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Hard times now - better times ahead


Olivier

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Since discovering AVEN not so very long ago, I've certainly been able to come to grips much better with the dynamics of my marriage, as it is clear my wife is asexual, and the experiences of others here in asexual/sexual relationships have thrown much light on our own.

But sometimes that light shines into corners that were pretty hidden away. Armed with new insights, my wife and I have been able to honestly discuss a few things about our relationship that had previously been in the too-hard basket, and some of them have given me a bit of a shock.

I don't really want to go into details, other than to say that my misreading of certain situations caused my wife great distress, which for her own reasons she preferred to keep hidden, even from me. In short, she thought that I could see her distress, but didn't care, while I thought that my behaviour at certain times past had caused annoyance, rather than deep hurt.

Now that hurt is out in the open, and I wish with all my being that I could go back and undo it. My only consolation is that now that we understand each other (and ourselves) better, we can be sure we will never again let ourselves get into the same situation, or anything remotely like it.

I'm sure the fallout from all this will be positive - after all we've identified and banished a truly negative aspect of our relationship. But right now it's hard not to feel daunted by the enormous time and effort it will take to rebuild the trust lost as a result of our misunderstanding.

I'm not sure if we need any help - having finally identified the problem the solution is perfectly clear to us, and probably not clear at all to you without being told the gory details! - but I just wanted to share with you what the new understanding we've gained from AVEN has helped us achieve, even if right now that doesn't feel so good.

It's like we've been able to cut out a cancer, but without the benefits of anaesthetic.

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Well... that's good to hear. Hope it all works out for you. Let us know how stuff goes.

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Boy. To have been able to get such a topic out in the open, and actually achieve understanding, and agree to rebuildL is a huge accomplishment for you both. May both of you find peace and joy in the journey.

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