A Question for Sexuals... Caution, may contain explicit answ

[Looking]

I have not yet fully decided if I want to label myself as Asexual, I guess a part of me is just afraid of how hard it might be to find someone to love if I am afraid to get close to them because I do not want sex particularly.

I have been talking with a (very sexual) Friend of mine (just friend, he's gay I'm female, nuff said) and he told me that he feels that he could not live without sex if faced with the choice. He told me that he needs sex in his life. Now for reasons outside of my considerations of Asexuality though it may have flavoured my reasoning, I do not think sex is one of those things that we need as a basic human need, we need things like food, shelter and companionship, but my question to the other sexuals around the board who feel willing to share is does that companionship to you need to have sex go along with it?

My friend is refusing to elaborate anything he says, instead continually starting to use the excuse that 'well that explains why you don't understand anything. He's also using it as an excuse to completely invalidate everything I say about anything because as far as he is concerned it does not apply to him anymore if it turns out I really am asexual. So I am asking anyone willing to answer who is also a sexual:

Do you feel you need sex?

Could you willingly give sex up for someone you loved or is it too strong a need?

What feelings go with it that make it such a strong need if yes to either/both of the above?

What does it feel like when you are sexually attracted to a person?

What does it feel like when you have sex with someone you love?

Does casual sex feel the same way or different and if different how is it different?

Thanks in advance for anyone who answers me, I really appreciate it :)

[Hallucigenia]

My experience is that some sexual people need sex more than others. But saying that all your thoughts on sexuality must be wrong because you're asexual is a bit of an ad hominem argument. :? Poo to your friend.

I'll try and give your questions a shot, but take them with a grain of salt: I consider myself sexual, but I haven't had sex, nor do I intend to in the foreseeable future, which would also invalidate my responses in some people's eyes since I don't truly know what I'm missing. Also, I sometimes identify myself in the "grey" part of the spectrum instead of as a straightforward sexual, though I'm shying away from that at the moment, and there are a lot of things about my sexuality that I'm perfectly aware that I haven't figured out yet.

Heckuva disclaimer. Okay. Question time.

Do you feel you need sex?

No. If I needed it, I coulda had it by now.

But there are two ways in which I can understand people saying they need sex. One is that sometimes sexual people get really turned on and crave sexual stimulation very badly and get upset if they can't have it, kinda the way you would if you were hungry and couldn't eat or were sleepy and still had a million things to do before bed, or whatever. This hardly ever happens to me (which is one of the reasons I've flirted heavily with the "grey" label) but I have known what it's like on occasion. Desires that are that strong and recur a lot can easily be described as "needs", even if technically they're not.

Also, there is a real sense in which people need to be in touch with their own sexual feelings in order to keep their mental health intact. This doesn't necessarily mean going out and having sex all the time, but it means understanding what your sexual desires are and having healthy ways to let that energy out, whether it's through sex or masturbation or fantasizing or by sublimating it into some other pursuit if you know how to do that. If you repress it all and tell yourself it's all horrible and don't let yourself acknowledge it, there can be some negative consequences, the same as with any strong feelings that are repressed.

Could you willingly give sex up for someone you loved or is it too strong a need?

At this point in my life I'd give a qualified yes to that, simply because I am living without sex and it isn't too bad so I don't see how having someone I loved involved would make it any worse.

However, I wouldn't intentionally get into a romantic relationship with an asexual person (gray-A is okay, though). It isn't just the lack of sex, it's the knowledge that if I did that, my romantic partner - the one person that I'm socially allowed to share my sexuality with - would be someone who is completely alienated by it or even repulsed. That would be an unhappy situation for me. Sexuality isn't just about having sex for me. It's a whole way of thinking about people and bodies and sensations and certain types of affection. Even if I was totally happy never having sex, I'd feel like I was always accidentally pushing this part of myself on a person who wishes it would go away, just by whatever little gestures of affection I did make, and that would suck.

What does it feel like when you are sexually attracted to a person?

It's really hard to explain, actually.

An important distinction I often make is that arousal is physical and attraction is mental. When you're attracted to someone, it isn't just your body responding (though that can be a big part of it, since body and mind are connected in all kinds of fun ways). It's also a mental thing - you experience sexual thoughts of them that are compelling and difficult to dismiss, and you begin to really enjoy the idea of doing something sexual with them, even if you wouldn't really do it with that person (for whatever reason) in real life.

