Letting go of anger and resentment

[lovetolove]

Three years ago, after 18 years of both of us believing & hoping that my wife's lack of interest in sex could be "fixed", I found Aven and we realised that she is asexual and there's nothing to be fixed. 

In some ways it was a relief. The dreadful destructive arguments stopped, I realised she wasn't rejecting me on purpose and she realised she wasn't "broken".  She's not sex averse so after a period of celibacy to heal myself and take the pressure off, we discussed compromise. She agreed to  sex "by appointment" on an agreed date & time. Great, i thought. It's not what I'd choose but its better than nothing. Turns out, it's not better than nothing and my feelings of anger and resentment at having to repress my sexuality - at having to repress ME - are simmering to the point I'm about to explode. She tries to make the sex appointment but I've lost interest. It just sucks. She needs physical non sexual intimacy, hand holding, cuddles, a non passionate kiss, but I find myself withdrawing and withholding what I know she needs from me because I'm so damn angry and resentful. We share a bed because she wants and needs that. 

We stayed together because as a couple we have so much good stuff.  But the sexual intimacy, for me, feels like a vital part of expressing my self and my love for her and I'm suffocating and depressed and frustrated....you get the picture.

How do others cope? How do you move to a place of true acceptance happiness? I'm beginning to feel that I'm not even sure I love her anymore, not like in a life partner way. I feel like I've died inside.

I'm 66. I dread the thought of splitting up now. And we do have so much going for us if I could only find a way of letting go of this anger and resentment.

Thank you for listening.

[uhtred]

Some of use accept but never move to a place of true happiness. 

Your situation sounds similar to mine in some ways - and I've never found a solution.   I think at your (and my) age,  acceptance is the best thing to do - and trying to convince others not to get in this situation. 

[Olallieberry]

1 hour ago, lovetolove said:

we do have so much going for us if I could only find a way of letting go of this anger and resentment

That will help a lot.

 

A lot.

 

Will it be enough? You still are in the "it's not better than nothing" world where you're going to be repressing yourself - unless the two of you consider the rest of the options.

 

You've tried options 1 and 2 - unwanted sex, and, celibacy.
1 is a no go for her, is 2 a no go for you?

 

The rest of the options are 3, extramarital sex (presumably with her consent) and 4, ending it. You dread ending it, which is understandable. The good news is there are ways, concrete practical steps one can take, to get over anger and resentment and come to acceptance. Getting over anger and resentment will help a lot, a real lot, but the bad news is there's no telling whether it will be enough. Try and see, I guess.

 

I'm in this situation too. In my case, anger and resentment aren't part of the picture, but, it remains to be seen whether extramarital sex will keep us together. We're trying it.

[Tempest_Mess]

My (ex) girlfriend and I were having the same issue a short time ago too. We had so much tension in our relationship and built-up resentment on her side for her needs not being tended to, and I was unhappy, so we broke up and we are both much happier. I know it might not be what you want to hear, but It's okay to break up/ get a divorce, you two just have different needs, and that's okay. Its human, and can be healthy. You both have every right to live happily and have your needs (both romantic and sexual) met, and if it's not happening with each other, then talk it out honestly and kindly with each other, as many times as you need, with or without the mediation of a friend/councilor. 

If the verdict is divorce, then that's just the next step in the long journey of life that we're all making, each of us striving to be a little happier than yesterday. And if you both don't summon the bravery to have that conversation, or take that next step, then you won't ever know if you could have been happy with someone else and feel more fulfilled. 

 

And you may feel a little tentative because you are 66, right? A lot of folks think at a certain point you have a romantic expiration date, this is something that especially plagues the minds of divorcees. But let me tell you, there is no expiration date on love or on sex, both can be beautiful expressions of humanity, and most people have the drive to experience that beauty for themselves, and will do so at any stage of life because it brings them and others connection and joy. 

 

I wish you and your wife the best of everything. May you have the bravery to have an honestly, really hard conversation, and help each other to evaluate what the relationship means to you, expectations, and the potential of separation and healing that way. 
Have a lovely night/day and good luck!
Tempest.

