Challenges of Allo / Ace long-term relationships, coupled with the challenges of parenting.

[Olallieberry]

On 9/21/2025 at 11:23 PM, blaigorn said:

We actually started talking about divorce a bit more openly

 

11 hours ago, Gecko1 said:

We just started this discussion too. It’s definitely hard, but also a relief to start talking about it. 

 

"We" (my we) also talked about it, at a hypothetical level. Not like a "we should do this" or "this is what one of us wants" type of level, more just a "what if we had to" level.

 

Even though it wasn't pressing or imminent or tangible, there still was something of a relief to it. It was kind of: Even though neither of us expect or want to wind up there, knowing that we can talk about it without people getting triggered and overreacting and reflexively lawyering up all over the place is a comfort.

[blaigorn]

Not really much to add since the last time I updated. We seem to get even less time for us together, a mix of lack of time, exhaustion and lack of support from family, within a new school for our son to adapt to. I think there's also a lack of motivation from either side. I feel we are waiting for "better days" to resume working on our relationship. I start to doubt better days will come, but I do acknowledge that, for the past 2 months, it has been rough. So I want to give it the benefit of doubt.

 

One thing I do want to share is what my therapist helped me realize, which helped put things in perspective.

 

My therapist asked me if I had the chance to talk logistics/hypotheticals about opening up with my wife (she knew for her it was a complete no). I told my therapist that yes, we talked about it, and that for my wife it was almost repugnant, that she wouldn't be able to bear knowing I was with someone else, that we'd have to lie about it to our son about what his father was doing, and that she would be completely alone keeping it a secret, not being able to talk to anyone about it, and living in fear of being "found out" and judged for this lifestyle.

 

My therapist asked me if I could find a parallel in there with my own situation: I decided to sacrifice my sexual self, living an unhappy and unfulfilled life, and also have no one I can talk to regarding this. I've accepted to do that for the last 10+ years, giving myself up completely for the sake of my wife. And she's not even willing to try an hypothetical that she thinks might bring her similar distress to her (or not).

 

My therapist clarified she's not saying that my wife should try opening up, but that she has the self-love and clarity of putting a boundary on something that she doesn't want to do, even at the expense of a potential separation as a result of it. And that I lived 10+ years in that place of self-sacrifice, which would be okay if I felt happy/accomplished about it. But that I clearly do not.

 

It made me cry, because I do empathize with my wife not wanting to try ENM if it's something she perceives as bad for her. Because I know what it is like to being in a similar place, I don't want her to be in that place. It was the first time I truly understood the extent of the place I've been to, as sacrifice for our relationship.

 

That does make me want to change things. Latest attempts to a compromise felt so little that celibacy seems no different. If ENM is completely out, the logical step is start discussing a divorce more seriously. It's something that still scares me though, it seems so definitive and a defeat, that affects not only me but my family.

[Russel V]

I can only offer empathy here blaigorn. I've spent 20+ years in a relationship similar to what you described and I just feel tired of it - exhausted. Especially now as we consider the next phase of life where we dial down our careers - I want to go into that time feeling happy. And there are still SO MANY reasons to stay together. We enjoy one another, we make each other laugh, we have meaningful conversations, and we've built a family together that includes kids and grandkids. Just by luck, they all work in town so we have big family gatherings together. I love all of that and I'm also scared of how divorce would affect the family. What unintended consequences will ripple through their lives? I love them and right or wrong, that weighs into my decisions. We're still working on option 2 of the "big four" because none of the other three seem viable yet. That could change though. 

[Olallieberry]

4 hours ago, blaigorn said:

I think there's also a lack of motivation from either side. I feel we are waiting for "better days" to resume working on our relationship

Very understandable. In the multiple years of progress-and-stasis we've been through, the winter season is when the least happens and spring/summer is when people have more energetic capacity for change.

 

It's OK to rest until something wants to germinate.

[Olallieberry]

4 hours ago, blaigorn said:

that affects not only me but my family.

Everything affects your family, including the unhappy condition you've been enduring and might anticipate enduring even longer.

 

The breakthrough sounds great. Do you have any thoughts one way or the other about showing your wife the parallel your therapist pointed out to you?

[blaigorn]

57 minutes ago, Olallieberry said:

Do you have any thoughts one way or the other about showing your wife the parallel your therapist pointed out to you?

My current thought is not to focus on the parallel, but on the feeling of the current situation (celibacy or a poor compromise) not being sustainable. I don't want her to feel guilty and end up trying something she doesn't want to. I do see how, while there's certainly a parallel, regarding the will to try something outside of our comfort zone, a path that's tread mostly alone, in the name of sacrifice to keep a relationship, still it's not exactly the same. We'd end up fighting over how the two situations aren't comparable, instead of focusing why they are comparable.

 

 

 

 

[Gecko1]

22 hours ago, blaigorn said:

that for my wife it was almost repugnant, that she wouldn't be able to bear knowing I was with someone else, that we'd have to lie about it to our son about what his father was doing, and that she would be completely alone keeping it a secret, not being able to talk to anyone about it, and living in fear of being "found out" and judged for this lifestyle.

I feel like I could have written this. 
 

I’m glad you were able to see the parallels in the potential/actual sacrifices. This is one of the reasons I became certain pretty early on in this asexual realization journey that we were going to end up divorced eventually. I sacrificed for most of our marriage by having sex I didn’t want, then gave in to ENM when even the prospect of celibacy seemed unbearable to him. I respect that he had the self-love to know what he wanted and to ask for it, but I’m tired of being the one constantly sacrificing for this marriage.

 

It’s good to have boundaries and self-love. Even if that means that hard decisions need to be made.

[blaigorn]

On 10/16/2025 at 4:09 PM, Gecko1 said:

I’m glad you were able to see the parallels in the potential/actual sacrifices. This is one of the reasons I became certain pretty early on in this asexual realization journey that we were going to end up divorced eventually. I sacrificed for most of our marriage by having sex I didn’t want, then gave in to ENM when even the prospect of celibacy seemed unbearable to him. I respect that he had the self-love to know what he wanted and to ask for it, but I’m tired of being the one constantly sacrificing for this marriage.

 

It’s good to have boundaries and self-love. Even if that means that hard decisions need to be made.

This puts things in perspective so much. I cannot thank you enough for sharing your experience. It stops being an issue about asexuality (and allosexuality by opposition) but an issue about compatibility, about differences that are not reconcilable without causing profound hurt and damage.

[Gecko1]

I’m glad it was helpful! I hesitated to post at first because I don’t want to make everything about myself. lol