Am I a gray asexual?

[sunkissed]

I am an eighteen year old female, who identifies as a heteroromantic asexual with an aesthetic attraction to both males and females - I wonder, if I am not a gray asexual though.

I am a virgin, and have never had sex with anyone, but I am able to get physically aroused, (get wet down there) and every time, that I do, I masturbate to orgasm, which I enjoy. Sometimes, I am also drawn to pornography, where females play the main role - they arouse me, they make me wet, I enjoy looking at them, I usually watch it while masturbating. I have never felt sexual attraction to anyone, and to tell you the truth, when I read comments describing sexual attraction under posts on forums, it sounds to me like something non existent, I cannot imagine it, understand it, or wrap my head around it, I am really confused by it. I do feel aesthetic attraction to both males and females, and generally consider people to be beautiful creatures, but it has never been anything deeper for me. A handsome, shirtless male? Gorgeous. A pretty female with an attractive chest (I am attracted to female chests)? Gorgeous. But that is it, I look at someone, find them attractive and aesthetically pleasing, and then go on with my day, without feeling any sexual feelings towards them.

I am really torn, when it comes to my sexual feelings, because sometimes I think, that sex does not appeal to me at all, and sometimes I think, that if someone loved me, treated me with respect, and respected my boundaries, I would want them to finger me or give me oral sex, because I think, that that would be nice. In fact, I am only “attracted” to these two types of sex, and only and exclusively if I was the one receiving them, any other type of sex repulses me, and I am disgusted by doing anything to a male, I simply would not feel comfortable with it. But on the other hand, I would not wanna take my clothes off in front of anyone, and I would not want anyone to ever see my naked body, because I feel disgusting and unattractive, (I have body image issues) so I feel like those two things are mutually exclusive, but oh well, I feel both at the same time, if that makes any sense.

Until I was seventeen I thought, that I was straight, from seventeen to eighteen I thought, that I was asexual, right now I wonder, if I am not gray asexual, and to be honest, all these doubts cause me a lotta distress. At this point, I have no idea who I am, and what I want or do not want, because my approach to sex is so full of contradictions, that I literally start to be scared of myself, and I feel like there is something wrong with my head, like I am crazy. I wish, that it was clear to me, that I am either straight, or have any other sexual orientation, and have sexual fantasies, feelings, desires, dreams, and needs, feel sexual attraction to other people and arousal, and am sexually active, or I am asexual, and do not have sexual fantasies, feelings, desires, dreams, and needs, do not feel sexual attraction to other people and arousal, and am not sexually active, because right now my messed up mind makes me feel like I am somewhere in the middle, and I feel so confused about it, that I wonder, if it is normal. I am not sure, I just think, that sexuality should be simple, either I feel something or I do not, but in my case it is really complicated, and I literally feel like I, as a person, am not attracted to sex at all, while my mind is somehow obsessed with it, which makes absolutely no sense to me.

Is there anyone here, who can relate to anything, that I have written, and who could guide me as to how I should label myself, and whether it is actually gray asexuality, or something else entirely? I would be really grateful for any help! I wanted to share my feelings here in the hopes, that the asexual community might be able to understand what I am going through, so if you read to the end, thank you so much!

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hey @sunkissed. You can't rush these things, especially that the things you don't know .. we can't know them for you. But you also don't need to stress over it - I know easier said than done, but you just need to follow what you want and once you feel you understand yourself better you can feel stronger about a label. Though nothing stops you from using graysexual until you'd feel something better would fit. I didn't label myself until quite late in my twenties as graysexual. I needed experiences to realize what it meant for me and to see that sex isn't important to me even if I can experience some amount of desires at times. And considering I have trouble matching someone sexual, it makes sense to take it further than just a label and want to be in a relationship where sex isn't expected. Honestly the label doesn't even matter to me, it's more about going about things how I want that matters.

 

Hope the community can help you along the way 🍰

[SilenceRadio]

On 3/9/2025 at 7:31 PM, sunkissed said:

I wish, that it was clear to me, that I am either straight, or have any other sexual orientation, and have sexual fantasies, feelings, desires, dreams, and needs, feel sexual attraction to other people and arousal, and am sexually active, or I am asexual, and do not have sexual fantasies, feelings, desires, dreams, and needs, do not feel sexual attraction to other people and arousal, and am not sexually active, because right now my messed up mind makes me feel like I am somewhere in the middle, and I feel so confused about it, that I wonder, if it is normal.

It's normal. We can't expect four simple boxes to perfectly encapsulate everyone's experience with sexuality, after all.

 

I understand all too well thinking of "asexual" as a strict term where you need to have zero sexual feelings whatsoever in order for it to make sense. I don't know what I can do to break you out of that mindset, as I don't think I've entirely left it myself, other than tell you that a lot of aces have a "theoretical" interest in sex—the notes of this post are the best examples of it. One of them even mentions the asexual manifesto from the 70s that defines asexuality as "self-contained sexuality." The conceptualization of asexuality as a kind of sexuality that does not require a partner (or even oneself) is not unheard of, and it's one that you can choose over a conceptualization of asexuality as an absence of sexuality.

