Asexuality and jealousy.

[AliceInWonderland]

This is all so interesting...

Yes, I agree.

I am not suggesting that the idea of "Bad" vs. "Good" girls is reasonable, accurate or, well, anything other than a societally held view...Society has this bizarre split-personality when it comes to sex. What I was presenting as an example is a commonly held view that there are "Good" girls (and boys), and "Bad" girls (and boys). You want your son to marry one of the "good" ones, and you try to scare off the "bad" ones.

It's all a crock of you-know-what of course...we learn and internalize these social models for normalcy, and either feel crazy and wrong that we can't be normal, or feel like misunderstood rebels if we buck the system.

-Chiaroscuro

I agree here too.

Olivier,

I cannot find anything on the internet about children sensing danger better than others. I read it in a book years ago. I don't remember the title. I have heard that children are more intuitive and open to things like psychic abilities, for instance. Maybe that's what I should have written instead. My point is that we have instincts, but we learn at a young age to ignore them, and to think of them as needless and illogical. I should have used a better analogy - sorry.

[steve01]

Do (average, sexual) men experience a strong desire to have sex every time they think about it?

I think men pretty much want sex whenever they think about it. Is it a strong desire? Most of the time, yes. Especially if a man is near a woman he finds attractive. In that case, he is probably thinking about what it would be like to have sex with her. He probably really wants her, and his desire is limited only by the fact that he knows it almost never happens. Only very rarely does the typical guy get to have sex with any of the women he meets. See how life is filled with sexual frustration for men?

Society has this bizarre split-personality when it comes to sex. What I was presenting as an example is a commonly held view that there are "Good" girls (and boys), and "Bad" girls (and boys).

Ah, I see what you mean now. It's true that people often have liberal views in private discussions about sex, but then, when their son brings home a girl who has clearly been around the block a few times (or their daughter brings home a tall handsome black dude), all their liberalism goes out the window.

[AliceInWonderland]

So, what I've gathered from all of this is that in order to find someone who's compatible with us and vice versa, we all need to go without deodorant or showers and stand beside each other for a while and let our pheromone organs take over...I guess that might have been what our descendents did to find mates.

[steve01]

So, what I've gathered from all of this is that in order to find someone who's compatible with us and vice versa, we all need to go without deodorant or showers and stand beside each other for a while and let our pheromone organs take over...I guess that might have been what our descendents did to find mates.

That can't hurt, but I wouldn't rely on it! Pheromones might help you weed out some unsuitable mates, if you are able to sense them. But you may want to try other ways too:

1. Sit down with your friends and ask them to tell you what kind of person they think you are, and what kind of mate would be best for you. In some ways, your friends may know you a little better than you know yourself. Everyone carries around certain misapprehensions and delusions about themselves, and your friends can help you see past those.

2. Visit some of the dating websites like match.com, and take the relationship tests they offer. Some of the tests are junk, I suppose, but some of them will give you real insight. They help to analyze your personality, and tell you what traits you should look for in a partner.

3. Keep in mind the old rule of thumb that marriage counselors use: people should look for a mate who has similar values (about money, family, religion, children, sex, privacy, etc.) and complimentary needs (i.e. a person who needs to be dominant should find a mate who likes to be submissive, and a person who needs to talk a lot should find someone who likes to listen, etc.

[AliceInWonderland]

So, what I've gathered from all of this is that in order to find someone who's compatible with us and vice versa, we all need to go without deodorant or showers and stand beside each other for a while and let our pheromone organs take over...I guess that might have been what our descendents did to find mates.

That can't hurt, but I wouldn't rely on it! Pheromones might help you weed out some unsuitable mates, if you are able to sense them. But you may want to try other ways too:

1. Sit down with your friends and ask them to tell you what kind of person they think you are, and what kind of mate would be best for you. In some ways, your friends may know you a little better than you know yourself. Everyone carries around certain misapprehensions and delusions about themselves, and your friends can help you see past those.

2. Visit some of the dating websites like match.com, and take the relationship tests they offer. Some of the tests are junk, I suppose, but some of them will give you real insight. They help to analyze your personality, and tell you what traits you should look for in a partner.

