My wife thinks she might be ace. I have some questions.

[cresting830]

Hello everyone. I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this but I am pretty new to all of this so please direct me if I'm wrong. Also english isn't my first language.

 

Trigger warning would be that if this was an "Am I the asshole" I'm pretty sure many would say that I am.

My wife and I have been together for now almost 18 years which marks it half of our lifes. We've been married for 5 next year.
We've always had our differences when it comes to sexual intimacy and I spearheaded most of the conversations relating to this topic over the years. We determine to do better and always defaulted back to how things were.
In spring 2022 we've sat down and had a proper open ugly conversation about what I assumed at the time was everything we could talk about. There was crying there was a lot of hurt, guilt and build up resentment and we both determined that going at this issue would require a lot of our ongoing attention. We've learned that in long term relationships that struggle with sexual intimacy a shedule might help so we tried that. The idea is that the high libido partner can look forward to something and the low libido partner does not need to tiptoe around all kinds of intimacy. We assumed that stress on her part is a big factor so this was an attempt to alleviate that. Besides that I've done plenty of introspection on what I can do better as a partner, she was adamant that everything was fine with how I was but I stuck with it, and according to people around us it was showing. Sticking to the sheduled intimacy proofed to be a challenge as well as I got excited for the day and she sometimes forgot it entirely.
This lasted for a while until we had one of our talks that we occasionally do. She said that she was very anxious and dreading these talks which gave me pause. What we have tried to do was to de-stress but it seemed to have just shifted it onto sex itself.
We did a fullstop on the sexual intimacy as a means to reassure and reset. We agreed to get together when she is ready to do so and not before. This lasted for nearly a month and I understand that this isn't long for some of you but it is for me.
I was contemplating plenty of things during that time and my mental headspace was the worst I've ever been in. Unsure about my worth as a man and a partner and as a sexual being as well.
We learned about responsive and spontaneous desire and started reading "come as you are" from emily nagoski together. While we did learn plenty of things, the change that she hoped for or more like an epiphany didn't come. There were some worksheets in that book about figuring out what would work as a gaspedal and what would work as a break for intimacy and we struggled to write down things. I, because everything she does is a gaspedal to me and she couldn't really figure out or recall scenarios.
What I hoped for was for her to figure out her needs and wants and desires and communicate these to me so I could help and incorporate and acomodate her. But we didn't reach this point and spent some time with me not initiating because I didn't want to pester her with my needs and her initiating every now and then. This cycle felt so onesided and I felt so terrible and unhappy and trapped and like we were not really figuring something out but "getting by".

I've communicated this in our most recent conversation and it was the roughest one we've had yet. I got hungup and overthought a situation that we've talked about before so we've had another conversation about this thing specifically and it wasn't great. She mentions how much progress and work this is for her and that she feels like she's never good enough for me but that she understands that I want to feel desired and wanted, but that even now everything she does is not... that but she is running down a shedule in her head she doesn't seek me out because she wants to, but because she has an internal shedule that reminds her to. I feel terribly ungrateful about the progress she has made just because I see what she's doing as normal and didn't aknowledge the effort it took to get to where we are. The guilt I felt in that situation was unlike anything I've felt before.
I cannot overstate how terrible I felt after realizing this. I didn't know that she was sheduling everything. I hadn't even considered it... so I broached the ace topic and she said that she had thought of it but didn't think it would fit. She enjoys our sex live a lot and is always satisfied (her words) and often times she remarks "this was so much fun why is it so hard for me to want this more often?". She decided to do her own reading about this, but to me... a lot of things click into place. Some good and some not so good things.

 

some more rambling that I thought off while procrastinating on posting this:
I feel resentfull of all the time and effort we've spent on trying to figure something out that wasn't really the issue to begin with. I get that we did the best with what we had at the time but the stress and pressure and hurt and guilt...
I can't help but feel that some of it could've been avoided and I hope that some of what we learned can be channeled into some kind of growth.
It's also hard to be happy about positive momentum because the pen has dropped countless times and now I'm just stuck waiting for it to happen again. This is a self fulfilling prophecy because now I'm looking for something to affirm my perception.
I've always been quite insecure and over the years this struggle has seemingly exacerbated this issue. It has reached a point where I get uncomfortable with situations where it seems like my wife is choosing something/someone else over me. Little things become big issues for no apparent reason. We always process, reevaluate and reconcile but the initial triggering situation and pain lingers because I seemingly can't let go.
Quick example to showcase what I mean by small things and big issues: We managed to get two great pictures of us from a fancy event we went and they together make for a beautiful phone background for the lock screen and the unlock screen. I showed it to her and while she said it was nice she wants to stick to her background of a whitehaired anime man that she's liked for a while. We let it go for the moment and I seeked a clarifying conversation later on. She explained that she doesn't like photos of us as her background because she doesn't know who's looking at her screen.

 

I am sorry for the long ramble but I had to get a semi full picture down before my questions:
How do I cope with my partner not desiring me intimately? To me this is such an important and validating act and ever since that conversation everything seems forced or phony or fake. 
It's there to show me that she loves me in a way that I am receptive to and this should be enough on paper... but somehow it isn't yet. How do you handle sex in general does the non-ace partner always initiate? Do you shedule it?
What if I'm keeping her from being her true self with someone else? What if someone else could reignite that spark and it's just gone towards me specifically? I can't make these decisions for her and have to accept her choices but the question remains.

 

Where we currently stand:
After our most recent conversation were we broached the ace subject and secondary one where I spent a lot of time reassuring her that I didn't plan to go anywhere and that we're gonna figure something out. She remarked that "She didn't want to be this way" which is... just so aweful to hear and I can't even imagine what she must be going through and what I'm putting her through. 

Incorporating what we've learned so far, we've determined that since sex in her head is running on a shedule based on what she perceived were my needs we've scrapped that idea because it adds stress and doesn't seem to benefit us either when we want to process the ace thematic. We're going back to me signaling an open invitation for connection that can be acted uppon if she is willing to and if not we postpone to a later time. I am currently not pushing for anything but our usual non-sexual intimacy and work on reassuring her.

I get that every relationship is different and to each their own I'm just... new to this and very unsure if what we're doing is creating more harm or damage then help.

[uhtred]

I am the sexual person in a long term  marriage to an asexual woman. 

 

There is very little information out there about asexuality unless you know to look for it, and before this site existed, very little info at all. Like you I had no idea asexuality even existed and went though some of the same problems.  My wife still doesn't think asexuality exists, and that her feelings about sex are like those of all women, who just provide sex to men sometimes.

 

No fault to any honest mistakes or misunderstandings made  out of a lack of information. Also no fault to her for not desiring sex, or to you for wanting it as part of a loving romantic relationship. 

 

None of us have time machines, so wondering about what we *should* have known, realized etc. doesn't help.  All you can do is to think about how to move forward .

