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Becoming asexual


!zzy

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This is probably going to sound odd, misinformed, and downright blasphemous to a lot of you. Some of you might laugh it off, others might attack me, others still may pity me.

I am in a relationship with someone who thinks she may be asexual, and I'm fine with how things are for now; but, I'm worried that, since I'm sexual, there may be problems down the road. I don't know if or when they'll happen, but I still worry. However, I really really do love her, and would do just about anything to stay together. So, I pose a question, regardless of how ludicrous it may sound:

Are any of the forum-goers asexuals that were once sexual? If so, what caused you to become asexual? Is there any way (short of pills/castration or anything messy) to ease yourself into the mindset?

I know it probably sounds completely ridiculous, as well as potentially self-damaging. People have done worse (or better) before.

I'm a believer in the proponent of being able to psychologically alter oneself. Because of this, I think it's entirely feasible for someone who is sexual to essentially rewire themselves to become asexual. I know I'm opening up a can of worms with this post, but I want this as an option. I'm not trying to trivialize asexuality, nor am I ignoring how much of an impact it has on one's life. I just want to know as much as I can, I guess.

Even if there are asexuals that were former sexuals, I'm not saying that I plan to do this, or if I do, that I plan to anytime soon. I just want to have as many options available to resolving any future problems we may have.

Sorry to any I've offended, and I'm sorry for asking something so incredibly ridiculous of the community. Posting it in the Asexual forum as well, for as much feedback as possible.

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Do you think you'd be able to make yourself gay/straight with the power of the mind? Perhaps you will be able to repress yourself and 'become asexual' but I can't help you with that, since I wouldn't know how to go about it.

I do think that it won't be healthy though. Gah, don't do that to yourself! The power of the mind can be used for communication - use it for that first before you try and alter yourself mentally. :?

Although kudos for not trying to make *her* change. That shows a lot of love. :D Although, if she insists you change that's not great other. Try to grow together rather than one change to fit the other.

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I'm sure no one is offended. You sound like a real nice kid. But I don't think most people could make themselves asexual. You are what you're born with... You could try, but you might not succeed.

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Yes..you can alter your mindset on what you are..No one else seems to believe that either..everyone here bsides me thinks you can't change your orientation and that you're born with it. I personally, think that's not true. I agree that it's hard to change your mindset but it's possible. I've never tried becoming sexual since I'm mostly asexual but I don't want to. I'd say I became asexual because everyone around me talked about how great it was..so I started to get a grudge against the whole idea..and here I am. Anyway..I think it's possible for anyone to be who they want to be (orientationally and anything else) if they really really want to. It may be hard but..I don't agree with the thing of *being born with your orientation8 or anything like that..your not. *And I'm sure everyone else is offended but hey that's how I believe*

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I don't believe in being born with a orientation. Lots of it is the result of your upbringing experiences and so on.

I believe I was sexual in my 20s but seriously doubt still being it now. But that's only along AVEN terms.

I also have no idea if certain antidepressants did cause that or if sex is similar to the computer games I don't play anymore: Nice for a while but boring during eternity.

I can give no practical advice on rewiring yourself. If there are celibate communities online they might be able to give the advice you are seeking. Was it in your other thread where you mentioned being not ready for a sexual relationship again after the previous one? - That's something to build on.

Good luck. - Don't take the whole stuff too serious. I'll quit smoking soon since a local tax raise would hit me too hard for my taste. - I don't know what that means to me deep in my heart. I might start again when and where ever I earn 5 - 6 packs per hour. - So what will I bee after quiting? A non-smoker or just a poor loser and stubborn cheapskate?

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You can "become" asexual? I thought your sexual orientation is permanant.

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You can "become" asexual? I thought your sexual orientation is permanant.
This needs orientation as a known fact.

IMHO that doesn't match with human nature. - I frequently don't know what I want or really like. :oops:

So I assume I can't even talk about my orientation, I can only tell about my perception of it.

- Repulsed (and maybe other kinds that don't come to my mind too) asexuals can of course vary.

Next point: Whats about childhood? - Isn't everybody asexual during it? and only some people develop other orientations later?

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It's not..trust me

Nope.

No offense intended. On this topic, and on the argument that homosexuality is a choice as the hard-line Christians would like to assert, I trust the preponderance of scientific evidence.

Unfortunately, the topic has also become such a political football that the simple truth is somewhat eclipsed.