 

I think it's easy to see "asexual" and first think of someone who is simply disinterested, but that doesn't mean there can't be any activeness to it for some—the same applies to "agender" too. Words are meant for people, not people meant for the words, that sort of thing.

 

On 3/9/2025 at 7:31 PM, sunkissed said:

At this point, I have no idea who I am, and what I want or do not want, because my approach to sex is so full of contradictions [...] I am not sure, I just think, that sexuality should be simple, either I feel something or I do not, but in my case it is really complicated, and I literally feel like I, as a person, am not attracted to sex at all, while my mind is somehow obsessed with it, which makes absolutely no sense to me.

I don't think sexuality is black-and-white nor simple. Some people (past me included) want it to be to make things easier but that doesn't make their simplification an accurate representation of the truth. That's what the gray area is for, after all. It's not either you feel something or you don't. Someone might feel something that seems like what everyone is talking about but they're not as sure. Or it really depends on where you draw the lines—and usually where you do is arbitrary and changes from person to person. That can make things unclear and foggy.

 

Though knowing it's not black-and-white is not the same as intuitively understanding it, so I'd recommend checking a couple of links about grayness if you're interested in knowing more.

 

As for the obsession, I get it. Even though I wasn't (and still am not) interested in having sex myself, I could be pretty invested in sexual stuff when it came to fiction. I don't think there's anything wrong with being like that, though I feel like I'm currently moving away from this mindspace (or at least it's becoming a lot less personal). For you, it might subside in later years too or it might not.

 

On 3/9/2025 at 7:31 PM, sunkissed said:

In fact, I am only “attracted” to these two types of sex, and only and exclusively if I was the one receiving them, any other type of sex repulses me

Have you heard of the term "stone butch"? While "stone" is mostly associated with butches, some have argued that its use can be broader. "Stone" & "paper" are words for monodirectional sexual preferences. I mostly know about "paper" thanks to Cor who helped popularize it (and co talks about it in cos paper & paper mache tags). I'm not sure if it's of any relevance to you, but I know that knowing it was an option was very useful.

 

On 3/9/2025 at 7:31 PM, sunkissed said:

Is there anyone here [...] who could guide me as to how I should label myself, and whether it is actually gray asexuality, or something else entirely?

It's less a matter of how you "should" identify and more how you want to, what makes more sense to you personally, is most useful to you. There's "ace" who covers the whole asexual umbrella if you're unsure as to whether you prefer "asexual" or "gray-asexual." Gray-asexuality definitely feels broader in scope, and might feel more comfortable if you have doubts. Nevertheless you can still conceptualize your experience as asexuality if you want to. I know some asexual people who feel like they couldn't relate to "not wanting to have sex" definitions because they would understate how sex-averse they were, and what got them to understand they were asexual was that they weren't interested in having sex themselves, even if they might be interested on a theoretical level.

[confusedcatboy]

I recently came back around to questioning my sexuality due to circumstances I won't talk about here (it's on my page tho), and I just wanna say I really relate to everything you said. I'm 23, a virgin, and identified as ace from age 12-18. I've always had some kind of libido or inclination towards fantasy, but I never really felt a drive to act on it with another person. I have body image issues as well as gender dysphoria, so the idea of being naked in front of anyone, let alone having them touch me sexually, repulses me greatly. I do enjoy being flirtatious with strangers online, and it is arousing. I do think sometimes that maybe if I were more comfortable in my body, and had someone I felt 100% safe with, I may explore sex with them. But honestly to me, it feels less like "wow i want a sexual relationship" and more like... I'm lonely and getting a bit bored of self-stimulation, so having someone do it for me would be.. nice?

 

I found the term aegosexual the other day and I do relate to it, in that there is some kind of disconnect between me and any subject of arousal, or any attraction I do feel. In order to flirt with people online, I put on a persona. I don't share my body or anything, it's all words. I just can't really see my real self being sexual - not just my real body, but who I am as a whole person. Sex kinda just feels like something that would be fun in theory, under the right circumstances, but is too much work to actually pursue. So.. all that said, I'm kinda in the same boat of being distressed and confused. Today I realized that trying to figure it all out, while understandable, is a big part of where that distress is coming from.

 

So. I think for me, I'm settling on graysexual and sex-ambivalent. I never related to my peers on sexuality, and couldn't understand why they felt the way they did about it. I feel very confused trying to figure out what sexual attraction even is, and how it's different from desire. And yea, maybe if I am with someone I feel close to/safe with, I may have sex someday. But that'd probably leave me on the asexual spectrum anyway as a demisexual. So... graysexual is a good catch all for those of us who aren't too clear on this kinda thing and, I don't think you'd be doing anything wrong if you chose that label for yourself. We don't need to be perfect about this. It's okay to meet ourselves where we're at