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But we have relationships without sex every day......


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I'm an asexual and I was just thinking of something you might want to think about. Many sexuals express that having sex is an essential part to a relationship such as understanding, love, loyalty, etc. Without sex, you often feel unattractive, undesired and unloved. But if you think about it, there are lots of relationships that exist without sex and they aren't just asexual ones.

You have your relationship with your kids, friends, parents, pets, etc. All those who you love but you don't become sexual with (I would hope). You don't need your children or parents to have sex with you to know that they love you. It's just automatically there with the emotional intimacy, caring, etc. It's an emotional build that is so strong, it doesn't need physical validation. I know it's not the same as romantic interest, but if you can feel loved by another person without sex, than why not with someone like an asexual girl/boyfriend? I'm ruling out the need for sexual pleasure, and focusing more of the emotional part of feeling unwanted or hurt.

Society teaches us that having sex means we are desirable, but what if we got rid of that mindset and realized lots of people love us without expressing it in sexual ways. So why do we force this onto relationships?

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You say that society tells us that sex means we're desirable, which is true -- society does tell us this. But I know lots of "undesirable" types who have sex -- not because they are "desirable" -- but because they are promiscuous and hang out with other undesirables. You know the kind I mean, they do drugs, they hang out all night long in a bar, they're a mess... that kind of stuff. So, remember, just because a person has sex, doesn't make them desirable, or a good person.

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I understand what you are saying Yay, there are plenty of relationships out there that do not and SHOULD not require sex to be loved. But...I already have a father, I already am a mother, I already have many male friends/buddies.

I do not want to be my husband's mother, or sister. I know my husband loves me and he feels bad that he doesn't provide me with what I need.

I need romantic intimacy and I need sex...part of it is to feel desired, but part of it is because it feels good. Part of it is because it is a very natural, normal healthy thing to do...for lots of people. Part of it is a physical need, it's like my body aches to be touched romantically/sexually...when I orgasm it's a release, my body feels relaxed, stress free.

I do not believe in marrying someone and then sleeping with someone else and I stay with my husband and I live without sex, and masturbation has become unfulfilling.

I desire a soft kiss on my neck...not a peck on my forehead like my father used to give me before bed. I need my husband's eyes to wander over me and look at me with desire...not to hear the daily repetition of 'you look lovely' because he thinks that makes me feel desired, when I can see that he hasn't even looked up at me.

I need him to touch me in bed and hear his breathing get shallow with excitement...not the routine of 'night night', as he turns away and I hear his breathing become regular because he is asleep.

I need after thirteen years for him to be comfortable with me when we are having sex...not to have it feel awkward and clumsy like it's the first time...every time.

I appreciate that there are lots of other types of relationships with love that don't involve romantic intimacy or sex, like siblings, parents and friends...and I can see where you are coming from.

It's just that I thought there was only one relationship with love that did involve romantic intimacy and sex...and that was marriage (or whatever term you would use to describe the union of two people romantically).

I guess I just don't understand, if there is no romantic intimacy or sex in a marriage/relationship, what does make it different from our relationship with our siblings or parents...if there is no difference why don't we marry them?

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I agree with nzraven - sexual people want that connection with their partner because to us it feels like not only the most natural thing in the world, but the best thing in the world - something that is an embodiment of all the trust and love we feel for our partners.

Of course not all sex is like that, but for those of us lucky enough to have sex with a real soulmate, it's genuinely that good, and that special. It has nothing at all to do with conquest, and everything to do with giving and sharing.

So....

If you have experienced that, and especially if you've experienced that with your current partner, than it can be devastating if you lose it.

It's so hard not to take it personally. You find yourself thinking "my partner knows how good this can be, and knows how special it is to me, and knows that my desire for that connection is generous - to give pleasure as well as recieve, and yet they don't want to share that with me."

Especially if your partner has had a higher level of desire in the past, this can feel like the relationship is failing, or your partner is growing tired of you. Any number of relationship problems could manifest themselves as a lowered level of desire, and you'd have to be pretty confident to rule them all out and say "it's just a change in my partners level of desire" - especially when the new level of desire is zero.

And often the hurt comes from a simple feeling that your partner won't compromise. Despite the refrain from many on this forum that they feel the world is pressuring them toward being sexual, it's the person who *doesn't* want sex that has all the power in a the sexual area of a sexual/asexual relationship. If they say "no" then "no" it is. Simple decency (as well as the law) say that they get to choose.

If your partner chooses not to do what they know makes you happy, even when 9 nights out of 10 (or 99 out of 100) you choose to do what makes them happy, then it's pretty natural to FEEL rejected, even if you KNOW you're still loved.

