My wife thinks she might be ace. I have some questions.

[Windmills of My Mind]

6 hours ago, cresting830 said:

She's very afraid to open up to her friends about her being ace/gray-ace.

Why would she need to open up to people about this? She can choose not to. There is no obligation to share any of this if she doesn't want to or if she feels uncomfortable about it. At some point she would have to share things with you, her partner. Anybody else? Up to her to decide on.

 

And like many things in life her willingness to share things with friends may change at some point. She has every right to not share with friends until she is ready to do so.

 

It sounds to me both of you are putting in effort and show a willingness to work things out.

 

 

 

 

 

[cresting830]

  

18 minutes ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

Why would she need to open up to people about this? She can choose not to. There is no obligation to share any of this if she doesn't want to or if she feels uncomfortable about it. At some point she would have to share things with you, her partner. Anybody else? Up to her to decide on.

 

And like many things in life her willingness to share things with friends may change at some point. She has every right to not share with friends until she is ready to do so.

Yes you're absolutely right. I've talked to a few of my friends about our situation with her consent and she might want to do the same. I just now notice that I've left some things a bit open ended in yesterdays post I'll clarify a bit later. I've mentioned before that I've found this community and that sharing here was very insightfull and helping. She found this thread a while back and read a little. I don't know if she's keeping up with it though. But she also searched for things that fit her situation and said that most posts went along the line of "break up" or "you won't be happy" and the like and she was not at all receptive to that so she dipped. She did not try to write her own post to share her specific story since the others didn't fit really but I suppose the fear of being told "leave" by people that have been through something similar wasn't something she wanted to hear. So she didn't. I guess a close friend would be... different? I told her that all mine could do was listen and give emotional support. I've reiterated how invaluable it was to share this here and said that maybe a community in our mother language would help. But she might also look for emotional support from someone that isn't me and I get that as well.

 

27 minutes ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

It sounds to me both of you are putting in effort and show a willingness to work things out.

We do. Each in their own way and their own pace but I'd still like to get together and share our progress more often.

 

OK and now onto clarifications because I just remembered something and it fits.

 

7 hours ago, cresting830 said:

She in her words is still spiraling uncontrollably. She has the journal on her mind all day. Has trouble sleeping. Needs to listen to music or podcasts constantly to numb herself. I had no idea, she sometimes sleeps badly due to allergies and is always listening on her headphones. I don't want to downplay, but explain that I didn't see nothing out of the ordinary. This was such a shock that we hugged and cried for a while to process what was said.

There was more after we've hugged. Her point was also that she postponed writing because she simply did not know what do write and where these answers would lead. Sort of paralyzed by fear of what may come. And doing anything else but that... is very plausible. That this would lead to 5 weeks of no communication and tremendous hurt for both of us came at a cost as she explained that it became more and more overwhelming.

I've been through a similar process countless of times over the years. Overthinking. Spiraling. Fatalizing and I think there was merrit to some of it but I also think that is a balance and everyone needs to find it and others can't really do it for you. But I still tried to help by empathizing that I think I know what that feels like that I've been through similar and that this drove me insane because I alone did not have the answers to my questions. It was an unsolvable problem and so I seeked help and perspective from the people here. I don't know what else to say but I vividly remember these moments of postponing an important todo because you could drown it out with plenty other things and it just kept getting louder and louder and louder and once you sat down to do it sometimes it wasn't as bad and other times it had time to cook and the preconceived notions of how it would go kept me from doing the best job I could do.

It's rough and I get it that it's hard. I've asked her again if she would wish for me to initiate the check-ins to which she said that I should try going forward.

We sort of fumbled our communication a bit since last time. My assumption was that since she said she was gonna journal weekly and we had a weekly talk and based our last talk on what was journaled that we would stick to that since she said that this is for her, currently, the best way to express herself. So I sort of simply waited for the communicated "ground work" for our next talk to be done but I should've checked in... I had no idea she was spiraling like this. I mean I obviously knew that she had trouble journaling as said before but I've also said before that her pushing that away is something that we also know is something she does... nothing seemed out of the ordinary and then 5 weeks passed. I hope that we're gonna do better going forward I'll try to be more supportive.

 

[Liara]

It's a very rough time for you right now but you both seem willing to make it work, to work together for the best. I fond that great, even if it's painful.

[pudding66]

@cresting830 It's been a while just curious how you are doing.