[Acejacent]

I'm going through something simular right now. We broke up after she found out she was asexual. We remained friends and we still very close. For a while it seemed the only difference was that we stopped having sex. After a while I moved out but still lived nearby. I started dating and she admitted to still having romantic feelings for me. We decided to go back together and both make some compromises when it comes to sex. This worked out fine, but lately it seems she wants more changes. She wants to have more independance from me (sleep alone 1-2 a week), she wants more time to herself, preferably that I'm away from home more often. She's not very romantic and doesn't like intimacy a lot and it feels like I have to give up more and more to the point that I feel like I am just a glorified friend. We've been together for over 10 years and I love her to bits, but I don't want to keep hurting either. It feels there is an imbalance in the relationship. I often think of things I can do to make her feel the same way she makes me feel, but this is hard because she would want me to be more distant.

[lovetolove]

8 hours ago, uhtred said:

Some of use accept but never move to a place of true happiness. 

Your situation sounds similar to mine in some ways - and I've never found a solution.   I think at your (and my) age,  acceptance is the best thing to do - and trying to convince others not to get in this situation. 

I think what you and others here have said about acceptance is what I want to achieve. If both of us could accept the reality, ie that we are not lovers but love each other, we could find peace. I truly do not want another relationship at my age. I'd rather be alone. We talked this morning, but she got really really upset when I suggested that we reshape our thinking about what our relationship is or should be, stop trying to be lovers and accept we're not, and allow ourselves to love each other as the best friends we are and enjoy the great life we have together.  She can't seem to understand that this could potentially be the answer. She said that we may as well divorce, or split up, or sleep in separate rooms. But I don't see any change to the relationship except accepting we're not lovers and never will be, stop fighting it, accept it for what it is and walk off into the sunset together. It's nobody's fault. I want my life with her. I just want to know how to accept it for what it is. Any recommendations for self help books or podcasts would be gratefully received.

[Liara]

Maybe you can't let go these anger and resentment because even if you know that's not her fault, that she can do nothing about that, even if you understand intellectually, there is still a need which is not fulfilled. A need of sexual intimacy, of reciprocal feelings, of physical closeness only possible with sex. And this need will never disappear. There is an incompatibility between you that nothing can fill.
And you don't seem to see your relationship with the same eyes : she still considers it as a romantic relationship and you can't. And she can't understand that. And that's hard to be in a relationship where just one partner still feels romantic things (I'm living hat for years too).

[lovetolove]

1 hour ago, Liara said:

Maybe you can't let go these anger and resentment because even if you know that's not her fault, that she can do nothing about that, even if you understand intellectually, there is still a need which is not fulfilled. A need of sexual intimacy, of reciprocal feelings, of physical closeness only possible with sex. And this need will never disappear. There is an incompatibility between you that nothing can fill.
And you don't seem to see your relationship with the same eyes : she still considers it as a romantic relationship and you can't. And she can't understand that. And that's hard to be in a relationship where just one partner still feels romantic things (I'm living hat for years too).

I've read your posts for some years now and I think we are both in a similar situation, except that my wife wants and needs non sexual physical intimacy and connection with me.  She is romantic, and loving. Me saying basically why can't we accept it and just be friends and continue our good life together (which to me, without a sexual relationship, is what we've got) really upsets her. Any yet she's not coming up with any other possible solutions for the way forward, so....  I don't want a divorce. We spent 18 years tearing each other apart because we didn't know what the problem was, we should have split years ago instead of trying to fix us. Now that we do know, if we split now it feels like all that suffering was a waste of our lives. There has to be a way through this so we can enjoy the good life we have, together, and nurture and love each other without sex?