3. Keep in mind the old rule of thumb that marriage counselors use: people should look for a mate who has similar values (about money, family, religion, children, sex, privacy, etc.) and complimentary needs (i.e. a person who needs to be dominant should find a mate who likes to be submissive, and a person who needs to talk a lot should find someone who likes to listen, etc.

Thanks.

Since none of my friends know my situation, I'd feel awkward asking them those questions. I'm sure they think I'm happily married. I try to avoid any negative conversations since I either work with or use to work with most of them and it's a small world, but I understand what you're saying, and I think I can find use for that advise in another way.

I haven't looked at any dating sites yet since I'm married and feel guilty to even think about doing that, but I don't have much to lose. Besides, it sounds like it's just some tests.

I'm thinking it might be a good idea to also read a book about finding a mate.

Thanks for your suggestions.

Good luck with whatever brought you to AVEN and welcome!

[Retzub]

As for the original question.

Steve, I think your wife is too egoistic. An asexual would never be able to give an sexual sex even if they try. Becourse as i understand it, sex is not only this physical exercise that we asexuals can (seldom) provide. But also this bonding-intiacy-starsandheaven-strange feeling thing, which I do not comprehend but know exist.

This feeling I cannot give a sexual woman in a relationship. And since I love and only want the best for the person i live with, I would be HAPPY if someone else could give this. I dont want the person I love to miss out such a thing that CEARLY is extreamly importat too sexuals.

Cheating is not cheating when everyone agrees. Monogami is just something christanity inventet. why follow somthing becourse of that?

[isillote]

I am an asexual in a relationship with a sexual man. He gets his sex elsewhere. This has caused problems in the past, when other women have fallen for him and pushed him to split up with me. Which has never happened, because we love each other. It also helps that I seem to have missed out completely on the jealous gene.

You might want to investigate the swingers clubs. With your wife's agreement, this might be the answer - other people, mainly in relationships themselves, who want more variety of sexual experiences, with no strings at all. All in safe environments.

This has been a godsend for us, and I feel so happy now that he can get the sex he craves, because I always felt guilty that I couldn't give him something that was so important to him.

By the way, I have an excellent sense of smell and am asexual, and my partner has almost no sense of smell and is very sexual.... :D

[Nínui]

Can someone here tell me why it would matter to an asexual if their spouse had a sex partner outside the marriage? I am not being facetious; I am really trying to understand.

A little background: after 10 years of marriage, my wife and I have finally figured out (with the help of this forum) that she is asexual. We love each other, and want to stay together. But she just doesn't feel sexual attraction, and doesn't want to have sex. She likes cuddling, but any sex act is mildly repulsive to her. I am completely sexual; I need a nornal sex life to feel balanced and happy.

We are trying to work it out. But all our options look pretty bad. We have thought about "compromising," but that really just boils down to us having a little bad sex (trust me, all you asexuals: sex with an asexual is really creepy).

And we don't want a divorce, if we can avoid it.

So what's left? Well, me getting some sex on the side, I guess. I know it wouldn't be ideal. But it seems like the least worst option. But she really objects to the idea. She says it would make her feel sad and inadequate. She would feel jealous of the other woman.

I don't quite understand why she would feel that way. If she has no sexual feelings herself, and doesn't feel sexual attraction to me, what would it matter to her that I had a sexual relationship with another woman? If my sexuality is of no interest to her in our bedroom, why is it of such interest to her elsewhere?

because it still is a matter of trust, just as it is in a sexual-sexual relationship. you wouldn't want your wife to cheat if she was a sexual, just because she seeks some sexual desire which you can't satisfy, right?

well, sometimes it feels as if sexuals don't understand that, even without being into sex, an asexual can be completely committed to the person he/she is engaged with, and if the sexual considers to have sex with other partners, it's invading the intimate, emotional area which you usually just share with each other.

I know, she cannot give you what you want, but there is one thing you are forgetting: she loves you, and I bet she wishes she was able to fulfill your needs, BECAUSE she loves you. and of course it makes her feel inadequate, because by getting sex from someone else you show her just that - she's inadequate.

there are enough people who are asexual and not at all happy about it, because it can make you feel quite lonely, therefore they are happy once they found someone with whom they connect with, but knowing they cannot fulfill the sexual needs of the one they love causes them distress just as it causes you to not have your needs satisfied.

