New Here, Opinions Wanted On My Situation.

[Engaged]

Hello,

I have just recently found this site. I have read quite a few posts but am looking for some opinions on my relationship situation.

I am a sexual female, mid 40's and my bf is late 40's.We have been dating for going on a year and are planning on getting married soon.

He is very affectionate...very flirty, holds hands, kisses me, cuddles. But he does not want to engage in the sex act itself very often. And it is getting less and less all the time. When it does happen, I am always the agressor.

We have talked about it. He says he has always been this way...has went years without having sex at all. That sex is over-rated. In spite of having a history of almost always having a woman in his life in some form or other. Girlfriends, live-in girlfriends but never been married before. He has also told me that every woman he has ever had a relationship with, has cheated on him. (I am starting to understand why that has happened)

He gets offended if I touch him in a sexual way...(read=area). He tells me that I offend him with my constant sexual needs.

I wonder if he is asexual and worry that after we marry, our sex life will become non-existant. I worry that he is only having sex with me now because he is afraid I will split up with him if he doesn't take care of my needs.

I am crazy in love with this man and want to understand what is going on. I have asked him if he thinks he is asexual and he said he didn't think so. Though I don't think he had ever heard the term before and had never considered it.

Sorry my post is so long but I need to lay the ground work in hope of getting some feedback on my situation.

My question...does this sound like asexual behaviour?

[M51]

Okay first, the disclaimer: I don't know you or your boyfriend so I cannot tell you if he is or is not asexual.

Now for my thoughts...

I am a female, straight asexual.

A lot of people do not think of themselves as asexual because they still feel romantic and physical attraction. I myself can be very physically attracted to a man, and want to touch him, run my hands down his back and chest, hold hands, cuddle, kiss...but I don't want sex. All of these physical urges are, to me, completely separate from the sexual areas of the body or from sexual activities. I also can feel strong romantic attraction for a person, desiring an intimate emotional relationships, wanting to know what he is doing and what he is thinking and feeling...and often the physical attraction and romantic attraction combine. But neither of them, alone or combined, ever result in a desire for sex. Ever. I therefore consider myself asexual.

So could your boyfriend be asexual? Yes. Perhaps you could show him what I just wrote above and see if he relates to that. Keep in mind that there are countless variations of people who consider themselves asexual or hyposexual, so he most likely will not fit into a nice little box.

I've been on this board a while and one thing I have seen is that if asexuals do not recognize themselves as asexuals, they tend to have a harder time making progress towards compromise in a relationship. Once you realize, "Okay, this is who I am. I am not going to change, and there is nothing wrong with me, but I have to make some choices if I want this relationship to work..." it becomes a lot easier to communicate what you need and to find out what you are willing to compromise.

Frequently people who do not realize they are asexual continue bashing themselves into that brick wall of sexuality, thinking they can fake it for the sake of a relationship, or thinking that it will "turn on" someday. As far as I have seen this does not happen. Instead, resentment builds for reasons the asexual does not understand, and the asexual tends to become less and less willing/able to compromise with a sexual partner.

So if your boyfriend is asexual, I think realizing it, and possibly coming here to talk about it and work it out, could be VERY beneficial to him and to your relationship.

But one thing that both partners need to realize is that this is not a one way street. Neither partner is wrong. Neither partner is broken. In our over-sexed world it is common for the sexual partner to feel that s/he is more in the right, or more justified, than the asexual partner. You cannot have this mentality in a relationship. Even if 99% of the people in this world are sexual, only 50% of the people in your relationship are sexual, meaning you do not have the majority vote when it comes to your relationship.

So I would advise both partners to drop all preconceived notions about what a "proper" relationship should be at the door and start from square one, defining your unique relationship on your own terms as you go.

Some things for the sexual to keep in mind:

*Lack of desire for sex does not equal lack of desire/love for you.

*Lack of desire for sex does not equal lack of attraction for you. You are still the hottest woman he's ever met...he just doesn't respond to hotness the way most men do.

*Sex is not a good gauge of relationship health.

So if he does relate to being asexual or hyposexual, I suggest you two sit down BEFORE you get married and do some soul-searching. Completely independent of each other, what are you willing to compromise? What do you absolutely need? That is, for a second forget about what the other person wants or needs and figure out a healthy level of need and compromise for yourself - not an ideal, but just a level you could live with. Once you have that, then talk to your partner and see if there is some middle ground.

Good luck, and welcome to AVEN.

[Blueflare]

Sounds like he may be asexual to me. You might be right in thinking that he's only agreeing to sex now to try and keep you, too...

I think you need to talk about it and try to reach some kind of compromise.