[Liara]

1 hour ago, lovetolove said:

I've read your posts for some years now and I think we are both in a similar situation, except that my wife wants and needs non sexual physical intimacy and connection with me.  She is romantic, and loving. Me saying basically why can't we accept it and just be friends and continue our good life together (which to me, without a sexual relationship, is what we've got) really upsets her. Any yet she's not coming up with any other possible solutions for the way forward, so....  I don't want a divorce. We spent 18 years tearing each other apart because we didn't know what the problem was, we should have split years ago instead of trying to fix us. Now that we do know, if we split now it feels like all that suffering was a waste of our lives. There has to be a way through this so we can enjoy the good life we have, together, and nurture and love each other without sex?

Whatever happens now, even if you split, it would not mean a waste or your 18 years together. You learned a lot, you grew together, you evolved together, even if it was hard, and full of anger and incomprehension. Even if you split, it would only mean "we tried, a lot, and we understood that we could not make it work better and that's ok".
I don't say you must split - I can't say that in my situation... - but don't avoid this possibility for wrong reasons.

[Olallieberry]

On 10/16/2024 at 7:08 PM, lovetolove said:

if I could only find a way of letting go of this anger and resentment

Hi, @lovetolove, how have things been working out?

 

Are you still resisting non-sexual affection? Has there been progress in any area?

[lovetolove]

21 minutes ago, Olallieberry said:

Hi, @lovetolove, how have things been working out?

 

Are you still resisting non-sexual affection? Has there been progress in any area?

Hey there! Thank you for asking.  Yes, there has been progress.   We've both worked hard on improving the way we communicate with one another and we've been talking much more openly and honestly than we've ever done, all thanks to what I've learnt from you all here.

 

I gave my head a good wobble and decided that me purposely withholding affection was getting us nowhere.  I too love cuddles and hand holding and all that stuff, so what was the point of behaving like a spoilt toddler?   

 

As a result, we're much more physically affectionate and more emotionally close than we've been for a long time.  We both now see that we must keep the channels of communication open and that we need to bring issues up as they arise, not just ignore them until somebody (me) explodes.

 

I've also thought a lot about what I think our relationship is. I believed that without sex, it couldn't be defined as anything other than a friendship. I'm beginning to feel differently about that.  I'm beginning to understand that whether or not we have a sexual relationship doesn't define "us".   It's not the only glue that binds us together as a couple.  

 

I miss sex.  I probably always will. But the fact is, I won't die from not having it, and there's a lot of pleasure to be had in rediscovering all the good stuff we do have and building on that.  We're both feeling  a lot more positive about the future.   Onwards and upwards, hopefully! 

 

 

 

 

[Liara]

Physical and emotional closeness are really important. Glad you have been able to find that again!

[lovetolove]

12 hours ago, Liara said:

Physical and emotional closeness are really important. Glad you have been able to find that again!

Thank you. Yes, those things are important to us both, but we've both had to work very hard on improving the way we communicate in order to get closer. It's a work in progress. We both have faced up to the fact, and  voiced it, that had we known about our fundamental sexual incompatibility in the early days, we wouldn't have continued the relationship. That's hard to say to each other.  But we had to recognise that in order to accept it and look at how we can move forward, if that makes sense?

[Liara]

You both had to be very brave to do that, impressive! I hope you will find a good balance for your relationship.

[lovetolove]

12 hours ago, Liara said:

You both had to be very brave to do that, impressive! I hope you will find a good balance for your relationship.

I'm not sure I'd have called it brave, but I guess maybe it is in some ways.     We'd spent 18 years tearing each other apart from lack of understanding what we were dealing with.  Said and did awful things that can never be unsaid or undone.  When you reach rock bottom as a couple, there's only two options - end the relationship or take some kind of action to improve or change the relationship.    Ultimately, we both want to stay together so we agreed to try and make changes that work for both of us. 

 

It really helped me to read the forum on "good partners".  There's so much positive stuff there from people in mixed relationships. It made me think more about the ways my partner does meet my needs and helped me to see that by focusing on the ways she doesn't (i.e the absence of sexual attraction or desire for me) was just feeding into my anger and resentment.  Which was leading me into a black hole of depression and misery.  