I don't think we need to resolve the issue of whether asexuality is due to nature or nurture either. What seems overwhelmingly true is that when asexual people reflect on their personal histories, we frequently find the evidence goes way back as far as we can remember. My opinion is that asexuality--as with other sexualities--is the result of some fusion of biological and environmental influences at an early--probably preverbal--stage.

The fact that some people--a very few--seem to be able to throw off a prior sexual orientation and adopt another is tangential with respect to the big picture. We just don't have reliable scientific proof that they were what they said they were and now are what they say they are, and we don't know to what extent they are under pressure to represent themselves as something other than what they are (formerly 'gay', now 'straight' fundamentalists for example). I am not challenging them as individuals, but I must challenge any sweeping generalizations which derive from these individual testimonials.

So, !zzy, back to your post. I also commend your willingness to think about becoming asexual because of your love for your partner, and like others above would urge you not to alter your body's physiology or chemistry with drugs or procedures or anything like that. Given your willingness to accommodate your partner, you might ask yourself how strong a sex drive you have (maybe it's not that big a deal?) and what options--other than trying deliberately to become asexual--might be on the table.

Thank you for your openness, and no, I am not feeling blasphemed or annoyed at all. On the contrary.not-tagged-smiley-12055.gif

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I'm a believer in the proponent of being able to psychologically alter oneself.

On this point, I agree strongly, with some qualification. But sexual attraction, and sexuality in general, has a potent physiological component, and there just isn't the evidence as with, say, phobias.

I know a lot about phobias, having had a really nasty decades-long one and beaten it completely. Phobias can seem all-consuming; they can be crippling. But with the right kind of therapy, they can be overcome, and it usually happens fast. I cannot imagine that any psychologist would disagree.

Whether we can choose to make dramatic changes in our psychological makeup depends, I believe, on what the underlying factors are, how old we were when they asserted themselves, what kind of help we get, what kind of community support we have, how determined we are and what pressures there are to change. An example would be: someone who has a paralyzing fear of driving over high bridges is offered the chance-of-a-lifetime dream job that requires crossing the Golden Gate bridge daily. High motivation, personal courage, professional help and hard work will usually lead to a stable recovery.

I just don't see it happening in the realm of sexual orientation, for many reasons. And a lot of us with minority orientations don't see it a problem.

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Well that was just my own beliefs..I'm not taking it form the christian point of view I'm taking it from my own experience and what I've heard. So..yeh

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I'll throw this out for your consideration: My wife was sexual and is currently non-sexual. She's not asexual, but from the outside, there's no way to tell the difference. Her non-sexuality is a result of childhood sexual abuse, the memories of which began to surface in the last five years. As a result of that, she's "off" sex (and any other form of physical intimacy) 99% of the time.

So, yes, some people who present as asexual didn't always feel that way. As in my wife's case, I don't believe that their asexuality is an orientation. For folks who are asexual by orientation, no, that's not something that changes.

-Chiaroscuro

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Ok. Let's throw away science. Science makes people close minded and makes people think that science proves everything. But it is not true or else everybody would have great health risks who are asexual. I think we should all give personal opinions and personal experiences and forget science.

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I am in a relationship with someone who thinks she may be asexual, and I'm fine with how things are for now; but, I'm worried that, since I'm sexual, there may be problems down the road. I don't know if or when they'll happen, but I still worry. However, I really really do love her, and would do just about anything to stay together. So, I pose a question, regardless of how ludicrous it may sound:

Are any of the forum-goers asexuals that were once sexual? If so, what caused you to become asexual? Is there any way (short of pills/castration or anything messy) to ease yourself into the mindset?)

You would actually consider getting rid of your ability to be sexually attracted to other people? That is so sad, I hardly know what to say.

I'm not sure you realize just how extreme your idea really is. Sure, you used lots of disclaimers, and said you're only considering it. But the fact that you would even consider it at all is a strong sign of some unhealthy tendencies.

To be emotionally healthy adults, we need to establish a sense of ourselves. We need to craft an identity that is separate from other people. In so doing, we take ownership of, and responsibility for, our bodies, our actions, our personalities, our livelihood, and our sexuality. This consistent identity is part of what psychologists refer to as a "centered" personality. By contrast, a person with no consistent identity can be easily manipulated or abused or subject to impulse (he may be, for example, an ideal candidate for membership in a cult, or some other kind of victimization. He may try to "remake" himself in order to fit in with a particular person or group).

