Desperate wife needs help

[Desperate]

Took me a while to find this website. I am writing out of desperation... I am a 59 years old woman. Always enjoyed sex in previous relationships.  I feel like I have been robbed of the last 18 years of my life, and misled by lies. Met my partner when I was 38, two years of reasonable sexual activity although not frequent enough for me, but still adequate enough for me not to be frustrated. Then our son was born. Basically sex life slowly came down, initially would have sex only on vacation, then not at all for past several years. We discussed it to death: first he was denying there was any problem, then acting like I was too demanding, then telling me I had a distorted view of what normal was... until I found out he was, behind my back, watching porn and masturbating without sharing with me, all while refusing to have sex with me. He kept telling me that he WAS attracted to me, that he really wanted to have sex but was too stressed about everything else, that he had performance anxiety, all of which I listened to with kind understanding and tried to find out what I could do to help him with all those issues. We consulted therapists no less than 3 times, last one for over a year and a half. Therapist would give him exercises, then he would do none of it and come up with an excuse and rationalization about it. I believe he is asexual and is in denial, as he has admitted to me he feels completely happy like this and does not feel something is missing. He is sincerely sad about my situation, but that doesn't change his behaviour, nor does he attempt to be more tactile. Over the past 18 years, I have felt rejected and unwanted, unattractive, not worthy, it killed my self-confidence, my self-esteem, I fell into depression... going through menopause only made everything worse. I stayed for our son, and the fact that, believe it or not, we otherwise have a great relationship and I have never met someone who is such a perfect fit for me on every single other aspect, except this one. I have tried to focus on gratitude for having an amazing son, and an amazing life partner, but I have been lying to myself that I could do this.... and now I am going to be 60 and it feels like all my chances are gone. I think I need to find someone else to fill that need, even if my chances are probably zero at my age.... but it would basically destroy the rest of positive things in my life and my son's life for us to separate. In therapy, we have talked about having an open relationship, but he expressed he wouldn't feel ok with it !!! HELP !!! What have others done in this situation, what has worked ? I cannot keep this up, my physical and mental health are at stake.

[Ceebs]

Welcome, and I'm sorry you're in this situation... but glad you found AVEN, as there are many stories here of people in your and your husband's position. Hopefully that helps you feel less alone, at least.
 

This is one of those relatively impossible situations, in that everyone's ideals will never be met. Your husband is very unlikely to change -- and if he's asexual he can't change, it's just who he is. You're unlikely to change and just stop caring about sexual intimacy; you are who you are as well. I can tell from the things you've written how much pain the situation has caused you and how it's seriously affected your mental health, and that's never something to take lightly and dismiss. Other than you continuing to suck it up and be miserable, realistically your options are finding another sexual partner with or without your husband's knowledge (the latter obviously not being a good choice for various ethical and practical reasons), or ending your marriage. Your husband is not on board with an open marriage at this point, and I suppose you can keep trying to slowly work towards that option, but of course he shouldn't be pressured repeatedly to accept something he's not actually comfortable with.

 

Almost 60 isn't too late to find someone else who'll desire you and express their feelings in the way you need a partner to, but yes, it will involve the loss of your family structure exactly as it is right now. Which could be worth it, but certainly not an easy choice to make.

 

There's no simple answer, unfortunately. Perhaps reading others' stories in the Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies section will give you some food for thought. There are people here who've stayed together, people who've split up, and people who are navigating open relationships.

 

Again, welcome. 

[Liara]

Nothing will change if you don’t do the change yourself. Your husband is comfortable and will never change anything. I don’t know how old is your son but I’m sure he wants his mother happy. And you will never be happy if you don’t listen to your needs. Believe me, I know how it is, after 25 years in a totally sexless relationship.

The change will be difficult and heartbreaking… but you will be able to be yourself again.

[uhtred]

@Desperate I'm very sorry you are in this situation.  You will find many people here (including myself) in similar situations,  in badly sexually mismatched relationships.   Its a very difficult situation, and often there are no good answers.  This sort of situation seems even worse when the partner who doesn't want sex, is masturbating, watching porn etc, because for many sexual people those actions seem so close to partnered sex that the rejection feels much worse.