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I need romantic intimacy and I need sex...part of it is to feel desired, but part of it is because it feels good. Part of it is because it is a very natural, normal healthy thing to do...for lots of people. Part of it is a physical need, it's like my body aches to be touched romantically/sexually...when I orgasm it's a release, my body feels relaxed, stress free.

Can you also understand that, and this is orientated to my own experience

of asexuality and no-one elses ( as I know there as many different shades of asexuality as there are sexuality ), that the need for 'romantic' intimacy is there... but the 'physical' need for the most part is not.

I for example am quite alright expressing my romantic intimacy by hugs and kisses, whereas quite a lot of asexuals, wouldn't even be able to go to that level. What the physical act of sex/orgasm does for you 'gives you release/relaxes/frees you from stress, has the entirely opposite effect. You yourself would have to agree that when faced with something that causes stress/make you tense etc, given the choice you would try to avoid it.

People in general seem to have the idea when you mention asexuality, that you are TOTALLY devoid of feelings, automatons if you will. Asexuals experience desires.feelings,thought,dreams just as much as the next person.

I myself was in a relationship with someone for quite a few years, but in the end as I couldn't meet the 'physical' needs that were wanted, even though the 'romantic' needs of both were wonderful, we mutual decided to go our separate ways. Much as I 'loved' , I did not think i had the right to deny anyone their true desires, which i couldn't fulfill.

Others however, may not come to this realization quite so soon, they might try to please their partner, be something they aren't for fear of losing them etc.

I know this comment doesn't give you much solace, but at least it gives you a small point of view from 'one' asexuals perspective

~A~

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Yeah....it's hard because it is more an emotional thing in a relationship for a woman than it is for a man. It is a tough decision on which route to take. What options do you feel you have available?

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From what I understand, "classic" sexuals - romantic sexuals who feel sex is a valuable part of intimacy - feel they need BOTH sexual AND nonsexual relationships in their lives. It's all fine and good that they have friends and family, but they want a romance too, and they want their romance to be infused with sex, because the physical and emotional blend in with and enhance one another. There's nothing that can quite replace sexual love. And some of them have a hard time understanding what it's like to not desire that whole package of sexual love along with all the other kinds of relationships a person can have.

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Haha this reminded me of that Friends episode...

Ross: "I didn't mean to kiss her..."

Rachel: "What do you mean? It's not hard to NOT kiss somebody - look at us right now, NOT KISSING."

Seriously though, I think that romantic relationships are different to the relationships you have with your children/parents and most of your friends - generally they are intimate in a different way, mentally and physically, to the way you are intimately close to your family etc. And for most people (ie. sexuals), sex is a natural way to express that intimacy.

I do kind of wish sometimes that I was more sexual just so I had an easier way to show "how I feel" about my partner. I haven't had an asexual relationship yet but I know when I was with a sexual that sex felt like fake intimacy for me because it was 'pretend' on my part, and I did feel guilty a lot of the time because the shared closeness was so one-sided from her.

Sex is a much easier way to be intimate with somebody than with just words.

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Society teaches us that having sex means we are desirable, but what if we got rid of that mindset and realized lots of people love us without expressing it in sexual ways. So why do we force this onto relationships?

I am surprised by this question. Our world is probably 99% sexuals, so you have probably heard that sexuals feel a natural, instinctive sex drive, that they enjoy expressing it in sexual relationships with other sexuals, that they consider it a beautiful thing, that they don't typically "force" sex into relationships, and that sexuality is not a "mindset" (like political conservatism or religious faith), but an innate drive, a biological imperative, and an act of love. I mean, your question is kind of like a deaf person asking why doesn't the orchestra just stop playing, because he can't hear it.

The fact that there are other kinds of loving relationships doesn't mean we'd be better off without sexual relationships. That's like saying we should just stop making music, because paintings are better.

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That's not what I meant. I didn't say sexuality is a mindset, I said that "believing that having sex means we are desirable" is a mindset. Lots of people validate their self-image by believing that they are attractive because they can get people to sleep with them. Which isn't necessarily true. Lots of people have sex with those they aren't even really attracted to, in fact many couples become sexually unattracted to each other over time but they still love each other.

And I didn't say sex was forced into relationships, I said the idea that people do not love us unless they have sex with us was forced. Whenever there are sexual problems in a relationship, they always jump to conclusions that the other person does not love them but why does it have to mean that. Can't someone love you without being sexually attracted? Seeing as how you can love family members or pets without being sexually attracted.

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