Asexuality & BDSM: A Poll

[Cada]

Some background knowledge for you!

 

Basically, I'm a virgin who's somewhere on the aroace spectrum. I'm also very desensitised to porn and BDSM as I first started reading smut/porn at 12, actively seeking out BDSM fics by 14, and watching porn by 16. That said, I've never really gotten off to it. I get physically aroused, sure, but I never do much about it, whenever my body starts actively responding to my touch I immediately stop. It's like 3 seconds of pleasure is all I need. I literally just find porn aesthetically pleasing, I shit you not.

 

Still, be it by nature or due to prolonged exposure, I'm definitely kinky. Sure, I haven't tried any of it IRL and thurs don't know how much I'll *actually* enjoy it, but regardless: kinky. I've found the term 'stone top' (google def: In the context of sexual preferences, a "stone top" refers to someone who only enjoys giving during sex and doesn't like receiving) and I feel like it's very accurate to me. I'm on the positive side of neutral regarding the idea of making my partner feel good, but acting on my own physical arousal is something I am decidedly NOT interested in doing. Moreover, I don't care if I ever lose my virginity. It's an outdated term and I don't care about it outside of wanting to, at least once, try and find out what all the fuss is about (likely on my own, but if I find a partner then maybe with them).

 

So, am I just a stone top? Am I asexual but kinky? Is that even possible? I know asexual people can have non-sexual fetishes, can have sex, etc but I'm asking specifically about the active desire to pursue sexual fantasies. Feel free to tell me I'm an idiot or redirect me somewhere else, I tried asking on reddit and got temporarily panned from both r/asexuality and r/sex. I'm happy to buy some literature on this as well, it's all very interesting to me, so feel free to rec books if there are any.

Edited March 16 by Cada
literally I didn't know how polls worked

[Rynn]

It definitely is possible to be ace and into BDSM. For some aces BDSM isn't even sexual. I'm sure for others it is. You've probably seen that one YouTuber, Evie Lupine? I think she identies as asexual? Or grey? Not sure. Her whole channel is about BDSM. Idk if it's any good, haven't watched.

 

I don't think stone tops are necessarily all asexual, because a desire to give someone else pleasure is still a desire for partnered sex, but if they identify as ace then that's what they are. I'm sure there are nuances and individual differences there. If that's a term that's new for you and you want more info on it, Stone Butch Blues is an excellent book all around, highly recommend (it's very heavy and there is description of rape in there, it is not for all aces to read). Stone Butch Blues doesn't talk about asexuality though. There's also this video by Jade Fox which briefly raises the question whether stone tops are asexual, and there's a bunch of discussion on it in the comments. So that's a starting point.

 

But what you are is for you to figure out. I guess if I were you I'd see asexuality less as a set of qualifications you have to meet and more as a tool for communication, self-understanding and banding together over similar experiences. Would the word 'asexual' help you communicate something useful about yourself to other people? Would our (extended) vocab help you tease aspects of your sexuality apart so you could better understand yourself? Would being in the asexual community help you find others with similar experiences, so that you could share tips on how to deal, or band together for activism purposes? If some of it fits, but not all, you can mix and match different identities. 

 

Also separately, I could be projecting, but gender dysphoria can interfere with wanting to be seen or touched by others. That's not necessarily asexuality and it can go away if gender dysphoria goes away. Just to add another possible route of investigation, as if you didn't have enough on your plate already.

 

7 hours ago, Cada said:

I tried asking on reddit and got temporarily panned from both r/asexuality and r/sex.

What? Why? By an algorithm scanning for no-no-words or by actual human moderators?

 

Edited March 16 by Rynn

[SilenceRadio]

7 hours ago, Cada said:

So, am I just a stone top? Am I asexual but kinky? Is that even possible?

Being stone and being asexual aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, and neither are being kinky and being asexual.

 

There have been some discussions on asexuality & BDSM on this forum, and here and there I find connections made between asexuality & kink and how aces can be drawn toward kink due to the monopoly romantic & sexual relationships seemingly have on touch. Haven't found much otherwise. I just know that to me personally, all of that makes a lot of sense. And if it makes sense to you, then that's what matters the most.

[Cada]

1 hour ago, Rynn said:

Also separately, I could be projecting, but gender dysphoria can interfere with wanting to be seen or touched by others. That's not necessarily asexuality and it can go away if gender dysphoria goes away. Just to add another possible route of investigation, as if you didn't have enough on your plate already.

No, you're not projecting. As a non-binary, (potentially) AuDHD, and disabled person, I definitely have an interesting relationship to both sex and gender. The research on links between autism, autoimmune disorders, and gender dysphoria is actually incredibly interesting!! There's not one 'catch-all' link for me to add, but I highly recommend going down a rabbit hole on this one. I've identified as being aroace-spec for years, and have no particular desire to fit myself into a smaller or more specific label, especially because I'm still young and I have no idea how this will develop over the years as I begin to medically transition, meet new people, etc. 