I am probably closer to your wife's side in asexuality but I am more willing to talk/initiate talking with my partner.

[cresting830]

On 7/14/2025 at 6:06 PM, pudding66 said:

@cresting830 It's been a while just curious how you are doing.

I am probably closer to your wife's side in asexuality but I am more willing to talk/initiate talking with my partner.

Oh this is so sweet of you. I've told my wife about you and while she is very very much more of a lurker, she said that she would try to write something from her perspective to share here. She is having a lot of trouble in figuring out what exactly to talk about or how to articulate it properly though. It's already hard to open up to me but opening up to others is on another level for her. She said to relay that she is trying to write something but it'll take a moment.

 

What might help is: Do you, or anyone here have any specific questions that you would like to ask her?

 

OK now for the update from my point of view: We've had a couple busy weeks and weekends with little alone time and a lot of work. We've spend most of our couples time huddled in front of the tv and binging shows or doing our hobbies seperately. We haven't had the energy to sit down and talk and she has not written in her journal. We're trying a me initiating some intimate time approach with low stakes and it has worked for us so far. It's all very awkward in a cute way actually. There's no denying that something is very different how things were before but we're figuring things out step by step. I've refrained from sexualized touch or remarks in a non sex context for a good bit now since I did not know if that was something she would enjoy. Think of something like deep hugging with a touch of soft groping, staring while changing or commenting on how sexy she is. Or the classic smack on her butt. I'm showing her how much I love her as a person in many other ways but that way, for me, was to show her how much I desire her as a sexual person. In our last conversation a couple weeks back she remarked that we're not engaging in a way that we did before so I tried doing a little more of what I described the last couple weeks and she remarked that she liked it. Now that I've written this out, I think I have to ask what she likes about it? As I see it, it could be that I've shown a specific type of affection like that and removing it entirely made her uneasy or anxious. But is it THIS type of affection that would help or would a substitute that fits her desires be better? But would that be OK for me as well? Questions upon questions and I'm not sure I made my point clear. In short I've stopped giving a specific kind of affection because they were of a sexualizing nature and I did not think that was wanted (I didn't ask her just assumed that's entirely on me)  now this abscense made her feel a bit disconnected so I increased it again. She said that she liked it which brings up the question if it was that affection specifically or was it the missing substitute with other kinds of affection. Now that is a bit clearer.

 

That's all for this update I'm afraid.

[Olallieberry]

2 hours ago, cresting830 said:

Questions upon questions and I'm not sure I made my point clear. In short I've stopped giving a specific kind of affection because they were of a sexualizing nature and I did not think that was wanted (I didn't ask her just assumed that's entirely on me)  now this abscense made her feel a bit disconnected so I increased it again. She said that she liked it which brings up the question if it was that affection specifically or was it the missing substitute with other kinds of affection. Now that is a bit clearer.

Progress!

 

And, yes, this would be very worth asking about.

 

Speaking for myself, I have stopped doing that sexualized kind of affection toward my spouse because:

2 hours ago, cresting830 said:

But is it THIS type of affection that would help or would a substitute that fits her desires be better? But would that be OK for me as well?

Since we just aren't doing sex together, we just aren't sexual partners to each other any more, that kind of affection makes no sense, is empty for me. Plus, yeah, while she wanted affection, that kind wasn't ideal even when she knew it wouldn't go anywhere.

 

It's OK because we have figured out how to stay together without being lovers to each other. But if we hadn't, then it wouldn't be OK for me.

 

This is a long slow process. Congratulations on progress. Keep moving forward. I don't know what you'll discover, but you seem prepared to put the time and effort into leaving no stone un-turned.

[cresting830]

My wife hasn't gotten around writing about her experience and @pudding66  seems to be offline for a while. We haven't had a talk or a journal either but it, as always, has been busy and priorities and such. I sound bitter because communicating progress and keeping in touch has been my one request and well...

 

I also didn't have the guts to ask her about a substitute for the sexual type of affection but... I will do it soon. It hasn't come up because I've been in a bit of a slump as of late.