[Chiaroscuro]

I wonder if he is asexual and worry that after we marry, our sex life will become non-existant. I worry that he is only having sex with me now because he is afraid I will split up with him if he doesn't take care of my needs.

Hi Engaged,

As a sexual man married to an asexual woman (17 years next month), I would strongly caution you to be very clear in your mind about what you expect marriage to be like. Sex is the one non-negotiable in marriage. If you want a sexual relationship, and your husband doesn't, you're trapped. Everything else you can compromise on: he likes baseball, you don't, no problem. He'll take a pal to the game. You like pottery, he doesn't, you go with friends. Sex is the one thing you can NO LONGER HAVE if your husband decides he's not interested. Alternatively, you divorce or negotiate an open marriage, neither option easy.

It's a very big deal. You're right to be thinking about it now. Of course you love him and he loves you, but do you have to be romantically "in love"? Or can you be really, really good friends?

best of luck,

Chiaroscuro

[Engaged]

Thank you for the replies.

This is a lot to take in and consider. I have been married multiple times prior. This is my first experience in knowing someone who might be asexual.

At first, I thought he was "normal", whatever that is. Then I thought he was being cautious and considerate when he wanted to take the sexual thing slow...all the while wanting to spend all his free time with me.

Then, I wanted to blame it on his age...when it became apparent that there was no disfunction involved. Lots of guys by this age aren't as active as they once were, after all.

By the time I realized what might be really going on, I was already quite emotionally involved.

What a hard place to find one's self in. To be sure, none of us are perfect. I know in my heart that I would never leave a spouse or cheat on them if they suddenly became unable to have a sex life due to accident or illness.

He is such a wonderful man in all other ways. He is even quite wonderful in this way...once he decides that is what he is going to do. :oops:

It is sure hard on a gal's ego. It makes me feel like he just doesn't find me attractive in that way.

I have been cheated on by other men in my past. Am I wrong in thinking that this guy is less likely to do that in our future?

Also, I am considering that sex is likely to become less important to me in the near future since I am already in my mid 40s.

The good news...we are talking about it. He doesn't really want to talk about it but will for brief periods of time. I have told him my fear of no sex after we marry and he tells me that won't happen. But I still have my doubts. Plus it would pretty much eliminate my enjoyment, thinking he didn't really want to.

[Chiaroscuro]

What a hard place to find one's self in. To be sure, none of us are perfect. I know in my heart that I would never leave a spouse or cheat on them if they suddenly became unable to have a sex life due to accident or illness.

It is a hard place to find yourself in, E. But at least you're looking at the issue, and talking about it, while you have the freedom to choose. It's a hard thing to think about for the reason you express. I feel guilty wanting a sexual relationship with someone. I'd love to have it with my wife, but that's not possible. So do I sacrifice that part of myself to stay with her? That feels unhealthy and wrong. Do I sacrifice our marriage to find someone with whom I can have a sexual relationship? That feels selfish. Tricky stuff.

best,

-Chiaroscuro

[AliceInWonderland]

Also, I am considering that sex is likely to become less important to me in the near future since I am already in my mid 40s.

My sex drive has gone up with age. I enjoy it now better than I ever have. So, what you wrote above might not necessarily happen...

Maybe you should price sex toys now.

Good luck.

[M51]

At first' date=' I thought he was "normal", whatever that is. Then I thought he was being cautious and considerate when he wanted to take the sexual thing slow...all the while wanting to spend all his free time with me.

Then, I wanted to blame it on his age...when it became apparent that there was no disfunction involved. Lots of guys by this age aren't as active as they once were, after all.

By the time I realized what might be really going on, I was already quite emotionally involved.[/engaged']

Yes, unfortunately that is what tends to happen when the asexual does not realize s/he is asexual...

Again, not saying for sure your bf IS asexual, but it sure sounds like he is at least hyposexual.

It is sure hard on a gal's ego. It makes me feel like he just doesn't find me attractive in that way.

As an asexual, I wish I could magically make you understand that he is still probably quite attracted to you, especially if he wants to spend all his free time with you. But I understand that it is difficult for sexuals to understand/accept that just as it is difficult for asexuals to understand/accept how important sex is to you.

But if he IS asexual, then he most likely does NOT find you attractive "in that way". It doesn't mean you AREN'T attractive sexually...just that he is incapable of appreciating your hot, womanly sexiness. He can still find you incredibly attractive in every other way, and he certainly doesn't find you sexually unattractive...he just does not register sexual attractiveness at all, whether good or bad. It is not a hit on you....So all I can say is, try not to let it get you down (I know, easier said than done).

I have been cheated on by other men in my past. Am I wrong in thinking that this guy is less likely to do that in our future?

Assuming he is asexual...No, you are not wrong. He is far less likely to cheat, almost certain not to. The only thing you might worry about is that if you begin to drift apart he may "cheat" emotionally.

