The Personal Root of your Asexuality

[Solodancer1]

For me:

Sex drive -- on scale of zero to ten, zero being the most antisex person in the world, five being no desire but not anti, six being slight ocasional weak desire, no real strong aversions, just unimportant, too much hassle to bother with, and ten being the most oversexed person in the world, it's varied between one-and-a-half and eight from the age when the whole world started assuming I should be sexual (13ish I guess) and my current midlife state, with an average of four-and-a-half, slightly anti. I grew up knowing for several reasons that it's a bad thing. I also observed that most people do it anyway and that it's funny to most people and normal and apparently even sometimes fun for some but couldn't understand why it would be.

Romantic drive -- With zero being horrified at the idea of romance and ten being terrified at the lack of it, I ranged from about four to about nine-and-a-half with an average of about seven point eight but the more I saw romance linked to sex the lower my score dropped, as well as when I see it linked to strict sexroles, painful and artificial fashions, and quick commitment. Scary things.

Emotional intimacy drive -- just figuring out what that is. About anywhere from a four-and-a-half to a seven-and-a-half. I don't understand it well enough to make an average.

Ability to relate emotional intimacy to romance (to see what the connection would be) -- with zero being "how can they even go together" to ten being "It's the same thing, isn't it" I would say my current opinion is they're a seven -- connected, but it's hard to see how sometmes. They also do quite well separeately.

Ability to relate emotinal intimacy to sex -- Maybe a four. Trying to figure out what the truth is. Creeped out but very curious about the question.

Ability to relate sex to romance -- I'm about a one here.

Reasons: Complex. Unquantifiable. Mysterious. Shifting. Childhood experiences, messages from mass media, messages from people around, genes, nutrition, who can guess? I was really skinny and we had to struggle a lot but not everyone who grew up like that is like me. Maybe God made me ths way for a purpose. I know I'd have AIDS by now (not kidding) if sex did for me what sexuals say it does for them. If food id for me what overeaters say it does for them I'd weigh several hundred pounds and be a constant presence beside Richard Simmons. If marijuana did for me what potheads say it does for them ther would be a type of pipe nicknamed for me by now, if I'd even be alive. I might have died in a pot-related fire by now. But they don't.

[The Student]

The only discomfort I feel in being asexual (which I just "named" this last year but feel I have been all my life) is because it's considered weird by the rest of society, and we're treated that way. It's the same kind of treatment that non-heterosexuals have been confronted with. They may be quite happy being non-heterosexual, but not comfortable with how they're treated.

To me, the difference between choosing to be celibate and feeling basically asexual comes down to the "ewwwww" factor. I've always felt "ewwwwwww." I didn't have to choose to not have sex; I finally just couldn't control the ewwwwww and stopped forcing myself. I think naturally asexual people could have all kinds of other issues, like depression or past abuse. However, they could still be naturally asexual.

Out of interest Sally, what exactly is "ewwwww" about sex? I don't understand. I can imagine people who have relevant past experiences that are painful finding sex disgusting but you imply that the psychological argument doesn't apply to you. So what is it that's disgusting about sex in your opinion? :)

[LaMaestra]

I have never felt the need for sex. I am asexual and that's the way it is. I can find men attractive and in my youth I had the usual crushes on the teen idols of the time but had they taken me up on them, I would have broken all athletics records as I ran from them!

However, I can feel 'turned on' by my favorite male vocalist (who is, to my book, an extremely handsome gentleman). I just couldn't follow it up!

[Guest disjointed]

I blame my parents... lol

Well not so much them but I was 14 when they divorced and I was in the middle of it even overhearing them both admit they had slept with other people and then calling each other cheats!

I was up until then a normal teeneager exploring myself and the opposite sex but still a virgin.

That split and the effect that sex had in destroying lives had a huge impact on me that even until this day see's me never wanting sex not because I don't want to be close to someone but I see sex as a very unpersonal and destructive thing.

[The Student]

I blame my parents... lol

Well not so much them but I was 14 when they divorced and I was in the middle of it even overhearing them both admit they had slept with other people and then calling each other cheats!

I was up until then a normal teeneager exploring myself and the opposite sex but still a virgin.