 

These situations are extremely difficult, and when people have trouble talking about it (as my wife and I do, like you) its far worse.   There are very few options and maybe no good ones.  You can:

 

1) Compromise: IF you can have an honest talk about your feelings, desires etc, you might find that there is sex life that makes you both happy.  It depends on how far apart you are, and on things like whether she is repulsed by all sex, or just by some subset of sexual activities.  From your description you haven't had a lot of success at this, so it may not work for you (it doesn't for me)

 

2) Open marriage.  For some people, some personalities, some types of sexual desire,  the sexual person having sex outside of the marriage works.  It has to be something both partners are comfortable with.  This works for some couples, but for others, sex, love, exclusivity etc are tied up in a way that prevents this from working.  (my case - I *know* I would fall for a sexual partner and it would end in divorce)

 

3) End the relationship.  If the above 2 won't work, this may be the way to make both people happier. Each can find a compatible partner.   Of course sometimes practical issues prevent this.

 

4) Hope it gets better.   That's been my approach - 40 years and hasn't worked yet.  IMHO this is the sort of problem that very rarely improves.   Usually either the asexual person starts putting up with sex that they really don't want, living stressed and miserable, or the sexual person lives in unwanted celibacy, feeling unloved, unwanted, miserable. Sometimes, both people are miserable, each thinking that they are sacrificing themselves for the other's happiness.   This is what I've done - don't be like me.  Don't wait another 20 years in the hope things will improve.

 

You  need to talk.   Maybe through a therapist, ,maybe through letters.  You need to both drop all the baggage, and not judge the other person for how they feel, or what they've done out of misinformation.   I say that, but I know its hard. So hard that in decades, I've never succeeded.

 

If you can't talk about it, I recommend an amicable divorce. Painful but its a pain that will end

 

 

[cresting830]

16 minutes ago, uhtred said:

There is very little information out there about asexuality unless you know to look for it, and before this site existed, very little info at all. Like you I had no idea asexuality even existed and went though some of the same problems.  My wife still doesn't think asexuality exists, and that her feelings about sex are like those of all women, who just provide sex to men sometimes.

 

No fault to any honest mistakes or misunderstandings made  out of a lack of information. Also no fault to her for not desiring sex, or to you for wanting it as part of a loving romantic relationship. 

 

None of us have time machines, so wondering about what we *should* have known, realized etc. doesn't help.  All you can do is to think about how to move forward .

First of all thanks for the quick reply and you taking time out of your day. Your situation sounds like it would be a lot to handle and after so many years as well. I don't know if I could make that work but for now I'd like to try.

I do have issues with letting go and accepting my past mistakes and moving on from them. I should've known better I should've done better I should've been better over and over. It's absolutely something I need to work hard on. As of now I haven't seen a therapist but with the new developments happening I think it might be high time to do that.

 

18 minutes ago, uhtred said:

These situations are extremely difficult, and when people have trouble talking about it (as my wife and I do, like you) its far worse. 

My wifes upbringing was very much based on "shoving things under the rug" and not talking about things which lead to her being quite avoident which, as one might imagine, is not an ideal setup for working on this because it would require multiple fronts and also the willingness and energy to work on it. With the prospect of not being able to succeed anyways this is a very hard undertaking on her part. Which is why I was adamant to support and help as much as I could've. But... you just can't force this kind of thing.

 

22 minutes ago, uhtred said:

1) Compromise: IF you can have an honest talk about your feelings, desires etc, you might find that there is sex life that makes you both happy.  It depends on how far apart you are, and on things like whether she is repulsed by all sex, or just by some subset of sexual activities.  From your description you haven't had a lot of success at this, so it may not work for you (it doesn't for me)

She is, according to her, not sex averse and I've mentioned that she is satisfied. Without going into to much detail but we make sure that we both blow of some steam when we get together. But as you said this whole topic is a very touchy subject for both of us. I take it that you're referring the list of do's and don'ts and yes we're not very sucessfull on that front as of yet. My hope is that with the new point of view something might come to fruition. Time will tell.

 

29 minutes ago, uhtred said:

2) Open marriage.  For some people, some personalities, some types of sexual desire,  the sexual person having sex outside of the marriage works.  It has to be something both partners are comfortable with.  This works for some couples, but for others, sex, love, exclusivity etc are tied up in a way that prevents this from working.  (my case - I *know* I would fall for a sexual partner and it would end in divorce)

I think, as you already said I fall into the category where this would not work. I've only ever been with my wife and absolutely can't see myself being able to have casual sex. I think I'm Demi (did I use that right? Correct me if I'm wrong). It might also be a subconscious protection or fear. I think that's what you meant right? That you'd fall for the sexual partner because of the need that they can fill?

 

33 minutes ago, uhtred said:

You  need to talk.   Maybe through a therapist, ,maybe through letters.  You need to both drop all the baggage, and not judge the other person for how they feel, or what they've done out of misinformation.   I say that, but I know its hard. So hard that in decades, I've never succeeded.

I absolutely agree. I've filtered what I wanted to say for years and over time have lessened the filter until we've reached a point where we both agreed that even if we don't want to hear some things it needed to be said and that's where we've ended on. I've assumed that she was as honest with me as I was with her but time has shown that wasn't the case. I understand that at the time, she wasn't ready to be honest with herself and by extension me out of fear for how I'd react or how she would need to accept herself in a way that doesn't align with how she wants to be.

 

I am sorry for the ramble once again... I've postponed writing this and am just happy someone read my words and I could connect with someone that has been through a similar thing. I am in no position to give advice and your situation sounds dire but know that you have my simpathy and I wish you all the best.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hey @cresting830.

 

I'll share a few thoughts. I think something important for you based on some things you said is to process more of your feelings (maybe talking about it can help, and a therapist could be useful too if it continues). If you want to share more of your feelings please feel free to do so. 

For now I want to say that it's normal that you feel the way you do, because you're a sexual person and it being part of your love language makes it that it's a way you get a lot from in a relationship. It's neither of you's fault that there's a big difference in how you feel around sexuality, you're simply at different ends of it when it comes to that. It doesn't mean your wife doesn't have a lot of feelings for you, or a spark, but she just likely doesn't connect sex and love together like you do, and this can be by nature. She has her own way of feeling about her partner and that's important to know, it's not about her not desiring you, it's just that the feelings channel differently. It's a difference in how you both are.

 

It's good that you're focusing on non-sexual intimacy, because it can be confusing for someone ace or less sexual on how to navigate intimacy. Like in my case I'm a very intimate person, but if I know my partner would expect sex, it could really screw with how I approach things, I'd be reticent to be myself and share physical affection. At this point though I think it's better if sex is known to be off the table so that intimacy can flow more and be enjoyed. But I know that it's not as simple for someone sexual, since the want to go further could be felt strongly.

 

The reality is that it's a really bad thing to pressure sex, so your wife does end up being the one that you have to pace yourself with, which can mean a lot less sex than you'd like. That can take to accept that reality, but if you can have a soft talk and convey that acceptance while still being true to what it means to you, you can hopefully find the balance that's possible together. What's possible will still be lesser than what you'd really want, but that's how it is when there's a big gap like that. Besides the other options that were mentioned.

 

 

[Olallieberry]

Hi @cresting830, you've been on quite a journey. Congratulations, I think you've done everything right, so far. I understand the guilty feelings you described, but I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about, you haven't been inconsiderate or mistreated your wife.

 

I'm very impressed with how much thought you've been putting in to this and how much awareness you have around all the various issues. It also sounds like you have a spouse who is capable of talking openly about this stuff without getting defensive, triggered and angry. That's so positive and a lot of people don't have that. The two of you have figured out on your own and maybe with the help of books and other resources, some steps to take in order to try to make things easier and find any compatibility which there might be.

