TTD Posted March 12, 2025 Share Posted March 12, 2025 A few quick notes at the start, I’ve numbered paragraphs and sections for responses and navigation purposes. This post is very long but I wanted to paint as complete a picture as I could - hopefully some of you make it to the end....fingers crossed! First off, I’d like to say thank you for whoever (person or people) set up this site and continue to run it. Coming across and reading the FAQ’s and Forum discussions, I finally heard my voice and relationship reflected back. It was pretty painful/heartbreaking at first, but has become a relief as I think I’m finally starting to understand my partners inner world better. I’ve been with my partner for 12 years, we are two guys. We have a wonderful relationship and I’m still completely head over heels in love with him. One misaligned area since the beginning has been our difference in desire, comfort and confidence in relation to physical intimacy and sex. Over the last couple of years, particularly the last 12 months as we have been travelling just him and I, I’ve at times felt lonely, sad and like I’ve been going mad trying to understand where he’s coming from and how to move forward. By sharing our story I hope to find whether he is indeed asexual, how best to broach it with him to then build a path forward together. I’ve tried to structure this post in a logical way; Part 1: sharing a contextual set up of both him and I and our personal/sexual histories, Part 2: our sexual relationship and his behaviours in context of physical intimacy and sex and Part 3: the questions I’m hoping to find answers and more information for that will help us build a shared path forward. I want to note that based on research to date and my partner possibly being asexual, has been an incredible and wonderful thing to learn. If I’m honest, I didn’t really ‘believe’ in asexuality and am excited to learn more, in order to be the best partner I can. Being in a relationship with someone who may be asexual has been a gift and privelage. It has helped me heal from my past sexual traumas and is enabling me to truly love someone unconditionally, something I thought I was doing till now. It is also helping me let go of the resentment, hurt and rejection I was beginning to hold in context of our relationship, very poisonus and destructive forces when you can’t choose who you fall in love with. Thank you in advance for any and all responses and the time taken to share these. Context of him and I: Me: I had a couple of long term relationships between 3-4 years before I met my current partner in my early thirties. I also experience sexual abuse as a child. I have always been sexually curious and confident and known since day dot that I was gay, coming out at 16. I have been in periods of talking therapy before my relationship and during in order to investigate negative behaviours from sexual abuse in context of how they may affect my relationship. I have always felt a different energy on the sex front with my current partner. It’s clear that he hasn’t always enjoyed it and doesn’t always feel comfortable. I have always enjoyed sex and have found a groove with my current partner where we can both enjoy it. Though there is rarely any desire or emotional connection from him, it feels more transactional following sexual acts that he’s comfortable with, but we bot get our rocks-off together (his words ) so from that sense I take it as part of loving him and as a pyhsical release for us both it’s great Him: He is 45 and grew up in the Republic of Ireland, a country that was very repressive towards sex and homosexuality in his youth. He is also very hetrosexual presenting. People don’t often know he identifies as homosexual. He hid his sexuality until his early twenties, and did not have many real sexual experiences until then too. He has had some more casual relationships before he met me. He may of experienced a single event of sexual abuse as a child but does not remember this. I mention these things as environmental factors we’ve discussed that may have affected his sex drive, however as I continue researching asexuality these environmental factors don’t seem to affect the manifestation of the individual identification (possibly). Our sexual relationship and his behaviours relating to physical intimacy and sex: I have a high sex drive and have always been honest that I would like to have more sexual intimacy. We currently have sex once a week because that is all my partner feels he can manage/give (his words). 3 months after beginning our relationship, in what I felt was the honeymoon period, my partner said that we didn’t need to have sex every time we met – which was the first time I had experienced that from a sexual partner. This did throw me, but on further consideration, I thought it was a great sign that he could communicate how he felt. In the western world I am what the media considers good looking, I worked as a model in my late teens and early twenties so have been comfortable with being an object of sexual desire. I still get advances from people which I don’t act on, as sex is a emotion and trust based activity for me. These advances and people commenting on the way I look, are a signal of desire that I don’t feel or get from my partner. Again, we have discussed this but he is not comfortable giving physical or sexual comments or compliments - something he works on but again this is fine We have good physical intimacy, cuddling, watching TV, spooning. But these are all things we have had to discuss and set boundaries around so he is comfortable, which is totally fine. My partner often comments that he doesn’t see the point in sex or intimacy scenes on TV or films. (Mentioning this as it’s something I’ve read common to asexuality in the FAQ’s) When I’ve asked my partner about masturbating, having noticed that he might have the hangover-horn and prefers sorting himself out, as well as waking up at night and relieving himself (his words) to get back to sleep - and why he wouldn’t choose to have a wank or ask me to help out, he says he just wants a release with no fuss or human interaction. When I’ve asked him whether he desires me, I get a vague answer in