It isn't something that's constantly present - at least not at a noticeable intensity - even when you're around the person. But it makes you pay more attention to them, and when they do certain things - like paying attention to you back, or making an attractive movement, or touching you (even in a nonsexual way) - you can get a huge response. (It also depends on things like your hormone levels that day, in my experience.)

Obviously I can't answer the questions about what sex feels like. XD

Anyway I hope that helped at least somewhat. I know I'm not the best explainer in the world.

You might also want to check out the sticky entitled "The Official Sexual/Asexual Q&A Thread", if you haven't already. It's chock full of questions like these ones.

[Revenge of Rain]

I feel almost the same as Hallucigenia on this. I haven't had sex either so I can't answer everything. I'll do a few.

'Do you feel you need sex?'

Not like a meth addict or anything. There are times when I want someone so strongly it's more or less unbearable. Wanting to have sex with them only makes part of that though.

'Could you willingly give sex up for someone you loved or is it too strong a need? '

I think I could be close to someone I wanted sexually without ever doing it. They would have to be okay with the fact that I wanted to though, and not be bothered if I started acting like it.

[pupsbabygirl]

Do you feel you need sex?

Could you willingly give sex up for someone you loved or is it too strong a need?

What feelings go with it that make it such a strong need if yes to either/both of the above?

What does it feel like when you are sexually attracted to a person?

What does it feel like when you have sex with someone you love?

Does casual sex feel the same way or different and if different how is it different?

Thanks in advance for anyone who answers me, I really appreciate it :)

i dun think i need sex

i think i can giv it up..

i answer no

sexually attracted?? feel wan to hug kiss n cuddling?? but no taking off cloth thingxD.haha..

cnt answer that..

casual sex..dun involve feeling..ewww..sickening..

[P.V.P.]

I am a "gray sexual" like the others who have answered here; I have a few things in common with A's. But I'll answer anyway, as best I can.

Do you feel you need sex?

No. I probably wouldn't want to live without fantasy or masturbation, or live without any outlet for the sexual feelings I do have.

Could you willingly give sex up for someone you loved or is it too strong a need?

Kind of N/A, but I don't think I'd mind never having sex in my life. In fact, it would be relieving to never have sex in my life, so I don't have to face all the crap I don't want to face. I've never had sex thus far. It would be hard for me to give up, say, dirty humor or explicit conversational topics, but I'd probably try if someone felt threatened by them. I have no problem keeping my arousal a secret if I'm so inclined, and being a girl makes this easier, because nobody can tell you're turned on if you have your clothes on except by your behavior. It might have been more difficult if I were a guy, but I guess in that case I'd just wear tight undies or something.

What feelings go with it that make it such a strong need if yes to either/both of the above?

N/A

What does it feel like when you are sexually attracted to a person?

I think I've really only been noticeably sexually attracted to a person once.

I was curious about what it might be like to explore sexuality with him, and would think about that idea a lot. (It wasn't enough for me to overcome my fear of sex, though.) I occasionally feel that way around my boyfriend - like it might be interesting to explore. I've done very little exploring, though, because my general attitude is that sex isn't worth the trouble.

What does it feel like when you have sex with someone you love?

N/A

Does casual sex feel the same way or different and if different how is it different?

N/A

But I mostly only fantasize about casual sex, because I'm actually scared by the thought of sexual dependency or strong sexual attachment to someone.

[Hallucigenia]

Okay, so lots of gray-As. Where's BunnyK when you need her? :?

[Konga]

Here are some answers from a sexual who stumbled across this site.

Do you feel you need sex?

Yes. My need for sex stems from the emotional closeness I expect in a relationship. You could say I'm sexually attracted to actions and behaviors of my partner (in addition to basic physical attraction). So seeing them smile, be playful, best me in an argument or discussion spurs sexual desire within me. That being said as far as sexual activity goes 3-5 times a week is what I shoot for.

Could you willingly give sex up for someone you loved or is it too strong a need?

The same feelings of repression and depression I would assume attack an asexual person when they're forced to be sexual, certainly do a number on a sexual person with an asexual partner. Because a significant amount of my sexual desire comes from the emotional relationship I have with my partner, it is very hard to rationalize that love and sexual desire are seperate in an asexual. The lack of requited desire from an asexual partner certainly makes me feel miserable. Could I willingly give up sex, I could try but it would not last. I do not want my life to be without sex. I am not the type of person who would "delegate" sexual duties to a mistress. I would not be able to handle the lack of a significant sexual component in my relationships.

