Don't know what to do

[So frustrating]

I hope your wife will be happy and able to come round to your way of thinking. It's such a difficult situation to be in when you love someone completely, but they cannot feel the same way as you, as they are wired so differently. Still not sure which of the options are best for me. At this point all I want from my beloved is to talk to me, which I am still waiting for. I will be patient, but definitely not patient forever. If he cannot discuss compromise with me, and is not willing to allow me to get one particular met need elsewhere (and for me personally, I am genuinely happy for him to set any rules or boundaries that help him to feel comfortable), then we may need to consider splitting. It's quite funny, and an indication of how frustrated I get, that when enm was first mentioned I though of embarrassed naked male. Goes to show I am watching too much porn 😂 

[So frustrating]

Still waiting. I don't know if I should try and talk to him again. Or continue to wait patiently. Perhaps he is hoping I'll just forget about it? I caught myself fantasising about him again yesterday, I try not to do that as it's such a wind up. 

[Liara]

At the beginning of my relationship, when things were going weirder and I was feeling bad, not understanding what was happening, I wrote a letter to my partner. She read it and I waited her answer, something… and that never happened.

Just to say.

[AloneTogether]

If you are in any way like me I think if you base it on how you feel at the time it’ll always feel like not the right time. Then when you do eventually broach the subject again it’ll feel like you left it too long. 
 

My advice would be to think now about how much longer you think is fair to both of you and set a date with him about when you will talk to allow him time to prepare. 
 

It’s not fair to you to just leave it hanging indefinitely, but then nor is it fair to him to allow him to think it’ll all just go away if he ignores it hard enough. 
 

At some point silence can become deafening and can communicate as much or more than words ever could. 

[So frustrating]

Thanks for your response. I think I probably will push the issue, as the main point of the letter was to open up a dialogue. The minimum I expect from him is to be willing to discuss this with me. Beyond that I am not sure..... 

[cresting830]

I've been living with an avoidant partner for most of my life and it can be extremely difficult not to take offense. I don't know if your partner falls into this category and if it would help you in any way to figure it out. We've sat down plenty of time to understand each other better and while it is an ongoing struggle I feel what got the ball rolling was properly communicating that saying nothing and ignoring the problem doesn't make it go away and that this hurts me... truly. I also stated that when I communicate to her that I'd like to have a chat and the time isn't right at the moment for whatever reason which is valid since I don't want to ambush her. After I've made that need clear I expect her to come to me. Mileage on this may vary since everyone is different and some things may work and some don't.

 

Besides that I'm absolutely with @AloneTogether on this one. The problem that I had was that I've let go of the issues so many times that an expecation to let go was established and also if I don't bring it up again it might mean that the problem solved itself.

[So frustrating]

Thank you guys. I think I will tell him next week that I will expect to talk soon and ask him when would be best. I just want him to communicate with me. I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable but I also don't want to keep ignoring my needs and feelings. 

[Olallieberry]

Consider your needs and feelings about communication. This alone, regardless of what the original friction was, would be a deal breaker for me, if the partner were incapable or unwilling to communicate. Which includes listening, of course.

[Olallieberry]

8 hours ago, So frustrating said:

Perhaps he is hoping I'll just forget about it?

If it were me, I would absolutely express this out loud.

 

Not as an accusation, but just as a "you have to understand how it makes me feel when I try to communicate and then it seems to me like you're acting like it never happened."

[So frustrating]

You are so right, I have decided I will give him until Wednesday, one and a half weeks after my letter. This seems reasonable, as I did ask him in the letter to really take some time to think about it. Even if we talk and all that changes is I get more cuddles, I'll live with that. As long as he talks to me. 

[Older Player Amsterdam]

On 12/25/2024 at 11:56 AM, uhtred said:

@Liara is right.  You just have the 4 options, and open is already ruled out. Sounds like compromise won't work either. 

 

I've spend decades in a marriage to an asexual woman,  hoping things would get better.  They didn't, and its very unlikely they will get better for you.   Don't do what I did.  

 

I know the options are all bad but they really are all you have - and time won't improve things.  

 

Based on what you are saying, I think you should break up.  You are attracted to other people and some day you will give in to that attraction - and that will probably end up ending your relationship anyway, just in a messier way. 

 

There is nothing wrong with your wanting a relationship with an active passionate sex life.

Also in a decades long relationship with a wonderful asexual woman. I agree with this assessment. If he refuses to compromise or communicate and consider your needs then he is making a choice to end the mutually agreed relationship (whatever that was). My experience with an asexual partner of 32 years has been one of compromise on both parts and it has worked because we both chose love for each other everyday (except for 2 impasses and betrayals that very well almost ended our marriage 8 years in and 21 years in - lets call them really intense private negotiations with therapy). Now 29 years married we are considering opening our relationship to meet some of the needs we compromised. A good long term marriage between two very different people on the sexual spectrum is possible but it takes mutual work and sometimes I’m sure it isn’t possible to resolve those differences even with the 2 people willing to listen and compromise. 

[Older Player Amsterdam]

On 12/31/2024 at 4:38 AM, So frustrating said:

I am not sure what enf means

I think you’re referring to ENM which stands for Ethical Non Monogamy. It is one way of opening up the marriage to meet both your needs in an open and honest and safe way but it would require his full cooperation and 100% trust, clear communication, and solid boundaries and respect from BOTH of you. It doesn’t seem he is ready for whatever reason. 

