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Awkward feelings at family gatherings?


Zerick

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One thing that bothers me as I am becoming more comfortable with my asexuality are family gatherings or other parties where everyone is in a couple. I don't know why, but I feel I must be missing something. I also feel everyone is pointing behind my back and whispering "did you hear about him".

I was thinking about this on Sunday when I went to my parents to celebrate my brothers wife's birthday. My parents, my brother and his wife, my sister and her husband, my two lesbian house mates, even my twin niece and nephew seemed like a pair. As always I was the odd man out.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

How can I stop this feeling of failure for not wanting to have a partner?

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I get into fights with my beliefs because I know who is talking behind my back and who isn't. You just know your family enough to see who you can and who you can't trust.

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yeah, i get the same feelings. it's like everybody seems sorry for you. and pretty soon, i start feeling sorry for myself. generally, i avoid family gatherings these days. wish i had words of wisdom for you, but i don't.

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Well just say you don't wanna go! You feel akward and they should know it! They should just respect your decision. Why do you still go?

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actually, it would be an "event" if i wasn't the "odd man out", and what a true statement about collective bitchy people.

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Single women have always gotten that attitude thrown at them -- either pity or blaming because they're alone, most often a combination of both. It's just worse when--or if--they know you're out of the sexual "game"; that simply doesn't make any sense to them. People are like chickens in a henyard; if they sense something different about another chicken, they'll peck at it. For women, if you don't have a man to supposedly protect you (i.e., you're not coupled or married), even though women can now take care of themselves, there's the feeling that she either doesn't deserve a man or she's deliberately leaving herself open to exploitation. For men, unless they're known to be love-them-and-leave them casanovas, they're considered weird and sick (and/or gay, depending on the social/religious beliefs of the crowd).

I think the above is true even for families, which are made up of the general population, after all. Families are henyards.

Tell the family you've had a friend insist on spending the day. Or be "sick".

Everybody have some cake! :cake::cake::cake::cake::cake: Maybe we should eat a lot of cake the day before family gatherings and then we'll REALLY be sick!

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BleedingThrough

I'm 20 so no one says anything about me for being single since I'm still young but I always get asked if I have a boyfriend and as always the answer is no. One of my uncles will be 50 soon and hasn't gotten married and as far as I know doesn't have a girlfriend so at least I won't be the only one in my family that won't ever get married. I find it more awkward being around my friends with their boyfriends/girlfriends than I do being around my family.

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Zerick wrote:

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

How can I stop this feeling of failure for not wanting to have a partner?

First off, great pic for your avatar. Mine is when I was 3 years old.

As for feeling like the 3rd man out. Nope. But I don't go to many gatherings. I enjoy being alone. One of my many childhood dreams was to be a hermit.

As for stopping that feeling of failure? I think, that all you need to do is realize that this is the way you want to live and accept yourself for who you are, instead of trying to live up to others expectations. Or in this case, what you precieve is an expectation. If you like being alone then accept that and don't worry or think about what others might think about it. You are only the 3rd man out if you want to feel that way, unless you go to play cards with a couple and you come alone. LOLOLOLOLOL.

I know I have missed out on some invites because I was a loner and they wanted it to be pairs. That's their loss not mine. They missed having me there.

The one interesting thing I have discovered with my family, is that if I do make an appearance at one of the family functions, whichever family member is hosting the function has bragging rights, because it is rare that I attend.

I popped in at my nephews graduation party and everyone was surprised but it meant alot to him that I showed up. It made him feel really special. So being alone has some interesting perks too.

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I am only 19 but I have a big gang of female aunts/cousins who CONSTANTLY ask me about my boyfriends - and one aunt who is funny but likes to talk about sex-related things all the time (eg. 'come on girls, who's getting the most then??', 'more importantly - how big was it??!' etc etc etc)... I think they assume that I am at an age where I can join in these conversations now.

Firstly, I am asexual.

Secondly, I am a romantic LESBIAN asexual.

They don't know this but it makes most family occasions very awkward.

I guess I can't completely understand your situation but I appreciate how uncomfortable it can feel, being out of the loop at gatherings. You can pick your friends but not your family!!

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:oops: I'm a shutterbug & 1/3 Aspie :oops:

At the big family gatherings I 'm usually asked to shoot them and entirely occupied doing so. (Besides shoveling in all these tasty calories... There's no wealth at home... - I have to maintain my starving artist's image otherwise they'd expect me to foot film & processing next time :wink: )

Honestly, that's how it is. - Multitasking isn't my cup of tea.

I had a GF and that almost father in law condemned me to cover a huge weekend gathering he was organizing. Sunday happened to be her birthday. She had decided to declare our engagement then. Saturday evening there was huge drama because "I cared a shit about her, paid no attention at all, yadayada..." - :shock: I burned a weekend to shoot her folks on their request, and another to postprocess that stuff, aint that nothing:? - I honestly believed she drove us there because she liked to meet all theses folks could enjoy their company and might even feel happy about not having to care about me remaining occupied. - As I later realized she was the only single among her long time married siblings and wanted to show of her new SO:( - Why did nobody tell me? Why didn't she get at her fathers throat "Don't dare to take away my lapdog" in advance? - People... :roll:

Bottom line: I don't share that problem you mentioned entirely. - I 've been to unknown foreign language parties with another ex and well, my behaviour pattern is clear: It doesn't matter if the bottle bottom I'm peering through is labeled Moskovskaya or Nikkor; I can have a good time.

When I'm capable to follow conversations, I usually even spot a odd bit of a reason to be happily single so I don't mind hanging around couples.