What feelings go with it that make it such a strong need if yes to either/both of the above?

See Above.

What does it feel like when you are sexually attracted to a person?

See below.

What does it feel like when you have sex with someone you love?

You feel an intense desire, a passion to be close to them, to please them, to share this experience with them. You want them to make you feel good. After sex however is when the real strong emotions kick in. You feel the intense feeling to snuggle, to be close to your significant other. To hold and kiss them basking in the euphoric sexual afterglow. You are happy, free of stress, relaxed, calm, perfect. To be warm and close to the person you love is the only thing in the world you desire. Your thoughts float between how much you love this person and calm nothingness.

Does casual sex feel the same way or different and if different how is it different?

Casual sex is entirely different and honestly very meaningless. The biggest difference I have noticed, possibly because of my personal emotional connection => sexual desire link, is that casual sex really is just to satisfy the physical sexual need. I've always seen casual sex as a weakness in character. All the stereotypes of treating girls like sex objects, pieces of meat and otherwise were accurately derived from casual sex observations. You don't care what the other person is feeling or doing, you're completely focused on extracting the most fun out of the encounter as you can. It is completely centered around yourself, you could care less about the experience of the person beneath you. I have never enjoyed casual sex as though it provides a significant burst of adrenaline and an orgasm, perhaps "bragging rights" whenever you're telling stories, its a shallow, weak, without substance... it does not provide the "come cuddle with me" after effect, the intense desire to be close to the one you love, the emotional bliss and euphoric afterglow that I experience when having sex with someone I love.

[Revenge of Rain]

Okay, so lots of gray-As. Where's BunnyK when you need her? :?

Dunno about you but I'm a beautiful golden-brown-A :lol:

You're right though... a lot of the sexual people on this forum aren't really typical.

[P.V.P.]

Okay, so lots of gray-As. Where's BunnyK when you need her? :?

Dunno about you but I'm a beautiful golden-brown-A :lol:

You're right though... a lot of the sexual people on this forum aren't really typical.

I have to wonder if the BunnyKs and Chiaroscuros are not as common as people think.

Unfortunately, there are no real good ways to get accurate statistics on people and their attitudes.

[BunnyK.]

Where's BunnyK when you need her?

*wave*!

I have to wonder if the BunnyKs and Chiaroscuros are not as common as people think.

My theory is that most people are not quite as driven as we are, but not quite as un-driven as, for example, Hallucigenia. It's also not just one spectrum - some people might have a high drive, but a low need to express it in a relationship, and some people might have a lower drive, but wouldn't be happy in a relationship without it. I'm on the high end of both spectrums.

As for the questions (many of which Hallu already answered very well):

Do you feel you need sex?

Will I die without it? No. Would I willingly choose to live my life without it? No. Would I be even weirder than I already am if I was denied a sexual outlet? I think it's highly probable.

I would consider it a "need", but more in the class of need like showers or cars - you're not going to die, but it'll make you pretty damn miserable not to have it.

Could you willingly give sex up for someone you loved or is it too strong a need?

I wouldn't. For me, my sexuality is such a big and enjoyable part of who I am that I would feel like I was being asked to give up a leg. I would utterly resent it, hate my life, be depressed, and quite possibly leave in a cloud of poisoned feelings. I have no interest in giving it a try, and any sane asexual would run the other way from me and my grabby hands. :lol:

What feelings go with it that make it such a strong need if yes to either/both of the above?

I guess it's just that I love expressing that part of myself, and sharing it with another person. I love secret sexy kisses that promise more later. I love feeling sexy. I love other people's bodies (specifically my boyfriend's, at the moment) and having the opportunity to make them so happy physically. I love the intimacy, the humor, the need, the intensity of the emotions that it engenders. I love the happy floaty afterglow, and sharing that with another person is just the best.

What does it feel like when you are sexually attracted to a person?

I don't really know if I can describe it. It's kind of like being hungry - except not with your stomach. You drink that person in with your eyes, or feel a tickle in your skin if you get too close. The merest brush can give you goosebumps. You want to touch them.

What does it feel like when you have sex with someone you love?

Physically - it's one of the best sensations ever.