 

Alright now for what's been going on since my last update

 

My wife visited her best friend this weekend and yesterday, on our ride home from shipping, she told me that she talked to her about being ace and she said that in that moment it felt right and that after a little back and forth with her, her friend mentioned that many things and situations do make a lot more sense now given the added context. My wife said that it was a very brief and surface level talk but that this already felt great. While we were on that topic she also mentioned that lately our sexual intimacy felt like less of a chore to her. She looked at me in shock immediately after saying that and added that it never felt like a chore but that a couple years back it felt like "oh I gotta do it because I have to like doing it" but something about her perspective towards it seems to have shifted as of late. I frooze and aknowledged what was said and kept quiet for the remainder of the ride which was a few minutes. I've told myself that it wasn't my place to talk but listen... but that's just an excuse. I wasn't ready and she felt that as well and apologized for springing this on me without any warning or heads up. In that moment I looked back at the last couple of weeks and yeah it was less of a chore... because I've been sexually disconnecting more and more from her. In the moments themselves I am connected and present but I... just don't know how much of that is just instinct or carnal pleasure and me desperately holding onto a presumed connection that isn't there in a way that I would wish. I've talked about this before and @Olallieberry had some great insight about this as well. It's the unwillingness to face a harsh truth head on that makes me withdraw. It seems that I was kidding myself when I thought I was ready for some radical honesty because... damn...
This may well be grounds for something new to build upon?... I can't tell.

 

She's being more affectionate in ways that come naturally for her but I've always had issues taking these affections and truly hearing them. My self-image has been in free-fall for a while and I have a lot going on that I keep to myself so her telling me sweet words makes me feel all the more like shit. I've recently read a great mantra that goes "I'm accountable for my second thought and my first reaction" and that has struck a cord with me. I've always judged every thought I head without aknowledging that some of these initial thoughts are motivated from things that can be worked on. So challenge the first thought and base your reaction on the second one. I've been good at not having my first thought motivate my actions but my second thoughts have always been condemning the first and shaming myself. Sorry for the short derailing but I feel like it explained why I feel like shit when she shows me her kind of affection. Might also be because her dialect is not a one I am very receptive of.
She has started making some overtly sexual remarks again and I've said a while back that I'm not really feeling those. I don't want to rebuke or remind her but I might have to at some point. Maybe...

 

Sometimes I feel like I don't get her anymore. And all the while it seems like she's blossoming and I'm happy for her but more and more aware of the path we currently walk on and wonder how long I have the energy to walk it with her.

The other day she mentioned that she was reminiscing about a sexual encounter that we've had the day prior and she seemed so happy and I felt so sad. I think I'm not done mourning at all. Everything hurts and it's been intensifying for a while now and I've grown numb to it and with it other things have numbed as well. I know all of this seems super dramatic and I've been going in circles about this for months now. It is the same old spiel that I've written before but it feels like a warmth in me is gone. Some lights have dimmed. Some glimmer lost. And with all that going on in me at least it feels like less of a chore.

 

Reading over the written again it seems to me that she is really settling in and feels more at ease to open up and identify herself as ace. She seems more comfortable doing certain things that she feared would lead to something but knowing now that they won't aleviated some anxiety. The lack of pressure makes her reminisce and let her mind wander and feel like sexual intimacy is less of a chore. I feel like this is a decently positive take. If you ignore the cost that is....

 

This is, as always, all over the place. Lot of doom and gloom with some light inbetween. It's hard to keep my chin up...

[Olallieberry]

 

Just remember, you're bereft of something you want, but as far as self-esteem goes, remember that that's not about you. You're very esteemable for how you're conducting yourself and interacting with your spouse. She's opening up because of your emotional labor. That is highly esteemable, even if it doesn't get you what you'd like in an impossible situation.

 

Also, this is early days. It's totally understandable that you would have a lot of severely conflicting feelings. It takes time for a positive change to work its way through all your synapses and recontextualize how you think about and feel about and perceive things.

 

I definitely understand the betrayed feeling, but at least she's talking to you and to her best friend. That's way more important than whether she journals or posts on here. It sounds like those talks have helped her to process things and make progress - even if it does feel like there is a broken promise or an unmet expectation. Those were supposed to be in service of making progress, right? So if progress is being made, without them, then, can you let it go? Or is there more to it which makes it un-let-go-able?

 

I just want to be super encouraging. Don't ignore or minimize the negatives, which are real and present. But there seems to be a lot of positive to lean into, at the same time! Things still aren't resolved, that will take a lot more time and effort and communication, but, it sounds to me like there has been a real shifting of gears into a forward direction. You don't know where you'll wind up or how things will develop, but at least it seems like there's less of just being stuck - and that's huge!