 

I do wonder if she's just not ready yet or possibly not informed enough yet about identifying as asexual. When she says that she does enjoy her sex life with you when it happens, but never thinks about it when it's not happening, that matches how some asexual people experience sex with their partners. Asexuality doesn't just mean people who hate sex and want to never have it at all. So maybe you're both on the right track and further learning and introspection might move her closer toward identifying as asexual.

 

Maybe not. It doesn't really matter whether she identifies as asexual or not. So far, that identity hasn't been necessary for her to express and for you to understand what sex and sexuality are like for her, and that's what matters. The two of you are incompatible no matter what her label is.

 

Welcome to AVEN and to FSPFA. I hope we can help.

[cresting830]

@Sarah-Sylvia Thank you for the reply. I've spend so much time processing my feelings and trying to understand where my triggers are coming from and what is the underlying emotion behind the secondary ones. It's hard for me because while I don't think I've had a bad childhood pretty much all of it is not accesable to my working memory. I am and have spend a good amount of time to connect dots and figure stuff out. I do have an abandonment wound and I feel like I have very little to give as a person. I'm constantly being told that this is not the case but aligning the image that people have of you with what you think of yourself is as challenge that I'm still yet to overcome. I can connect with the people around me in platonic ways but only in a sexual way with my partner and while I can contribute plenty to her wellbeing and make her happy and support her, she can also get a lot of that from anyone else. But sex is something that only we both share so I get a lot of validation from that. I am aware that this CAN be a big issue when you "outsource" the validation of yourself onto your partner and once I got that I started working on building other avenues of validation.

Did something specific that I said seem like I wasn't processing my emotions enough? Oh or is it that it sounds like I'm intelectualizing them to make them digestable? Because I think you might be onto something there. Tagging some feeling that people consider valid and normal as bad and nonos. If that's what you meant then yes. Guilty as charged. Known issue that I'm working on.

 

Taking sex off the table and focusing on non sexual intimacy has, to me, helped us a lot. My wife was adamant that this has never been an issue to her and that she hasn't felt pressured. She said that she understands that this was a way that I expressed my desire for her. I absolutely understand where you're coming from which is why we've had a conversation about that before and also why we're doing it now again. I want her to be able to sort things out on her own terms and don't want to pile onto her.

 

And regarding your last paragraph about that what we're gonna end up compromising on will be less then what I would want. Until the Ace talk I would've said that I couldn't take any less because a lot of validation was tied into it. But now it seems to me, that a different mental framing is needed to re-prioritize non-sexual intimacy as the primary way for her to show her love and validating me. As I've said before, ideally you'd want to be validated in a way you're receptive off but if your partner is doing their best and you can tell then meeting them halfway has to be enough. I get that and I'll work on internalizing it.

 

Thanks again for your input.

 

@Olallieberry Thank you for your kind words. It has been quite the journey and at times a lonely one. My wife does get defensive and triggered but we've worked out ways to spot, aknowledge, reshedule and move on with the important topics. I think though, if it was up to her, we wouldn't be having these discussions as often or at all but all of this makes a lot of sense given her feelings and circumstances and I can't overstate how much of a shift her telling me that she might be ace made in my mind. Situations where I assumed that she was dragging her feet or didn't try hard enough now became her doing everything in her power to meet me halfways and me just now knowing any better.

What you said about enjoying sex but having no real desire to seek it out on her own is exactly why I asked her if she might be ace and she did some light reading a while back and only found sources that said that aversion to sex is linked to it so she didn't follow up on that. She has done some more reading since our conversation and I think you're right that as time goes on she will find more and more ways to come to terms with her desires.

I also get what you mean that putting on a label wouldn't solve the issue and that this incompatibility will stay and we will have to find ways to accommodate each other. I have to introspect a little on if I'm clinging to that label a little to much to explain a lot of things in the past and make the future prospects a bit more digestable. But as of right now I feel like being hopefull that we're gonna figure something out is most important. Thank you for your input as well.

[Olallieberry]

15 minutes ago, cresting830 said:

regarding your last paragraph about that what we're gonna end up compromising on will be less then what I would want

[...]

if your partner is doing their best and you can tell then meeting them halfway has to be enough

You'll have to see where "half way" is. You can't anticipate whether it will be enough or not, I'm sorry to say. But your attitude is good. Speaking for myself, I feel completely validated, but that doesn't make me not want sex. Sex isn't just, or always, or even at all, about validation for me. I don't know how it will be for you.

 

15 minutes ago, cresting830 said:

I can't overstate how much of a shift her telling me that she might be ace made in my mind

Yes, I had this experience too. When she identified as asexual, a lot changed and a lot became easier. It really helped us focus on what mattered - our incompatibility. Without that identification, we were still trying to find ways to be sexually compatible. Getting very real about the bare fact that we aren't was a very important step. It probably saved our marriage.

 

15 minutes ago, cresting830 said:

as of right now I feel like being hopefull that we're gonna figure something out is most important.

Yeah, as of right now it probably is. And you strike me as someone who won't be satisfied with being stuck, so, the warning I and others around here give to some people might not be what you need. But I'll repeat it anyway: Don't "hope" forever. You'll either get to a place where you don't have to hope any longer, or, it's possible that it will turn out that either you or your wife or both of you will stay stuck and stop making progress, in which case, sometimes people spend decades in that state. I consider it an unnecessary pain, especially having experienced about ten years of it myself, but that's for each couple to figure out. Or, more precisely, that's for at least one of the partners in each couple to figure out. Often, one partner is in a lot more pain than the other.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

57 minutes ago, cresting830 said:

I do have an abandonment wound and I feel like I have very little to give as a person. I'm constantly being told that this is not the case but aligning the image that people have of you with what you think of yourself is as challenge that I'm still yet to overcome

I understand that, you're right hearing the positive side doesn't always manage to get through when you feel differently. But it's cool that you do have some good awareness of things around your feelings.

 

57 minutes ago, cresting830 said:

I can connect with the people around me in platonic ways but only in a sexual way with my partner and while I can contribute plenty to her wellbeing and make her happy and support her, she can also get a lot of that from anyone else. But sex is something that only we both share so I get a lot of validation from that. I am aware that this CAN be a big issue when you "outsource" the validation of yourself onto your partner and once I got that I started working on building other avenues of validation.

I don't know about you but for me the level of intimacy I share with a partner is a whole lot more than I would with a friend, both in the bond and how we share but also physically (non-sexually). You did later write that things are changing with non-sexual intimacy, so I think that's really good, and hopefully you can do that with feeling more validation too like you mentioned. (with more of 'her' way to share love)

 

57 minutes ago, cresting830 said:

Did something specific that I said seem like I wasn't processing my emotions enough? Oh or is it that it sounds like I'm intelectualizing them to make them digestable? Because I think you might be onto something there.

I did think about that yeah, and understand because I've intellectualized a lot too, but saying 'digestable' is a good way to put it. Reframing things is great, it's really good you're doing that. I would just say that I mentioned what I did in terms of the point of expressing or sharing feelings being.. to go through them and let them out as well. Someone can find different ways to do it but it's just a common one that it helps to talk about them, and sometimes it's hard to do that with someone if it's about them, because we're scared to hurt them or whatever else. It helps to talk from the standpoint of how you ('I') feel sometimes. The  point is I'd want you to be able to say and feel them out if you want, including so that they don't burden you as much. Everyone has different ways to process but anyway if you feel like sharing more you can.