I am glad you are talking about it. Again, good luck!

[thylacine]

Yeah... M51 has some good advice, plus, I agree, he sounds like he might be asexual.

You know, he sounds like a really nice person. There are probably a lot of people who are probably "awesome" in the bedroom but not awesome at being nice people... then there are people who are probably pretty dull in bed but wonderfully awesome people in other ways... So I guess you gotta just decide what you want in life, right?

Maybe besides talking to him, you should spend some time alone doing some thinking about what you want? Just my opinion.

If it were me, I'd marry him. But then, I'm asexual... so sex isn't necessary in my life. You probably feel differently about it.

[jr1]

just let him go at his own pace

[Engaged]

I am wondering...We do have sex. Maybe twice a month now. And I wonder about the whole arousal process.

If he isn't sexually attracted to me in what is thought to be the norm, how does he get an erection?

I guess I am wondering if he is actually taking care of that part himself...possibly masturbating some first.

I guess it doesn't matter. I am just curious. He is big on waking me up to have sex...hmmm.

This is the so new to me. My last guy was the total opposite. Everything revolved around sex. And he cheated on me in the end.

And so much for stereotypes. My guy is over 6 feet tall, very good looking and fit, a bad boy biker dude type...go figure. He had had stunner good looking girlfriends in the past...and like I said before, he claims all cheated on him.

Also interesting, when he will have sex, he is actually quite excellent at it.

I guess I would rather have good sex once in a while than bad sex more often.

I love sex. I am probably more like your average horny man when it comes to sex. Life would be a lot easier if I wasn't this way.

[mouri_shin]

times like this i'm super appreciative that there is AVEN or I would never know how important communication is and that these situations are being discussed. these dialogs are those i'll probably have one day and it's nice to have a frame of reference and friends to talk to

~ totally random girlishness o.o

[Tool1989]

If he is only agreeing to sex to save your marriage, you are one lucky woman cuz not alot of people would do that. He is also very lucky to have you cuz you haven't cheated on him and I think he knows he is lucky....maybe he feels like it is too good to last and will do almost anything to be with you even if it means sacrificing his own needs for yours. I feel it is kinda wrong because everybody is equal and I'd personally never do that, but I believe that he is one of the few guys who actually cares more about you than he cares about himself. Ask him if he would die for you no matter what and he would be one of the few guys that would say yes. You guys need to reach a compromise that both satisfy your needs and his. It is nice that he is so flirty and outgoing but you can't let him feel insecure around you and wondering when the day will come when you will leave him. I felt that way with my ex-girlfriend and I had good reason to. But remember: what made you fall in love with him? Was it the great sex you both had or was it his look and personality? You can have romance without the sex. Truthfully that is what I want: to be comfortable with my partner knowing that she doesn't expect sex from me. Actually: what are you willing to compromise with and what are you not willing to? I would never sacrifice my personality for a girl.

[emmarainbow]

Just to say, I have little to add, as most of this advice has been good. Just that go you, and well done for working through it together - I'm sure you can sort it out.

Have some and a wish of good luck.

[P.V.P.]

I guess it doesn't matter. I am just curious. He is big on waking me up to have sex...hmmm.

That may mean that he's using the natural erections many men get from having to pee really badly in the morning in order to fill your sexual needs. If he's alibidinous, and doesn't even enjoy masturbating, that may be the only way he can have sex.

[BunnyK.]

There are probably a lot of people who are probably "awesome" in the bedroom but not awesome at being nice people... then there are people who are probably pretty dull in bed but wonderfully awesome people in other ways... So I guess you gotta just decide what you want in life, right?

Or you can hold out for the people who are awesome at being nice people AND awesome in bed. :roll:

[thylacine]

Yeah, I know, Bunny... but like the Beatles sang long ago... "you can't always get what you want."

[BunnyK.]

but like the Beatles sang long ago... "you can't always get what you want."

Wasn't that the Rolling Stones?

Anyway, I just think that people have to make that choice less often than you seem to think they do.

[thylacine]

Yeah... you're right. It was the Stones.

[Chiaroscuro]

"you can't always get what you want."

That's the subject for a whole new thread. At what point do you accept that you're not going to have everything you want from your mate? I believe that everyone who's in a long-term relationship "settles" in some way. Nobody's perfect and no relationship exists without compromise.

That said though, there is a point at which "settling" can be unhealthy.

-My husband beats me, but he brings me flowers, so I guess I'll stay.

-I loathe my wife, but she makes a lot of money, and I'm afraid of poverty.

Those are extremes, but I think the S/A divide's an extreme one. It's not too much to expect that your partner's sexual expectations will be similar to your own.

-Chiaroscuro