Asexuality and jealousy.

[Rin]

I never heard of being asexual before. I really never did. He is jealous and he means it but how can you be jealous and not want to have sex with your partner at the same time.

I reccomend just reading around. Theres alot of posts on this thread which explain why an asexual can experience jealousy. Asexuals aren't totally numb and devoid of feelings on the subject of sex so they are capable of being monogamous. They have an awareness of it and its meaning to a relationship for others, if an asexual trait was ignorance to the importance of sex in a relationship (to a sexual) it would probably remove the possibility of jealousy. But just because their biology is ignorant of sexual attraction doesn't mean their mind can't acknowledge it and its meaning.

Even you yourself called it 'cheating'. So I assume you aren't separating the emotional aspect of sex from the physical aspect. Otherwise you probably wouldnt refer to it as 'cheating'. There are some, such as polyamory asexuals who wouldn't consider it cheating, but monagomous asexuals (and sexuals) probably would refer to it as 'cheating'.

But I know you're hurting right now and I'm sorry about that, so I understand it probably will be hard to accept such a concept unless you stand back from it and take an unbiased look at it.

[Olivier]

I'll second what Rin said.

You partner may not understand sexual attraction well if he does not feel it himself, but he'll have a pretty good idea from what you've told him. So from his viewpoint there are probably two main explanations for why you need sex:

1) Physical pleasure and release. Orgasms, basically. When you say you want sex with another to fill your needs, he's likely to wonder why you don't just masturbate.

2) Emotional closeness. Intimacy. A way of expressing love, and of feeling loved through receiving. When you say that you want sex with another, he'll feel jealous - and if you've told him just how much you need sex to fulfil an emotional need, then he's probably justified in worrying about you making an emotional and loving connection with another man.

I've got no magic advice other than saying that taking the "we need to sort this out and we need to sort this out NOW" approach really did not work for me, as my wife felt constantly pressured. Letting your partner know that because you've had no sex for ages you're now wound up like a spring just waiting to unwind is not something that is going to make your partner feel like he can take tentative steps towards a compromise.

By backing off and reminding my wife that her happiness was my paramount concern, and that letting her know that I trusted her not to neglect my needs, even if waiting was hard for me, and letting her know that I would accept the possibility that it might not happen at all, we started to make progress - good progress. Your mileage may vary, but that's what's worked best for us.

[catrinac]

If you need to be in a "relationship" with someone who genuinely desires to have sex with you then you need to get a divorce. I understand that this is not what would be ideal but life is short.

Lollipop, I don't know about the prostitute idea. The whole point here is that I would like to be in a relationship where my sexual partner genuinely desires sex with me. I have always imagined that prostitutes have a lot of contempt for their customers, and very little genuine desire.