 

57 minutes ago, cresting830 said:

But now it seems to me, that a different mental framing is needed to re-prioritize non-sexual intimacy as the primary way for her to show her love and validating me. As I've said before, ideally you'd want to be validated in a way you're receptive off but if your partner is doing their best and you can tell then meeting them halfway has to be enough. I get that and I'll work on internalizing it.

It's really cool to see that. I think you're making great progress with things and yourself.

[cresting830]

@Olallieberry

Oh yeah that validation <> sexual fulfillment part might be something I'll have to worry about when we cross that road. I understand your sentiment on not waiting around forever. I have made my point known that this is important and that we both need to work on this and that's as far as I'm gonna take it. Can't force her and I will help as much as I can but also not at the cost of my own happiness. Both parties deserve that I think. We've both unknowingly compromised in our own ways for years and now its time to get to the bottom of this and face facts. This all reads very aloft and pseudo inspirational sorry about that. Positive reinforcement is not my strong suit but I'm trying.

 

@Sarah-Sylvia

I oftentimes struggle with overthinking so while it can be helpfull at times to understand your ins and outs it doesn't stop me from spiraling sometimes but the benefits outweigh the negatives so I'll take it. And I get what you mean about intimacy between friends and lovers I might've been a bit reductive. I've said this before in another setting and was told "You're offering so much more then a friend ever could" and I hear it in my head but not in my heart but that's my "work in progress".

Regarding the feeling and expressing feelings. There were sections about this in the book "come as you are" that we've read and neither of us fully understood what was meant to be conveyed there. I read that intelectualizing your emotions can be good and bad. The good is basically what you said and the bad is that by doing so one might stop themselves from fully processing them and feeling them "to the end". I might... have to do some work on that because I have a hunch that not fully processing them or labeling them as shemfull or bad leads them to be stuck... Could be that some resentment or my aformentioned "inability to let things go" stem from that. Another "work in progress".

I wouldn't even know what else to share as of now but I'll add some when I get around to it.

 

Thanks for the feedback you two.

 

 

edit:

I remembered something, I've mentioned before that I've been filtering what I say to my wife and with more trust and courage I've decided to be more honest but this honesty comes at a cost. We both share things that the other doesn't want to hear or stuff that creates a tremendous amount of stress and pressure. So I am torn honestly. Lying will never accomplish anything but determining how honest one can be also feels impossible because you deny your own truth and also impose what you believe to be your partners limit onto them and it might just not be true at all. I'm rambling. I just wanted to say that being honest is hard and I sometimes wonder if absolute honesty is the best way to go about it.

Edited January 7, 2025 by cresting830
I remembered something

[Olallieberry]

33 minutes ago, cresting830 said:

We both share things that the other doesn't want to hear or stuff that creates a tremendous amount of stress and pressure. So I am torn honestly

Maybe not absolute radical honesty, but, yeah, we have to be willing to say hard stuff.

 

It's not unkind or abusive to be honest - unless it is. I'm positive you can know the difference when it counts.

[Traveler40]

13 hours ago, uhtred said:

Open marriage.  …This works for some couples, but for others, sex, love, exclusivity etc are tied up in a way that prevents this from working.  (my case - I *know* I would fall for a sexual partner and it would end in divorce)

 

Sure, all sorts of calisthenics are attempted in this, but less is more when you try to explain this option as I’ve said many times.

 

Open is not an option for @uhtred as you’d certainly leave your spouse as stated.  Opening is not an option for specific and personal reasons that apply to your situation. Got it.

 

Others out in the big world can have sex, love, and exclusivity all tied up and yet make it work.
 

To the OP - remember that your situation is not as unique as you’d hope (sadly), but your choices and outcomes will be. Listen to others, but firstly tie the word Open to Mind - as in, keep one.

 

I’m sorry you’re hurting, but am glad you found AVEN. Welcome.

[cresting830]

Hey there it's been a minute.

We've tried some things and procastinated on others. We're currently trying to shedule a sexual intimacy attempt. I've read that in the early stages of dating pretty much all intimacy was planed ahead. We've tried this before and it didn't work. The idea is the widen the timeframe to be less often and keep it very open. We tried me just asking for it when I felt the need and that worked a few times but some wires in my brain aren't properly set yet... it feels like begging or pressuring. She's always been very enthusiastic to accomodate me when I broad it up so this feels like something that I should work on.

We've increased our non sexual intimacy and while this has always been a big thing for us, the reshaped focus absolutely helps a lot. We've also tried incorporating a little makeout session once a day and she remarked that she loves them but also feels bad for leaving me hanging (even after 18 years she's quick to get a rise out of me. Sorry for tmi) I assured her that I'm quick to bounce back and this also helps us make these kind of exchanges low pressure in the long run which I think could be a good thing.

We've started looking at couples counceling but our insurance won't cover the costs so we're still looking for something that fits. Both of us have said that we're well off enough to afford it and if that's what it takes so be it. Finding someone that fits our shedule is a bit hard and if I'm being honest I'd say we're also procastinating that a little.

We've been a bit more flirty and focused more on showing appreciation for everything that we notice. 

We're still reading "come together" by Emily Nagoski but progress is slow given our new focus that is to be expected. I'd still like to keep going though which just might be my hope of her being low libido allo speaking but we'll see. In general we took what was previously said in here to heart and not focus on labels and just try to figure out what is what. We're going back and forth and it's hard to talk about it because she is so very afraid that I would leave her if all cards are on the table. Reassuring her that I have no intention of doing so only does so much. It's a lot for her and she is not used to facing these questions about herself so she is struggling. I've offered support and help however she needs it but even working out how that would look like seems to be a struggle. I don't want to pressure or pesture her and I don't want to nag her so all of this is a bit touchy right now and I'm a bit stumped on how to progress. I want her to prioritize figuring these things out. I don't want to monitor it but if I'm being honest... years of talking and the "two steps forward and two steps back" situations have left their mark which is why I'd like to be rooting for her in a corner but I'm afraid that if I'd get involved I'd look for the wrong thing and could not support her the way she would need it. It's for sure something I gotta work on because that was then and this is now and I gotta work with a clean slate but tell that to my noggin... 

She also tearfully told me that she has found this thread and read a little into it before stopping. I don't quite know why I hadn't considered this possibility since I told her about this forum as a potential resource for her. My kneejerk reaction was to not have her read this thread but after a bit of pondering I've communicated that she is free to read it but that she should also keep in mind that what I write here is unfiltered and will be unfiltered going forward as well because anything else would deafeat the purpose.

 

Now onto the things that I'm currently pondering: 

We've had a subject come up recently that stuck with me. To keep it simple it's about her orgasms. At some point it occured to me that we've had phases where I focused very heavily on figuring her out and getting her to reach this release multiple times per session no matter what. The idea, at the time was, "If I show her how much enjoyment she can get then maybe she'd want it more often". All of this shifted the focus heavily on her and I've had a few situations where my laserfocus on her meant that I didn't fully enjoy it myself. She has noticed and was frustrated with me.