Small children have no strong sense of a separate identity. In their minds, they essentially "share" the identlty of their parents and siblings. As they mature, they recognize their own innate traits and claim them, and build their identity around them. As they become adults, they recognize their needs, adjust to them, respect them, and do not try to get rid of them or ignore them.

A relationship that causes you to supress or destroy your sexual identity would almost universally be considered unhealthy and self-destructive.

Do you have a sense of yourself? Do you know who you are? Your willingness to even consider giving up your sexuality is evidence of a very weak sense of self, an undeveloped identity.

Dude, take your balls back. Get out of this relationship, until you are mature enough to stand on your own two feet.

I'm sorry for asking something so incredibly ridiculous of the community.

Nothing to add to that.

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Ok. Let's throw away science. Science makes people close minded and makes people think that science proves everything.

I agree completely... Science is getting to be something to fall back on nowadays and science is good proof and all but itcan't be perfect 100% of the time. Isn't it what everyone says "Nothing's perfect?" or can science back that one up to? If it can, everyones relying on science a little too much.

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Revenge of Rain

Like Icy_Scientist said, you can become in a way asexual. Or, some people can? Maybe everyone else is just too stiff.

K story time. Everyone here's all 'you're repressing yourself go fuck fuck fuck like you were born to!', and this is true, but for some people who are basically sexual, not all. We call these people celibates. There's another thing you can do though, aside from repression. You just stop reacting to things in a sexual way, and generally stop focusing on it. It's just like changing a habit (maybe it is just a habit).

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  • 2 years later...
I am in a relationship with someone who thinks she may be asexual, and I'm fine with how things are for now; but, I'm worried that, since I'm sexual, there may be problems down the road. I don't know if or when they'll happen, but I still worry. However, I really really do love her, and would do just about anything to stay together. So, I pose a question, regardless of how ludicrous it may sound:

Are any of the forum-goers asexuals that were once sexual? If so, what caused you to become asexual? Is there any way (short of pills/castration or anything messy) to ease yourself into the mindset?)

You would actually consider getting rid of your ability to be sexually attracted to other people? That is so sad, I hardly know what to say.

I'm not sure you realize just how extreme your idea really is. Sure, you used lots of disclaimers, and said you're only considering it. But the fact that you would even consider it at all is a strong sign of some unhealthy tendencies.

To be emotionally healthy adults, we need to establish a sense of ourselves. We need to craft an identity that is separate from other people. In so doing, we take ownership of, and responsibility for, our bodies, our actions, our personalities, our livelihood, and our sexuality. This consistent identity is part of what psychologists refer to as a "centered" personality. By contrast, a person with no consistent identity can be easily manipulated or abused or subject to impulse (he may be, for example, an ideal candidate for membership in a cult, or some other kind of victimization. He may try to "remake" himself in order to fit in with a particular person or group).

Small children have no strong sense of a separate identity. In their minds, they essentially "share" the identlty of their parents and siblings. As they mature, they recognize their own innate traits and claim them, and build their identity around them. As they become adults, they recognize their needs, adjust to them, respect them, and do not try to get rid of them or ignore them.

A relationship that causes you to supress or destroy your sexual identity would almost universally be considered unhealthy and self-destructive.

Do you have a sense of yourself? Do you know who you are? Your willingness to even consider giving up your sexuality is evidence of a very weak sense of self, an undeveloped identity.

Dude, take your balls back. Get out of this relationship, until you are mature enough to stand on your own two feet.

I'm sorry for asking something so incredibly ridiculous of the community.

Nothing to add to that.

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You would actually consider getting rid of your ability to be sexually attracted to other people? That is so sad, I hardly know what to say.

I'm not sure you realize just how extreme your idea really is. Sure, you used lots of disclaimers, and said you're only considering it. But the fact that you would even consider it at all is a strong sign of some unhealthy tendencies.

How is it that different from asexuals making themselves have sex to keep their partner happy?

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You would actually consider getting rid of your ability to be sexually attracted to other people? That is so sad, I hardly know what to say.

I'm not sure you realize just how extreme your idea really is. Sure, you used lots of disclaimers, and said you're only considering it. But the fact that you would even consider it at all is a strong sign of some unhealthy tendencies.

How is it that different from asexuals making themselves have sex to keep their partner happy?

Choose to have sex if you're asexual =/= become sexual.

Choose to be celibate if you're sexual =/= become asexual.