I bet she fears that, if you get the sex from someone else that you could meet someone you also connect with differently, because - let's be honest, sex is never just about sex, because it clicks in some way, otherwise you wouldn't want to have sex with just some random person.

and... even if she wasn't jealous, she probably will be sad about it, because it's hard to cope.

but judging from some answers I read, there are still people who apparently can deal with it, but this is not the general case. if your wife can't... you have to simply accept that, because you w ill be unable to change the fact that she will never get along with you getting sex from other women.

[Haunter]

Well, I wouldn't be gelous in such a case, and I don't really have any advise for you, but I wish you the best of luck in figuring out a way to deal with this... problem.

[Chiaroscuro]

let's be honest, sex is never just about sex, because it clicks in some way, otherwise you wouldn't want to have sex with just some random person

This is a very "sexual" point of view, Ninui. I can't tell you how many times, and in what a variety of ways, I've tried to explain on this board that sex is never just about sex. You are like my wife (and Olivier's, I guess), in your sense of sex and emotional intimacy being intertwined.

Your post points out the conflicted nature of a mixed relationship well. Neither party can express their true nature in this very important aspect of a relationship. And there's (usually), no compromising your way around it. It's a very basic, root-level disconnect. My wife and I have honestly tried everything in the negotiation department. There's just zero wiggle-room. Either she has to "fake" desire for me, or I have to live as a 45 year old man, undesired by and unable to express my desire for my beloved.

Going outside the relationship is threatening to our connection. It might not be for everyone, and more power to them, but for my wife it's very threatening, on a lot of levels.

-Chiaroscuro

[WendyO]

Well, Chia is right on the mark with saying that there is no compromising our away around sex. Im sexual married to Asexual. There is beginning to be a very big disconnect between my husband of 24yrs and I. There is absolutely no negotioation is the sex dept. My husband just does not ever, ever want to have sexual relations with me. He seems to be very fond of me but that is where it all ends.

Its becoming increasingly hard for me to be a loner in our relationship. My Asexual husband seem very content at where our relationship is. Im deeply wounded and dont know if I will want this pain for the rest of my life.

[Chiaroscuro]

Its becoming increasingly hard for me to be a loner in our relationship. My Asexual husband seem very content at where our relationship is. Im deeply wounded and dont know if I will want this pain for the rest of my life.

My wife is also very happy with our relationship, Wendy (except that she's upset that I'm upset). We don't tend to talk about it at this point. We have a plan to split up in a little under three years, but I think she doesn't believe it will happen because everything is going so great in her mind. I'm dying, but that doesn't mean I don't love her and enjoy her company. When I bring up the divorce, she seems genuinely surprised that it's still "on".

Sorry to hijack the thread here. Resume your musings about jealousy :)

-Chiaroscuro

[Olivier]

Its becoming increasingly hard for me to be a loner in our relationship. My Asexual husband seem very content at where our relationship is. Im deeply wounded and dont know if I will want this pain for the rest of my life.

My wife is also very happy with our relationship, Wendy (except that she's upset that I'm upset). We don't tend to talk about it at this point.

Both your comments have a huge ring of familiarity for me. To my wife, our relationship is close to perfect, as the only thing it's missing is sex, and she doesn't see that as something missing. And she also would rather I wasn't upset about it.

Actually, I'm no longer upset about it for two reasons: firstly, I've gained a new perspective through our discussion of our latest round of problems that has left me feeling a bit ashamed of some of my past behaviour, and keen to make that up to my wife if I can - and giving ground on sex seems appropriate under the circumstances; and secondly, I've accepted that my open frustration and unhappiness made my wife feel under huge pressure to be sexual to fix the problem, and that pressure caused her to avoid sex entirely - so it had formed a bit of a negative feedback cycle: more frustration -> more pressure -> no sex -> even more frustration -> etc, etc, etc.

Another thing that struck a chord was not talking about it. My wife feels that when we talk about our problems with sex, that those discussions are part of the problem, because she would rather live with sex not entering our lives at all, even as a discussion topic. That's hard to get past, to say the least.

We have a plan to split up in a little under three years, but I think she doesn't believe it will happen because everything is going so great in her mind. I'm dying, but that doesn't mean I don't love her and enjoy her company. When I bring up the divorce, she seems genuinely surprised that it's still "on".