So back to our current situation: I've asked her, given the new prospects at play, what orgasms mean for her. And her answer was that they are nice but very optional. This makes so much sense and I don't get why I didn't ask this earlier but this is just another one of these instances where we've communicated past each other. For me the release is quite important and I assumed that it would be the same for her. But it isn't. And to her it is not as important but she knows that it is for me. So when she noticed me not focusing on what I find important and put my energy into something that she doesn't need it made her frustrated. Another puzzle piece clicking into place moment.

The thing I'm pondering with this is that I gotta let go of that hope of this changing. I'm not used to being selfish in bed so this is... somewhat strange to me. I do put my partners enjoyment over mine and now I'm conflicted with that being not needed or maybe even wanted. It's strange but understandable from her perspective but I gotta process that. I guess I'm a little sad that all this time and effort was a bit for naught. Not entirely because I still enjoyed it but not at the same level as her.

 

The other thing is more pressing: I have realized that I've developed some strange form of sexual jealousy. Or at least that's what I assume it is. I wan't that to stop and maybe writing about it or your feedback could help. To put it bluntly, I know she has a type and I know she consumes stuff that is meant to help her explore her own sexuality. But with the prospect of her sexual energy being very low I can't help but want that for myself. She once said that when she consumes this media she does get a little aroused but it's very fleeting and not enough to do something about it. It's just so frustrating to me because I would want her to explore all of that stuff is she feels that it helps but at the same time I can't shake the thought that it may come at the expense of our time. Like what if the need to sexual stuff to her is satiated by that content? I feel like I want my cake and eat it at the same time and I don't know how the make piece with picking one of those two options. It's hard and I don't know what to do. I've also brought this upon myself upon reflection. I once mentioned that I have put effort into figuring out what I want and need and continue to figure things out through exploration but that it feels like she does not and that she relies on our intimate encounters to do that. And that this realiancy on me in her sexual development may not be that good? It's hard to put into words the gist is that one should have a sexuality outsite of what you share with your partner. Selfcare and all that. But that was before we've had the ace topic and the assumption at the time was that focusing on that would benefit the other but here we are now. I just feel very selfish and insecurey and jealous and controlling and I don't want to be any of that so what can I do to reframe this?

 

Sorry for the wall of text but I've gotten a good chunk out of my system. Just sharing goes a long way it seems. I would still appreciate feedback and insight of people that have delt with this for longer then me.

[Olallieberry]

Sounds like a lot of great progress.

 

And it sounds like a lot of predictable and understandable "next questions," having made that progress.

 

I see a lot of stuff I have thoughts about, but I'll focus on this one for now:

 

12 hours ago, cresting830 said:

what can I do to reframe this?

I think you could reconsider this part, regarding consuming sexy content:

 

12 hours ago, cresting830 said:

what if the need to sexual stuff to her is satiated by that content?

It doesn't sound like it is.

 

It doesn't sound like it's getting her off.

 

It doesn't sound like her motivation for consuming this content has anything to do with meeting her (hypothetical) need for sexual stuff.

 

It doesn't sound like she has such a need at all.

 

Maybe talk to her about what she does like about this content? It can't be 100% sexual. The sexy bits and the resulting (involuntary) mild, brief arousal are probably peripheral to what she gets out of it and what she reads it for. It's probably not even a thrill, just a reflexive response which isn't compelling to act on.

[cresting830]

1 hour ago, Olallieberry said:

It doesn't sound like it is.

 

It doesn't sound like it's getting her off.

 

It doesn't sound like her motivation for consuming this content has anything to do with meeting her (hypothetical) need for sexual stuff.

 

It doesn't sound like she has such a need at all.

 

Maybe talk to her about what she does like about this content? It can't be 100% sexual. The sexy bits and the resulting (involuntary) mild, brief arousal are probably peripheral to what she gets out of it and what she reads it for. It's probably not even a thrill, just a reflexive response which isn't compelling to act on.

Now that is some food for thought. I'll relay this question on our next weekly talk. But yeah her saying that it passes quickly and isn't enough to act upon most likely was a good indicator for your assertion. Now that I'm thinking about it she has voiced her frustration with smutty books in general a while back, before the ace topic. She couldn't quite put her finger on what was bothering her about it. She loves reading and I think at the time she already had her processes going about her being different then what she would read in these books. Some form of alienation perhaps. Or maybe its mixing a hobby she likes to spend time with with something that she would rather not think to much about at the current time. I truly don't know but I wotta work out how to go about asking this. Thanks for your insight.

 

1 hour ago, Olallieberry said:

I see a lot of stuff I have thoughts about

By all means please do tell. 

[Olallieberry]

15 hours ago, cresting830 said:

what I write here is unfiltered and will be unfiltered going forward as well

I've definitely filtered what I write here - sort of.

 

I don't expect her to read my stuff here and I don't believe that she does or ever has, but, it could happen and it wouldn't be hard for her to figure out which user is me. So, my filter is that I don't write anything here which I wouldn't say to my wife's face.

 

On the other side of that is that I'm willing to say anything to my wife - anything I feel sure about, anyway. What I filter on AVEN, I also filter in person, and those are generally the things I'm not certain about or just the things I don't want to express at all. Unnecessary things. Unkind things.

 

15 hours ago, cresting830 said:

it's hard to talk about it because she is so very afraid that I would leave her if all cards are on the table. Reassuring her that I have no intention of doing so only does so much. It's a lot for her and she is not used to facing these questions about herself so she is struggling

It's her process, she'll move through it. And she has to do it on her own - I don't think there's anything you can do to help her get through it. You can be supportive by giving her time and space to work on it, but that's about it.

 

You can express that you want to see effort, you want to feel like she is working on it, and if you don't feel like she is, that's painful to you.

 

This isn't a carrot-and-stick kind of thing. Don't use your pain to try to motivate her. That will happen organically. Just be honest about how it feels to not see any effort, how it feels when it looks like there isn't going to be any progress. All you can do is leave it up to her to find the motivation to process her own way through this. But showing your experience isn't manipulative, it's just transparent, honest and trusting.

 

I have a lot of patience for this, but I cannot abide a clearly stuck process forever. And when I do feel like it's stuck, I show how I feel about that. It hurts. I don't make it blame-y, I just dare to be vulnerable about it and reveal my feelings.

 

15 hours ago, cresting830 said:

she is so very afraid that I would leave her if all cards are on the table

You mean, her own cards? Like, she is impeded against expressing herself?

 

As far as your own cards go: Put them all on the table. And be transparent that that's what you're doing. Set the example of radical vulnerability and of trusting your loved one, your partner, to witness your experience and your needs. State that it's the only thing which can save your relationship and you need her to be willing to do the same. Then drop it - give her the time and space to come to dare to follow your example. She'll still have to process it.

 

Speaking for myself: The conflict isn't/wasn't about whether I was getting sex or not. When there's a conflict, it's over trust and communication. I have to trust her to express herself. I need her to trust me to witness that.

 

Has your wife been explicit about her fear that you'll leave? Like, has she stated that in words, and linked it to her own transparency/honesty/vulnerability? If so, see if you can find a way to demonstrate your trust in her and to demonstrate your commitment.