We all get to choose our behaviour; our identity... not so much.

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I have periods of being asexual and sexual, as an orientation means, I mean. Ie. it's not a permanent state, for me, but I think I may be pretty rare with that, from what I've observed.

However, it's completely unrelated to everything else, ie. to desire to have actually sex, to other issues in my life going with relationships, to PTSD I suffer from, etc. So really no advice there.

I think what is more worth is learning to live with the way you're wired. Changing it as 'whole' to me feels a bit unhealthy, even if I'm not saying impossible. Your inclinations go one way or the other not dependent on what you feel you 'should', and it's my gut feeling it's a bit better to listen to those inclinations than any rational explanations one would like to bestow on themselves.

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You would actually consider getting rid of your ability to be sexually attracted to other people? That is so sad, I hardly know what to say.

I'm not sure you realize just how extreme your idea really is. Sure, you used lots of disclaimers, and said you're only considering it. But the fact that you would even consider it at all is a strong sign of some unhealthy tendencies.

To be emotionally healthy adults, we need to establish a sense of ourselves. We need to craft an identity that is separate from other people. In so doing, we take ownership of, and responsibility for, our bodies, our actions, our personalities, our livelihood, and our sexuality. This consistent identity is part of what psychologists refer to as a "centered" personality. By contrast, a person with no consistent identity can be easily manipulated or abused or subject to impulse (he may be, for example, an ideal candidate for membership in a cult, or some other kind of victimization. He may try to "remake" himself in order to fit in with a particular person or group).

Small children have no strong sense of a separate identity. In their minds, they essentially "share" the identlty of their parents and siblings. As they mature, they recognize their own innate traits and claim them, and build their identity around them. As they become adults, they recognize their needs, adjust to them, respect them, and do not try to get rid of them or ignore them.

A relationship that causes you to supress or destroy your sexual identity would almost universally be considered unhealthy and self-destructive.

Do you have a sense of yourself? Do you know who you are? Your willingness to even consider giving up your sexuality is evidence of a very weak sense of self, an undeveloped identity.

Dude, take your balls back. Get out of this relationship, until you are mature enough to stand on your own two feet.

By promoting the idea 'becoming asexual' is very, very unhealthy, you're directly supporting the mindset that a lot of people of this forum try to get rid off. I'm not sure whether you realize this or not. I've said above I feel it being a 'bit' unhealthy option, but you've went imo way too far with assuming it's *outright* unhealthy and in every case. There's one thing to assume what 'feels' one way, and totally different thing to say it just *is* so, and it's almost having a status of a 'fact'.

I think your views are being very biased and you're putting your own judgment on others, backing your bias up with 'psychological theories'. You have to keep in mind while the theories are pretty valid and useful, the science of psychology is *still evolving*, and even the psychologists themselves developing those mental concepts are coming from some psycho-social and historical background that may limit their experience.

A lot of what is assumed about 'consciousness' as a whole is just people not looking on, or deliberately misinterpreting, the data presented from the samples of the groups that differ.

Let alone it's manipulative to ask suggestive questions indicating the person doesn't have a 'stable' sense of identity, as the undertone of the post went, and your statements you know what 'mature' is left me pretty baffled. The OP was just asking a question, you have no right to attack them as a person or assume anything about their developmental stage or lack thereof.

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Choose to have sex if you're asexual =/= become sexual.

Choose to be celibate if you're sexual =/= become asexual.

We all get to choose our behaviour; our identity... not so much.

I totally agree with this. I used to be sexual many years ago, and over the years due to having 2 children, abuse issues, medication and oh so many other factors, I now share many traits of an asexual. I have decided to identify as thus, on the basis that I do not have any desire for sex, and actually for the most part am repelled by sex/sexual acts.

What Olivier says is true, you can choose to be celibate but you will never be asexual. Whether or not you can bring yourself to live a life of celibacy is another matter.... I am pretty sure it isn't as easy as it sounds :(

Good luck in your journey, and may you find much happiness :cake:

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Choose to have sex if you're asexual =/= become sexual.

Choose to be celibate if you're sexual =/= become asexual.

We all get to choose our behaviour; our identity... not so much.

I totally agree with this. I used to be sexual many years ago, and over the years due to having 2 children, abuse issues, medication and oh so many other factors, I now share many traits of an asexual. I have decided to identify as thus, on the basis that I do not have any desire for sex, and actually for the most part am repelled by sex/sexual acts.