Chia, I'm really sorry it has come to that. Especially, I'm sorry that some of the insights you have given me into my own relationship are helping me when they haven't been able to save your own marriage. And as optimistic as I am for my own situation, I worry about the fact that my wife and I seem on a similar path to your own, but just a few years behind.

I presume the three year deadline is to do with kids or some similar reason. I hope you and your wife can either turn it around in time, or both go amicably on to better things.

[WendyO]

Chia and Oliver,

I mirror your situations only the Asexual is my husband. I talked to him yesterday that Im at the point to where we need marital counceling. Husband asked if I was planning on leaving him, I said no. But, that I was having a rough time lately with no sex for the past three years. I do want this marriage to work but then again I cant see myself being celibate for the next 45yrs of my life. This is a lifestyle that my husband must live, Its not a choice that I have taken. Boy, I need counciling

Wendy

[isillote]

My heart bleeds for all of you, and it just makes me realise more and more how lucky I am to have found the right person, and that both of us are happy with him seeking sex elsewhere.

For a long time I avoided talking about sex, because inside I felt ashamed of the fact that I was 'abnormal' for not being interested in sex. I tortured myself, trying to understand how I could love him so much, but not have any wish to engage in the ultimate expression of love. But at the same time, I didn't feel that I needed a cure of any kind. My asexuality is an intrinsic part of me.

But sexuality is an intrinsic part of my partner too. Finding AVEN helped me to realise that not facing up to our one incompatibility was a mistake. It has helped us a lot to talk openly about it.

Sticking your head in the sand is not a solution. I wish your asexual partners could talk openly to you - it seems to be a common thing in sexual/asexual relationships, that the asexual seems unwilling to talk or contemplate compromise. Which is a shame, especially when the relationship otherwise is so good.

[Chiaroscuro]

posted twice...

[Chiaroscuro]

Chia, I'm really sorry it has come to that. Especially, I'm sorry that some of the insights you have given me into my own relationship are helping me when they haven't been able to save your own marriage. And as optimistic as I am for my own situation, I worry about the fact that my wife and I seem on a similar path to your own, but just a few years behind.

Thanks for your sympathy, Olivier. It's a strange thing, this idea of a slow-motion separation... If you look at my earlier posts, you'll see how hard I was trying to find ANY answer that would work for us. I realized (after about three years of zero sex), that I had to do something. I was having feelings of resentment and depression, and was just not in a healthy place in a lot of ways. I began therapy, which was a godsend... just having someone to talk to about our situation. My wife and I had a lot of talks about how to solve our disconnect. Some were angry, some were not, but they were always very sad discussions. There was this huge wall that neither of us could figure out how to reach across. After a lot of digging, the root of the problem turned out to be my need to be able to express my feelings of desire for my partner, and have those feelings returned. My wife needs to have freedom FROM being an object of desire. We can both give up our freedoms temporarily, as a compromise, but it doesn't solve the problem: I desire her when I'm pretending I don't (or am not expressing it), and she doesn't want to be desired, even though she's pretending it's okay. Pretense isn't what either of us wants, ultimately. So the compromise isn't a solution.

I presume the three year deadline is to do with kids or some similar reason. I hope you and your wife can either turn it around in time, or both go amicably on to better things.

The deadline is to allow time for three things: 1. I have a slim hope that my wife will make a concerted effort to deal with her past sexual abuse and, in some measure, rediscover her sexuality (a much slimmer hope now than previously), 2. I want to make sure that lack of a "mate" is something that I honestly can't live with... just being cautious, and 3. to allow my youngest son, in particular, to reach his teen years when we can better explain to him why this is happening (and prepare both kids over time).

No, it's not a happy outcome for sure. But, while nothing's certain, we're both determined to remain on friendly terms. She will always be welcome in my home, and will always be the mother of my children.

-Chiaroscuro

[Olivier]

Chia and Oliver, I mirror your situations only the Asexual is my husband. I talked to him yesterday that Im at the point to where we need marital counceling.

