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Looking for Answers, Please


BoredHousewife

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BoredHousewife

Hello.

I am hoping someone on this site can help with some answers, some hope, some understanding.....some anything.

I am a young woman who has been married for 6 years. My husband and I have been having problems, sexually for quite some time. I've been hurting over this for years now and am thinking that maybe, finally I might have an answer?

I am the "sexual" in the relationship. I think that perhaps, he is asexual. We do have sex, but I honstely feel that he doesn't care if we do or don't at all. If I don't bring it up, he won't at all. It's been two months now since we've had sex. I've given up. He doesn't touch me, he doesn't kiss me, and he says it's because if he does he knows it will lead to sex. And he doesn't want to make me "more turned on than I already am". Which really, really hurts.

He also has a real issue with nudity. He insists if we do anything that I be wearing clothing of some kind, and also that I am freshly showered. I've never understood this......

The problem is, I know he does look at pictures and movies of other women online, fairly often. This is why I am so confused. Can an asexual be interesting in watcing sex, but just not having it?

I hope I'm being sensitive to the needs of the people on this site. Please let me know if I am not. I'm just hoping there is someone out there who has been through a similar situation, or can possibly shed some light for me. I'm tired of crying and avoiding the situation. If I had some help, it would be much easier to discuss it with him.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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WOW! Ity's gotten so bad you are crying??? Well do you miss the sex part or do you miss the romantic part? All the cuddling and making out and lots of hugs or do you miss his body? Have you talked to him about any of this? You have to tell him in order to fix this relationship! Don't let this relationship die because of miscommunication! Talk to him about what YOU want and what YOU need.

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Try counseling. This can open up your communication to each other if doing it yourselves is a little awkward or doesn't flow as smoothly. This way you may be able to determine why he is the way he is or make some kind of compromise. I know that a lot of asexuals hold back on affection because they are afraid of creating expectations for sex. But if your husband knows that you will not try to make it into sex, then he will feel safer to hug or kiss you. As for watching other women on tv or the computer, many men do this even if they are sexually active with their wives. I think it's a release of tension or a form of relaxation without the actual physical work and stress of actually doing the deed with a person.

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BoredHousewife
WOW! Ity's gotten so bad you are crying??? Well do you miss the sex part or do you miss the romantic part? All the cuddling and making out and lots of hugs or do you miss his body? Have you talked to him about any of this? You have to tell him in order to fix this relationship! Don't let this relationship die because of miscommunication! Talk to him about what YOU want and what YOU need.

Yes. I've been crying for years. Kinda gotten used to it by now.....

We HAVE talked about it over and over. No resolution. I think I honestly do miss the kissing/cuddling/hugging more than the actual sex. I miss the intimacy much more than the sexual. He knows this, says he's sorry, he'll try, etc., yet nothing has changed. I thought if I knew he could possibly be asexual it might make the situation a little different, somehow?

We are going to be starting counceling soon. I hope that will help.

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The problem is, I know he does look at pictures and movies of other women online, fairly often. This is why I am so confused. Can an asexual be interesting in watcing sex, but just not having it?

Hi, I just wanted to respond to this part. I know from personal experience that it is possible to enjoy looking at things like that without wanting to engage in it. It may be aesthetically pleasing, but he may not feel the desire to participate. All I wanted to say is that there are definitely other people like this. I also know how painful it can be when you know someone wants more sexually in a relationship than you are able to give. He may care about you deeply still but may be frustrated with himself. Counseling, or at least very open communication with each other, is probably the most positive thing though, as others suggested.

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"I am the "sexual" in the relationship. I think that perhaps, he is asexual. We do have sex, but I honstely feel that he doesn't care if we do or don't at all. If I don't bring it up, he won't at all. It's been two months now since we've had sex. I've given up. He doesn't touch me, he doesn't kiss me, and he says it's because if he does he knows it will lead to sex. And he doesn't want to make me "more turned on than I already am". Which really, really hurts." Well, don't feel hurt. Remember, if he really is asexual, his lack of interest is not about you. If Cindy Crawford walked in the room, he'd probably be the same with her, too.

He also has a real issue with nudity. He insists if we do anything that I be wearing clothing of some kind, and also that I am freshly showered. I've never understood this...... Yeah, well, once again, it's probably not you. Some people just don't like all that nudity. I know I don't. I feel that most people actually look better with their clothes on, but that's me.

The problem is, I know he does look at pictures and movies of other women online, fairly often. This is why I am so confused. Can an asexual be interesting in watcing sex, but just not having it? Now, this one I don't know if I can answer. I guess some asexual people sometimes look at pics, but it's not my thing, so I can't tell you why...

I hope I'm being sensitive to the needs of the people on this site. Please let me know if I am not. I'm just hoping there is someone out there who has been through a similar situation, or can possibly shed some light for me. I'm tired of crying and avoiding the situation. If I had some help, it would be much easier to discuss it with him. Well, we hope we can help you out. Sorry to hear you're not happy. Remember, if another person is asexual -- it's not about you. They'd feel the same about Pamela Anderson, Britney Spears, and Tyra Banks... So if he really is asexual, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means he doesn't love sex.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Well, good luck. Hope it works out for you.

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am a young woman who has been married for 6 years. My husband and I have been having problems, sexually for quite some time. I've been hurting over this for years now and am thinking that maybe, finally I might have an answer?

How was your sex life when you got married ? Did you have the impression that your husband enjoyed sex back then or did you always have to pressure him to have sex ? If the latter is the case, then he is probably asexual. If he used to enjoy sex, then he probably has some medical or psychological problem that lead him to be afraid of sex and intimacy.

We are going to be starting counceling soon. I hope that will help

That will help. Its import to both be honest about what your desires are (be they sexual or asexual). A good councillor should be able to sort this out if both parties are willing.

I wish you all the best !

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sounds rough, especially since even though i'm asexual you'd think the idea that someone wouldn't give you at least some physical affection if they knew it hurt you not to have it is hard. i'd hope for couseling and that it does some good.

also, i have no idea with the looking at pictures or what, but i'd say that could be relevant. worth mentioning or talking about.

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It's definitely possible to like poronography without wanting it in real life, I read erotic stuff sometimes and enjoy it but there's no way I'd actually want to experience it.

Your husband might be asexual if he has always been like this, but it's impossible for me to tell. Perhaps you should talk to him about asexuality, if he doesn't know about it he may be feeling bad about himself, thinking he's defective for not liking sex.

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Bored house wife,

I've not been in a similar situation, but I can sense the pain you're in. I agree with the others that counseling could help you and your husband identify your needs and wants in your relationship, and help you understand one another. Counseling can also help determine boundaries of what you each are and aren't willing to do. I do have to wonder, was your relationship always this way? Or did something change? Has he experienced anything stressful or anything that could cause depression or a change in his needs? Have you? It sounds like you genuinely care about your relationship and want to work on it. Good luck with the counselor and let us know how it goes.

Yellow

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