[AloneTogether]

2 hours ago, So frustrating said:

You are so right, I have decided I will give him until Wednesday, one and a half weeks after my letter. This seems reasonable, as I did ask him in the letter to really take some time to think about it. Even if we talk and all that changes is I get more cuddles, I'll live with that. As long as he talks to me. 

That sounds good. Just make sure you have plenty of free, undisturbed time on Wednesday. You need to make sure neither of you are going to end up having to go to do something just when you’re on the verge of making a breakthrough of some kind. Also don’t expect that you’ll have this talk and everything will be resolved. It almost certainly won’t. You need to see this discussion as the start of an ongoing dialog that hopefully you can see some kind of progress towards a resolution. 
 

Sorry if I’m saying obvious stuff, but I know from experience that it can be a slow process, that doesn’t always necessarily progress with the forwards momentum we’re hope. My own experience is that sometimes we made no progress at all, or maybe even seemed to be going backwards at times, but the overall progress was forwards. 

[So frustrating]

Thank you guys so much for the advice. I am just going to say on Wednesday (which I chose as it's a non drinking day for us and neither of us will be drinking, and we have no other commitments) are you still thinking about the letter and need more time, or are you having trouble knowing how to start the conversation. Wish me luck guys fingers crossed 🤞 

[So frustrating]

I chickened it. Going to work up the courage to try again Saturday as I am not working and it's a non drinking day 

[Olallieberry]

Maybe put it in another letter if it's this hard to do face to face?

 

Or let him know, "On Saturday we have to talk."

 

He'll know what it's about.

[AloneTogether]

22 hours ago, So frustrating said:

I chickened it. Going to work up the courage to try again Saturday as I am not working and it's a non drinking day 

I know only too well how easy it is to chicken out. To think; now isn’t the right time, tomorrow would be better. Or, I’ll wait until

this situation or that situation has passed. 
 

Almost 32 years went by that way for me with too few, too short conversations that never reached any kind of conclusion, except the status quo never changed. 
 

it was only by grasping the nettle, starting the conversation with a determination to work towards some kind of progress and in our case couples counselling that anything has changed. None of the conversations were as hard as I thought they were going to be, and each subsequent conversation has been a little bit easier and easier to approach. 
 

If you want to see some kind of change, whatever that may end up being then you need to be the one to initiate and maintain that momentum. 
 

I know it’s hard, but however hard it is at the time, looking back on 32 years of missed opportunity is harder. I occasionally mentally beat myself up for having left it so long, but there’s no point. You can’t change the past, you can only change in the present so the future can be a different one. 
 

i encourage you not to let too many opportunities pass. Brace yourself and rip off the plaster. 

[So frustrating]

I ripped off the plaster last night. Courage backed up by a couple of glasses. Didn't go brilliantly, he clearly found it unbearably uncomfortable. But we have in theory an acknowledgement that we want to find a compromise and if we can't, opening up is an option. So far the only parameter I have been told is that if it happens, he doesn't want to know. We have agreed that sober conversation is better, and that we will set aside Saturday to talk more. Last night I asked if he would cuddle me to sleep, and he did. It was lovely. 

[AloneTogether]

2 hours ago, So frustrating said:

I ripped off the plaster last night. Courage backed up by a couple of glasses. Didn't go brilliantly, he clearly found it unbearably uncomfortable. But we have in theory an acknowledgement that we want to find a compromise and if we can't, opening up is an option. So far the only parameter I have been told is that if it happens, he doesn't want to know. We have agreed that sober conversation is better, and that we will set aside Saturday to talk more. Last night I asked if he would cuddle me to sleep, and he did. It was lovely. 

I’m so please. You’ve taken the first step. As I said above I’ve found each subsequent step that little bit easier for me and I believe for my wife too. I hope you have the same experience. 
 

Remember that it’s likely to take some time and a number of discussions. There is unlikely to be smooth continuous progress. There will likely be times when you think things have stalled, probably times when you feel like you’ve moved backwards, but try to look at the overall arc of the journey and not get caught up in temporary blips on the way. 
 

good luck 

[So frustrating]

Thank you 😊 

It helps so much to hear from others going through the same. I love this man so much, I just hope we can find a way through 

[So frustrating]

So we talked today. Cue much squirming from him. He was clearly so uncomfortable, but he did communicate with me. We both talked and both listened. We have decided for the foreseeable future, sex is completely off the table from my point of view, but he wants the flexibility to initiate sex if he feels he wants it. He has found himself reluctant to be physically affectionate in case it creates expectation, and he feels both non sexual and potentially sexual touching would be more desired by him if he feels free of pressure. So this is what we will try. We also again agreed opening up would be possible if what we are trying now doesn't help. Some progress I think 🤔 

[So frustrating]

He's definitely been more cuddly since we had the chat. Small things but making a real difference for me. 

[Liara]

Happy for you!

[So frustrating]

Thanks Liara. I am going to try not to do the open up option, as though he is prepared to consider it I think he would find it really difficult. Though of course going without sex is really difficult for me. But maybe there will be some more now he hopefully feels the pressure is off. And I'm certainly loving the extra cuddles 

[Liara]

I hope for you you’ll be able to find some balance, something which can work for both of you. And that the extra cuddles will not be temporary.