The Personal Root of your Asexuality

[Sally]

Gatto: Love that cat!!!!!

[Gatto]

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[Guest Heligan]

I have been re-pondering the very thing since yesterday.

There was an episode of Bones where they were saying sex was about connection. That it had to be because if not people would just stay home and masturbate... so regardless of the kink etc all sex is ultimately about connection. It went on to say that kinky stuff was a distancing mechanism... at least I think thats what it was driving at.

I just sat there after think 'shitte...... that made far too much sense....it looks like I may have to think about this stuff again'

Which bought me right back to the 'broken' idea as a root of asexuality. If I want to avoid connection, is that why I dont want sex. Maybe I want a lesser connection, a 'lite connection' and that is what I am interpreting as being 'romantic asexual'.

Its easier for me to come to these conclusions because I have been sexual in the past, though I have to say it was never an obsession or really very important to me... But I cetainly cant say my body didnt do everything it is supposed to with a few surprises (the stuff they dont tell you even in good sex ed) thrown in for good measure.

I do think I always needed to at least get to the banter stage before I felt anything other than 'you are my type', I think my BSOD (blue screen of death) crash comes in around here. And that is why I never get to the sexual attreaction phase these days.

I'm not saying my lack of desire is irrational, quite the reverse. I think it may be an entirely rational creation. But it was not a choice, not really and that I think does make me broken. Especially as I dont appear to be able to have an override control on this; I cant force myself to have sex; its almost a phobia in that respect (heights and sex= bad and scary).

So basically I think grief made me asexual.

[Sally]

There may be many paths to being--or feeling--asexual. For me, unwillingness or dislike of making a connection was definitely not the path. As a romantic asexual (and actually, nonromantic asexuals may be no different), I definitely want a connection with others, and would like to have one specific connection with one other -- without the sex act. Whether I might be considered by some to be "broken" or not doesn't diminish those two facts: I want connection and I don't want sex. So...to me, not wanting a connection cannot be considered to be an actual cause of asexuality.

[Guest Heligan]

Sorry if I appeared to be saying that not wanting a connection was always/ commonly the cause of asexuality. The topic was the personal root so I just answered that.

And its not that I dont want connection, I do... just not a sexual relationship. Or sex at all, mainly I think because you cant rely on one night stands to stay one night stands, they morph into relationship unless you stamp them down. But that is going from the assumption Im correct in my sex- vulnerability to connection theory here.

To complicate matters, I never had sex with the boyfriend who died and seemed to trigger this change in me... I did intend to though, maybe the intention is enough to take the connection to, I dunno some uber level or something.

Maybe if you are innately asexual you dont need the sex or the intention to get to the uber connection level......I dont know Im very confused about me without having to consider everyone else..... I often feel like I shouldn't be here using this label, as I am somehow diluting what I do think is a legitimate way to be.

The thing is I still qualify as asexual if we use the site definition of not feeling sexual attraction. Is not that I repress the attraction, I repress the stuff prior to that; so its very hard to tell if attraction could be there or not.

But I do think we need to wonder if fear is there in our interations, but even that is dubious because fear is always there anyway naturally. As I say its almost like a phobia for me...not repulsion just fear and desire to run off.

All that said, I do think if you had good reason to fear connection from early childhood it would be very difficult to tell, if asexuality was innate in you or if it was caused.

Though I dont really see why you would feel fear if it was innate lack of sexual desire... surely you would feel nothing except a growing sense of 'why am I not like everyone else', at least until you find this site. :) So maybe fear is the defining factor to 'broken'. But even that is doubtful when applied to everyone, people react differently.

[Jin Kisaragi]

I don't know if I qualify as old, but I know I'm not mature. But the forum said it's open to all! (20 years old, older people call me young, younger people call me old.. it's confusing..) But the root of my asexuality is that I like others, my attraction to women is nothing more than "Wow, she's pretty.. or hot" but nothing past that, I don't want to have sex with them or anything. And I'm not much of a romantic either. So I'm a non-romantic asexual male. (I have a girlfriend, but I just don't get relationships, maybe it's just my personality and also observing bad relationships. I also tend to avoid things sexual, so maybe I don't know everything about myself in that regard quite yet.