Emotionally - possibly not all sexuals react like I do, but it's a really intense bonding feeling. I feel really lovey and tender afterwards.

Does casual sex feel the same way or different and if different how is it different?

It feels good physically, but not as good; emotionally it's nothing like the same. It is more of a physical thing.

[Dame du Lac]

Another grey/borderline case here!

Do you feel you need sex?

Except for having some experience - what Hallu said above.

Could you willing give sex up for someone you loved or is it just too strong a need?

I don't have any need for sex, but I do want to have biological children so I would want a partner who was willing to father them. He wouldn't need to be "good" at intercourse, just able. I can't envisage ever feeling the need to have intercourse beyond for procreation, but if I was in a relationship I would want physical closeness and some of that would involve touch that would be classed as sexual even if it wasn't technically classed as sex.

What strong feelings etc.?

Although I don't generally feel strongly romantic, I do sometimes feel that I would very much like to be deeply in love and the desire for physical closeness goes hand in hand with that desire to love. I would like to feel what BunnyK feels "I love the intimacy, the humor, the need, the intensity of the emotions that it engenders. I love the happy floaty afterglow, and sharing that with another person is just the best."

What does it feel like when you are sexually attracted to a person?

I do occasionally feel sexual attraction, but it doesn't last long enough for me to act on it. But what BunnyK said when it does happen!

What does it feel like when you have sex with someone you love?

Unfortunately, I have never been in love so can't anwer this. Again, though, I'd like to feel what BunnyK does. Physically, I could see that with more experience I could probably enjoy it more. Emotionally, I fear that I will not experience that closeness through sex.

Does casual sex feel the same way or different and if different how is it different?

The only genital sex I've had has been on a one night stand (with a friend). Physically it was pleasurable, but emotionally I was quite detached and I was surprised in the morning that it hadn't made me feel intimate, or spark a desire to see this person as more than a friend. If he'd been a stranger I would not have thought anything of this lack of emotion. But he was someone I found physically attractive and got on well with (still get on well with) and prior to spending the night with him, if he'd have asked me on a date I'd have said yes.

I'm sorry this answer is a bit of a mess; I haven't yet got to grips with making seperate quotes work.

[Hallucigenia]

I have to wonder if the BunnyKs and Chiaroscuros are not as common as people think.

My theory is that most people are not quite as driven as we are, but not quite as un-driven as, for example, Hallucigenia.

I think that is a very likely theory.

Much as I like the "everyone's gray!" line of thinking, I would like to advise everyone who's read this far into the thread that these forums are likely to vastly overrepresent the number of gray-(a)sexuals, for a number of reasons:

- Gray folks don't really have anywhere else besides AVEN to talk about being gray, because as far as I know, the concept of it (or at least the concept of it being a normal healthy variation) doesn't exist outside of these forums and the accompanying Wiki/articles.

- Many gray folks have at least toyed with the idea of being asexual, which would send them here same as a real asexual. Some gray folks are "late bloomers" who used to really believe they were asexual and are now slowly experiencing the beginnings of sexual feelings, while others may simply feel alienated by sexual society.

- Most sexual people (unless they feel strongly about being gray, see above) don't have any reason to hang around here, really. It is very cool that people like BunnyK like to do it anyway, but I think to do that you probably need to be very interested in asexuality-related topics, and there's no particular reason that most sexual people would want to give it much thought, beyond "oh, okay, some people don't like sex, worldview expanded, done now". Even having an asexual partner doesn't always keep people around for long, especially in the face of quite a lot of resentment towards sexual people and society which is expressed here because there's no other safe place to do it. Which is all the more reason to applaud the Chias and the BunnyK's for all the work they do helping different people try to understand each other!

So yeah, just because we're bursting at the seams with gray folks in here doesn't mean much in particular.

I have read that a large proportion of women (20% to 50% or so depending on source) have low sex drives, which is usually (predictably) cast as a problem, but I'm not sure how many of those women are genuinely happy with their sex drives and how many are genuinely dysfunctional (i.e. they used to have high sex drives, lost them for some reason, miss them, and are sad now).

Personally, I'm more or less content with my low drive, but at the same time, sexuality is important to me, even though I don't want to go out and have intercourse just yet. It's kinda hard to explain, and it's one of the reasons I don't really identify as "gray" anymore.

[!zzy]

Do you feel you need sex?