OK your mileage varies. Excuse my rambling. Feel assured that the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. :wink:

How can I stop this feeling of failure for not wanting to have a partner?
Inspiration source: http://photo.net/bboard/forum?topic_id=2021 Might be TMI :P
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One thing that bothers me as I am becoming more comfortable with my asexuality are family gatherings or other parties where everyone is in a couple. I don't know why, but I feel I must be missing something. I also feel everyone is pointing behind my back and whispering "did you hear about him".

I was thinking about this on Sunday when I went to my parents to celebrate my brothers wife's birthday. My parents, my brother and his wife, my sister and her husband, my two lesbian house mates, even my twin niece and nephew seemed like a pair. As always I was the odd man out.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

How can I stop this feeling of failure for not wanting to have a partner?

I don't know how you can stop the feeling of failure because that's a decision you have to make for yourself, nobody can tell you to do it, or how to do it.

I'm very fortunate with my family. They're very important to me and every bit as insane so I fit in fine. As far as everyone else pairing off, I don't feel like I'm a failure, it's just very boring when they all decide that THAT moment is the time they're going to get all ooky and schmoopy with their partner. It's like "what do you do when you're alone?"

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Ha. "Schmoopy" reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry and his girlfriend call each other that and gross everyone out. Blarrrghh.

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violeteyedsoul
One thing that bothers me as I am becoming more comfortable with my asexuality are family gatherings or other parties where everyone is in a couple. I don't know why, but I feel I must be missing something. I also feel everyone is pointing behind my back and whispering "did you hear about him".

I was thinking about this on Sunday when I went to my parents to celebrate my brothers wife's birthday. My parents, my brother and his wife, my sister and her husband, my two lesbian house mates, even my twin niece and nephew seemed like a pair. As always I was the odd man out.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

All the time.

Every millionth of a split second of every day.

Infact just the other day, I found out that I'd feel like a TOTAL FAILURE and immoral if I were to hook up with a girl.

odd.

But that's how BRAINWASHED I've been by my parents and family, and surroundings. I'm the type that identifies with social norms. And internalizes them to the point where their my own values, beliefs.

How can I stop this feeling of failure for not wanting to have a partner?

As for this I'm sorry, but whether it's youth or something else; I cannot answer this one.

Sorry.

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Ha. "Schmoopy" reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry and his girlfriend call each other that and gross everyone out. Blarrrghh.

That's probably where it comes from. I don't know, I never watched the show but I must've heard it from someone who did.

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  • 2 weeks later...
One thing that bothers me as I am becoming more comfortable with my asexuality are family gatherings or other parties where everyone is in a couple. I don't know why, but I feel I must be missing something. I also feel everyone is pointing behind my back and whispering "did you hear about him".

I was thinking about this on Sunday when I went to my parents to celebrate my brothers wife's birthday. My parents, my brother and his wife, my sister and her husband, my two lesbian house mates, even my twin niece and nephew seemed like a pair. As always I was the odd man out.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

How can I stop this feeling of failure for not wanting to have a partner?

Yes, I have been in that situation before..Luckily, my family has stopped asking me when am I going to take a boyfriend home, so now I can relax and enjoy the meal. But I still feel strange sometimes, everyone with their couple except me.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I agree with what everyone else said: avoid family gatherings if possible. If not, spend time playing with the kids, they don't usually care if you're single! lol They're less judgemental and often a lot more fun! (if they have a Wii, you can be busy for hours and hours!)

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Happy Hanukkah to my fellow Jewish Asexuals on this forum, Merry Christmas to the Christians, and to anyone who has other religious ceremonies upcoming and TO those who are secular, good wishes also. I hope any contact you have with your families during December is as pleasant as possible. Don't let the Sexuals get you down!

Eat a lot of :cake::cake::cake::cake::cake: , everyone!

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It gets uncomfortable at times when relatives especially grandparents are asking you this centuries old question:

"Do you have a boyfriend yet?"

:roll: I always say that the guys I meet are never good enough for me. They don't know the idea of asexuality so I'm not going to bother in that topic.

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My family and I have been out of touch for years. Not just because I'm not part of a couple, and no one in that dysfunctional miasma would bother to tell me why either, so I can only guess, but it isn't worth the headache second-guessing these morons so I'd rather enjoy life and the friends in my adopted family. As for those of us who feel like outsiders among our own kin, there could be any number of reasons. Maybe they don't like your religion, or lack of any, maybe some of them find you rude or unfriendly, maybe you don't make enough money, or they think your grooming or hygiene is terrible, or maybe they're all social and political reactionaries and you're the only progressive member of your family, or maybe unlike the others, you don't own your own home, or a car, or don't watch t.v., or only see foreign and art-house films, or (gasp!) read books, make art and listen to classical music. Maybe they're all jerks. Or maybe you're the jerk. Maybe we're all jerks. Sooner or later you have to pick up your life and live it and perhaps even make some hard decions regarding those dreadful family gatherings, and endure the phantom pain for as long as it lasts, because for quite a while you're going to have to suck it back, force yourself to smile and celebrate the joy you have found in your solitude. One thing I do believe, and strongly, is this: those of us who choose to walk alone, and do well walking alone, show often a strength, integrity and courage that is absolutely threatening to the vast majority to whom the worst hell imaginable would be to go through their small uninteresting lives alone.

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The only awkwardness for me would be that I'm usually the only single there. My parents are dead, and my sister knows and accepts who I am. My nieces and nephew know better than to ask if I'm going to get married, or even if I have any bf's. They all accept me as I am! Great family, wish more people could have a family like mine that accepts and doesn't try to change a person.

Having said that, I don't see my sister and her family very often only because they live in the Detroit area, over 400 miles away from me. Darn it!!!

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