context that after 12 years these things decline. The length of time is also used in context of the frequency of sex we have too. Desire in previous long term relationships was also very present and as previously mentioned, is not something I’ve really felt from my current partner I've called him out for rushing sex and wanting to move on from one sexual act to the next during a session to get to penetration and finish. He has slowed down recently after having bought this up. He previously also used to leave the room and shower after he’d cum, but again has acknowleged that this may leave me feeling a bit used so has started lying on the bed afterwards – still asking me not to touch him. The sex acts my partner enjoys are rimming and fucking, with some kissing. When I have asked to broaden our repetoire with more intimate things (i.e. kissing or exploring my body) he finds this very uncomfortable and often states he’s never enough or that I’m saying he’s inadequate. He doesn’t really enjoy oral sex or touching/stroking, he has very high sensitivity (which I previously thought may be autistic) but he does let me do this as he knows how much I enjoy it. When he watches porn, he has also said that he doesn’t have a type and watches lots of different things as a means of getting off. I have a type, which is very much him. When I’ve tried to ask him more in detail of what he watches in order to understand what turns him on, conversations stop. This is also the case in relation to any sexual fantasies. For me, I’m very comfortable sharing information freely on both Physically I find him very attractive. I love his ‘musk’/smell, which is also a first for me. When I see him naked, even after 12 years, my tongue metaphorically hangs out. When I share this with him, he’s comfortable and consensual about things but doesn’t get it at all. I do see him admiring me from a romantic point of view, I know he loves me very deeply, but I don't feel he looks at or considers me in a sexually fuelled/lustful way - an example is when we've been apart for work or other reasons, my sexual desire builds and I'm keen to rock and roll when we get back together, however he will say hello and have a hug. He has never been able to cum with his eyes open. Which is something that also keeps the emotional connection low during sexual intimacy. He didn’t understand that love languages were about understanding your partners predominant presentation and acting towards that. He felt his were this, mine where that and that’s it. Not that by understanding them, we find a way to talk and show love acts in our partners language. He also disacknowledges sexual blue-prints. Appreciate these things may not be that scientifically robust, but are insightful based on practioners experience and in helping partners understand each other, talk each others 'languages' and adapt About 11 years into our relationship he revealed that he’s never really enjoyed sex, although he’s done plenty of it (his words) and that it took him many years to enjoy it between us. On the one hand this made me feel sad, less like I was going crazy because I'd percieved that sex sometimes felt like a chore for him / not that enjoyable (like going through the motions) and also, self-conscious about having sex with someone who was not that into it (note having read discussions of other threads where sexual partners state is can feel a little nonconsenual-esque). On the other hand though and as I continue to investigate things here, it has made the sex even more special, allowed me to back off in relation to asking for more and respecting his strong boundaries and comfort levels. We’ve spoken about open relationship on my side but I find casual sex unfulfilling. I’m confident we will find a way forward together, but first I would like to investigate asexuality and sexuality and what that means for both of us individually in how we exist in the world. I see this as a positive moment in our relationship that we will work through individually then together, to most importantly, understand each other better When we have additional sex acts beyond penetration, (due to my requests) likely he’ll ask if I want to have a wank together when he feels he needs to cum. In this situation he will lie on the bed with his eyes closed and wank himself off. I’ll be looking at him, sniffing his armpits or wanting to kiss or touch – he just wants to release vs interact. I have found this strange as I’d consider myself an attractive naked man who's there in front of him, he’s gay and also uses porn as a visual stimulation, thus confused (up until reading threads on here) that me as a visual stiumlation isn’t useful He clearly feels most comfortable when sex is a little more planned. We always ask each other whether we would like some hanky panky, it never emerges organically. He also prefers darker rooms, which also works for me too so that’s grand Something he has recently started doing which I called him out on, is wiping his mouth after we french kiss. He used to be more comfortable with the natural mess and animalness of it all - but I see/understand this as him now feeling more comfortable in our relationship to do this, so again this is fine In the past, around 80% of the time I would have suggested sex I will be turned down, so I am moving towards not intiating things anymore. Also understanding his possible asexuality is helping me back off to give him space to initiate, and respecting how his inner world makes him exist Over the last 12 years, it has been confusing for me to be with someone who is seemingly not that ‘into me’ sexually in comparison to all previous sexual partners – it’s not that hard a thing to pick up on. These feelings have been mostly transcended as I love, respect and cherish my partner deeply, and also as mentioned from a transactional point of view he does really know how to give me a good orgasm 😜. Though over the last 18 months I have felt a small lingering sense of loneliness and sadness in our relationship, which I’ve been honest with him about. I had further therapy to investigate this in context of my sexual trauma, which was helpful in itself but not very helpful in terms of these