 

It's OK to continue to mourn what's absent and unattainable. That is also a process which takes time. Just anticipate that the acute part of it won't last forever. It will never go away completely, but the intensity of the grief will get a lot better eventually.

[pudding66]

@cresting830 Hi! Sorry I’ve been offline for a while. Mainly it’s because my ex broke up with me due to my potential asexuality, and browsing the forum brought up some trauma for me. I’m not in a great place right now, so I can’t offer too many thoughts, though I’m feeling a bit better now and logged in again to see your post.

 

After the breakup, I started reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagasaki and Becoming Orgasmic by Julia Heiman. I don’t have a lot of specific suggestions for you both as a couple, but perhaps my only advice would be: if it’s within your budget, consider trying couples therapy, and maybe take a break from sexual activity with each other—probably at least a month—and see how that makes you both feel.

[cresting830]

16 hours ago, pudding66 said:

@cresting830 Hi! Sorry I’ve been offline for a while. Mainly it’s because my ex broke up with me due to my potential asexuality, and browsing the forum brought up some trauma for me. I’m not in a great place right now, so I can’t offer too many thoughts, though I’m feeling a bit better now and logged in again to see your post.

 

After the breakup, I started reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagasaki and Becoming Orgasmic by Julia Heiman. I don’t have a lot of specific suggestions for you both as a couple, but perhaps my only advice would be: if it’s within your budget, consider trying couples therapy, and maybe take a break from sexual activity with each other—probably at least a month—and see how that makes you both feel.

 

First and foremost welcome back and I'm sorry about your breakup and I hope that you're gonna feel better in the future. These mixed relationships are very hard on everyone and I just want to say that from what I've read from you it reads that you're doing a lot to figure yourself out and I hope that this knowledge will be a good foundation for the future. 

 

I would like to reiterate my question though: You said that you're closer to my wifes experience, is there anything specific you would like to ask her?

 

One of our earliest tries to figure the sex thing out was actually to take sex off the table and let her decide when she would feel the "need". It ended up being about a month or so and it was a very very challenging month for me mentally. I felt quite unlovable and worthless. I might have to ask her again how she felt in that time... it slipped my mind. I have a lot better understanding now than I had back then about what her not needing sex means for her and me... or maybe I've gotten used to that feeling.

We've read "come as you are" but there was no eye-opening moment for her in there. We haven't looked at the other book you mentioned so might give that shot at some point. Couples therapy is currently off the table upon her request. Her last note about it was that she doesn't quite know what she would ask or say or what she would want to talk about or work on.

 

 

[pudding66]

@cresting830 

Thank you for your message! When I said I feel closer to your wife’s experience, that’s somewhat true, though of course everyone’s situation is different.

If you asked me whether I have any specific questions for her (these are just based on my own experiences, so they might not even be directly tied to asexuality), here’s what comes to mind:

• Do you notice a stronger sense of sexual desire at certain points in your cycle? If so, how do you usually respond—by masturbating or just letting it pass? And when you do, do you find yourself fantasizing about your partner?

• What is your mindset during sexual intercourse with your partner? Do you find it enjoyable, and are there certain aspects you particularly like or dislike?

• What would your ideal sexual life with your partner look like—for example, in terms of context, frequency, or dynamics? I saw your husband mention that you’re sex-favorable, so I’m curious about your perspective.

I realize you may have already shared parts of this before, but these are the questions that came to mind for me right now.

[Gecko1]

6 hours ago, cresting830 said:

One of our earliest tries to figure the sex thing out was actually to take sex off the table and let her decide when she would feel the "need".

My husband and I tried this once too. We went about 4 months before he couldn’t wait any longer and asked to have sex again. On my part, I could have kept going, possibly indefinitely. I did not miss sex at all and truly had not kept track of how long it had been. It was just a non-issue for me. I think that was one experience that helped give me “evidence” to confirm I was on the asexual spectrum when we later explored that possibility. 

[Olallieberry]

Taking a break doesn't really do anything unless the couple intentionally uses that time to make progress.

 

Having the prospect of sex "on the table" can create distractions and obstacles to figuring out how to improve the relationship and each person's experience in it. 
 

So if all that's happening during a break from sex is one person is not even noticing and appreciating the relief at all because they're that comfortable without it and they already feel like "great, problem solved, we're done here," and the other person is acutely aware of when it's going to be that they can cease depriving theirself, and maybe feels like things are worse than ever with no prospect of having sex, then, there's no attention being paid by either person to discovering and working on any kind of a solution.