 

He probably doesn't understand just how miserable / depressing being constantly rejected by your partner is - but many of us here have experienced that

 

I generally avoid worrying about labels, or right / wrong. There is nothing wrong with his sexuality, but there is also nothing wrong with your wanting / needing / desiring sex as part of a romantic relationship. Its a major incompatibility and its been very hard on you.   Neither of you is likely to change, so your options are limited:

 

Compromise - if one is possible, but it seems that the gap is too wide for that to work in your case and a compromise will just make you both unhappy.

 

Sex outside of marriage: For some couples an open relationship works, but both have to be comfortable with it, and the sexual person needs to be happy with "sex" as opposed to "sex with their relationship partner". 

 

Leave.  I know 60 seems old, but 80 will seem even older.

 

 

 

[Frameshift07]

You know, this website isn't just for sexual people looking for answers, it's also a good place for ace people to connect with others like themselves and escape the oppression of living in a world that's punishing for people who aren't heterosexual. It's not your place to decide if he's ace or not, but you could probably both find out if you share resources (like this site) with him. If he's at ease with the possibility of being ace, that'd probably make discussing the relationship with him easier.

[Confusionreigns]

I have read Uhtred's wise thoughts and appreciate his long time pain.  My asexual partner of 47 years realized that she is best described as asexual five years ago.  I am 71 but believe that I am reasonably fit and certainly wish to be sexual with someone!  Never want to leave her...but she just doesn't like sex.   When I try to suggest sex to her with no words but just physical sexual contact, that's when she really gets that creepy feeling and pulls away.  

 

I know that AVEN is absolutely not a dating site.  But I wonder if there could be a dating site which might team up sexual wives of an asexual husband with the sexual husband of an asexual wife.

[Traveler40]

On 2/12/2025 at 7:13 AM, uhtred said:

Sex outside of marriage: For some couples an open relationship works, but both have to be comfortable with it, and the sexual person needs to be happy with "sex" as opposed to "sex with their relationship partner". 

So these days, I rarely have anything to say unless it originates with you. 🙄

 

Again, this is a fail in my mind. Why? Because I have sex with my relationship partner who isn’t my husband. I never quite understand how this subject gets defined simply and only by one’s own experience.
 

Please try and understand there’s a broader world out there living perfectly well in a situation that is very clearly foreign to how you perceive it to be. 

 

18 hours ago, Confusionreigns said:

I know that AVEN is absolutely not a dating site.  But I wonder if there could be a dating site which might team up sexual wives of an asexual husband with the sexual husband of an asexual wife.

This thought is one I’ve read frequently on AVEN and even had myself at one time. The only question I have from where I sit today is, “Why limit yourself?” There is a vast world out there and the goal should be the person who best matches your needs, not simply one who’s in a perceived situation. 
 

That is….if you hope for longer term success.
 

As to the OP, I feel for you as I’ve been exactly where you are. While it may feel hopeless, it’s not. Work a solution. You may end up apart or not, but you both need to try or nothing will improve.
 

My husband would have never changed, so I didn’t give him that choice. I felt the balance of my life depended on it and living a half-life was not alright. He limited my options by default and I did the same to him by choice.
 

Once presented with his options, he made the uncomfortable, yet brave decision to allow me to meet my sexuality where it was at. After 8 years, I do not believe he regrets it, but he had to let it play out to see it. That’s where his courage has been.

[Frameshift07]

6 hours ago, Confusionreigns said:

When I try to suggest sex to her with no words but just physical sexual contact, that's when she really gets that creepy feeling and pulls away.  

The sexual part is probably the bit she doesn't like.

 

2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

On 2/12/2025 at 3:13 PM, uhtred said:

Sex outside of marriage: For some couples an open relationship works, but both have to be comfortable with it, and the sexual person needs to be happy with "sex" as opposed to "sex with their relationship partner". 

So these days, I rarely have anything to say unless it originates with you. 🙄

 

Again, this is a fail in my mind. Why? Because I have sex with my relationship partner who isn’t my husband. I never quite understand how this subject gets defined simply and only by one’s own experience.
 

Please try and understand there’s a broader world out there living perfectly well in a situation that is very clearly foreign to how you perceive it to be. 

I understand "the sexual person needs to be happy with 'sex' as opposed to 'sex with relationship partner'" bit, but I don't understand your objection.

[uhtred]

3 hours ago, Frameshift07 said:

The sexual part is probably the bit she doesn't like.