 

Our story continues, like so many in the Aven community.  I think it's going in a good direction. I'm sure there will be setbacks. It's a rocky road for sure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Cali55]

On 4/1/2025 at 3:04 PM, lovetolove said:

I'm not sure I'd have called it brave, but I guess maybe it is in some ways.     We'd spent 18 years tearing each other apart from lack of understanding what we were dealing with.  Said and did awful things that can never be unsaid or undone.  When you reach rock bottom as a couple, there's only two options - end the relationship or take some kind of action to improve or change the relationship.    Ultimately, we both want to stay together so we agreed to try and make changes that work for both of us. 

 

It really helped me to read the forum on "good partners".  There's so much positive stuff there from people in mixed relationships. It made me think more about the ways my partner does meet my needs and helped me to see that by focusing on the ways she doesn't (i.e the absence of sexual attraction or desire for me) was just feeding into my anger and resentment.  Which was leading me into a black hole of depression and misery.  

 

Our story continues, like so many in the Aven community.  I think it's going in a good direction. I'm sure there will be setbacks. It's a rocky road for sure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello. I’m new to this group. Just found it today. I’m the sexual in our relationship and my husband is asexual. We’ve been married 45 years and only just figured this out. 
I didn’t know it was a thing until recently but it answers everything for me. Even without this definition I had come to realize that the only way forward was acceptance, letting go. We have two adult children and three grandchildren. 
I don’t want to blow up our family and all the great things we have so I’ve always been the one to compromise. 
At least now I know his lack of desire is a can’t and not a won’t. This is huge. 
Still working on acceptance. 
 

Glad there’s a group here that understands. Thanks. 
 

[lovetolove]

Welcome @Cali55, it sounds like you've already found answers here and that you're feeling that huge sense of relief that many of us here also felt when we realised we're not alone.

 

You'll certainly find understanding, empathy and support here for you 

[Cali55]

22 minutes ago, lovetolove said:

Welcome @Cali55, it sounds like you've already found answers here and that you're feeling that huge sense of relief that many of us here also felt when we realised we're not alone.

 

You'll certainly find understanding, empathy and support here for you 

Yes, I have never understood the situation I’ve been in and now that I have some answers and a group that I can relate to, I do feel some relief. 
I appreciate your goal to stay in your marriage and keep the good that you have.  Having said that, many times I’ve wanted to run away. 🤪

[uhtred]

On 4/4/2025 at 1:03 PM, Cali55 said:

Hello. I’m new to this group. Just found it today. I’m the sexual in our relationship and my husband is asexual. We’ve been married 45 years and only just figured this out. 
I didn’t know it was a thing until recently but it answers everything for me. Even without this definition I had come to realize that the only way forward was acceptance, letting go. We have two adult children and three grandchildren. 
I don’t want to blow up our family and all the great things we have so I’ve always been the one to compromise. 
At least now I know his lack of desire is a can’t and not a won’t. This is huge. 
Still working on acceptance. 
 

Glad there’s a group here that understands. Thanks. 
 

Accepting is a good solution IF it makes you happy.  Otherwise there are other options: sex outside of marriage, or separation. Depending on the situation those may be the best answer for making both people happy.

 

There is nothing wrong with someone not wanting sex, but there is also nothing wrong with someone needing sex in order to be happy.   I think its worth self reflection to understand what sex means to *you* and whether you can be happy without out it.  (and don't worry about how you *should* feel or how *most* people feel, what matters is how you feel about it.

[Olallieberry]

Acceptance is necessary, but it might not be enough all by itself. One can accept the reality of the situation while still seeking change and improvement. Acceptance is what gives us the foundation to explore what's possible.

 

35 minutes ago, uhtred said:

At least now I know his lack of desire is a can’t and not a won’t. This is huge. 

I get that. That is huge. Maybe it will be enough!

 

But, if you accept that your husband's lack of desire is a hard fact and is not about you personally, then, like @uhtred said, you would still be OK for wanting to figure out ways to improve the situation. That obviously doesn't have to mean "make him have sex" (I mean, ick, right?) but if there are needs you have which aren't being met because of the lack of sex between you two, it's OK to look for changes which help.