feelings. Spending the last 12 months just him and I has given us space to talk things through more and he was the person to actually say he sits more towards the asexual end of the sexual spectrum, which led me to this investigation. Again I have mentioned this to him, but he then said he’s definitely not asexual. Note question below re: a possible conflation of a united sexual continuum vs a seperate sexual and asexual one When I’ve spoken about couples therapy, even in context of telling him I haven’t been happy and feel a sense of loneliness, he says he’s happy to do it but feels that everything is fine. Again, if we're able to navigate things through together then the therapy may not be needed. Questions: Based on the information/story I’ve shared is my partner possibly asexual? If so, what is his likely sub-type? Do asexual people of all sub-types ever experience sexual desire for their partners? If he is asexual one of the most important things is for us to build an understanding of each others worlds. In context of this, where is the best information to share of my world view and experience as a sexual person? Are there any books or online articles that help paint this comparison? What is the best way to bring this up constructively with him? As mentioned, we have a solid relationship with strong communication, so I could bring it up if I have some advice on how to do this or other peoples experiences. Though we have also agreed to have couples therapy when we’re back in our home country, which would/could provide an impartial meditator. Again any experiences of this therapy approach in asexual/sexual couples would be useful In context of the above question, how else could I encourage him to understand his possible asexuality? I feel if he did this, it would also help him understand me better and what I’ve been asking for, that he is not able to give from a sexual intimacy point of view – which I now recognise is totally fine Is asexuality a recognised genetic condition, i.e. like homosexuality? Are there any scientific papers anyone could share on this? Is asexuality influenced by environmental factors as mentioned in the context section above re: repressive cultures or sexual abuse? From what I’ve read on here, is it right to assume someones asexuality is not something that is going to change over time? Is it right to assume there is a continuum within ‘sexual’ people from low to high libido and a seperate continuum for asexuality, which encompasses the sub-types and that these don’t mix? Thanks again in advance for any reponses and fair dues on getting to the end 🙂😆👍 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
everywhere and nowhere Posted March 12, 2025 Share Posted March 12, 2025 1 hour ago, TTD said: Based on the information/story I’ve shared is my partner possibly asexual? Yes, it looks like it's definitely a possibility. 1 hour ago, TTD said: Do asexual people of all sub-types ever experience sexual desire for their partners? Generally not. Some asexuals might be fine with having sex despite having no active desire, but in general, asexuality is about not desiring sex for sex itself. An asexual person can still be willing to have sex for secondary reasons, such as curiousity or because it's what their partner desires. Or, some (such as myself) might completely reject the possibility of having partnered sex, find it actively repulsive and/or terrifying rather than merely uninteresting. It seems that your partner is closer to the first subgroup, but in general, in my opinion it's better to assume that asexuals are not willing to have sex, because sex normativity should be destroyed and people should only have sex because they genuinely want to, not because it is expected of them. 1 hour ago, TTD said: In context of the above question, how else could I encourage him to understand his possible asexuality? There are many resources about asexuality, typically aimed at people who are wondering whether they might be asexual. You could start with this FAQ topic from this forum, for example. The best idea would be probably to encourage him to read such resources. There are many people who might be considered asexual, but have never heard of asexuality, or have heard something, but believe that it can't apply to them because they misunderstood it. For example, common misunderstandings are that asexual people are always aromantic as well, or that people who have a libido and pleasure themselves cannot be asexual. 1 hour ago, TTD said: Is asexuality a recognised genetic condition, i.e. like homosexuality? Are there any scientific papers anyone could share on this? I'll leave the "scientific papers" part to others who are more interested in the topic. For myself, I believe that asexuality (and other sexual orientations) should be accepted regardless of their reasons. Looking for a cause is, to me, a slippery slope to determinism with a very distinct anti-emancipatory potential: assuming that queer people should be accepted because they are unable to be straight, and not because their orientations are valuable by themselves. But still, some research has defnitely been done, for example - against all the propaganda that "homosexuality is unnatural because it goes against the reproductive instinct! And we are not anti-sex, not having sex is just as sick!", asexuality has also been observed in animals, just like homosexuality. So there are good reason to assume that this is normal variance, and not an abnormality. In fact, I very much dislike language such as "genetic condition", because of the "illness" connotations of the word "condition" (although I'm aware that it can also be understood in other ways, closer to conditio humana). 