I don't need sex. It's another layer to the relationship. I guess I enjoy complexity, and physical intimacy is one of my vices, I guess.

Could you willingly give sex up for someone you loved or is it too strong a need?

I've been asking myself this for a long time now. Could I give it up for the rest of my life for someone I loved? I might be able to, but really, I worry about doing it for no reason. I don't know how to explain beyond that.

What feelings go with it that make it such a strong need if yes to either/both of the above?

It's like sharing a really deep emotional secret, to me. Only physical. Just as pleasurable as whispering sweet nothings, but in a different sense.

What does it feel like when you are sexually attracted to a person?

There are so many ways to describe it, it really depends on the person. I don't know how to phrase it.

What does it feel like when you have sex with someone you love?

Completely fulfilling. Not only can you take on the world, but you find it trying to help you, instead.

Does casual sex feel the same way or different and if different how is it different?

I don't know if my other experiences counted as casual or not. I was attracted to her, but not really in love, per se. However, when you're in love with someone, you find yourself reacting more to their touch. You subconsciously will yourself to feel better around them, or at least, more.

For me, anyway.

[Tool1989]

Do you feel you need sex?

Nope. Some people actually say they do, but if you would trade sex in for your girlfreidn/boyfriend, then they aren't worth being with becauseyou are just using them in my opinion.

Could you willingly give sex up for someone you loved or is it too strong a need?

Yes. Respecting your partner is something you need to do. Respect their decisions no matter what it is.

What feelings go with it that make it such a strong need if yes to either/both of the above?

---------

What does it feel like when you are sexually attracted to a person?

I guess it would be the same if you were emotionally attracted to the person: you feel inseperable and wanna hug them everyday you see them.

What does it feel like when you have sex with someone you love?

All I know is that oral sex is uncomfortable and disgusting.

Does casual sex feel the same way or different and if different how is it different?

-----------

[Olivier]

What Konga, BunnyK and !zzy said!

I'm not sure I can add to how superbly well those three have expressed it, other than to say that for me at least while half the attraction is getting all the feelings that the other posts have mentioned, there's an immense satisfaction and feeling of closeness from the knowledge that you have given someone you love that experience.

[Looking]

So are most of these answers based off of good sex or sex in general or sex with someone who you know has the same feelings? For instance if an asexual didn't get anything from sex but they knew you did and they tried really hard to please you sexually but they literally felt nothing from it, would that make it bad sex or would you take the same pleasure in their love in attempting to please you though it did nothing for them and they didn't find the same enjoyment in it?

[Olivier]

So are most of these answers based off of good sex or sex in general or sex with someone who you know has the same feelings?

Good sex (which by definition for me is with someone you know has the same feelings). Sure it's not transcendentally good every time, but you asked what makes us feel we need it, and it's those good experiences that make me want to keep coming back.

For instance if an asexual didn't get anything from sex but they knew you did and they tried really hard to please you sexually but they literally felt nothing from it, would that make it bad sex

Not at all.

or would you take the same pleasure in their love in attempting to please you though it did nothing for them and they didn't find the same enjoyment in it?

Absolutely. My partner is asexual, so I can't have great sexual/sexual sex, because my partner is the only person I'm attracted to. The fact that she chooses to do things for me that do nothing for her (she doesn't hate sex, she's just totally indifferent) I see a great and loving gift.

What's harder for me is to reconcile the fact that I want to be equally giving, but whatever gifts I try to bring to sex, the reaction is "Whatever." Just once in a while I'd love a "Wow, that was good, do that some more!" But I get that when I give my wife massages, so it's not all bad

[!zzy]

So are most of these answers based off of good sex or sex in general or sex with someone who you know has the same feelings? For instance if an asexual didn't get anything from sex but they knew you did and they tried really hard to please you sexually but they literally felt nothing from it, would that make it bad sex or would you take the same pleasure in their love in attempting to please you though it did nothing for them and they didn't find the same enjoyment in it?

I've only had bad(ish) sex once, and it was because I wasn't feeling up to it, and there wasn't the strongest connection.

It's best when you think you both feel the same way. I've never actually had sex with an asexual or someone who didn't respond to what I did at all. It'd probably really bother me, because some of my greatest pleasure comes from making others feel good. I think that's why I like giving massages so much. I almost always get reactions, and they're good.

So I dunno, having sex with someone that was asexual but really loved me... I dunno how it'd go down.