was irrelevant again. Since he was ace, it was hard not to feel like my own desires and feelings were weird and abnormal somehow, which brought the shame back. Through zero fault of his, to be clear; despite no actual desire for it, his attitude towards sexuality in general was probably a lot healthier than mine at the time haha. No innate interest =/= shame or sex-negativity. So yeah, that was all my stuff, not his fault, but it did make us incompatible in that area. When someone else showed interest in me when I was around 29-30 was when I started waking up to my own desires again, and although it took me a while to get comfortable with them, someone else reciprocating them and seeing them as a really good thing was helpful.

 

I will also add, desire isn't always like you might see in some movies or TV haha. I mean ok, sometimes, but feelings like craving being close and feeling squirmy and excited and thinking you want to act on them don't necessarily mean you're in some sort of overwhelming horny fugue where people are literally ripping clothes off and acting like they're about to consume each other. It can be quiet and subtle too, and pick up energy as you go.

 

17 minutes ago, Hurta said:

I am absolutely taking things slow and seeing where this all takes us.

Sounds like the right thing to do.  

[Guest]

sensual desires can exist for a person, so what really what matters is to explore what it is you want, maybe you want to be physical without sex, maybe you want to try some more sexual activities. This is, of course, assuming that you want to explore it at all. Attraction that isn't acted on is perfectly legal to do,

 

we aren't forced to do everything that sounds good. I'm going to digress a little for a moment..... If exploring is confusing and awkward, it might not be the right thing to do. I wanted to try to have sex in the past, but in the moment I wasn't able to do it, and when my partner picked up on this, that's something I won't forget. I was trying to do something that, in the moment, I wasn't ready for. I didn't think for a moment that I was allowed to be discomfortable and choose not to do it.

 

The main message I want to share is that attraction isn't the end-all be-all. Some people have some kind of desire for sex without feeling attraction that leads to that desire. and some people feel attraction but it doesn't lead to desire for sex. I've seen people debate whether these two examples are of sexual attraction or not, or of ace spec or not, which I think shouldn't really matter. if someone wants to have sex, it doesn't really matter how they feel about it to bystanders. no point trying to pick apart the theory. to the people involved, that's what matters, is it something they want, enjoy, find agreeable, and why, if it matters it matters if it doesn't it doesn't. If you never have sex, what attraction you feel isn't really the deciding factor, is it?

[Fangorn]

I've always felt sexual attraction to a certain extent, but it used to just be more of a general attraction to men. I didn't find specific people sexually attractive, but I liked seeing men naked, and I liked fantasising about sex but never specifics about how the other person looked.

 

I think the only time I've found a specific person sexually attractive is in my current relationship. I like imagining him specifically in my fantasies, and I can get aroused just by thinking of him or looking at him (which I used to think was an exaggeration or a figure of speech when people would say that a specific person turned them on). I can actually imagine myself having sex with him, which isn't something I felt for anyone else. I don't use a specific label for where I am on the asexual spectrum though.