1 hour ago, TTD said: Is asexuality influenced by environmental factors as mentioned in the context section above re: repressive cultures or sexual abuse? Influence can never be excluded, but for me the most convincing argument (at least to encourage people not to worry, if they believe that it might the case for themselves) is: so what? After all, most people who have experienced conservative upbringing don't turn out to be asexual. If it's systemic (living in a generally conservative country) rather than individual (having been raised in a particularly conservative family), any such person can easily make a comparison: most of their peers don't seem to be asexual. On the other hand, I am also strongly opposed to excluding people from being "allowed" to identify as asexual just because there is an identifiable external reason which might have "made them asexual". To present my own case briefly... I suffer from allergy since early childhood, and embarassment over how my skin looks like made me develop an extreme nudity aversion at a yet prepubescent age. This makes sex into something I feel unable to desire. (This is further exacerbated by other factors, such as autism spectrum, which makes me genuinely clueless about how do people form relationships.) But should it change anything about my self-identification? Even if I'm not a "Born This Way asexual", my reactions to a possibility of having sex are those of a strongly sex-averse asexual. Even if it has characteristics of a vicious circle (being so sex-averse that I cannot bear the thought of a potential alternate path of my life in which I could have sex), I have a right to accept myself, to say that I don't want to "reclaim" what I have "lost" due to my nudity aversion, and to prefer being asexual. Realistically speaking... any "exposure therapy" aimed at alleviating my nudity aversion would be pure torture to me, so I reject it, I reject the idea of changing a deeply ingrained part of myself for the sake of being able to experience something I don't want anyway! My own experience therefore makes me very sensitive to exclusion of people who are effectively asexual rather than "genuinely" asexual for no identifiable reason, and to insist that they must be "allowed" to identify as asexual without fear of "making the asexual community look bad". "Allowing" them to identify as asexual is simply about supporting agency. 2 hours ago, TTD said: From what I’ve read on here, is it right to assume someones asexuality is not something that is going to change over time? Right. If it hasn't changed for such a long time, it is extremely unlikely to change at any point. 2 hours ago, TTD said: Is it right to assume there is a continuum within ‘sexual’ people from low to high libido and a seperate continuum for asexuality, which encompasses the sub-types and that these don’t mix? I don't really support creating a separate category for asexuals, although it is further complicated by the fact that asexuals can have a libido too, so there is a lot of diversity among them as well. But sexuality is not an area which can be organised along a single axis. So I don't really believe in a dividing line with only clearly asexual people on one side and only non-asexuals on the other. The boundary is blurry, for example people who experience "attraction without desire" are a distinct phenomenon: regardless of whether it is considered "sexual attraction" or not, they experience some sexual feelings, but don't want to have partnered sex, are often strongly averse to it. Let's say that I'm on the opposite side of the debate than people who say that "zero is not a spectrum!!!!!": even if adjacent phenomena (often termed "graysexuality") are not identical with asexuality, they exist and people with such an experience may relate much more to the asexual experience than to anything else. Does it have much practical meaning? In your case not necessarily. It's very likely that your partner is asexual and to understand it, you don't need to have any opinion on whether there is any clear boundary between asexuality and allosexuality. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 12, 2025 Share Posted March 12, 2025 3 hours ago, TTD said: Questions: Based on the information/story I’ve shared is my partner possibly asexual? If so, what is his likely sub-type? It looks like your partner shares many traits with asexuals but whether he is comfortable with using the label is his choice. Do asexual people of all sub-types ever experience sexual desire for their partners? I wouldn't say so. Sex just doesn't occur to an ace person. Many feel they need to release themselves with self stimulation but this is more due to libido than desiring another person. Using porn and imagination could be a safe space for your partner where they don't have to deal with sensory issues of actual sex. I understand how you feel a contrast from previous relationships in this way because sexual attraction is not important to your current partner. They express their love through affection is would seem from your post. If he is asexual one of the most important things is for us to build an understanding of each others worlds. In context of this, where is the best information to share of my world view and experience as a sexual person? Are there any books or online articles that help paint this comparison? I think you are both exploring the best way by getting to know those parts of one another. I'd email this question to one of the admins who could signpost you to various resources. What is the best way to bring this up constructively with him? As mentioned, we have a solid relationship with strong communication, so I could bring it up if I have some advice on how to do this or other peoples experiences. Though we have also agreed to have couples therapy when we’re back in our home country, which would/could provide an impartial meditator. Again any experiences of this therapy approach in asexual/sexual couples would be useful Perhaps you could both explore this site together? Perhaps another question for the admins? In context of the above question, how else could I encourage him to understand his possible asexuality? I feel if he did this, it would also help him understand me better and what I’ve been asking for, that he is not able to give from a sexual intimacy point of view – which I now recognise is totally fine This is a tricky one because it could make him feel defensive but equally as tough for you because you are putting effort into trying understand your relationship more deeply. From your post, I think that you recognise when he's shutting down and not wanting to talk about things. My go to when direct communication is