That split and the effect that sex had in destroying lives had a huge impact on me that even until this day see's me never wanting sex not because I don't want to be close to someone but I see sex as a very unpersonal and destructive thing.

I was living around an extremely destructive and evil sexual relationship in my early years and wonder if that has something to do with my asexuality.

[happylife]

I have three "beings" in my mind.

"A" blames my stupidity for being sexually "disabled".

"B" claims that I am just ME. Doesn't buy the disability theory.

"Me" agrees and disagrees with both of them. Wants to be a flexible third party.

[The Student]

I have three "beings" in my mind.

"A" blames my stupidity for being sexually "disabled".

"B" claims that I am just ME. Doesn't buy the disability theory.

"Me" agrees and disagrees with both of them. Wants to be a flexible third party.

I totally identify with that. I swing between thinking my asexuality, though not everyone else's, is a sickness that can be cured to thinking my only sickness is thinking that my asexuality is a sickness. I just don't know which one is the real me.

[happylife]

I have three "beings" in my mind.

"A" blames my stupidity for being sexually "disabled".

"B" claims that I am just ME. Doesn't buy the disability theory.

"Me" agrees and disagrees with both of them. Wants to be a flexible third party.

I totally identify with that. I swing between thinking my asexuality, though not everyone else's, is a sickness that can be cured to thinking my only sickness is thinking that my asexuality is a sickness. I just don't know which one is the real me.

Why don't you be a flexible third party?? The one swinging back and forth. ^_^

[The Student]

I have three "beings" in my mind.

"A" blames my stupidity for being sexually "disabled".

"B" claims that I am just ME. Doesn't buy the disability theory.

"Me" agrees and disagrees with both of them. Wants to be a flexible third party.

I totally identify with that. I swing between thinking my asexuality, though not everyone else's, is a sickness that can be cured to thinking my only sickness is thinking that my asexuality is a sickness. I just don't know which one is the real me.

Why don't you be a flexible third party?? The one swinging back and forth. ^_^

I think it's an either/or situation. Only one of the scenarios can be true for me and I want to live with the truth. I'm not frightened of the truth. I just wish I knew what it was in my case. As it is I'm already a flexible third party, swinging back and forth. I want to be settled on who I am.

[the Lady Ashuko]

Though I recently realized that I had a bit of a traumatic event when I was young, I don't think it contributes to my asexuality much if at all. Also, my mom would disagree but I believe that she may be A (her and my dad haven't had sex in at least 10-15 years and she doesn't seem to mind much at all--and when I tried to tell her about my asexuality she told me that I wasn't because when I found the right person I would want to do it to make them happy.) I think that I was just born this way.

[KAGU143]

If you find the "right" person?

I maintain that for most asexuals, the "right" person will also be asexual, but in any case...

If you only agree to have sex to in order to make the OTHER person happy, then you probably ARE asexual.

Also, if your mom truly thinks that that is the only reason why people have sex I would have to second your suspicion that she might also be asexual.

Sexuals have sex, in large part, because they enjoy it for its own sake, and not out of a sense of responsibility to their partner.

-GB

[The Student]

Sexuals have sex, in large part, because they enjoy it for its own sake, and not out of a sense of responsibility to their partner.

My parents always said they wanted to satisfy each other and that that was the motive for their acts of coitus.

[Questioned]

I do not know why I might be asexual, no idea. I have always been this way, never looked past romance, never been sexually attracted to someone, etc. Perhaps I was just born this way.

[The Student]

I do not know why I might be asexual, no idea. I have always been this way, never looked past romance, never been sexually attracted to someone, etc. Perhaps I was just born this way.

Ditto

[xsquid]

Female, 48 years old, new here. Very interesting and helpful site--glad I found it.

Been married for 18 years, no kids by mutual choice. About 6 years ago I was finally able to get past the thicket of guilt, resentment, hurt feelings and misunderstandings with my husband and explain myself clearly. I also told him I would not stand in his way if he wanted to pursue sexual intercourse elsewhere, as long as he was discreet. I love the man very very much and hate to unfairly foist my own problems on him.