 

Why do I mention trust in her? If there's something which is motivating her to not be transparent, not be honest, not dare to make herself vulnerable, then, it makes it hard to trust her. Doesn't it? And so - I think it's completely fair to express that. It's completely fair to point out that it's kind of manipulative - she's getting something she wants (a certain form of security) but not giving you what you need (trust, transparency). And so the opportunity to demonstrate your own trust is by following that up by saying you trust that manipulation isn't her intention. And it's probably not - it's almost certainly just a defense mechanism. So show her you assume good faith and give her the chance to digest and absorb the trust you showed.

 

Additionally, talk about witnessing and about your need to see her making effort. You trust her to dare to enter the space you're holding for her. In that space, your role is to witness her truth. Then you can take your own time to absorb and digest it - you'll need to. A reaction or response isn't required at that time. Save it for later. Tell her she can trust you to hear and see her, then show her you can do so. If you can do so without getting defensive or triggered or argumentative or lashing back or offering fixes, then that's going to demonstrate that it's safe for her to trust you with an emotion-dump or with a stream-of-consciousness of her thoughts or with tears.

 

The expectation is not that you won't have any reaction. You certainly will, about some of what you see and hear. Just save it for later. Process it. Then when you do react, it won't be in the same time and space as her initial vulnerability. "Fix" brainstorms can come later. Showing how it affected you can come later. Expressing your own hurt can come later. Correcting any factual misperceptions can come later. These aren't unsafe reactions, unless they occur right after she is witnessed. That's not witnessing, it's engaging. A witness engages (gives) their attention, not their words. You can change hats later - keep the witness hat on until she's done. You won't even have to respond to most of it. You can ask her to witness you safely another time.

 

There's one more thing to be aware of: 
She may not know what she wants. She will express emotions which are only temporary. She may express attitudes and intentions which will soon change. When you witness her vulnerability, the content of what she expresses is temporary. Don't hear any of that kind of stuff and treat it like Gospel. Just understand that that's where her thoughts are and that's where her emotions are at that moment. You can ask about it later, but don't just assume she still thinks and feels the same after she has leaned on you and given you some authentic vulnerability to witness. It's very very common for someone's thoughts and emotions to change after they've allowed themselves to release big feelings.

 

This is why it's so important to show her you trust her to dare to be vulnerable - and it's an antidote to what I was saying above about not being able to support her processing. It's still kind of true - it's her process. You can't do it for her. You can't make her do it. But creating space to witness her vulnerability provides the environment where big feelings and difficult thoughts get expressed, and expressing them goes such a majorly long way toward making it possible for her to at least partially resolve them. Rinse and repeat, her trust will grow, her processing will continue to proceed.

 

15 hours ago, cresting830 said:

afraid that I would leave

The above  should really help a lot, too, with her feelings of security. If she has some positive experiences with trusting you and daring to get vulnerable, and saying things she was previously inhibited about showing you, then she'll learn that these things don't undermine your commitment to her. If anything, they demonstrate it, they reinforce it. And that's something you can tell her, sometime. "See - I'm here for you, I'm not trying to leave. Even when you ugly-cry. Even if I hear something that hurt me." Thank her for trusting you. 

[cresting830]

 Wow thank you so much for taking the time to express all of this. I will need time to digest it.

 

14 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

I've definitely filtered what I write here - sort of.

 

I don't expect her to read my stuff here and I don't believe that she does or ever has, but, it could happen and it wouldn't be hard for her to figure out which user is me. So, my filter is that I don't write anything here which I wouldn't say to my wife's face.

 

On the other side of that is that I'm willing to say anything to my wife - anything I feel sure about, anyway. What I filter on AVEN, I also filter in person, and those are generally the things I'm not certain about or just the things I don't want to express at all. Unnecessary things. Unkind things.

 

Yeah we both (meaning you and me in this thread) have talked about how far honesty can go and I'm still figuring out where the line for myself is. I have plenty of anxieties about being not good enough or taking to much space that this makes it hard for me to navigate what is to much. Not blaming or invalidating or saying malicious stuff is obvious. But it seems that me communicating where I stand has also added a lot of weight on her shoulder. In her eyes it seems to be clear that what I would want (as in that I'm sexual and she is not) is something that she is incapable of giving. And me expressing that this is a shift but absolutely not a dealbreaker and that we will find some consensus only goes so far. In a sense it feels like me opening up has added an unsurmountable amount of pressure on her that seems to be debilitating her. We've talked about this before that... if you feel that you're not good enough no matter what. Why even bother trying. And me bringing this issue up over and over and over has lead to this particular mindset which is hard to overcome. Absolutely understandable and plausible result of the road we've traveled and this mindset needs dismantling if we want to keep evolving. Long story short... I think I get your point. I don't think that I've written something here that I haven't expressed to her in some shape or form.

 

I may have said some things that she... may have taken the wrong way. I wanted to show her that me fighting for this is me not giving up. But on other times I have said that doing this for so long (it has been a few years of progress and regress) has left me quite drained and that I currently don't have the energy to go full throttle. This was in our conversation before we broached the ace topic. This situation has not changed as it has been an uphill thing for so long that I need time to recuperate. Bad timing though.

I also mentioned that there will absolutely be partner more fitting for either of us but that is absolutely irrelevant to me because she is the one I wan't to make it work with. She has been with me through ups and down and is my best friend. I couldn't even imagine it. It was meant to show my commitment to what we have but it also included something that could absolutely be seen as anxiety inducing.

 

14 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

Has your wife been explicit about her fear that you'll leave? Like, has she stated that in words, and linked it to her own transparency/honesty/vulnerability? If so, see if you can find a way to demonstrate your trust in her and to demonstrate your commitment.

Yes she absolutely has. And it breaks my heart to hear it. She said that she doesn't like the way she is. She doesn't want to accept it. She sees herself in some Ace things and in plenty of gray-ace things or in low libido allo. She has browsed this forum a little but the question she gets stuck on is how to be a partner to me even with the way she is. I asked if she wanted to do her own post because while reading up on other experiences does give a lot of insight. The ins and outs are very unique to each person and situation.

I think your assertion that, and I hope I got that right, she is witholding some information out of fear how I would react to it or what consequences we would derive from it. And I really gotta dig into how to go about starting a conversation about this but you've given me PLENTY of pointers on how to do just that!

Edited February 18, 2025 by cresting830
clarification

[Olallieberry]

10 hours ago, cresting830 said:

I think your assertion that, and I hope I got that right, she is witholding some information out of fear how I would react to it or what consequences we would derive from it

I mean, I didn't assert it, I just reacted to

 

On 2/17/2025 at 12:23 AM, cresting830 said:

she is so very afraid that I would leave her if all cards are on the table

As far as how to start a conversation about it goes:

 

In your position, I would not abide being manipulated.  Now: What that means is I wouldn't wait, I wouldn't avoid bringing it up and showing how it affects me. What that doesn't mean is, accusing her of being manipulative.

 

There's a delicate balance. On the one hand, the negative one, there's getting triggered, lashing out, and calling her manipulative, and on the other hand, there's asserting myself and insisting on honesty, asking for transparency, and encouraging vulnerability. It might not be necessary to use the "m" word to get her attention.