[Guest edward gorey's daughter]

I think ever since I was born I wasn't really interested in "it."

I love the title of this thread--it's so "But I'm a Cheerleader."

[Cynicus]

When i was a little boy, i used to "hate" girls, no i've slowly grown out of that, but i never started ti "like" them as my parents said i would.

I think it's linked with my on-insanity-verging-eccentricities, that are probably caused by ozigen deprivation at my birth (i was blue as a smurf!).

[bydefault]

When i was a little boy, i used to "hate" girls, no i've slowly grown out of that, but i never started ti "like" them as my parents said i would.

I think it's linked with my on-insanity-verging-eccentricities, that are probably caused by ozigen deprivation at my birth (i was blue as a smurf!).

Okay, we're both asexual males but somehow we're opposite in that, when I was a little boy, I only wanted to make friends with the girls as they seemed more intelligent and less competetive than the boys. I wasn't doing girly things, dressing or acting like one. We were just sharing jokes and talking about school, TV, music, etc. :)

I remember this coming to an end one day when I was hanging out with them and they asked me to step away. Then they started looking down each other's blouses, giggling and "comparing notes". That's when I started to become the loner/geek I am today. :(

[Cynicus]

All the girls i ever had contact with where of the evil kind. The kind that backstabs whenever it has the chance.

[bydefault]

All the girls i ever had contact with where of the evil kind. The kind that backstabs whenever it has the chance.

Sounds like we just fell in with two different crowds. I can assure you that they're not all evil. I'm not so sure about guys though... :lol:

[Cynicus]

"Once you discover the inhrent evilness of women, you will better appreciate the simpleness of men."

Anyway, i know they're not all evil, they just have more of a tendency for gossip and backtabbing, most of 'em anyways.

[PetraNotMyRealName]

My story is a bit different...

42 y/o female here, married 20 years, soon to be divorced due to my asexuality. Childen you ask? Yes, I used to be quite SEXUAL but thanks to heavy doses of antidepressants for the past 20 years, I have no sexual desires, no sexual ambitions, can not stay focused on intimate practices, I have no arousal, IF I can climax it's a total disappointment as there's no rise in arousal, no explosive climax, never again any second climax etc... it appears my situation may be different from others here but there must be thousands or even hundreds of thousands of us out there who's lives have been destroyed by depression and our total dependance on antidepressant drugs that strip you of any kind of desire for sex. It has certainly destroyed my marriage and family yet there is nothing I can do about it. I'm completely dependant on the meds for survival (tried going off many times and tried many different types of drugs). I feel guilty but then not guilty. I can't help having this illness nor can I go without the meds or I will not be living long. It's just a fact of life for me; no different than being a diabetic dependant on insulin for life itself.

I also believe there may be some genetic factors in this but nurturing goes a long way for me too. I grew up in a cold environment. parents show no love or affection EVER, father an extremely abusive alcoholic, raped at age 11 and again at 21 and molested by a family doctor at age 22. Last time my alcoholic father struck me was at age 34 and I reported him to police for the first time. Hospitalized once for deep depression and the asshole (can I say that here?) doctor/psychiatrist told me that the "SOLUTION TO ALL MY SEXUAL PROBLEMS WAS TO LAY THERE AND LET ME HUSBAND USE A DILDO ON ME"...nice huh? Multiple rapes in my past and he thinks my husband using an OBJECT on me will just snap me out of my asexuality! Ok, I better stop here cuz I'm gettin' a titch angry.

So lots of history as to why I am asexual and horrid sexual side effects from drugs that I can not live without. Voila...me today.

[twister]

I thought I may add my two cents worth to this post.......