This arrangement doesn't bother me in the slightest. We two have gone through way too much, have built up too much history and loyalty to divorce because of it. I think it bothered him for awhile, but more and more over the years he has come to understand that I will always be in his corner, despite my lack of interest in sex. As for him, he is always there for me too.

The root cause is something I've tried to analyze ad nauseam over the years, but I can't pin it on any one event. Interestingly, my brother and my mother have also exhibited signs of asexuality too, though I can't be sure. My generation and the ones before tend to view sex as too personal a subject to discuss casually.

I've always thought it was a genetic predisposition with me. For the years between 18 and 40, I experienced cyclic arousal but recognised that it was due to hormonal surge associated with the female body's preparation to breed.

Because I matured in a rather sexually-oriented era (late 70s-early 80s) I found it necessary to feign interest in sex in order to get along in society. That sucked.

I also nursed a lot of resentment against males in my younger years since they never seemed to be interested in anything about me except my pants, and how to get in to them. It seemed that no matter how educated, experienced or knowledgeable I was in any area, men couldn't get past the sex part. Women I dealt with were catty and suspicious that I "had no agenda" with men and I had no help from them either.

That all changed when I joined the Navy in my mid-twenties and found that I was good at what I did in a male-dominated field. My male co-workers treated me with respect and genuine nonsexual affection, and I made my first real friends.

Very interesting to see the phrase "aesthetically but not sexually attractive" used in terms of how we see others around this site; I've used that phrase for years!

Good to meet you all.

Xsquid

[drvoke]

I'm new here, so I'm very interested in all these posts, and I just have to say that I really connected with what junkman said. I've never been married, though my parents and some previous girlfriends certainly think I ought to be, but even in non-marriage romantic relationships it's been, for me, just as you've described-- except maybe with less honesty(with myself and with them)about my own feelings in the matter. My asexuality has no "root cause", it just is. No amount of practicing or analyzing has ever changed that.

[Guest disjointed]

Looking back I can honestly say that I feel I have always been Asexual

My parents situation I mentioned earlier just re-affirmed what I felt, as has many other situations in my life.I've never questioned it however.

I don't think I have been any other way and have never sought to explain it in many ways I have always felt good about being Asexual.

Aspergers I seem not to have and although I do have a femine side I am nor ever wished to be gay.

I suppose with no clear indication why I am Asexual for me I feel I havn't got a reason....I just am

:aven:

[je_suis_napoleon]

Same here - I can remember being seven years old, and all my female classmates in the second grade were constantly giggling about how one boy was cuter than another, and how they all wanted to grow up and get married and have babies. I don't think I ever had a male classmate from that age onward who didn't manage to work some sexual reference into the conversation at least once a week. I always felt like the odd one out. I remember once when all the girls were comparing how many babies they wanted, saying that I didn't want any. One girl said, "You don't want babies, or you don't want to do what you have to do to have them?" I shrugged and said, "Neither, I guess." She scowled and said, "Well, why don't you just go and be a nun, then?"

[GirlBehindtheCurtain]

Yes to almost everything on this thread.

The gender-splitting is very confusing but familiar to me. When I was very small, I did not consider myself one gender or another. I suppose a non-gender--i.e., I contained no real big pieces of either. Then when puberty hit it was a horribly emotional time for me and I went through much more than the average girl. I hated everything about myself and my body, which had become foreign and "not me" (does that makes sense?). Finally, in my teen years I resolved myself to the body I had, even though I clearly had no "girly" feelings like my classmates and friends. Suffice to say, this distanced me from just about everyone, and has continued to do so. Even today, I think of myself in terms of a male pronoun, even though I don't identify as either gender. I think of it as the literary generic "he", the same way we used to refer to "mankind".

And still I harbor no desire for either men or women, though I do enjoy fantasies. But as stated multiple times in this thread, the fantasy absolutely cannot involve me personally, nor anybody I know--nor anybody who even resembles anyone I know. It has to be a completely fabricated and literary fantasy for it to even arouse me in the slightest. I also find it difficult to maintain and become bored and distracted easily.

The last time I tried to concentrate on an erotic story I kept wondering if I had put the wash in or not.