 

But it might be. In which case, the "m" word is just used as a kind of "this is a perspective" talking point, not trying to sound like she's guilty of it, but, pointing out that there's the "appearance of impropriety" or maybe it's an unfortunate side effect of her defensive and non-transparent behavior. So if it does have to be brought up and called out, then we can immediately bolster the situation by stating that it isn't an accusation, stating that we trust them, stating that they can trust us, and naming the alternative behavior we want to see, and promising that that's the better way to go. Basically all the stuff I said in the four paragraphs after asking whether she had actually stated she was withholding stuff.

[ubereatsme]

Sex averse asexual here. I don't have sex in my relationships because I'm asexual. 

 

This idea that she doesn't want to talk about it properly in case you leave is a really ugly trait on her. How it stands at the moment is that she's telling you that your discontentment is acceptable as is you investing in this incomplete relationship rather than putting your efforts into a relationship with high compatibility. That's because she sees your intimate needs as of secondary importance to her own. 

 

Whatever is happening between you right now, she can tolerate. Probably tolerate forever. The trick is now to get you to keep you in this state of chronic unfulfilment for as long as possible where you're still meeting her needs for intimate companionship, but she doesn't feel obligated to meet yours. Some manage it forever until one party dies. 

 

If you're really not going to insist on change then just forget all this and live the sexless (or close to) life you have now. Stop asking for change that likely won't occur and potentially makes you look bad as it starts to feel like coercion. 

 

If you're really going to make it clear that this type of relationship is not sustainable for you, then you have to state that clearly and follow through by giving times and dates for real progress and action to be taken knowing it still may not work. 

 

I really think that you have to emphasise that the lack of sex is her problem, too. As an asexual woman, I certainly received the message that it was my partner's problem if they wanted sex and I didn't because I don't owe anyone sex. That's perfectly true, but when I agree to be someone's intimate companionship, I am agreeing to meet their intimate needs as they are mine. There is obligation on my side to be honest about whether I can do that. 

[Liara]

8 minutes ago, ubereatsme said:

This idea that she doesn't want to talk about it properly in case you leave is a really ugly trait on her. How it stands at the moment is that she's telling you that your discontentment is acceptable as is you investing in this incomplete relationship rather than putting your efforts into a relationship with high compatibility. That's because she sees your intimate needs as of secondary importance to her own. 

 

Whatever is happening between you right now, she can tolerate. Probably tolerate forever. The trick is now to get you to keep you in this state of chronic unfulfilment for as long as possible where you're still meeting her needs for intimate companionship, but she doesn't feel obligated to meet yours. Some manage it forever until one party dies.

Or maybe she is just afraid and doesn't know how to handle the situation.

[ubereatsme]

Just now, Liara said:

Or maybe she is just afraid and doesn't know how to handle the situation.

I can certainly empathise with her fear, however, I don't think it excuses not facing up to their reality. I don't think it's right to essentially hide things from your partner in case they dump you. I think they should have an informed choice, generally speaking. 

[Liara]

4 hours ago, ubereatsme said:

I can certainly empathise with her fear, however, I don't think it excuses not facing up to their reality. I don't think it's right to essentially hide things from your partner in case they dump you. I think they should have an informed choice, generally speaking. 

Absolutely but that’s easier said than done, sadly. And that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care what her partner feels. Fear is a very bad adviser but very strong…

[ubereatsme]

3 hours ago, Liara said:

Absolutely but that’s easier said than done, sadly. And that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care what her partner feels. Fear is a very bad adviser but very strong…

There are lots of things we can say that about but as adults, we have to be accountable for our actions. It really can get to the point on several issues where your failure to act becomes a fault on your side, even when fear is the motivator. 

[Olallieberry]

She definitely deserves the chance to grow, and she deserves the support of her husband as she tries.

 

Just… not forever. If she doesn’t come through, he might then make some different choices, but, to just write her off today would be ungenerous, unhopeful, unsupportive, unkind and uncool.

 

This is definitely a “let’s see” situation, not a “she’s already blown it, one strike she’s out” situation.

[ubereatsme]

13 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

She definitely deserves the chance to grow, and she deserves the support of her husband as she tries.

 

Just… not forever. If she doesn’t come through, he might then make some different choices, but, to just write her off today would be ungenerous, unhopeful, unsupportive, unkind and uncool.

 

This is definitely a “let’s see” situation, not a “she’s already blown it, one strike she’s out” situation.

I think what you have to understand about asexual people is that we aren't totally stupid. You're acting like all asexual people are totally ignorant to the needs of their partner. Like we don't understand that sex is important to you and you miss it. We do understand that. We just often don't believe it is of real importance so the fact we obstruct you from meeting that need doesn't matter much and when you "grow up" or become a "better person", you'll understand that, too. 

 

It's often about seeing how long you can get away with not fully meeting intimate needs of a partner while still benefiting from intimacy and companionship ourselves. 

 

There will be very few, if any, asexual people who fail to realise that their partner is struggling with the sexual mismatch. We just often decide that any sexual discontentment is not as significant as our need to sustain what we get out of the relationship. We are also made to think that it won't be important to our partner forever, they will age out of wanting that kind of intimacy and settle for what they have. 

 

So you can "let's see" for longer once you've truly acknowledged this incompatibility, but don't be surprised if you find yourself there at 75, not had sex for 40 years and now just literally waiting for your death. 

 

 

[Phred]

On 2/18/2025 at 7:19 AM, cresting830 said:

 Wow thank you so much for taking the time to express all of this. I will need time to digest it.

 

 

Yeah we both (meaning you and me in this thread) have talked about how far honesty can go and I'm still figuring out where the line for myself is. I have plenty of anxieties about being not good enough or taking to much space that this makes it hard for me to navigate what is to much. Not blaming or invalidating or saying malicious stuff is obvious. But it seems that me communicating where I stand has also added a lot of weight on her shoulder. In her eyes it seems to be clear that what I would want (as in that I'm sexual and she is not) is something that she is incapable of giving. And me expressing that this is a shift but absolutely not a dealbreaker and that we will find some consensus only goes so far. In a sense it feels like me opening up has added an unsurmountable amount of pressure on her that seems to be debilitating her. We've talked about this before that... if you feel that you're not good enough no matter what. Why even bother trying. And me bringing this issue up over and over and over has lead to this particular mindset which is hard to overcome. Absolutely understandable and plausible result of the road we've traveled and this mindset needs dismantling if we want to keep evolving. Long story short... I think I get your point. I don't think that I've written something here that I haven't expressed to her in some shape or form.

 

I may have said some things that she... may have taken the wrong way. I wanted to show her that me fighting for this is me not giving up. But on other times I have said that doing this for so long (it has been a few years of progress and regress) has left me quite drained and that I currently don't have the energy to go full throttle. This was in our conversation before we broached the ace topic. This situation has not changed as it has been an uphill thing for so long that I need time to recuperate. Bad timing though.

I also mentioned that there will absolutely be partner more fitting for either of us but that is absolutely irrelevant to me because she is the one I wan't to make it work with. She has been with me through ups and down and is my best friend. I couldn't even imagine it. It was meant to show my commitment to what we have but it also included something that could absolutely be seen as anxiety inducing.

 

Yes she absolutely has. And it breaks my heart to hear it. She said that she doesn't like the way she is. She doesn't want to accept it. She sees herself in some Ace things and in plenty of gray-ace things or in low libido allo. She has browsed this forum a little but the question she gets stuck on is how to be a partner to me even with the way she is. I asked if she wanted to do her own post because while reading up on other experiences does give a lot of insight. The ins and outs are very unique to each person and situation.