[warmregards]

On 10/16/2024 at 8:08 PM, lovetolove said:

sex appointment

Why sex appointment didn't do it for you? ace here.

[lovetolove]

18 hours ago, warmregards said:

Why sex appointment didn't do it for you? ace here.

Hi. That's an interesting one, I spent a lot of time asking myself why it  didn't work for me.  I think it's because it's not really about the sex itself, it's more to do with what sex means to me in a relationship.  It's my love language. I feel sexual desire for my partner and I want (need?) to feel that desire reciprocated.  Without that mutual desire to give pleasure and express physically our love for one another, it just feels.....icky and robotic and unsexy.  It didn't feel romantic or exciting or....anything much at all really because I knew my partner had to overcome mental hurdles in order to be prepared for us to have sex, she doesn't feel about it the way I do.  It's the expression of feelings in sexual intimacy that matter most to me, not orgasms.  And the feeling wasn't there. 

 

 

 

 

[Olallieberry]

7 minutes ago, lovetolove said:

Hi. That's an interesting one, I spent a lot of time asking myself why it  didn't work for me.  I think it's because it's not really about the sex itself, it's more to do with what sex means to me in a relationship.  It's my love language. I feel sexual desire for my partner and I want (need?) to feel that desire reciprocated.  Without that mutual desire to give pleasure and express physically our love for one another, it just feels.....icky and robotic and unsexy.  It didn't feel romantic or exciting or....anything much at all really because I knew my partner had to overcome mental hurdles in order to be prepared for us to have sex, she doesn't feel about it the way I do.  It's the expression of feelings in sexual intimacy that matter most to me, not orgasms.  And the feeling wasn't there. 

 

 

 

 

Me too

[lovetolove]

2 minutes ago, Olallieberry said:

Me too

Yeah....it surprised me to find that appointment sex didn't work for me. I thought I was getting pretty much  what I wanted, that it was a great compromise.   And then I felt i was an ungrateful and horrible person.....she's doing this for me because I said I wanted sexual intimacy, and now it's not good enough??   

 

Which is how I've ended up in the voluntary celibacy stage and let's focus on the good stuff that we do have.  It's the best option at this stage. 

 

[warmregards]

3 hours ago, lovetolove said:

I felt i was an ungrateful and horrible person

Thanks for sharing with us, I think it's okay to have unmet need since everyone wired differently, and you're clearly respecting her position. Not sure if this help but: her willingly sharing body exclusively to you is the biggest love sign in ace I can think of, and it's hot af in an ace way.

[warmregards]

4 hours ago, lovetolove said:

let's focus on the good stuff that we do have

Very nice.

[Liara]

8 hours ago, lovetolove said:

Hi. That's an interesting one, I spent a lot of time asking myself why it  didn't work for me.  I think it's because it's not really about the sex itself, it's more to do with what sex means to me in a relationship.  It's my love language. I feel sexual desire for my partner and I want (need?) to feel that desire reciprocated.  Without that mutual desire to give pleasure and express physically our love for one another, it just feels.....icky and robotic and unsexy.  It didn't feel romantic or exciting or....anything much at all really because I knew my partner had to overcome mental hurdles in order to be prepared for us to have sex, she doesn't feel about it the way I do.  It's the expression of feelings in sexual intimacy that matter most to me, not orgasms.  And the feeling wasn't there. 

You word it perfectly!!

[uhtred]

On 4/8/2025 at 6:31 PM, warmregards said:

Thanks for sharing with us, I think it's okay to have unmet need since everyone wired differently, and you're clearly respecting her position. Not sure if this help but: her willingly sharing body exclusively to you is the biggest love sign in ace I can think of, and it's hot af in an ace way.

One problem is that for a lot of sexual people,  *desire* is as important as sex itself, maybe more so.  Sex with someone who doesn't desire it feels like buying services from a sex worker  - which is OK for some people but for others is not what they are looking for.   

