Obvious all along

[Anotherday2]

Thank you so much to everyone not just in this thread but throughout the whole site, it is such a valuable resource.

I came across AVEN last night although I was very much aware of asexuality but my search was generated as a result of my wife and partner of 32 years stating that she was asexual last night. As a very sexual person I have existed within a sexless relationship thinking that perhaps she was having an affair, did not love me or was gay.
Stating her orientation as asexual whilst it is something I respect fully, I cannot articulate the devastation that I feel as it is a statement that was really quite obvious all along, clearly we have both been living in denial. All the myriad and multitude of discussions and efforts to change the sexual dynamics in our relationship were quite clearly doomed to be unsuccessful.

 The rejection, isolation, loneliness, humiliation etc I have felt all these years whilst palpable is nothing compared to what I feel now. I remain hopelessly in love with her but the reality of us being not aligned and with no way to become so, well the pain has broken me.
I have always viewed her as my life partner, “till death do us part” so as I write this I see two options:

1. Divorce which negates all the sacrifice along the way.

2. To rid myself permanently of the stupidity, shame and pain I feel.

 

A sexual person should no more be expected to acquiesce or compromise any more than an asexual person should. Change even if it is hoped for in my experience does not come and it is unfair to ask. If only this forum and the orientation asexuality was available in 1992 it could have saved a lifetime of grief.

[daraddishman]

Are you content without sex? Can you be for the rest of your life or your spouse's life?

 

If the answer is yes, then option 2 is a lot of therapy, both for you and as a couple.

 

If the answer is no, then the relationship has to change or end.

 

I know for me finding out my partner was asexual was a very painful relief. It entirely recontextualized our relationship, and changed how I feel going forward. I still have to deal with the fallout of years of feeling unattractive, unworthy, frustrated, and a huge well of bone deep loneliness. That is doable. Also have to deal with the new relationship dynamic, that is complicated. But at least there is something happening, it's not a void.

 

Best of luck.

[Olallieberry]

There are other options which people in this kind of mis-matched marriage pursue. I'm not going to try to tell you to consider any of them: You seem pretty clear in your mind about what this means for you. You need to be out of this marriage.

 

Don't consider option 2. I'm reading between the lines but the only way I can see it as being different from option 1 is if you were to end the marriage anyway, same as option 1, but do it by ending everything. Don't do this. If you didn't mean that as a dark joke, and it's actually something you're thinking about, get help.

 

Regarding option 1:

You can't allow the "past sacrifice" to dictate your thinking about this now. That was then, today is today. You have different knowledge/facts than you did for the last 32 years. If you can't abide, then yeah, just do it - end the marriage if you can't find a way to abide in it.

 

I'm not sure how/why you were able to abide in it back when you thought:

She's gay.
She's cheating.
She doesn't love you.

 

Any of those things would have driven some other people to have divorced already. But you stuck with it through those. I know you say you have stronger feelings about asexuality than you did about any of those things, but doesn't that simply increase your resolve?

 

It can and it will get better. Even if you have to do something now which is harder and more painful than you've ever dared before, breaking up hurts a lot but only for a while. Staying together has already hurt a lot and could only continue. Option 2 can make it stop but only at the expense of absolutely everything, forever, including the relief you can and will find by daring to take option 1.

[yrms]

I highly resonate with the title: "Obvious all along." I have also been married to my wife for 21 years, and within the last few weeks, all sorts of puzzle pieces began falling into place. The only possible conclusion is that my wife is ace. I reasoned it out, considered every alternative explanation, and nothing else adds up the way ace does. I have 22+ years of first hand experience (data) which I can examine and use to rule out most excuses for sex not happening. For example, if she was gay, then her sex drive would be fine just directed elsewhere. It's not. If she were angry, she wouldn't be a sweet loving caring wife and mother. She's not angry. These could be the best (yet disproven) arguments. Every other possible explanation falls way short of being a reasonable conclusion for our sexless marriage.

 

So I found myself asking the same questions many others here are asking. Should I accept the fact that I'm never again having sex with my wife and remain in a sexless marriage? I came to the conclusion that for me, the answer is "Yes." Every relationship and life story is different. In my case, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to divorce my wife other than being in a sexless marriage. That just isn't a good enough reason for me to end my marriage. Every spouse has their unique character traits. I bet other women have a hot temper or are poor at managing money or less supportive than my wife is to me and our children.

 

I know what you're thinking: "But sex is different because our bodies crave physical touch, and we desire to connect with another human being in a way that is unlike any other way to connect." I get it. I want that too, but I can't have everything I want. We get what we need, and we get what we deserve. If your spouse had an incurable medical condition would you divorce her? What about an illness or injury that robbed her of her ability to have sex, would you divorce her? How about a physical disability that prevented you from engaging in certain activities you used to enjoy, would you divorce her? We all have limits placed on our lives and I believe those limits did not come about by accident.

 

Sometimes we find ourselves comparing our life situation with our neighbors. If only we were as financially well off as they appear to be. Or perhaps we wanted more children but we couldn't conceive successfully. We are all (hopefully) wise enough to know that although some of our neighbors may have more financial security than we do, they likely have other problems we will never have to deal with. In my marriage, my wife and I had no difficulties conceiving or bringing those pregnancies to term, but a majority of our friends and acquaintances have suffered having to go through emotionally and financially draining IVF. My wife and I were completely absolved of that life challenge unlike so many others around us.

 

If you asked me if I could go back and choose a sexually voracious wife with an inability to have children, I would stay right here with the woman I married.