I've not been around the site for quite some time, in part due to lack of computer, but also due to my wondering the reasoning behind my asexuality. I think after I did the radio interview it set me really digging deep into how I feel and what "caused" (if you can cause) my asexuality. The possibility of the connection thing, as mentioned above has crossed my mind a lot. Also, whether I may be autistic to some degree.

In short, it has left me with more questions than answers - no surprise there I hear you say! I have more or less hidden away for many months now, only venturing out to work and nowhere else. I know there is no magic fix, but I would love to be "normal" - in the words of the show I was on. I guess I know I need to get on with life, but in truth life just scares me. I find anything to do with the social side of life totally unmanageable - anyone else feel this way too, or am I more odd than I thought?

Sorry to have gone on and hijacked the thread........

[PetraNotMyRealName]

I thought I may add my two cents worth to this post.......

I know there is no magic fix, but I would love to be "normal" - in the words of the show I was on. I guess I know I need to get on with life, but in truth life just scares me. I find anything to do with the social side of life totally unmanageable - anyone else feel this way too, or am I more odd than I thought?........

Wow...I feel really sad for you in a way. I guess at least I have some sense of why I am the way I am and maybe in some sick sense of things, that makes it a bit easier to accept that I'm "different". If you would allow me to suggest something to you in your attempt to "start to get on with life", I would really say to stop thinking in terms of "NORMAL". If you take that word out of your vocabulary I think that would be a first step in NOT feeling so abnormal or alienated within the society in which you live. If you pigeonhole something as "NORMAL" you are just setting yourself up for disappointment if you are anything outside of that narrow and probably quite strange definition, what ever that may be. You might also wish to stop looking for a reason for the way you are and just learn to like and then love yourself for who you are. A person has many facets to them and sexual orientation or lack there of, is only one miniscule facet to your being. Media, the night club scene and other parts of our culture will have you believe that you must have sex, GREAT sex and LOTS of sex to be normal but that's just because as we all know "sex sells" and most of society is out there to sell something. Take a good long look at who you are outside of being asexual. Write it out in a journal and see if you can find new things to write about yourself every day even if it's just one new thing. You may discover that you are a much more interesting and fun guy than you ever imagined! :D In the past 2 weeks my marriage and family has been torn apart because of my asexuality but I can't stop living just because of it....I have to discover a new "me", one that has thousands of facets aside from the sex/intercourse part of me. I do a lot of positive affirmation, just quietly inside my head. I try to do a good deed, no matter how small each and every day and right now I'm really focusing on living one day at a time and enjoying absolutely everything I can about every moment. I saw a crow fly across the sky and as I was watching it go across my window, my cat was mirroring my same head movments and I actually made a conscious effort to "FEEL" how funny it was that a cat and a human were so interested in such a simple, momentary event. Perhaps some of us were just not placed on this earth to be "sexual". Perhaps whatever higher power you may subscribe to, has another plan for us and we just don't know it yet. The roads of our life are not long straight freeways and thank goodness they aren't because it would be awful boring. There are bumps in the road, beautiful sceneries, forks where we have to make big decisions and small decisions...there may be regrets but we have the power to change things for ourselves, drive back to that fork in the road and try an alternative route. Isn't that what this forum is? An alternate route? So we zig and we zag through life but as you said, we have to keep moving forward. That doesn't mean we have to speed down it like we are test driving the Autobahn. In fact taking the path slowly is often the best way to travel as it gives you time to stop and appreciate the small things that life bring to you, like a hummingbird on a feeder, a nest of baby birds with their mouths wide open, a FANTASTIC sunrise or sunset and so on. It seems you have sat down on a park bench on your path of life TWISTER and it's time to get up off 'yer arse and take a step or two to a more positive thinking about yourself. What'cha say? I hate to see someone feeling so down about themselves and about life in general. I hope you take this message in the intent it was written...just a compassionate couple of suggestions to kickstart your life again so you aren't just eating, sleeping and working. Don't let life pass you by...it's far too short and there may well be some grand purpose for your exisitence and you don't want to miss out on it.