tough is to write down things together. Things that you love about each other and things to be worked on. Sex can be a tough topic for some folks because it makes them feel uncomfortable so using less sexual language may help with this. Is asexuality a recognised genetic condition, i.e. like homosexuality? Are there any scientific papers anyone could share on this? This is a tough one to answer because there are opposing opinions so not something I can help with. Is asexuality influenced by environmental factors as mentioned in the context section above re: repressive cultures or sexual abuse? It can be a factor in some folks but not all. It's a very individual experience so best to ask your partner to find out their specific take on it? 3 hours ago, TTD said: From what I’ve read on here, is it right to assume someones asexuality is not something that is going to change over time? For me, I'd say the core of it is unlikely to change but the levels of libido and sensory changes very much can change. I think in terms of your partner, comparing how it was then to how it is now can help you see if change has occurred. You mentioned that it had in the sense he is more forthcoming with how he feels which is great and you've come to a level where you know boundaries more than before. Is it right to assume there is a continuum within ‘sexual’ people from low to high libido and a seperate continuum for asexuality, which encompasses the sub-types and that these don’t mix? My understanding of what I've read is yes in the sense that they are understood to be separate spectrums. It can be confusing though depending on what each person understand to be "sexual" or "romantic" for example. I for one love affection and romance very much so but when it starts to go the sexual route, I disassociate. I've written my thoughts below the questions. I do understand the rejection feeling as I was married to someone who was not romantic and I very much am so I felt deeply rejected. This community has really helped me understand myself and my ex and has given me closure on many aspects of my life. I'm sure you and your partner will find a way that works. Best wishes. 🙂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 12, 2025 Share Posted March 12, 2025 (edited) Quote Is asexuality a recognised genetic condition, i.e. like homosexuality? Are there any scientific papers anyone could share on this? I'm low on time so I may return here later but I just wanted to say that there is no evidence that homosexuality is a "genetic condition." There is no such thing as a gay gene. There are issues with the study I've linked (it only looked at people with European heritage) but I think any attempt to locate sexuality in inheritance provides something of a slippery slope for certain troubling arguments with regard to eugenics. If there were an "asexual gene" would it really matter? Edited to add: Quote Based on the information/story I’ve shared is my partner possibly asexual? If so, what is his likely sub-type? Possibly, but that's a question only your partner can answer. Identifying as ace is an intensely personal matter. Quote If he is asexual one of the most important things is for us to build an understanding of each others worlds. In context of this, where is the best information to share of my world view and experience as a sexual person? Are there any books or online articles that help paint this comparison? Unfortunately I don't really have any good suggestions here. There's a severe dearth of resources on asexuality, and most of it is geared toward explaining it to those outside the community (allosexuals) rather than allosexuals providing descriptions of their experiences to us. It's possible something like that exists, but to be honest it's not something I would seek out so I've never encountered it. One thing I would recommend is Julie Sondra Decker's book The Invisible Orientation. It's ten years old now and so out-of-date, but it does have some sections for partners of ace people, and it's one of the better "101 texts" out there, at least that I know of. Edited March 12, 2025 by Guest Added information Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Qiri Posted March 12, 2025 Share Posted March 12, 2025 10 hours ago, TTD said: Based on the information/story I’ve shared is my partner possibly asexual? If so, what is his likely sub-type? Him being asexual does sounds like a possibility. Of course, no one can determine his sexuality for him, but what you've written would be consistent with asexuality. Without further information from him (what's going in his mind, how he feels about things), it's difficult to suggest any micro-labels that may fit him (and whether he would want to use micro-labels; that's up to him as well). 10 hours ago, TTD said: Do asexual people of all sub-types ever experience sexual desire for their partners? Typically, no. That being said, there are some micro-labels under the asexual umbrella where someone could experience sexual desire for a partner. Demisexual or grey-sexual, as a few examples. Demisexual people only experience sexual attraction after a close emotional bond has been established with their partner. Grey-sexual people experience sexual attraction; however, it occurs rarely. It should also be noted that someone can be asexual and still be okay having sex with a partner. They may not desire it themselves, but feel comfortable doing it with someone for the other person's benefit. 