Still confused!

[Apophenia]

Hi again. Thanks for the welcome here. I've been reading posts all morning and I'm still confused about my own sexuality. It really stinks to not understand if I just lack sex drive, have a non-existant one, or if.. hell whatever it could be. Maybe I'm just more sexed by my dreams. But I feel like I could maybe be both for some reason. I'm really screwed up.

I've expierenced arousal in all forms. I hate giving it (I do feel a strong desire to 'be close' and please someone without sex)and sometimes I just want it because the way my body reacts. I do get 'turned on' if I'm being touched a certain way. I do not have a healthy relationship with hb, we argue too much. Maybe I'm sexually repressed because I'd rather have sex in my dreams that in reality. It's never with just one person or one sex either. So many factors play into this. But I am not turned on at all by anyone's looks. I get turned on by the way I think that person can make me feel. I am turned OFF at the sight of either sexs' genitals.

At my age I never thought I'd be questioning my sexuality. What does this mean? Does it mean I am with the wrong person? The big thing is that I have only expierenced desire, arousal, and major sexuality under the influence. NOT with one person and NOT with one sex. This, I feel, is what tears at me. How screwed up am I? If you have any questions that may help me find my own answer, I'm open to anything. This is the first time I have ever revealed any of this. Thanks

I would like to quote someone on stating that I'm "highly sensual.. .not sexual".

What is the difference to you if there is one? Is this considered the 'norm' in any sexuality?

[John Bayko]

I don't know if it'll help, but here's some of my thoughts on aspects of sexuality.

There's physical arousal, which is the enjoyable sexual feelings in response to physical sensations, or hormones, or state of mind. Generally what happens during masturbation. Some people just don't have this, and that may be caused by a medical problem (or medication), but it can also be just not there.

There's a general mental association of certain things with sex that can cause arousal, which seems to be instinctive, rather than learned - though it can be modified by good or bad experiences. For example, feminine features are arousing to most men, and masculine features to most women, but sometimes this instinct is reversed in the case of homosexuality. Sometimes these associations can be absent - it could be subconscious suppression from negative experiences, or maybe that part of the brain just never worked that way.

I think fetishes work at that level too.

Finding someone sexy is not the same as wanting to have sex with them, and part of sexuality is the decision of who to have sex with. Generally, this means genuinely liking someone - or maybe initially, the things associated with that person (job, hobbies, accomplishments, personality). This is more of a romantic attachment, but for sexual people that sort of closeness enables sexual expression - to not have that expression as part of it makes that sort of romantic attachment feel false or not real for them, even if they know better intellectually. Some people just don't feel that sort of attachment though, so don't feel the drive to have sex with anyone.

Attitude towards sex itself is also important, and someone who is fixated on the messiness, irrationality, embarassing appearance, animal-like actions, or moral implications of sex can supress other sexual desires and be asexual. The act of sex must be felt to be acceptible by someone in order to want it. It doesn't have to be entirely acceptable - many people in this situation "give in" in a moment of weakness when they do have a negative attitude, but still feel it's acceptable deeper inside.

I think all four of these have to be true for someone to be sexual, any one is enough to make someone asexual - or often a combination. I think this is also partly why asexuality is complicated - with four possible "causes", that makes 16 different kinds of asexual people.

It kind of seems to me that you're affected by the third aspect, and maybe it's specifically regarding one person. That being said, it also sounds like you have more than that one problem with him - more like those other problems are causing this one. But that's only a guess I'm afraid.

[jr1]

honesty helps anxiety

[Apophenia]

I don't know if it'll help, but here's some of my thoughts on aspects of sexuality.

I think fetishes work at that level too.

Finding someone sexy is not the same as wanting to have sex with them, and part of sexuality is the decision of who to have sex with. Generally, this means genuinely liking someone - or maybe initially, the things associated with that person (job, hobbies, accomplishments, personality). This is more of a romantic attachment, but for sexual people that sort of closeness enables sexual expression - to not have that expression as part of it makes that sort of romantic attachment feel false or not real for them, even if they know better intellectually. Some people just don't feel that sort of attachment though, so don't feel the drive to have sex with anyone.

It kind of seems to me that you're affected by the third aspect, and maybe it's specifically regarding one person. That being said, it also sounds like you have more than that one problem with him - more like those other problems are causing this one. But that's only a guess I'm afraid.

I think I understand and have to agree with this. Before today I probably would not have understood, but I had an expierence. I was reading a post from the person who first explained what asexuality is to me, and I found myself being attracted to this person. I started thinking, what would this person be like if we met? I wanted to hear more of them, to know everything they would tell me. I don't even know them, but felt a 'bond' with them (even though I know it couldn't be mutual). I do crave this same affection from my husband. And you are exactly right, I do not get this from him. Actually, until now, I never realized that this is what I wanted from all the relationships I have been in. My initial interest in my hb was that he was a big man. I felt that with his arms around me, I would be safe. He was smart and I needed my equal. I had just come out of a bad relationship, so I was looking for stability. He doesn't offer any of these anymore (We sleep in seperate rooms, too!)and I feel that this is what makes me believe I am asexual. I need him by me, to hold & comfort me. I need him to be understanding and affectionate. Without the urge to grope me or use sex talk. He does this so often and I've told him time and time again that it turns me off. His actions pushed me further away.

So maybe I do suffer from the common marriage problem syndrome, but I know I also live an asexual life. Thank you for sharing your aspects on sexuality. I'm not sure if I truly understood what you were trying to say, but it made alot of sense to me. :)