 

What makes it worse is that the sexual person will still feel sexual desire, and when offered sex by their partner, will accept, and then regret doing so later.

 

Compromise doesn't work for me, but does for some people. I'm not sure how to describe the difference in feelings but I think they exist

[PonderingOnTheNet]

On 10/16/2024 at 9:08 PM, lovetolove said:

Turns out, it's not better than nothing and my feelings of anger and resentment at having to repress my sexuality - at having to repress ME - are simmering to the point I'm about to explode.

This is what scares me.  My wife just came out to me as asexual.  I've accepted that it's not me and it's an orientation for her.  As such, there's nothing wrong and nothing to be fixed.  I also don't like the idea of a separation because I feel there is a lot of great things about our marriage over the years that is precious and important to me.  But, I have my needs, too.  I think she's floated the idea of scheduled sex.  It comes down to how to interpret what she said.  Anyhow, I'm scared that it will be worst than nothing at all.  What I need is to perceive the feeling that having sex with me is something she wants.  I can't imagine how I will be able to perceive that even if the sexual activity picks up from scheduling.

I'm still under 3 weeks into this new found knowledge, but it's still overwhelming and confusing.  I know there's still a lot of learning, conversation, and soul searching to be had.  I've been really trying to consider what scheduled sex would look like to me and how I would react to it.  Even under this circumstance, I think I might still be able to get that feeling that she wants to have sex with me if she did things like start wearing lingerie again and/or initiating it.  Maybe surprise me with something like "I know we were supposed to have dinner with my parents tonight (or some other important event), but let's skip it and go get naked upstairs."  I mean, that might click in my head that she even with scheduled/obligated sex, she is still prioritizing having that with me above other things.  I don't know.  Again, I'm still working through it, but those are thoughts that I've been mulling over.

[blaigorn]

1 hour ago, PonderingOnTheNet said:

This is what scares me.  My wife just came out to me as asexual.  I've accepted that it's not me and it's an orientation for her.  As such, there's nothing wrong and nothing to be fixed.  I also don't like the idea of a separation because I feel there is a lot of great things about our marriage over the years that is precious and important to me.  But, I have my needs, too.  I think she's floated the idea of scheduled sex.  It comes down to how to interpret what she said.  Anyhow, I'm scared that it will be worst than nothing at all.  What I need is to perceive the feeling that having sex with me is something she wants.  I can't imagine how I will be able to perceive that even if the sexual activity picks up from scheduling.

I'm still under 3 weeks into this new found knowledge, but it's still overwhelming and confusing.  I know there's still a lot of learning, conversation, and soul searching to be had.  I've been really trying to consider what scheduled sex would look like to me and how I would react to it.  Even under this circumstance, I think I might still be able to get that feeling that she wants to have sex with me if she did things like start wearing lingerie again and/or initiating it.  Maybe surprise me with something like "I know we were supposed to have dinner with my parents tonight (or some other important event), but let's skip it and go get naked upstairs."  I mean, that might click in my head that she even with scheduled/obligated sex, she is still prioritizing having that with me above other things.  I don't know.  Again, I'm still working through it, but those are thoughts that I've been mulling over.

I think the fear of scheduled sex, specially if it's perceived as duty sex, not being enough to fulfill you (even worse than no sex, as you stated) is totally valid. I also share the same fear, as I'm opening myself up to try a compromise again, and I'm not sure there's a compromise that will be good for both of use.

 

But if you value your relationship (as you stated) and both are willing to try, do have an open mind. Even if it's awkward, or not all you want, I think you both deserve to be open minded and try, and potentially try multiple times (unless it turns out to be damaging somehow). That's the mindset I'm taking. Even if I don't believe, I might be surprised. We don't know unless we try.

 

Your ideas to be make scheduled sex be more spontaneous seem like very good ideas. If she is willing to, that is. Remember that you are starting back together, and try not to overwhelm her with a lot of different things to try. But do communicate. Happy you are giving it a chance and doing the hard work!