 

I understand "the sexual person needs to be happy with 'sex' as opposed to 'sex with relationship partner'" bit, but I don't understand your objection.

 

5 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

So these days, I rarely have anything to say unless it originates with you. 🙄

 

Again, this is a fail in my mind. Why? Because I have sex with my relationship partner who isn’t my husband. I never quite understand how this subject gets defined simply and only by one’s own experience.
 

Please try and understand there’s a broader world out there living perfectly well in a situation that is very clearly foreign to how you perceive it to be. 
 

This thought is one I’ve read frequently on AVEN and even had myself at one time. The only question I have from where I sit today is, “Why limit yourself?” There is a vast world out there and the goal should be the person who best matches your needs, not simply one who’s in a perceived situation. 
 

That is….if you hope for longer term success.
 

As to the OP, I feel for you as I’ve been exactly where you are. While it may feel hopeless, it’s not. Work a solution. You may end up apart or not, but you both need to try or nothing will improve.
 

My husband would have never changed, so I didn’t give him that choice. I felt the balance of my life depended on it and living a half-life was not alright. He limited my options by default and I did the same to him by choice.
 

Once presented with his options, he made the uncomfortable, yet brave decision to allow me to meet my sexuality where it was at. After 8 years, I do not believe he regrets it, but he had to let it play out to see it. That’s where his courage has been.

I'm a little confused about what comments refer to which posts. 

 

In case the replies were to me, I need to try to break down what I'm saying more clearly:

 

For an open relationship to work, both people need to be happy with it. One part of that is that the outside sexual relationship needs to meet the needs of the sexual person, or it won't make them happy.   The "needs" of sexual people vary,  some just enjoy sex, others only enjoy sex in the context of a romantic  relationship, for some sex is the thing that distinguishes friendship from romance.   Lots of different people who have different feelings.

 

In the case where the sexual person needs sex in a romantic relationship, then for an open relationship to work, they need to be able to have multiple romantic relationship because otherwise they can't maintain their original romantic relationship. Some people can do that, some can't. (not going to make any claims as to the relative numbers).    

 

I don't know any better way to draw this out than with a logic diagram. Basically different people feel differently about sex and romance, and some combinations of feelings do not allow open relationships to work, while others do.   Only the people themselves can (maybe) know their feelings about this. 

 

There seems to be a long term misunderstanding between myself and @Traveler40. I can't put it any more simply than:   I believe that an open relationship works for them.  I also know it will not work for me.  From that I conclude that it will work for some couples and not for others.   Then I try to indicate the sorts of things that would make it not work for me (my romantic feelings are exclusive, and I don't want sex without romance), so that other people can consider how they feel about sex and romance to see if it would work for them. 

 

[Olallieberry]

4 hours ago, Frameshift07 said:

I understand "the sexual person needs to be happy with 'sex' as opposed to 'sex with relationship partner'" bit, but I don't understand your objection.

The objection was to ignoring the possibility of having a relationship partner one has sex with, while still in the original relationship.

 

Casual-sex isn’t the only way Option 3 can look.

[Traveler40]

8 hours ago, uhtred said:

Then I try to indicate the sorts of things that would make it not work for me (my romantic feelings are exclusive, and I don't want sex without romance)

Right, and I counter with: I feel the same way, yet it works for me. Shocking, I know. 🙄

 

My point continues to be that how YOU feel should not direct the possible outcomes of others. Two people can feel similarly, take different routes and have different outcomes. 

[Traveler40]

@anisotrophic and I had a long term misunderstanding back in the day. They kept saying that it was crucial for my husband to acknowledge and own his sexuality. 
 

I repeatedly disagreed and couldn’t get it across that it did not matter as the result was the same to me - admitting to being ace or not was of no material difference to my life.

 

We went around and around on it across many months and it felt invalidating. Eventually, they saw my point and, I believe, embraced the understanding full stop. 
 

My hope is that the same outcome can happen here. I never give up hope. 🤣

 

(and I miss @anisotrophic! I hope all is well with them and their family. They were such a huge part of my greater understanding of many aspects of mixed relationships.)

 

EDIT: And I hope they stopped killing the poor goldfish! Hahaha 

[Olallieberry]

Sometimes people get thoughts and feelings confused.

 

They'll say "I feel like..." and then express a thought. They'll say "I think..." and then express a feeling.