10 hours ago, TTD said: If he is asexual one of the most important things is for us to build an understanding of each others worlds. In context of this, where is the best information to share of my world view and experience as a sexual person? Are there any books or online articles that help paint this comparison? I don't have any articles/books that immediately spring to mind, but I think communication is the best approach. Sexual people do not have the same uniform lived experience. And the same for asexual people. What is important for you to share with your partner? What do you want to share; what are the important things you want him to understand about you? (and vice versa) 10 hours ago, TTD said: What is the best way to bring this up constructively with him? As mentioned, we have a solid relationship with strong communication, so I could bring it up if I have some advice on how to do this or other peoples experiences. Though we have also agreed to have couples therapy when we’re back in our home country, which would/could provide an impartial meditator. Again any experiences of this therapy approach in asexual/sexual couples would be useful It's great that you have a strong relationship with good communication; that's a solid foundation to start with. Does he know about asexuality? (I didn't even know asexuality was a real thing until I learned about and realized I was asexual) Perhaps you could start by trying to see what he thinks of asexuality, or find out what he knows about it (if he even knows about it). If he seems receptive to the idea, perhaps you could suggest that it might be something he would be interested in learning about further? 10 hours ago, TTD said: In context of the above question, how else could I encourage him to understand his possible asexuality? I feel if he did this, it would also help him understand me better and what I’ve been asking for, that he is not able to give from a sexual intimacy point of view – which I now recognise is totally fine If he's open to learning about it and wanting to understand himself more, he's welcome to join us here and ask any questions he might have. There are some Reddit communities devoted to discussing asexuality and related topics, but Reddit can be a bit hit or miss (to put it lightly). There are a few wikis that have various articles about asexuality and the micro-labels on the ace spectrum. https://lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/Asexual_Spectrum https://orientation.fandom.com/wiki/Asexual 10 hours ago, TTD said: Is asexuality a recognised genetic condition, i.e. like homosexuality? Are there any scientific papers anyone could share on this? Sexuality is complex; there's no single gene that determines if someone will be gay. It is complicated, likely a result of multiple factors (biology, psychology, lived experience, and so on). And of the biology, it's thought to be polygenic, so potentially thousands of genes could be involved, and the environment may play a role in expression as well. The important take-home message though is that being asexual isn't a choice. Celibacy is a choice, but asexuality is not. It's the same as being gay - people don't actively or consciously choose to be gay or straight, and they can't just decide to be something else. 10 hours ago, TTD said: Is asexuality influenced by environmental factors as mentioned in the context section above re: repressive cultures or sexual abuse? I think environmental factors may play a role in human sexuality, but not in this sense. 10 hours ago, TTD said: From what I’ve read on here, is it right to assume someones asexuality is not something that is going to change over time? Generally correct. Someone may discover that they are demisexual after thinking they are asexual if they later on connect to someone and experience sexual attraction for the first time. Or they might encounter a fictional character in a movie or book and learn they are probably more fictosexual. Or someone may discover that their supposed asexuality was due to a medical issue and they weren't asexual in the first place. So it is possible to "change" in that sense. But if someone is under the asexual umbrella, it is unlikely they are going to change and become a full-blown sexual person in the future. 10 hours ago, TTD said: Is it right to assume there is a continuum within ‘sexual’ people from low to high libido and a seperate continuum for asexuality, which encompasses the sub-types and that these don’t mix? Anyone of any sexuality can fall anywhere on a libido spectrum. Someone who is asexual can have no libido, a low libido, an average libido, or a high libido - this is no different for sexual people, who can also range from having no libido to high libido. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeADreamer Posted March 12, 2025 Share Posted March 12, 2025 12 hours ago, TTD said: Based on the information/story I’ve shared is my partner possibly asexual? If so, what is his likely sub-type? It's possible - but there's not enough information here to identify a possible subtype. All I can say is that I identify with a lot of what you say about him, and I have no subtype - I'm just ace. Do asexual people of all sub-types ever experience sexual desire for their partners? All? No. Some? Yes If he is asexual one of the most important things is for us to build an understanding of each others worlds. In context of this, where is the best information to share of my world view and experience as a sexual person? Are there any books or online articles that help paint this comparison? Not that I know of, but when I was questioning my sexuality, I went to various anonymous forums and asked people to explain what sexual attraction/desire meant for them, and I found that helpful. However, I was seeking that - it might be a totally different story if you're just trying to broach the conversation with someone who might be asexual but doesn't understand the term - and maybe doesn't want to. What is the best way to bring this up constructively with him? As mentioned, we have a solid relationship with strong communication, so I could bring it up if I have some advice on how to do this or other peoples experiences. Though we have also agreed to have couples therapy when we’re back in our home country, which would/could provide an impartial meditator. Again any experiences of this therapy approach in asexual/sexual couples would be useful I don't know the best way, nor am I a therapist, but if he says he's not asexual, I'd avoid using that word. Instead, it might be more helpful to explain that hey, I'm noticing some differences in our sexual motivation, and I think it's related to desire (or attraction). Can we talk about that? You might be able to have the conversation you need to have even if he chooses not to identify as asexual. In context of the above question, how else could I encourage him to understand his possible asexuality? I feel