I think your assertion that, and I hope I got that right, she is witholding some information out of fear how I would react to it or what consequences we would derive from it. And I really gotta dig into how to go about starting a conversation about this but you've given me PLENTY of pointers on how to do just that!

Wow, you are not alone. Aside from the bickering below your last post just understand that there are those of us in the exact same place. We all have our own way of dealing with it. Mine is with a therapist. Actually 2 therapists. One for both of us and one for myself. You may have a different approach. But I see that you have a good head on your shoulders. 

 

Mine (ace, came out a year ago) has led me down some of the same roads that you have. I'm still trying to catch up to where you are now. I was a bad partner and I didn't do the research. You are light-years ahead of me. 

 

I just wanted to chime in and say that you are not alone. I have my own path and I'm sure that you will find your own. I also wanted a way to follow this thread because it is so similar to my own experience. Greedy of me, I'm sure. But sometimes we need to be greedy.  @Olallieberry does offer some excellent advice. They have been mentoring me for the whole 3 days that I have been on here. In fact, their advice was the reason that I joined. Yes, the tough stuff comes up frequently, but I am still hoping for the unicorn. 

[cresting830]

We've had another conversation yesterday. We've had couple rough weeks with the flu and other things that kept us at arms lenghts for safety reasons and we've both had our struggles with that. As I've said before with the decrease of our specific sexual intimacy we've increased the non-sexual kind to accomodate and or get more comfortable with the other.

The other day she approached me out of the blue if I'd be open to have some fun later and that was very sweet of her. She mentioned that she really felt in the mood in that moment and that it wasn't some internal shedule thing as she has mentioned before. Now the other day she mentioned it again but this time circumstances changed and we've moved on without a fuss.

Now what we've talked about was: that these situations, some context, some circumstance something must've been there in these specific moments that worked and this might be worth investigating. I've mentioned that writing about it might help (I've read on here that partners find it easier to write about the tough stuff instead of talk about it so this is piggybackping that idea) and she seemed very keen on trying that by hand and not on her phone. She mentioned that she still has trouble accepting some things about her situation and that she has trouble overcoming her procrastination habbits. I've reassured her that this takes time and if she want's my help with anything that I'd be there. I have used @Olallieberry advice (or how I saw it) that I feel like she's still holding back out of fear and that I'd like to see and witness her for what she is. She has taken that to heart and said that this has helped her feel more comfortable with sharing. Now the witnessing and just listening part is usually what she does so she felt very odd when the roles were reversed. I just sat and listened to her experience and didn't interject or inject my thoughts and ideas and that's usually not how we do this. Let me rephrase I talk a lot about this stuff to get to a point while I am talking about it. Verbalizing these ideas makes me reach some form of conclusion and her particiation in that is always welcome and encouraged not this time we did something that is the polar opposite of how we usually handle this. We aknowledged that, chuckled and moved on.

All in all we're trugging along. I am, as always, a bit confused which direction to focus my energy on since what she described to me sounded very gray-ace or context-sexual? Or low libido allo? I don't quite know but that's ok. We'll figure something out.

 

So for now she's gonna try to figure out what the context was that made her initiate and she also mentioned that she want's to write down what she really likes when we are intimate and also mentions that she want's to try some naked cuddling. I'm here for it and her eagerness to explore is very charming and endearing. I truly love her with all my heart. 

[cresting830]

Recently I've read a comment on here somewhere and for the life of me I can't find it anymore. The theme was questions to give to an asexual person to determine what sex meant to them and other things. Basically a checklist of important things to consider about being ace and what those meant for relationships. Does anyone know if something like this exists? I feel like this could help to better understand her experience.

[blaigorn]

I'm not sure there's a checklist, I think "labels" help somewhat, but they are so limited to capture the true essence of an individual. I think the best is talking between yourselves, about your experiences. Reading through other people experiences also help to gain empathy, or to put things in perspective, and it helped me a lot narrating to my wife what other people's struggles were, and comparing with our owns. It helped shape our mental reasoning, and for me and my wife to accept her asexuality.

 

There's this article about attitudes towards sex (specially the personal ones) that helped a ton for me: https://www.asexuality.org/?q=attitudes.html

There's also these definitions: https://www.asexuality.org/?q=general.html#def

 

I think it's good to see what resonates. But as I've said people change and experiences may vary enough to even fit into a label. From the small context I got from your thread, she might be sex-favorable, as in, she doesn't need or crave sex, but she seems to enjoy it with you and want it as part of your life. She probably has issues initiating it and tying sex as part of your intimacy. That's what I read from little context, you would know better, and you can discuss if she thinks it makes sense or not. Ultimately, labels only make sense if they make sense to the person being labeled.

 

[Olallieberry]

10 hours ago, cresting830 said:

Recently I've read a comment on here somewhere and for the life of me I can't find it anymore. The theme was questions to give to an asexual person to determine what sex meant to them and other things. Basically a checklist of important things to consider about being ace and what those meant for relationships. Does anyone know if something like this exists? I feel like this could help to better understand her experience.

Maybe you’re thinking of a relationship anarchy checklist? That’s the only thing which comes to mind for me.

 

 

[cresting830]

I didn't realize that it has already been over a month since my last post. I could copy and paste a good chunk of one of my previous posts since my wife caught another cold and we did our usual distancing thing while still getting together to cuddle a bit every day. Other things kept us busy and or apart and all of a sudden it had been about three weeks since our last intimate encounter.

We didn't talk about it due to the aforementioned circumstances it didn't feel like the right time. Recovery had a higher priority I suppose. A part of me would've still wished to talk about it but I wasn't going to push it.

We managed to find some time for us recently and I can't help but realize that something has fundamentally changed about us... I am yearning for her but even when we're together the yearning doesn't go away. I had hoped that it would just be my high libido saying "again again" but I'm afraid that it's not as simple. Even if it were that simple it would be a bit to much for her but I digress. I think something subconsciously clicked into place that said "yeah this is just for you". And man I will need time to unpack that... we've talked about her journaling for a while since she is great at creative writing so we figured during conversations it's hard for her to figure out what to say but if she had time it would be easier (I've obviously read this on here somewhere with letters). I've been quite besides myself for a while now and I'm not great at bottling this up and I think she's felt this today. I don't even quite recall what I did in particular I think I was short answered or didn't fully engage in a bit for connection. So today she sat down and wrote a little about how she perceived the lack of intimacy in the last couple weeks and gave it to me to read afterwards. I accidentally walked in on her writing and crying during but I was inbetween meetings and couldn't dedicate time to console her but left her with some sweet words. What she wrote in short is that she dreadfully missed every bit of intimacy that we usually share but specifically not the absence of sex. Even when we got together everything surrounding the sex left a bigger impression. She simply doesn't need it. She struggles with the implications of that but is slowly getting to accept it. I've spend a good chunk of my day processing and contemplating all of this and will do so for some time to come. The disparity between what I can do to fill her intimacy tank and what I would need to get mine filled is frankly... quite depressing. I feel like I have a leak somewhere... I'm rambling. Going is quite hard at the moment but we'll get somewhere one way or another.

I get that there isn't much here to jump onto to converse sorry about that. I felt like writing down my thoughts to maybe make me feel better.