[Sally]

Twister: You have the right to feel however you feel; feeling "odd" or "not normal" is often an accurate response to what goes on around us. Normal just refers to being in the majority, i.e. being the "norm" as far as the total population of whatever society you live in. Regarding the social stuff, there might be a possibility you have some Asperger's mixed in with your unique set of genetic material. In that sense, feeling uncertain socially is DEFINITELY normal! However you feel is normal to you. Look at it that way. I once took a series of classes on what was then called Rational Emotive Therapy -- don't know what it's called now, but the central theme was not catastrophizing stuff, especially your emotional reactions to stuff. If you're sad, depressed, anxious, look at your emotions and say "Well, isn't this interesting." That doesn't always work, but it does sometimes take you down a notch in emotion.

[twister]

Thanks so much for you replies to my post - I was obviously feeling more down than I had realised!!! What you both said is SO very true, I do need to get back to seeing life how I used to see it. Not so long ago I did just get on with being me - doing stuff like riding my motorcycle, scuba diving and lots more stuff. I have to say, it took me some while to get round to doing any of those things, but after the initial terror it was fantastic. I do tend to think I may have Aspie tendencies e.g. routines that I get stuck in etc. This is also why I have always had problems socialising too. Since making the post I have actually booked myself a weekend away in Amsterdam with a couple of friends - the thought of going is terrifying, but I'm going along anyway. Maybe it will inspire me to get out there and see all the things in this world I would love to see, maybe even that trip across the USA or the one to New Zealand I have been putting off for such a long time.

I guess I didn't word things too well about the "normal" word - I know I am normal as "me" as everyone is normal to who they are. The word itself is open to so many iterpretations, what is normal in one way may not be normal in another. In fact, I don't really care for the word and even less for how it is often used.

I do appreciate the small things too, like sunny days, blue skies and the fantastic scenery where I live, we just haven't had too many sunny days for a long time. Winter here has been dismal this year, I'm ready for some sun and being able to go out and stand and wonder at the beauty of the world. I do understand the intent of your kind words and I do intend to print your post off to re-read.

There have been lots of bumps and zig zags in my life and usually there were some family members there to help iron those out. However, due to something my parents did when they retired from farming caused a big rift in the family. Sadly, I was the one left in the middle of it all and I have tried not to get too involved, this did entail me detaching myself from them all. This is possibly why I have ended up feeling the way I do now, it's probably the first time in my life I have felt fully alone.

A combination of things, as you can see has led me to where I am now. It's time for me to get up off this park bench and go see what's happening outside the park I reckon. Thanks again for your support, that's the good thing about this site, there's always someone to help put things into perspective.

[Sally]

Twister: Re visiting the US, I hope we have a truly "Democratic" country to welcome you to starting this November. If not, some of us may join you in your country. It's getting baaaaaad over here. :(

[PetraNotMyRealName]

Hey Twister, your latest post is much more reassuring in that you talk about so many things that you do find pleasure in and take notice of.

I'm very much a loner myself and at times I can really get into a long stint of hiding out except for the things that I absolutely have to do, like go to work or pick up groceries etc...so I know how you feel. I used to have to force myself to go into social settings and it was unfortable to the EXTREME for me.