 

I think my ideal relationship dynamic at the moment would be to have both a QPR/s and a seperate FWB/s, but I mentioned that online at one point and someone said "what you are describing is someone who just wants to fuck a lot of people while maintaining validation and emotional support from a close friend". I talked a bit about my current QPP in that post, and a *lot* of people said that I was just describing a friend due to the maintenance nature of our relationship (we're newly long distance and she's a med student who's as busy as you get and struggles with texting, so we don't talk often). And I guess all that kind of stuck with me? And obviously it's just random people on the internet, my identity is my own, QPRs look different for everyone, etc etc etc but still. It got me questioning if I should even call myself aroace.

 

And yes, I own Stone Butch Blues! I identify as queer, and haven't read it yet because from what I've heard online it's more from the perspective of, and written for, lesbians/sapphics.

 

2 hours ago, Rynn said:

It definitely is possible to be ace and into BDSM. For some aces BDSM isn't even sexual. I'm sure for others it is. You've probably seen that one YouTuber, Evie Lupine? I think she identies as asexual? Or grey? Not sure. Her whole channel is about BDSM. Idk if it's any good, haven't watched.

 

I don't think stone tops are necessarily all asexual, because a desire to give someone else pleasure is still a desire for partnered sex, but if they identify as ace then that's...

I'll check her channel out! And yeah, for me I don't think BDSM is sexual at all, I just wouldn't mind adding in a sexual aspect with a partner and since I have yet to find good representation of non-sexual BDSM, I guess the only info and models I have for those type of relationships are sexual in nature. A friend of mine and I are very well matched in terms of our kinks and interests, and have been talking about becoming FWBs in the (distant, since he's not in the right place mentally right now) future. He's gotten off to our more sexual conversations before, but even knowing that I don't find myself feeling anything sexually during them. Yes, I sometimes aroused, but don't act on it nor do I go into those conversations with the goal of getting aroused. I just enjoy the power dynamics and the trust between partners in these relationships.

 

1 hour ago, Rynn said:

What? Why? By an algorithm scanning for no-no-words or by actual human moderators?

Zero clue why I got *banned (not panned), my posts were both removed within like 15 minutes of posting so I didn't even get a reason why or any helpful replies before it was deleted. I'd assume because in r/asexual they don't want me talking about BDSM, and in r/sex (discussions, not NSFW) they don't want me talking about asexuality? Unsure.

 

Your comment was very helpful, thank you for taking the time to write it

[Rynn]

14 hours ago, Cada said:

The research on links between autism, autoimmune disorders, and gender dysphoria is actually incredibly interesting!! There's not one 'catch-all' link for me to add, but I highly recommend going down a rabbit hole on this one.

Haha what, you already clocked my autism? From one post? Impressive. And yah the autoimmune disorders sure do suck. We can't seem to catch a break huh? If you look at the list of things commonly co-morbid with autism, sometimes I feel like it would be quicker to just list the things that aren't often co-morbid with autism...

 

My personal favorite aha moment was learning that autistics are more likely to experience motion sickness, because your sense of balance is a sense, just like vision and touch, and we have sensory differences. And that's why on school trips the fact that the nerds sit at the front of the bus is a universal constant. 

 

14 hours ago, Cada said:

And yes, I own Stone Butch Blues! I identify as queer, and haven't read it yet because from what I've heard online it's more from the perspective of, and written for, lesbians/sapphics.

It's also quite gender-y, in a pointedly undefined way. At a couple of points in the book I went 'oh shit I'm in this book. These sentences were supposed to stay in my journal for nobody else to ever read, how did they end up here?!' Only certain sentences though. On the whole I'm very different from the protagonist. I don't necessarily consider myself sapphic. Probably.

 

14 hours ago, Cada said:

I think my ideal relationship dynamic at the moment would be to have both a QPR/s and a seperate FWB/s, but I mentioned that online at one point and someone said "what you are describing is someone who just wants to fuck a lot of people while maintaining validation and emotional support from a close friend".

To be clear, there wouldn't be anything wrong with that. 

[SilenceRadio]

19 hours ago, Cada said:

Zero clue why I got *banned (not panned), my posts were both removed within like 15 minutes of posting so I didn't even get a reason why or any helpful replies before it was deleted. I'd assume because in r/asexual they don't want me talking about BDSM, and in r/sex (discussions, not NSFW) they don't want me talking about asexuality? Unsure.

Could it be about karma? I know some subreddits don't allow users to post comments unless they have a certain amount of karma.

[GothTeddyRoosevelt]

Yes I know one woman like this IRL.