Childfree / childless asexuals

[Guest]

Any childfree / childless people here?

[Philip027]

Pretty much.  Even if I wanted kids, my spouse is trans, so they will basically never happen anyway.

[everywhere and nowhere]

I think that a large proportion of asexuals don't have children: we are much more likely than allosexual people to be unmarried and unpartnered, also - contrary to assumptions about "compromise sex" - most self-aware asexuals haven't had sex...

I never wanted to have children, but I don't like the word "childfree" because it sounds like children are something bad. I'm absolutely not "pro-reproduction" - because I believe that exclusively people who clearly want to have children should have them; children are not a plaster for a failing relationship and a child will almost always, sooner or later, bear consequences of not having been fully wanted. But I'm "pro-children" in the sense that I oppose, for example, the idea of "childfree restaurants", I oppose all ideas of limiting children's presence in the public space. (Has anyone heard of "Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhof Zoo" by Christiane F.? I don't think that it was ever as known in the USA, for example, as in Germany and Poland... It's a memoir of a teenage heroin addict from West Berlin, and I've come to, unexpectedly, read it from a perspective of urban planning. It also tells of Christiane's life before she started using drugs and her account of life in the Gropiusstadt neighbourhood was striking to me - the place was extremely unfriendly to children, children were not allowed to play hide and seek, because neighbours complained about them making noise, when children were sledging down a small hill, it was rendered unusable, because, again, neighbours complained about noise... I believe that this part of the book has a lot to do with why Christiane started using dangerous drugs: in such places being a child didn't bring emotional benefits, so children rather tried to move into the category of "youth" as soon as possible and, unfortunately, entered bad company.) I never wanted to have children, but I, first of all, respect them.

But indeed, I never wanted to be a parent. When I was five years old, I could already read and so, when I asked "where do babies come from?", my mom gave me two books aimed at explaining reproduction to (slightly older) children. And the idea of pregnancy and childbirth freaked me out so much, that I decided never to have children. 38 years have passed since then and I never changed my mind.

On top of that, I have other reasons for not being a parent or being unlikely to become a parent:

• I don't consider myself aromantic, but I genuinely have no idea how to form relationships and, consequently, zero relationship experience. It's anyway not on top of my priority list... my love expresses itself first of all in the form of what I call "nonpersonal love" - love for phenomena, ideas... I don't know if I could ever actually function in a relationship and it doesn't make me unhappy.
• I have never had sex and I'm sex-averse, not open to sex to any extent.
• Due to my nudity aversion, I'm extremely repulsed and terrified by a certain medical specialisation starting with the letter G. I'm not an unhappy person, I feel like my passions protect me from depression - and yet I feel that I would literally rather die than undergo this kind of examination.
• I'm also autistic and therefore just not the kind of person who should be a parent.

Given all these factors, having children was never even something I would consider. Practically speaking, I could be infertile and never even learn about it, because I will never be in "reproductive situations"...

[asexualien]

I don’t want kids. I can’t really stand them. The overstimulation by simply even being around them is too much. I’d be a terrible parent anyways. 

[Jade Cross Lord Of Toys]

As an asexual, who grew up, not only seeing a considerable number of divorce cases, and all the drama that caused, especialy when children were part of the situation, but also my own parents telling me they regretted that I was born as they never really wanted to have kids or even get married, and only did it to play the game of status quo and social acceptance; I have more than enough evidence on its own, in addition to my own thoughts and feelings about the matter

 

And, as if that wasnt enough, I have no inclination towards relationships or sex. I feel no need for belonging, and Ive been called a monster for my way of being, continously for years.

 

I would have to be forced (to not say the R word) in order for a kid to come out

[Sister Mercurial]

Never wanted kids.  There are so many more interesting things to do with one's time.  The idea of hormones rewiring one's brain to make one value a creature that takes 24/7 menial drudgery and gives out horrible noise/mess/smells is like something out of a dystopia.  That's why I had my tubes tied.  

[Rynn]

Yeah, the majority of aces are like that. 2019 ace community survey summary report:

 

[m38]

i never wanted kids, mostly because i'm terrified and annoyed with these creatures.

 

if others wanna have kids, please go on. just don't ask me to watch over them or play with them.

my brother once asked me to do this while he went to the store, and he came back just to see his kid lying on the floor screaming their head off, and me on verge of meltdown hiding under bed. i'd be a terrible parent for sure lol.