I reached that point at one stage last year. My wife was horrified - she couldn't understand the problem - everything in the relationship was perfect for her, including the lack of sex. Her only problem was that her previously happy husband had become moody and whiny. If I would just knock that off, we'd be happy, right? :roll: No amount of argument that this wasn't a blame thing - that each of our positions was fine by itself, just lousy in combination - could change her mind.

But frankly I'm very wary of professional cousellors. I'm sure there are good ones, and equally sure there are useless and bad ones, also, and I have no idea how to go about making sure you get a good one. The amateur counselling of AVEN, though, is far more my style and has been incredibly helpful to me.

Husband asked if I was planning on leaving him, I said no.

If as you say you're not sure if you can live the next 45 years the way you've lived the last three, then perhaps the honest answer to your husband would be "maybe", as incredibly difficult as that is to admit.

But, that I was having a rough time lately with no sex for the past three years. I do want this marriage to work but then again I cant see myself being celibate for the next 45yrs of my life. This is a lifestyle that my husband must live, Its not a choice that I have taken. Boy, I need counciling

Well I can offer you some !

Six months ago, I felt exactly as you describe. I took some online tests for clinical depression, and passed more than a few. I'm pretty certain I wasn't depressed, as I still had enough control to get myself out of the hole, but it felt like I was close to losing that ability.

How is your daily life with your husband when sex isn't the issue at hand? Happy? Or strained? When things got to being regularly strained for us, I think we'd got to the point where we needed to fix that before sex could become possible again. And we did, by a process I'd only partly recommend - we had a huge, but civil, argument where many hurtful but honest things got said. After that both of us needed some space and time to process what the other had told us, and the thought of sex seemed alarmingly inappropriate to both of us. That breathing space let us get back to enjoying the many, many good things about our marriage (luckily for me, that's pretty much everything bar the sex).

We still haven't had full sex since that time (we nearly have, but that's a long, yet amusing, story :roll:), but we feel we've got a bit of our old spark back by taking a break from even trying to get our sex life back on track. Like with falling in love, it seems to work best when you're not trying, at least it has for us.

I wish you all the very best, but the only real advice I can offer from my experience is to ask yourself honestly whether the way you're thinking, feeling, and behaving is actually helping or hurting your chances of your husband feeling relaxed, comfortable, and safe enough to consider sex. Looking back, I know I wasn't actually doing my cause any good, despite throwing all my energy and then some at the problem.

[Chiaroscuro]

We still haven't had full sex since that time (we nearly have, but that's a long, yet amusing, story ), but we feel we've got a bit of our old spark back by taking a break from even trying to get our sex life back on track. Like with falling in love, it seems to work best when you're not trying, at least it has for us.

We also reached that point (two or three years ago), had a HUGE fight, during which my wife nearly walked out the door, and have basically taken sex off the table ever since. It's not even discussed as an option. It's removed a lot of the resentment from our relationship (at least on the surface), and allows us to enjoy one another very much. But it only drove the issue underground. It's still there, and needs to be dealt with. Since I'm the sexual partner, I'm the one who's going to have to make the changes. She's content with things the way they are, and has to wait and see what happens. Neither position fun to be in...

-Chiaroscuro

[Olivier]

We also reached that point (two or three years ago), had a HUGE fight, during which my wife nearly walked out the door, and have basically taken sex off the table ever since. It's not even discussed as an option. It's removed a lot of the resentment from our relationship (at least on the surface), and allows us to enjoy one another very much. But it only drove the issue underground. It's still there, and needs to be dealt with. Since I'm the sexual partner, I'm the one who's going to have to make the changes. She's content with things the way they are, and has to wait and see what happens. Neither position fun to be in...

Indeed. So much of your situation is familiar (my wife didn't nearly walk out, but she threatened to throw me out!, and the resentment has gone since we both got some harsh truths out in the open), and yet we've fallen just the lucky side of the line...

We're now discussing sex with way less rancour - none really apart from my wife still preferring to not discuss it at all. We don't feel like we're hiding behind pretenses, as we've found ways for me to express my desire that my wife finds flattering but not pressuring, and my better understanding of asexuality has allowed my wife to express a need for blocks of "sex-free time" without offending or hurting me.

While we're still not back to having sex, our level of physical intimacy has gone from zero to something about half-way to where I think a reasonable compromise lies. And the improvement has been in quality even more so than quantity. I'm hopeful we're on track, and I think the new perspectives we've got from this forum are the difference between being optimistic about our marriage, and having had it melt down entirely.

