Rant: Friend said I just “can’t understand” their dating/relationship issues

[plant_enthusiast]

Recently, my best friend (who knows I’m aroace) asked me for dating advice. They were sad and upset and told me that I just “can’t understand” their dating/relationship issues because I don’t feel that. They’ve always come to me for advice on things like that and have always said I give good advice, and for some reason that comment about me not understanding was really hurtful.

I am happy to have found a label that describes my identity and experiences, but sometimes I’m sad to know that I won’t feel what so many others feel, which is I think why their comment bothered me so much (struggling with social expectations for relationships I guess). I hate that now that people know about my identity, they don’t ask me for advice on certain things or tend to avoid certain topics. They don’t even really ask me about what specifically being aroace means to me, and don’t seem to understand that both orientations exist on a spectrum, and although I might not feel sexual or romantic attraction, I still desire a close connection with someone in the future (QPR perhaps?) and that my friend doesn’t know that. In my mind, all of those types of relationships/attraction require similar actions that she was asking for advice about. I don’t want to be treated differently and what my friend said really upset me. Has anyone else experienced this happening with their friends? And how did you deal with it?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I wonder why they asked for advice. Or is it something they said after you shared something?
In whatever case  I'm sorry it makes you feel different. They could be more open minded. I wonder if you could share these feelings with them.

[Guest]

You should never give, or ask for, dating advice. It's like euthanasia...

[plant_enthusiast]

11 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I wonder why they asked for advice. Or is it something they said after you shared something?
In whatever case  I'm sorry it makes you feel different. They could be more open minded. I wonder if you could share these feelings with them.

They normally ask me for advice because we are best friends and they know I will always be honest about things. Tbh, I think they already kinda were leaning towards one option and my advice was saying the opposite. They were drunk and asking if they should message one of their previous talking stages (who, for context, they have tried to get with more than once for awhile). I had said no they probably just need to work on moving on, and I feel like they already kinda had an idea of what they wanted to do regardless of what I said. After they had made those comments to me about my sexuality I kinda just stopped engaging and told them to do whatever they felt was right. They apologized later for what they said but I don’t really feel like they understood how hurtful that was for me to hear from my best friend. I just told them thank you for the apology and then have barely talked to them for a few days because of all that. It also sucks that this friend is also part of the LGBTQIA+ community.

I guess I could try bringing it up. I just feel awkward bringing up the fact that that comment upset me, especially since we don’t really talk about my orientation. Nobody that knows about my orientation has ever really asked for any kind of details, like to them it’s something taboo I guess? I feel a lot of loneliness because of my sexuality sometimes because I feel like it’s different. I just don’t think they truly comprehend how isolated I feel sometimes 😕

[nanogretchen4]

When someone asks you whether they should make an obviously terrible relationship decision, it means that they have already decided to mess up their life by making the terrible relationship decision. In this case your friend apparently wants to fixate on someone they probably have never even met who is obviously not into them, and possibly get rejected and humiliated again, rather than accepting reality. I don't think you should give your friend any more relationship advice, not because of anything to do with your orientation, but because your friend only wants to hear that their terrible idea is brilliant and will totally work out for them. When they talk about relationships, just practice active listening, but if they ask for advice say something like, "Only you can make that decision."

 

However, it is totally reasonable to expect your friendship to be a two way street. I think you should tell your friend that their remark about your orientation was hurtful to you. Also, I think you should suggest alternating conversations about things your friend wants to talk about with things you want to talk about. For example, it sounds like the last conversation was all about your friend's relationship stuff. It sounds like a pretty long conversation on a topic chosen by your friend, and it sounds like you tried to participate in the conversation even if you misread what your friend was ready to hear. So next time you get together, I really do think it is your turn to talk about your orientation, your coming out journey, your feelings, and your hopes for the future for as long as your friend talked about someone they aren't even in a relationship with during your previous meeting. And I think your friend should practice active listening, but it might be just as well not to ask them for advice or opinions because they might not have listened to enough asexuals to know what they should not say. 

 

Now, your friend is probably not going to spontaneously start sharing time and attention fairly, especially if they have always hogged the spotlight in the past. You are going to have to discuss your friendship with your friend, and at least at first you and your friend will probably need to agree on specific times when it is your turn to control the conversation and talk about yourself and your friend's job is to support and validate you. Remind your friend of the agreement when necessary. Under no circumstances does your friend get to change the topic to themself when it's your turn to talk. And if your friend just won't share the spotlight, it may be time to focus on more equal and supportive friendships.

 

[plant_enthusiast]

1 hour ago, nanogretchen4 said:

When someone asks you whether they should make an obviously terrible relationship decision, it means that they have already decided to mess up their life by making the terrible relationship decision. In this case your friend apparently wants to fixate on someone they probably have never even met who is obviously not into them, and possibly get rejected and humiliated again, rather than accepting reality. I don't think you should give your friend any more relationship advice, not because of anything to do with your orientation, but because your friend only wants to hear that their terrible idea is brilliant and will totally work out for them. When they talk about relationships, just practice active listening, but if they ask for advice say something like, "Only you can make that decision."

 

However, it is totally reasonable to expect your friendship to be a two way street. I think you should tell your friend that their remark about your orientation was hurtful to you. Also, I think you should suggest alternating conversations about things your friend wants to talk about with things you want to talk about. For example, it sounds like the last conversation was all about your friend's relationship stuff. It sounds like a pretty long conversation on a topic chosen by your friend, and it sounds like you tried to participate in the conversation even if you misread what your friend was ready to hear. So next time you get together, I really do think it is your turn to talk about your orientation, your coming out journey, your feelings, and your hopes for the future for as long as your friend talked about someone they aren't even in a relationship with during your previous meeting. And I think your friend should practice active listening, but it might be just as well not to ask them for advice or opinions because they might not have listened to enough asexuals to know what they should not say. 

 

Now, your friend is probably not going to spontaneously start sharing time and attention fairly, especially if they have always hogged the spotlight in the past. You are going to have to discuss your friendship with your friend, and at least at first you and your friend will probably need to agree on specific times when it is your turn to control the conversation and talk about yourself and your friend's job is to support and validate you. Remind your friend of the agreement when necessary. Under no circumstances does your friend get to change the topic to themself when it's your turn to talk. And if your friend just won't share the spotlight, it may be time to focus on more equal and supportive friendships.

 

This is really helpful, thank you so much

[Garden Fairy]

Yes I can relate.  I HATE being written off as being incapable of having anything to say about or any insight concerning relationships that happen to include sex.  And honestly even though I do feel romantic attraction, some people don't believe my romantic feelings are 'real' without a sexual aspect.  It is maddening.  Observing and understanding people is like... one of my primary skills and interests, so having that important part of my identity and worth as a person completely dismissed just because I don't want to rub genitals with anyone feels incredibly insulting.  I agree with you that there is so much about any and all relationships that is basically the same, the desire for connection, being open and authentic, all the different emotions people have and communicate and the way we can misunderstand each other or project our own baggage on them, etc.  So much of the kind of advice needed to navegate friendship or family relationships is exactly the same for romantic relationships.  Not wanting sex, or even romance, doesn't exclude you from the emotional relational side of the human experience, it doesn't make you a robot who can't understand humans.  🙄