[frolicbrain]

I always knew I didn't want to raise kids/people, even when I was still a child. Every experience I had taking care of children reaffirmed that idea. So I got a vasectomy at the age of 24. However, I enjoy interacting with kids in educational settings. I prefer teaching/supporting children over adults, with pre-teens being my favorites, hehe.

[Archer12]

Me.

[VanishingLady]

I'm childfree. I always knew that I would never get married, nor have children (I would only have them in wedlock). Even as a child, I knew neither of those things would happen.

 

Looking at my parents' marriage, my sister's marriage (she's the primary breadwinner because her husband won't work - every time he gets an opportunity, he finds some excuse not to do it), and other marriages around me, no thank you. Also, having been a rejected child, there's no way in Hell I would bring a child I know I don't want into this world. No child deserves what I went through.

 

I don't hate kids, though. In fact, I like kids a lot, and they like me back. The thing that I hate is that people assume that just because I don't have kids, I don't have any childcare experience or I hate them. I distance myself from other childfree people because of the dehumanizing language they use about parents and children ("crotch fruit", the very racist "breeder", etc). If you want children, by all means, have them - just don't give me shit about my choices. 

[Purple Red Panda]

I'm 44 and never seriously considered becoming a parent. I find children a bit baffling anyway and I don't think I'd have made a great parent even if I wanted kids.

[Eutierria]

4 hours ago, DariaDaria said:

Any childfree / childless people here?

Yup - childfree. 

 

Was responsible for looking after siblings & cousins whilst I was still a child, then volunteered within children services & also worked with children in nurseries & schools. 

 

Open to changing my mind later but would take a lot of factors to be in place. 

[daveb]

I never wanted kids, never had the opportunity to create kids, and I will remain child-free. While I sometimes wonder what it might have been like, especially when I see good child/parent relationship, I don't have any regrets.

[Meowbah]

6 hours ago, DariaDaria said:

Any childfree / childless people here?

yes, pretty much everyone here is.. it's called ASEXUALITY.. how do u think kids form lmao

[Frameshift07]

20 minutes ago, Meowbah said:

yes, pretty much everyone here is.. it's called ASEXUALITY.. how do u think kids form lmao

A. Condescending.

B. There is such thing as adoption and IVF.

C. Asexuality typically means no desire for sex, it doesn't exclusively mean sex-averse. An asexual person who puts up with sex for the sake of having children or keeping a sexual partner from leaving them isn't banished from using the asexual label.

[damiel]

👋

[Guest]

I noticed that I have special emotion in my brain when I see children, especially babies. I think there is no terminology to say what kind of emotion it is. It's like a mix of repulsion or psychological rejection and expectation of danger. Can't find the word among terminology. 

I'm a childfree. And I'm happy that I am a childfree 😉😇

[Eutierria]

1 hour ago, DariaDaria said:

I noticed that I have special emotion in my brain when I see children, especially babies. I think there is no terminology to say what kind of emotion it is. It's like a mix of repulsion or psychological rejection and expectation of danger. Can't find the word among terminology. 

I was nodding along...then shook my head 😂 I have a feeling I don't know how to describe except it's quite different from your response & goes something like "OMYGAD your face so chubby, I wanna (gently) squish your chubby cheeks! Your arms! Look at your arms!" *Picks up & smoosh-cuddles (with consent from parents).

 

If I'm in work mode, that might be happening in the background of my mind but it doesn't really show in person. 

 

Still prefer being childfree though. 

 

Looking after children is hard - they don't have the tools to self-regulate so as the adult, you need to have (or appear to have) your ish together in front of them until they're old enough to understand that's it's OK not to. Different stages of their lives requires a different version of you - the brain being constantly 'on' for this can feel somewhat suffocating sometimes. Being a parent is a massive responsibility - I don't think it's the right route for me & glad my life didn't go down the template route of marriage-house-children. 

[Picklethewickle]

I have no urge to have children, and no real thoughts about how to raise one.

 

Seeing a child is like seeing any other person, simply one that is smaller and less experienced and less independent than an adult. A child isn't good or bad, they are just a person. They deserve to have space to exist, and to have their needs met as much as any other person.

[daveb]

There are aces who have children. There are also aces who want/ed children. Being ace doesn't preclude people from having children or wanting them (even if it means having sex in order to conceive; and there are other ways to have children, such as IVF or adoption). 