What Olivier says is true, you can choose to be celibate but you will never be asexual. Whether or not you can bring yourself to live a life of celibacy is another matter.... I am pretty sure it isn't as easy as it sounds :(

Good luck in your journey, and may you find much happiness :cake:

Isn't that Sexual Aversion Disorder?

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I have periods of being asexual and sexual, as an orientation means, I mean. Ie. it's not a permanent state, for me, but I think I may be pretty rare with that, from what I've observed.

However, it's completely unrelated to everything else, ie. to desire to have actually sex, to other issues in my life going with relationships, to PTSD I suffer from, etc. So really no advice there.

I think what is more worth is learning to live with the way you're wired. Changing it as 'whole' to me feels a bit unhealthy, even if I'm not saying impossible. Your inclinations go one way or the other not dependent on what you feel you 'should', and it's my gut feeling it's a bit better to listen to those inclinations than any rational explanations one would like to bestow on themselves.

I don't think he's saying he's going to change it, but rather, he's willing to give it up. I'm not sure its possible (short of damaging yourself - how I dont know because attraction has nothing to do with arousal so you cant just damage your parts) but it is a noble thought.

Who knows, maybe its possible?

I think a lot of people here spout the "GLBT" buzz words, or the "GLBT" catch phrases... and theories. Does it apply the same way? Who knows.

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Isn't that Sexual Aversion Disorder?

I wouldn't say so really, no.

(Quote)"According to the mental health professional's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders of the American Psychiatric Association, to meet criteria for a diagnosis of sexual aversion disorder the patient must not only avoid nearly all genital contact with his or her partner, but have strong negative feelings about such contact or its possibility. In addition, the problem must be causing serious difficulties and unhappiness either for the patient or for his or her partner. In addition, there must not be any underlying physical causes, such as certain disorders of the circulatory system, skin diseases, or similar problems that could cause a loss of desire. To be diagnosed with sexual aversion disorder, the affected person must indicate that he or she is actively avoiding genital contact."

As I am married to a sexual, and we do have sex... I am not actively avoiding contact, I just do not desire it... we compromise and all is (usually) well :) Therefore, now we are working a compromise, my lack of sexual desire does not cause serious difficulties to the relationship. I am generally only repulsed when sex (or implied sex) is "on display"...ie TV/advertisments/Movies etc... I see I didn't really make that clear in my original post, but as this thread isn't about determining my own sexuality (or lack thereof) I wasn't aware such an in depth explanation would be necessary :rolleyes:

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sexualwithasexual

I think its only natural to consider what it would be like to be asexual if you are sexual and find out that your partner is asexual. I went through that and still am. I'm very curious. This is because I want to know and understand my partner. I remember coming out to my mother. She wanted to know if maybe she was a lesbian. In fact, many straight friends went through the same thing. I think there is something very human and loving about this desire to know first hand, in a way, what the other side of an orientation is like. The OP never said they were actually considering a forced conversion. They said several times they are simply curious about the history of those who now identify as asexual. Its very interesting to me. Several posts indeed spoke to a "change" in orientation. But I'm guessing these "changes" are really simply a revealing of one's true nature. But I have to say, I have watched my sexuality morph over my life. Its certainly not a like having blue eyes! Its pretty fascinating to start to discover my culture driven sexual impulses. Its a journey I may have never taken had I not had an asexual partner.

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It just seems insane to me to have a dislike of, or an absence of need for, something be considered a "disorder." And of course it's going to cause problems if a sex-disliking asexual is partnered with a sex-desiring sexual -- duh! That doesn't mean it's a disorder on the part of the asexual, it just means it's a problem within the relationship.

Sorry, this was kind of off-topic I get pissed whenever I read anything about the DSM.

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I don't know if you can make yourself asexual, but you may be able to alter your mindset to get somewhat close to it. I've never been sexual, so I don't really know how.

Well... Maybe this will help. For a project for one of my classes, I had to follow the Buddhist precepts for a while. One of them is sexual immorality and every time a sexual feeling arose, we were supposed to realize its presence and let it go without acting on it. Being asexual, I had no problems with it, but maybe doing that will help you. Most feelings don't last very long -- usually you just have to recognize you are having them and let them go.

I hope this helps at least a little. Good luck with everything! I hope it works out well. Just make sure not to change yourself into something that you will not be happy being.

~Shenhua

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