I might ask you though....you used the word "terrified" a few times and I wonder if you may have some "anxiety disorder" that needs diagnosing. That's just one thing that popped into my head though...there are so many other reasons why folks avoid social contact or find social contact anywhere from just slightly uncomfortable to downright terrifying...you know...things like self esteem issues, phobias, post traumatic stress and so on. It just seems to me, and I've BEEN THERE BELIEVE ME, that when you say "terrified" a few times in a row it speaks volumes as to the emotions you must feel when you step out the door. There is even something called "anticipatory anxiety" which the other person who replied to you, touched on. With anticipatory anxiety, we kinda work ourselves up into a nervous lather when we have time to think about what we are about to do. In some cases it's very insideous, it creeps up on you and before you know it, you ARE describing a weekend away as "terrifying" when in all reality, it should not be a terrifying, but a very pleasant, pleasurable, relaxing and refreshing experience. There are many behavioral therapies that are used to deal with this kind of self-imposed anxiety/panic, one of which is what the poster talked about in their posting. I've been through regression thearapy and it's wasn't my favourite kind of therapy but it certainly works. All you are really doing in any of these therapies is being forced to bring yourself back to reality based state of mind...am I gonna die from going on a weeked trip? Not likely...unless they have an infestation of poisonous snakes going on there. ;o) What's the worst thing that could happen? Oh, the waitress at dinner spills my beer on the table cloth...no biggie...you just reassure her that it's ok. All the therapies that deal with anxiety and panic, nightmares, PTSD etc... just walk you through situations that make you anxious...you walk through them over and over and over till you hate talking about it any more and then before you know it, you have retrained your brain back into a more reality based thinking of what's going on and that nothing bad is likely to happen. Social anxiety disorders are one of the most common of the anxiety disorders in the world and quite easily treated. You have to give it a chance though. I'm a real quitter where it comes to bizarre therapies, so I'm the worst one to advise you on "giving things a chance" but I forced myself to stick with the regression therapy and even though I still think it's bizarre (and I've worked in psychiatry for over 2o years) it certainly did help me to put my head back in the right state of mind. Anti-anxiety meds (not that I'm promoting the use of them) 'do' have their place as well as an adjuntive therapy to all the cognitive therapies.

It's good to see that you are not only planning a trip in the near future but that you are also thinking of possibilities for the remote future as well. BRAVO! That's a great step in the right direction.

[Gatto]

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[jcortese]

I'm actually a bit pleased lately with this, mostly because I found an "explanation" that sounds right (even if the phrase "personal root" sounds a bit too ex-gay ministry for me to be entirely comfortable with it).

As a kid, I assumed I was straight because I had no real reason to think otherwise and because some men are nice to look at. It never moved into feeling likeI had to have sex with any of them, though.

FF a few years,and I assumed I was lesbian because I don't care for men sexually and I vastly prefer female company. Nope. No interest there, either.

FF to a long-overdue diagnosis of temporal lobe epilepsy (which is finally settling into my head and making itself at home there), and me learning that hyposexuality is one of the typical symptoms.

It's sort of strange for me -- I haven't felt the need to be sexual, but I've always felt like that part of me was sort of on "pause," as if I were waiting to find out how it was going to play out. With this realization, I know it HAS "played out," and that this IS me.

When I have a spell, I dislike them because they are physically and emotionally uncomfortable. But overall I wouldn't trade my funky little brain for all the money in the world. I know what it is, I know what I am finally, and I know where all those intellectual gifts I have come from.

So the seed of MY asexuality is a weirdly wired hippocampus that I can honestly call the best mistake that's ever happened to me. :-) I wouldn't trade my left temporal lobe for the world.

[Lekzýs]

I've thought about this a bit over the years, but have never been able to come to any explanation other than: 'my sexual attraction just never developed during puberty'.

I suppose it is possible that there could be an underlying medical cause, such as a hormonal disorder, but as my asexuality is not a problem for me, I'm not going to see a doctor about it.

[BleedingThrough]

^I'm not gonna see a doctor about it either. Being asexual is the least of my problems lol.

[pinkfizzie]

Wonderful posts and they offered some clarity for me. Great to have my thoughts elucidated. A romantic asexual is what I is. Not sure about the erotic part. I just no sex ever for me. I guess I am normal to the point of no sex..I guess i am this way for a myriad of reasons It does get a bit lonely at times, not having that comfortable companionship but everyone i have met is sexual. I wish the internet was around long ago.

[Guest Fosco]

^I'm not gonna see a doctor about it either. Being asexual is the least of my problems lol.