 

That's hard work. The sexual "truce" or removal of sex from the situation and from the dynamic is supposed to free the couple to put the time, energy and effort in, to talk, try, work, cry, explore, brainstorm, negotiate, explain, or whatever else it takes to figure out how to be less unhappy collectively. 

And I do mean "collectively." One not-unhappy person and one gravely unhappy person adds up to one unhappy couple.

[Windmills of My Mind]

Wow Ollie, that deserves to be stitched in colors and be put up on the wall for future reference 👍🏻  

 

Edit:

Mind you , @Gecko1, my comment is not intended as criticism at you. I do think it is a valuable insight for any major issue that leads to a pause or break of some sort in a relationship. I'm learning here.

[Gecko1]

I understand where you’re coming from @Olallieberry and @Windmills of My Mind, when we tried that, it was part of the advice from a book. I think it was Come As You Are. It was supposed to help figure out libido differences or something and we did continue the discussion during that time. The surprising take away was just how far apart we actually were and I think it wasn’t too long after that when we started exploring asexuality as a possibility.

[Olallieberry]

3 hours ago, Gecko1 said:

I understand where you’re coming from @Olallieberry and @Windmills of My Mind, when we tried that, it was part of the advice from a book. I think it was Come As You Are. It was supposed to help figure out libido differences or something and we did continue the discussion during that time. The surprising take away was just how far apart we actually were and I think it wasn’t too long after that when we started exploring asexuality as a possibility.

That's exactly what happened with me and my wife. That book is what made her realize she could identify as asexual.

[cresting830]

7 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

That book is what made her realize she could identify as asexual.

Damn... Why... how? How exactly did I miss this? I just said that the book didn't create an eye opening moment for my wife, her words. But that was because she was searching for an eye opener on how to deal with her just not being sexual. It had all these things we could try and little sheets on what to try and questions to answer and she struggled with them plenty. So the eye opener should have been exactly that. A lot of the tips there didn't relate or work for her because they simply couldn't or weren't designed for asexuals... I gotta talk to my wife about this. I'm so embarassed right now... Or maybe she did realize it but that was before our initial asexual talk so she might've not wanted to point at the elephant in the room?

 

@pudding66 I'll relay your questions thanks for taking the time!

 

  

14 hours ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

Wow Ollie, that deserves to be stitched in colors and be put up on the wall for future reference

My thoughts exactly! And looking back we really didn't use the time to process the situation individually and were solution or progression based. I've pondered our entire relationship and if I remember correctly, gotta ask her again, she felt relief and then guilt and anxiety and stress. It was a weird time and a bit hazy to recall, brain must've blocked it or something.

 

Edited October 2, 2025 by cresting830
appreciations were in order

[Gecko1]

9 hours ago, cresting830 said:

It had all these things we could try and little sheets on what to try and questions to answer and she struggled with them plenty. So the eye opener should have been exactly that. A lot of the tips there didn't relate or work for her because they simply couldn't or weren't designed for asexuals.

Yes, none of those questionnaires or things made sense to me. I genuinely did not have answers for a lot of them, although it felt like I was supposed to. I don’t think I actually finished the book because it just made me more confused and frustrated.

[Olallieberry]

13 hours ago, cresting830 said:

Damn... Why... how? How exactly did I miss this? I just said that the book didn't create an eye opening moment for my wife, her words. But that was because she was searching for an eye opener on how to deal with her just not being sexual. It had all these things we could try and little sheets on what to try and questions to answer and she struggled with them plenty. So the eye opener should have been exactly that. A lot of the tips there didn't relate or work for her because they simply couldn't or weren't designed for asexuals... I gotta talk to my wife about this. I'm so embarassed right now... Or maybe she did realize it but that was before our initial asexual talk so she might've not wanted to point at the elephant in the room?

In my wife’s case, she had either really never even encountered “asexuality” as a concept in human sexuality and orientations before she found it in that book, or, maybe she had but much earlier in her life at a time when she just wouldn’t have recognized it as something which maybe she herself could identify with.

 

By the time we used the book, she was ripe for recognizing herself in that identity, and, once she did, the entire perception of our sexuality mis-match and what it meant for our relationship changed for both of us.

 

Changed for the better, it seems needless to say, but maybe it isn’t.