if he did this, it would also help him understand me better and what I’ve been asking for, that he is not able to give from a sexual intimacy point of view – which I now recognise is totally fine Above response - avoid using the word "asexual" if he says he's not. He either probably doesn't fully understand the word or has other reasons for not wanting to use it, and trying to "force" (sorry, just for lack of a better word) the terminology onto him probably won't result in a productive conversation. Is asexuality a recognised genetic condition, i.e. like homosexuality? Are there any scientific papers anyone could share on this? Probably Is asexuality influenced by environmental factors as mentioned in the context section above re: repressive cultures or sexual abuse? It could be, but there's no way to isolate each variable to determine whether this is the case. I grew up in a repressive household... but so did my siblings, and neither of them are ace. From what I’ve read on here, is it right to assume someones asexuality is not something that is going to change over time? You're definitely better off assuming it won't change. That doesn't mean it never will - but don't bet on it. It's best to assume that it won't change, especially considering that you've already been together for 12 years. Is it right to assume there is a continuum within ‘sexual’ people from low to high libido and a seperate continuum for asexuality, which encompasses the sub-types and that these don’t mix? Yes. However, ace people may or may not also have libidos - they just generally have no direction. I think this video explains that concept very well, although he doesn't use libido as an example: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olallieberry Posted March 13, 2025 Share Posted March 13, 2025 16 hours ago, TTD said: I hope to find whether he is indeed asexual, how best to broach it with him to then build a path forward together. It sounds like you already have a good idea of what's going on. You aren't going to learn definitively if he's asexual from us. While it is great that learning about asexuality has given you a perspective you feel good about, it might not be important whether you get him to say if he's asexual or not. What's most important, more than a label, is to just talk clearly about what's happening between you two. You want something he doesn't seem to be able to provide. The label is the least important part of figuring this out. As far as the question "how best to broach it" goes: there's no best way, and the way you broach it isn't going to make a lot of difference as far as your path forward. Neither is his answer. Go ahead and ask, but, don't attach high stakes to it. It's just one casual data point to ask for, in this entire, much larger discussion. Maybe he'll identify with it, maybe he won't. Either way, the situation will be what it is. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
everywhere and nowhere Posted March 13, 2025 Share Posted March 13, 2025 (Sorry for a technical offtopic, but I need this piece of information...) @BeADreamer - how to do a two-tier bullet list on this forum, like the one you did? Many times I have needed it, but I have no idea how it's done... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeADreamer Posted March 14, 2025 Share Posted March 14, 2025 5 hours ago, everywhere and nowhere said: (Sorry for a technical offtopic, but I need this piece of information...) @BeADreamer - how to do a two-tier bullet list on this forum, like the one you did? Many times I have needed it, but I have no idea how it's done... Honestly I just typed into the quote with the formatting that the OP already had, but... lets play around a little. Ok, so I tapped on the bullet point icon Then pressed "enter" and then "tab" And if you repeat "enter" and "tab", you get this third tier And it seems this is the last one Press enter twice to revert back to the previous bullet type Like so Hope that helps 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TTD Posted March 14, 2025 Author Share Posted March 14, 2025 Hello again and thank you to everyone who has posted replies, thoughts, comments and provided additional context an/or reading/watching Your answers have all been very enlightening and thought provoking. A few comments in reply: I didn't mean to offed anyone with my question around genetic disposition, I understand this is very reductive and am grateful to of had this bought to my attention as I go forward It resonates deeply from many replies that the labels are not important, more the conversation and where we end up as part of the process of sharing and learning about each other. In a serendipitous moment, we went out for some drinks last night and met a young lady who was in a polyamorous relationship. I had thought that a possible way forward for my partner, noting that this is not something I'd planned to discuss until we'd gone through thoughts and feelings in context of the above, could be as a monogamous thruple or polyamorous relationship. His reaction to what was shared by the young lady was that he would find this kind of setup very stressful, due to inherently finding relationship and intimacy as a topic very stressful and acknowledging the additional (potentially) deeper level of communication required when more people are involved. It was an interesting evening, we got home quite drunk and woke up this morning and he'd relieved himself in the middle of the night. I know this because he always wears underwear in bed and when I spooned him this morning he was nude. All of this is obviously totally fine in context of what I'm finding out. However on the other hand, exacerbated by a future potential solution not being viable, I'm feeling deeply alone, sad and confused about the path forward.... Anyway, thank you again for all the time taking to respond, I'm extremely grateful and knowing there is some support here means a lot....come what may. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TTD Posted March 20, 2025 Author Share Posted March 20, 2025 Hello again everyone. A quick update to; provide context on how things are progressing in communication with my partner, and that would be great to get any thoughts on. Thanks as before in advance to stick with this thread, your time and thoughts are continuing to provide much reflection for us both My partner and I ended up talking about me starting this thread on AVEN. He wanted to read through it himself, which he then did. It's been quite a rollercoaster for us both over the last few days. Some points I would appreciate any reflections on; Reading what I wrote he stated that it was a summary of everything he's heard from me before. Some things he felt were slightly misrepresented but all in all a fair representation of the status quo. He was taken aback by people suggesting he was asexual, which I reiterated again as per the threads, that the word itself was not important but the feedback on what we have been going through as individuals and it our relationship was valid and required further investigation, mainly on my part, which led to my post on AVEN. I was worried he would feel judged, but he reassured me I had done nothing wrong - he saw this act as a component if me trying to proactively find a resolution to my sense of unhappiness over the last 18-24 months Ultimately nothing for him changes (his words), he is quite a-emotional in general, i.e. in 12 years I have yet to see him cry. Reading over all the content on here and genuinely realising the differences that exist between us all as human beings, I see this more as just who he is and the realistic differences between two people. He doesn't believe he is asexual, even based on all the feedback given and in context of agreeing my summary was accurate. But as stated by many on here, that identification is not important...if I've understood everyone correctly A specific period of time in his life, which he questioned in context of not being asexual was when he moved to London for a few years in his mid-twenties, and was a self confessed sexual player. Trying every size, taste and colour available. This is something he believes an asexual identifying person would not do. Though noting he had mentioned he never enjoyed sex until he met me, and then still took time to find a groove between us I would like to understand whether there is any links between autism and asexuality or other types of neurodiversity, or is this just as per general population presentation statistics, i.e. no correlation? He also felt the feedback would 'obviously' (his words) be biased based on posting on AVEN, therefore in his head has taken any affirmative classification towards asexuality based on his presentation, as written by me. Again, for me this is less important beyond the willingness for him to have read it, and digested it to whatever degree, in the first place. The biggest benefit, that I was able to succinctly articulate how I felt, as well as fairly represent his behaviours and feelings The most important part for me is that after a couple of years of going bonkers and causing a lot of stress for us as a couple, I have some answers that help me better understand who he is. This thread gave me the push to employ genuine Radical Empathy, which released a flood of emotions by putting myself in someone else's shoes completely for the first time in my life. I finally believed, all the things he has told me over the years as mentioned in the original post were true. I've suggested to him that employing this same radical empathy route from him to me, could be helpful to better understand my perspective. Due to his more a-emotional standing, I don't think he will or perhaps could do this, which is totally fine. In our conversation we both recognised that on one level we can't be exactly the person the other wants us to be; for me a more emotional connected sexual relationship, for him a partner where this is not required. In this discussion we discussed a polyamourous possibility in the future, where if I met someone I had feelings for and was open with this with him, he would be comfortable me exploring that. Noting it may present risks in itself. Not something I will ever be actively looking for more if it ever crossed our/my path(s), but that level of openness and willingness to make our relationship the healthiest it can be, is amazing. The amount of cognitive space that has been off-loaded for me is immense. I suppose I'd hoped for a eureka moment from him, but that didn't happen, which is fine. After 12 years together, we still have great hanky-panky (which we did a couple of days ago, which was a relief for me to be honest) and an incredible partnership where we can talk everything through. We've decided to get a civil partnership sorted when we get back to our home country, something we've been discussing for legal reasons for a while anyway. But for me this act is also, in a small way, about acknowledging that we accept each other for who we are and we will always find a way through together. A commitment to continue being curios about each other and open to the natural changes of life. My partner is a pretty unshakable person, following a Stoics approach to life. I follow a secular buddhist practice via the Middle-Way and Insight approach and daily meditation. These things too I believe have helped us realise, the ego is not involved, just more about listening, learning, unconditionally loving each other and to find the path of least resistance forward. This thread has been life-changing for me so I want to thank everyone again. The negative and self-destructive loop I've been in has finally broken. Will it rise again, probably...but with your reflections and feedback I have the keys to cut it shorter and shorter until it's merely a passing blip in my mind. For this I am and always will be hugely grateful. Final question: Based on everything stated in the original replies as well as additional thoughts here, am I best to assume to not bring things up in relation to his sexual orientation moving forward? Being that I have found the circuit break and information I need, and that his individual identification is therefore not important? Thank you in advance for any further reflections from this latest post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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