[Skycaptain]

Childfree and no plans on changing that. Both my partner and I are getting a bit old for bringing kidlets into the world anyway 

 

Two purry "furchildren" make up for it, though

[Guest]

12 hours ago, DariaDaria said:

I noticed that I have special emotion in my brain when I see children, especially babies. I think there is no terminology to say what kind of emotion it is. It's like a mix of repulsion or psychological rejection and expectation of danger. Can't find the word among terminology. 

I'm a childfree. And I'm happy that I am a childfree 😉😇

It seems to me that most emotions are some kind of spectrum from biological to social and of different intensity. My feelings are somewhere between biological and social... Difficult to explain.

[Jelle]

I don't have children on my own, but I have a grown up stepson. I prefer that. I like kids, but taking care of a newborn seems a bit too much for me.

[Skycaptain]

10 hours ago, J. van Deijck said:

I don't have children on my own, but I have a grown up stepson. I prefer that. I like kids, but taking care of a newborn seems a bit too much for me.

Definition of a baby

 

"An insatiable appetite at one end, and no sense of responsibility at the other"

 

That quote was from a USA president who used it to insult Russia 

[coyote55]

I've always been good with kids, and one of the mysteries of my life is how consistent that has been - from the little Gen X guys I chased around my summer camp, when I was only a few years older than they were, to my 9yo grand godson and his friends now. (I guess they're called Generation Alpha). I saw myself as a future father when I was young, but had figured out by my mid-30s that I wasn't cut out for romance or marriage. Then too, I never thought it would be an option to adopt a kid on my own as a single man in those days. My income was also limited, and I didn't think I could afford to have kids without a second income in the household. In short: No marriage, no kids. This is one of the few instances where I wish I had been born a few decades later, when attitudes about non-traditional families had eased. 

 

Even without kids of my own, I consider the role I've played in the lives of my nephews, godsons, and their children to be the biggest reward of my life. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

On 12/2/2024 at 7:13 PM, Frameshift07 said:

C. Asexuality typically means no desire for sex, it doesn't exclusively mean sex-averse. An asexual person who puts up with sex for the sake of having children or keeping a sexual partner from leaving them isn't banished from using the asexual label.

I absolutely understand your correction and @Meowbah's wording did sound flippant. But still I can't also fully agree with you. Of course having had sex doesn't banish everyone from the asexual label, but there are still reasons to mention sexually active asexuals a little less:

1. It is absolutely possible to have biological children without sex, and even without complicated medical procedures. Insemination can be done even at home and has a slightly lower success rate, but is by no means hopeless. (After all... even if it appears striking to everyone who hears about so many unwanted pregnancies - including myself - actually, getting pregnant is not so easy. With every method of reproduction - "natural", medically assisted, "DIY" assisted reproduction without sex - miscarriages are still fairly common. Actually, many miscarriages happen so early that the woman doesn't even realise that the fertilisation happened in the first place, it just seems like a slightly late menstruation... At least I can be sure that, as someone who has never had sex and could never do it, I personally haven't brushed against the risk of getting pregnant...) And asexual prospective parents who happen to be sex-averse need reassurance that they don't have to endure sex.
2. No, it's not like I think that "compromise sex" is literally being actively "promoted". But too often it seems perceived as a default solution. This creates a lot of unsafe pressure on sex-averse asexuals. Asexuals who just dread the idea of having sex aren't being bad partners, they are just sex-averse. Humans are so infinitely diverse that being terrified and/or disgusted by sex is no less normal, acceptable and a necessary part of human diversity than loving sex. Sex-averse asexuals are a highly vulneable group and they shouldn't be living in a socio-psychological atmosphere which makes sexual activity seem inevitable.

[everywhere and nowhere]

12 hours ago, Skycaptain said:

Definition of a baby

 

"An insatiable appetite at one end, and no sense of responsibility at the other"

 

That quote was from a USA president who used it to insult Russia 

I prefer this phrase being used to refer to russia than to children. You can't demand adult responsibility from a highly immature child. And you absolutely should demand responsibility and respect for international law from a state which doesn't even "just exist", but keeps shouting what a superpower it is.

The biggest country in the world which doesn't even know what to do with its territory (public services in the russian glubinka, or provincial areas, usually range from pretty bad to non-existent... I could go on even longer about how, for example, in Yakutsk there are 70 km to the nearest bridge and people can legally cross the river on ice, but still drown every year when the ice is too thin... but that would be too much of an offtopic) - and still wants more. Disgusting.