I'm not sure how well we would go at an amicable split. I'd like to think we could, but realistically I think if we were at that point, we'd stay together, and so divorce would be necessarily messy for us as a result if it ever came to that. Hopefully for us it never will, but I understand how you feel, Chia, and hope that it goes well for both of you, no matter how things unfold.

[Chiaroscuro]

While we're still not back to having sex, our level of physical intimacy has gone from zero to something about half-way to where I think a reasonable compromise lies.

That's excellent, Olivier, and I wish you both the best as well. I would love to find a happy medium. My wife isn't just leery of sex, though, she's leery of all forms of intimacy. She's trying... she puts her hand on my arm sometimes when we're sitting and reading, or she'll sit so that she's touching me, but it doesn't go further than that. So, if you're half-way there, I'm maybe 5% there, and that represents a major effort by my wife to extend herself on my behalf.

-Chiaroscuro

[isillote]

Chiaroscuro, you said your wife suffered from abuse in the past. Has she had any counselling or professional help for that? Maybe if she did, she'd find it easier to express some physical affection towards you, which would at least be something.

You seem like an incredibly caring and understanding man, it's such a shame that you can't work this problem out, when you love each other so much.

But at least your children shouldn't suffer from the break up, if it'll be so amicable. My parents hated each other, and damaged me by not separating, but I've seen so many so-called loving parents traumatise their offspring by using them as pawns in a war of attrition. It's nice to know you'll at least stay friends.

[Chiaroscuro]

Hi Isillote,

My wife has been in therapy for 5-6 years now. I've met with her therapist, who says my wife has been making progress, but "on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being multiple-personalities", my wife is a 7. So her sexual self is almost completely disconnected from her "safe" self, and her safe self basically has no idea her sexual self exists.

I share your concern about the kids, of course. I can't keep on going like this forever, but I'll do the best I can. I can't control my wife, unfortunately :) She has a temper, and it often takes over to the detriment of the kids (in my view), but I'm hopeful we can all come to terms with the change over this long hiatus.

hugs,

-Chiaroscuro

[isillote]

Hi,

I'm sure the kids will adapt well, with two such sensible parents, especiallly as they're old enough to understand and not feel that they are in some way to blame. Divorce is so commonplace now, I don't think it's as traumatic for children unless the parents make it so. I wish your wife luck with the therapy, too. I think there are probably a lot of people who are not strictly speaking asexual in the sense that they have just been born with no sex drive like myself, but whose sexuality has been destroyed by some terrible trauma in early life. That must be terrible. But it must also be terrible to be sexual and unable to express your love in the way that is most important to you.

When I was younger I could never understand why people attached so much importance to sex, it seemed so irrelevant to me. But now I'm older and able to see things from different perspectives (and of course having an extremely sexual partner helps!) I have a much better understanding of the hell you must be going through too.

I wish you all the luck in the world. I love your signature, by the way.

[WendyO]

My daily life with my asexual husband is reasonable. We make great buisness partners in life and share our financial income with no problem. For me, sex is often the issue after not being intimate for over three years. I crave the attention. Its lonely for me.

We did have that all out fight in the Fall, he was hurt and so was I. I let him know its just the way he is and there was no faults with him, I was asexual and I was making the changes in my life to suit him. This is way unfair for me. My husband has ZERO interest in any form of sex, cuddling or touching. There is no negotiating the sex issue for him..if he did have sex with me I would be well aware that it was torture for him to preform with me. I couldnt do that to him, nor would the act of sex be good for me.

I also agree that if the topic of leaving my husband comes up again I just might get brave enough to say "maybe".

WendyO

[Nínui]

let's be honest, sex is never just about sex, because it clicks in some way, otherwise you wouldn't want to have sex with just some random person

This is a very "sexual" point of view, Ninui.

it is? hm, I guess if I told sexuals, all of them would laugh at me, because a lot of people I know have no problems with a one night stand, at least so they say. they claim that its just about sexual attraction and to simply complete the act.