Couldn't of put it better myself. :)

[jcortese]

Thinking a bit more about this ... I've been mulling my own sexuality/hyposexuality in response to some reading about TLE, and I think I've hit one something that would go for those of us with TLE anyhow.

We tend to be cranked up to 11 on most things -- we have intense personalities. The person who determined the personality markers that often go together with TLE (Norman Geschwind) said taht five things were typical in us: hyperrligiosity, hypergraphia, hypersociability, high aggression, and hyposexuality. Another fellow (less gifted IMO) who worked with him posited that our hyposexuality was actually a heightened inhibition against sex that also got "turned up" in us. I'm doubting that, though.

It seems to me that you have to ask why supposedly "normal" people WANT sex in the first place. No one ever thinks to make them justify why they want what they want -- they'll simply say, "I want sex because I'm normal, and normal people want sex." That doesn't explain what they get out of it. Personally, I think that it's alost their only real experience with mindblowing intensity. People without TLE (again, this is a TLE-based argument) seem to have such depressed, dulled reactions to things. They see colors through dark glass and taste things past a mouthful of vaseline, it seems. Music goes into their heads through cotton wool in their ears. And so they feel a need for an intense social and sensory experience of some sort, just to break out of the shell, to get a sensation that isn't muffled. That, for them, is sex. Sex is pursued by "neurotypical" people because it blows the fuses in their heads, which never happens to them during normal life.

For we who aren't NT, daily life blows our brain circuts just fine. :-) Seriously -- reading a book about Middle Egyptian grammar is like eating the hottest, most delicious vindaloo in the world. Listening to music is something I can't do and drive well at the same time because it latches onto my brain and takes it over. I don't NEED sex. I'm eating a hot curry every day of my life -- compared to that, sex is a bowl of cornflakes. I have no need of intensity of experience. I get that already.

I remember the few times I've been involved physically with someone, actually in the middle of it. I was actually a bit taken aback by it -- he appeared to me to be so utterly transported by such a mundane, uninteresting act! He was really completely involved in it, and I just could not see what there was to get lost in. Sex doesn't get ANYTHING going above the neck. Sure, sexuals say it does, you have to "care" about the person, blah-blah, right. But there is no real intellectual burnout there. In order to participate in sex, I'd have to ratchet my head waaaaaaay down -- I'd have to put the cotton wool in my ears and the vaseline in my mouth and muffle my interaction with the outside world. And then act like that experience actually increased intimacy for me!

Sex involves mechanical dullness, and as many sexuals can make jokes about how "you ain't doing it right baby" as they want, but that's the facts. Compared to what I get out of folding a piece of paper or listening to music or even discussing something intensely demanding with someone, sex is bland, dull, flavorless. I simply have no need of it to gain my fill of mindblowing intensity.

[Guest Happily]

Humm, this is an interesting question.

I think my root is largly Freudian. When I was about 5 my parents divorced and after which I only saw my Dad during the school holidays. Now, ever since I started liking boys (which wasn't alot but i'm not into girls so meh.) I knew deep down I was looking for a father-figure. I know it sounds strange, but i'm looking for all those things i've, well, not lacked, but not had so much of from my father after he left, which is support, protection and physical love (I mean hugs n stuff!!!).

Okay, so i'm looking for a father-type in my future partner.....I don't want sex with my Dad! (Sorry Freud but no)

Nuff said really.

That and I simply have never really had sex high on my "to-do" list. ^_^

[DaniTheGirl]

I'm feeling pretty tought-y and I just wanted to say that this is one of the best thought-out, most thoughtful and thought-provoking threads I have read since getting here.

Thank you all for your intelligent and well-worded replies, you've given me a lot to think about, while increasing my faith in human intelligence.

[Midwoka]

Okay, so i'm looking for a father-type in my future partner.....I don't want sex with my Dad! (Sorry Freud but no)

Freud says: Not consciously, perhaps...

[Tanwen]

One thing, though. Why does there have to be a cause? Might it not be one of those things that just 'are'? There is a danger in spending so much time analysing that we forget to enjoy.