[Guest]

On 12/2/2024 at 2:04 PM, Lord Jade Cross said:

I was born as they never really wanted to have kids or even get married, and only did it to play the game of status quo and social acceptance; I have more than enough evidence on its own, in addition to my own thoughts and feelings about the matter

 

And, as if that wasnt enough, I have no inclination towards relationships or sex. I feel no need for belonging, and Ive been called a monster for my way of being, continously for years.

 

I would have to be forced (to not say the R word) in order for a kid to come out

You can be Asexual and have some post psychological trauma disorder, CPTSD,  for example. That's why I usually think that Asexual childfree / childless people need more support and protection. And those of us who have kids, but hate their life because of parenthood. It usually wasn't 'free will choice' for such groups of people.

[Jade Cross Lord Of Toys]

2 hours ago, DariaDaria said:

You can be Asexual and have some post psychological trauma disorder, CPTSD,  for example. That's why I usually think that Asexual childfree / childless people need more support and protection. And those of us who have kids, but hate their life because of parenthood. It usually wasn't 'free will choice' for such groups of people.

While I agree that asexuals can have trauma disorders, it can often feel like people take that route and twist it into a form of claiming that asexuality doesnt exist and that its all just trauma issues, that if somehow got resolved, it would lead a person to not being asexual

 

Part of the evidence I spoke of comes from my years of trying therapy. While sex was not discussed, relationships did come up in conversation and the response I got, from different therapists, when I would tell them that I did not like to be around others and that it made me feel highly uncomfortable, especially since I have a history of being bullied was always that I had to be around people so I might as well just do it because eventually that sense of uncomfortableness would just go away, or more specifically "its just normal to want to be around others" in directly telling me that I was abnormal for not wanting to do it, which was the same line used when I would be called a monster; because only monsters didnt like people

 

As for free will choice for those who are parents and hate it, I have to disagree with the idea that they didnt have a choice in the manner; you always have one. That you choose to bend your knee to social pressure is a different thing.

 

Unless everyone who is a parent, and hates it, tells me something outrageous such as a gun was pointed at their heads and they were told that either they got married or they would get their brains blown out or something terrible would happen to their own families, I could understand.

 

The closest thing to that was the popularly coined term "shotgun weddings" and I doubt that, that was enforced universally, which was something that was done when a child was already underway in the mix. And even then, you had the choice of not having sex to prevent the pregnancy that would have gotten you in the situation in the first place

 

It seemed that alot of the rules parents made and the warnings would go out the window the second their child actually followed it. And I say that with full confidence, because it happened to me.

 

My parents made sure they presented sex in the most absolute horrible way for years, in addition to all the negative ways sex, was already presented in general.  However, the second I told them "Im not interested in sex" when they thought it was time to have "the talk" all of the sudden they were pissed scared about my reaction.

 

I still recall my fathers complete shock and disbelief when I told with, without stuttering, without reservation, that sex was not important to me and I didnt care to hear about it.

 

That was the first of many years that they spent trying to push me to have sex and relationships, throwing any and all "reasons" from "its normal" to "who will care for you when youre older if you never get with anyone?" to outright angry remarks about how "I need a grandchild. What are you waiting for to give me one!?"

 

So social pressure is not an excuse to justify having sex or having kids and then hating the fact you did.

 

I knew a schoolmate who got pregnant at 17. Her mother told her, point blank, "you fucked up, you have to take responsibility now" and she did not help her daughter one bit with the raising of the kid. The mother said she had to learn the ramifications of her actions. And she did.

 

That girl had to bust her ass working and half the time, she hated it. She would never say it out loud, but she wanted nothing more than to go party with her friends, find a boyfriend, etc. But her kid was already there. There was no going back from that

 

You are responsible for the choices you make. If that lesson, especially coming from parents is always wanted to be applied one way, I think we can say that alot of parents are just full of shit. They made the choice when they decided to strip and have sex.

 

Dont anyone tell me "I was pressured" because I have been pressured to no end for years all around. Almost reaching 40 and still I get shit from my parents for my lack of relationship and kids, just as Ive gotten shit from people wanting to even set me up on blind dates, pushing me to meet someone, publicly humiliating me for my disinterest, etc

 

But amidst all that, Im still standing here. Asexual or not, trauma filled or not, I have made my decisions clear and have stood by them.

 

No relationships, no sex, no kids. And if that makes me the horrible monster Ive been called so much, then so be it. I rather be a monster than another one of the "pressured" as I have nothing to lose