I have always been looked up and down when I say that I don't believe that there isn't more, because... to me it's too easy to say that physical attraction itself is enough to have sex with someone, because for me it ain't. not at all. I'm not keen on having sex, but if one day I will, it sure will be with someone I love dearly. and I guess if I was sexual I would definitely want to connect with the one I am sharing my most intimate parts with. a one night stand... that would never occur to me though.

my fiancé might not be a model, but heck I love him because he's got such a great personality. and that comment I made apparently was very subjective (sorry about that), because it is my personal view of sex that I could never have it with someone I don't connect with emotionally.

I guess what I didn't point out clearly enough is, that I think even if you have sex with someone outside of your marriage/relationship and you don't belong to those choosing a different partner each time or a hooker who doesn't care for you, that eventually feelings might develop between the two of you. and that's where an asexual has no chance anymore.

if the one you love finds someone he cherishes AND who likes to sleep with him/her as well.. how can you win?

all sexuals here write that it's very hard on them, and they are right - it is. no but's or if's, it's a fact, and one cannot deny it. some here consider splitting up because of the distress they feel despite the fact that they love that person they're with at the moment. they miss something essentially for them, and it's nothing to blame them for, not at all.

but, as we all know, that's where it becomes very, very difficult in a relationship between asexuals and sexuals.

[Hallucigenia]

I guess if I told sexuals, all of them would laugh at me, because a lot of people I know have no problems with a one night stand, at least so they say. they claim that its just about sexual attraction and to simply complete the act.

I have always been looked up and down when I say that I don't believe that there isn't more, because... to me it's too easy to say that physical attraction itself is enough to have sex with someone, because for me it ain't. not at all.

This (in a vaguely off-topic way) reminds me of something David Jay was talking about in one of his podcasts. (I'm not going to provide a link right now because my Internet's being really slow, but it was some episode of "Love from the Asexual Underground". He was talking about "shaking the bucket". You'll know if you've heard it.)

Basically, all sexuals have a desire to eventually have some sort of sex somehow... but the manner in which they go about it depends on nonsexual factors that motivate them. For some, as you say, it's "love". (I put it in quotation marks not because I want to invalidate anyone's feelings, but because there are a number of very different factors that can be called "love" and that can all motivate sexual people to engage in sexual activity.) For others, it can be stuff as simple as the need for excitement or for power or for status or to prove oneself. Obviously all of these (and different combinations of these) nonsexual factors will result in highly different patterns of sexual behavior!

DJ was of the opinion that we can therefore find nonsexual ways to satisfy most or all of the desires of sexual people. I think most of us here will agree it's usually not that easy. But it's food for thought, and I think it's a good way of explaining why some sexuals will feel comfortable with one-night stands and some won't, even though they're the same sexual orientation.

[Chiaroscuro]

That's an excellent observation, Hallu. I'll have to go look for this Mr. DJ. My comment would be that most of us sexuals have sex with a whole cocktail of emotions engaged in the moment (just as we do when we're not having sex). Different people see the world in different ways, and their approach to sex is going to be as different from one another as their approach to dinner conversation. I don't think that sex is really that different from any other form of human relations (except for the whopping helping of taboo that's been heaped onto it). Some people are bastards, some are indifferent, some are caring.

-Chiaroscuro

[isillote]

I'm realising more and more how lucky I am to have a partner who can engage in and enjoy sexual acts with other people, but keep his emotional involvement only for me.

He feels the same about me, and thinks it's great that I experience no jealousy or misgivings at all about his sexual exploits. I'm so glad he can get his pleasure elsewhere, when I can't give it to him. To me it's no different to him going to watch a football match with someone else. Why would I be jealous, if I wasn't interested in football? And why would I want to stop him watching football, just because I didn't like it?

It's amusing to me to be learning more about sexuals and their thoughts and deep feelings, on an asexual site! But it's great, too.

[cannotunderstand]

Can someone here tell me why it would matter to an asexual if their spouse had a sex partner outside the marriage? I am not being facetious; I am really trying to understand.

I can so understand what you are saying. I think my fiancee is asexual and I unfortunetely told him I was going to cheat if we dont find out what the problem is. I wasnt being mean, I never heard of being asexual before. I really never did. He is jealous and he means it but how can you be jealous and not want to have sex with your partner at the same time. I dont understand this whole thing and I am getting more and more depressed and frustrated as time goes on.