Questions I Wish My Asexual BF Would Answer... (TMO Warning)

[Engaged]

Hi again,

I have posted just a couple of times here so it would be easy to read the history on my situation.

We had a very rough weekend in which I was seriously considering ending our relationship but to date, we are still together.

I have tried again to talk to my boyfriend about our issues. But he pretty much gets angry and tries to blame me and acts like I am an oversexed or a nympho...which would be the extreme opposite of his behaviour.

I know there are many, many degrees of asexuality so here is a list of how my bf is with me. If you are offended by Too Much Information...Turn Back Now!

He is very into Public Displays Of Affection. Anyone watching him would think he is a real horn dog.

He likes to cuddle, kiss, hold hands, sleep naked with me, shower together,play footsie, flirt, calls me alot and we spend more nights together than not.

He hates me touching him in a sexual manner...anything below the belt makes him mad. He hates it if I am the aggressor. If it isn't his idea, it's not going to happen. He gets irritated if I make any sort of verbal sexual innuendo.

We do have sex. At first we had sex a normal amount. Now it is becoming less and less frequent...about twice a month. And he will have oral sex. He seems to prefer being the giver over being the reciever.

But I am afraid that as time goes on, he will stop being willing to have sex at all.

I tried to talk to him in an non-threatening. non-agressive,non-sexual way...to find out what exactly he is and isn't comfortable with. But He gets very defensive ans says he won't talk about it and changes the subject.

I read on another thread here about "your body betraying you". This had a real ring of truth to it. I suspect this is how my bf feels about it. Also, the Yawning thing talked about in the same thread. I have since noticed that my bf does this prior to us having sex. Wow...that makes a girl feel sexy...NOT.

So, I am hoping some asexual men here will read this and be able to relate to my BF's mentality and be able to shed some light for me.

I obviously want to make this relationship work or I wouldn't be posting here. He is such a flirt in so many ways, it is like he is a tease. And that makes it hard for me to not react to him in a sexual manner...which makes him defensive and uncomfortable.

Can anyone help me?

[steve01]

It may be that he is asexual, of course. And there may be some other problems as well. Some of the behaviors you described (his reflexive anger when you try to initiate sex, his refusal to discuss it much, his yawning when you are trying to initiate sex) may indicate that he is insecure about his lack of sexuality, and trying to compensate for that. Insecurity can make people extremely defensive and controlling. An insecure person often acts out in narcissistic behaviors, such as acting superior to you (he might say: "why are you such a nympho?"), controlling the sex in the relationship (he may get angry when you express any sexual interest), and not acknowledging your legitimate needs (pretending that sexual sexuality is somehow not normal and healthy).

By the way, you mention that he is a flirt and a "tease." If a person flirts and teases and acts "sexually available", and then shuts you down as soon as you respond, that would probably be considered classic controlling narcissistic behavior.

In other words, your boyfriend may be using his asexuality as a way to control you and keep you off balance. Very unhealthy behaviors that can lead to codependence (a relationship pattern characterized by controlling/abusive behavior by one party, and victim/passive behavior by the other party).

Note: a lot of people think narcissism means "unjustifiably high self-regard", but that is not the therapeutic meaning. Therapists define narcissism as disregard for the needs and interests of your partner, usually due to deep insecurity. It usually involves constant controlling behavior (often verbally or emotionally abusive) and other erratic behavior designed to keep your partner off-balance and dependent on you.

[Lehcar]

Hey Engaged,

I'm asexual, female, and aromantic at that, so I don't know how much I can help you, but here goes;

It seems like a very difficult situation, and I can only be impressed that you guys have done so well thus far. May I ask if your boyfriend has identified as asexual, or if he's just displayed a low sex drive? Also, has he specifically asked you not to initiate sexual situations, or does he just react when it happens? The reason I ask is because there could very well be a more serious issue behind his bahaviour, as steve01 suggested.

However, I would caution you on assuming that there's someting wrong. The fact that your bf isn't communicating is troubling, but I can only suggest you keep at it, gently. In the meantime, consider what it might be like if you were an extremely tactile person, not at all interested in sex, but will agree to have some sex to satisfy your partner. Surely, it might be a little frustrating when you're making an effort, but your partner doesn't seem satisfied. I would also caution against ideas like 'normal amount of sex', just 'cause there is no such thing. As for the 'flirt' thing, try separating physical affection with sexuality in your head, and his actions might begin to make a little more sense.

Um...I don't really have any contructive suggestions save for maybe introducing him to this site so he can maybe explore his feelings about the issue, and continue to gently initiate communication about it. You seem like you're doing really well so far! If you need someone to rant to, don't hesitate to look me up.

[jr1]

maybe you could take a weekend trip together as a change of pace. "familiarity breeds contempt"

[Shinnok]

It sounds like he likes doing things that would lead up to sex but he doesn't want to go through the act of sex. I can kind of understand that but I wouldn't know what to say to help. Tell him that you'd like to talk about the subject and clear out some things with him and tell him not to get so defensive but just ask why he doesn't want to go through with it. I guess that's my suggestion

[Tool1989]

It is hard when he changes the subject and tries to blame you. It must hurt when he name calls you. It's a defence mechanism and it isn't you. I bet he would do this with anyone. Try to let him rant and then talk to him. You gotta keep your cool and try to listen to him without throwing insults back and eventually he will wear out and walk away or answer your questions. He will eventually listen to you though if you keep listening to him...hang in there.

[Looking]

Either that, and sorry this is a pessamistic take on what you've written, or he'll start to abuse you physically. I'd be careful. We try very hard to be open minded on this forum and understanding, but the way you're talking about it reminds me far more of the stories I've heard about abuse than anything I've heard about asexuality... I don't know you or your bf or your situation so I'm just cautioning you not to try and "fix" him, and if he EVER touches you out of anger, try to see it for what it is and not justify it as something else... if you try and justify it, it'll just get worse...

[starlaw79]

My boyfriend who i have been having sexual trouble with for years without knowing why hates any sign of public affection, will not shower or bath with me, is not really into the whole skin to skin thing and will not give me any kind of kiss beyond a peck on the lips unless he is obliging to sex which has always been over before it started really.

The first few weeks were great and if he is dog drunk it is better but other than that when we do make love it does not feel likemaking love more like just a quicky that doesn't matter. NOW i know why, it just doesn't matter to him. He always has said he just doesn't feel that sexual and doesn't really get urges but i didn't know why. I am 100% sure the more i look up on it my boyfriend is seriously Asexual and his love for me is purely asexual, he loves me but doesn't find me sexually attractive because he doesn't find anyone sexually attractive. At least i have no need to get jeolous of other woman because he just doesn't want them.