How to make internal peace and accept no sex? (Forever)

[Olallieberry]

This whole "nobody needs sex" thing is like - nobody needs real food or taking water by mouth either. Shouldn't be too much of a sacrifice to ask someone to subsist on vitamin pills, stomach tubes or IV nutrients for the rest of their life, right? Right? As long as you can get it from a tube, Isn't asking for an oral drink of water morally equal to robbing your granny again for crack money? Because nobody needs a drink of water, right?

[Sally]

33 minutes ago, Ollie415 said:

This whole "nobody needs sex" thing is like - nobody needs real food or taking water by mouth either. Shouldn't be too much of a sacrifice to ask someone to subsist on vitamin pills, stomach tubes or IV nutrients for the rest of their life, right? Right? As long as you can get it from a tube, Isn't asking for an oral drink of water morally equal to robbing your granny again for crack money? Because nobody needs a drink of water, right?

I crown you the King of Sarcastic Analogies.   👑

[Vorps]

58 minutes ago, Ollie415 said:

needs

Please stop coopting the word need like this.

 

It is to only mean 'will die without.' As the dictionary instructs us. There is no nuance for 'very important.'

 

 

[Olallieberry]

13 minutes ago, Vorps said:

Please stop coopting the word need like this.

 

It is to only mean 'will die without.' As the dictionary instructs us. There is no nuance for 'very important.'

 

 

Did you intend to direct that at me? I was lampooning someone else’s use of the word.

[Vorps]

17 minutes ago, Ollie415 said:

intend

I did, and forgot the /s. My bad

[uhtred]

59 minutes ago, Vorps said:

Please stop coopting the word need like this.

 

It is to only mean 'will die without.' As the dictionary instructs us. There is no nuance for 'very important.'

 

 

Need tends to get used more broadly in common English usage - but like most languages English is pretty sloppy.   No one needs more than shelter from deadly environments, air and food  (and weirdly enough sleep) in order to live.  But in order to be mentally healthy people need a lot more, and that varies with the person.  Long term solitary confinement for example is considered to be torture by many people.  

 

Avoiding physical abuse is not a "need" in the sense that it will prevent death, but it certainly is a need in order to have an acceptable life. 

 

I think its fair to say that many people need sex in order to be happy.   (qualifying the "need" with the specific outcome).  Of course there are many people who do not need sex in order to be happy, and many who cannot be happy if they are having sex.

 

 

Really the question being asked is should people stay with a partner where there is a sexual incompatibility that prevents them both from being happy (after considering all options), and I think that in almost all situations the answer is no. 

[MrDane]

Personally, I would go miles to stay in my relationship, but…

 

if accepting a sexless life feels like refusing to take the medicine that keeps your demons away, being frequently overwhelmed by sadness and loneliness, not being able to fully enjoy life with all it has to offer, then I would surely look for better options.

 

I would choose my wife and a life with her. I would not force her to have sex, but I then look at which option that can keep some sex in my life. She can say no, but she cannot say no for me.

[Olallieberry]

13 hours ago, MrDane said:

She can say no

But she doesn't, according to your other posts in other threads. Not always, anyway.

 

What if she did?

 

13 hours ago, MrDane said:

she cannot say no for me

I don't gather that extramarital sex, open or otherwise, is on the table for you, yourself, but if it were, she could say "no" to that. Then your choice of a life with your wife might hang upon whether you were to insist on doing something she says no to.

 

I have come very close to having to make that choice. I wouldn't have forced her to be the one to say "no," not by getting caught nor by making an ultimatum, but it's likely I would have said "no" to the marriage myself if the alternative were accepting a sexless life.

 

* EDIT in case the above is confusing, based on the last time I posted in this thread. Since that time my wife and I have come to an agreement on ENM (ethical non-monogamy)

 

Edited December 10, 2023 by Olallieberry

[MrDane]

On 12/10/2023 at 10:39 PM, Olallieberry said:

But she doesn't, according to your other posts in other threads. Not always, anyway.

 

What if she did?

 

I don't gather that extramarital sex, open or otherwise, is on the table for you, yourself, but if it were, she could say "no" to that. Then your choice of a life with your wife might hang upon whether you were to insist on doing something she says no to.

 

I have come very close to having to make that choice. I wouldn't have forced her to be the one to say "no," not by getting caught nor by making an ultimatum, but it's likely I would have said "no" to the marriage myself if the alternative were accepting a sexless life.

 

* EDIT in case the above is confusing, based on the last time I posted in this thread. Since that time my wife and I have come to an agreement on ENM (ethical non-monogamy)

 

Any major change in a relationship requires that you sit down and talk about the new situation. Where do we go from here and have the goals changed. It doesnt have to turn into a catastrophe, but needs to be taken serious and dealt with accordingly. It could be about good stuff, like pregnancy, job opportunities. It could be other things.
 

I like the term ENM! I guess it means: to open your relationsship (sex-wise) but still in a ethical way,which means no lies or cheatings and no “abuse” and no risk of someone having sex with you due to a financial transaction or by being dependent on you. And to do the rigth thing. 

 

What I tried to say was, that we can all only speak for ourselves. She can say: “ I do not want to participate in anything remotely related to sex. I know, you say it is important to you, but it is more important to me, to not be a part of that or have it in my life by any means, therefore: sex between us is completely out of the question”. This is her rigth to say and it will be followed. A gamechanger? Yes, but so be it. I would still choose a life with her.
 

She can say: “I would rather have, that you did not have sex with anyone else and since I dont want to either, then it means that you will never have sex again for as long as I am alive and we are together.” This would be quite a gamechanger for me and I think we would have to evaluate and discuss how to go on from there. I would advocate for that having som sex in my life is very important and I feel like she is making vital decision about my life. I would like to discuss how we can keep our relationship, but as sex between us is out of the question, then how can I pursue a life with some sex, out of our relationship(ENM!) …and without putting a great risk on our relationship. 
 

I think, that it should be thoroughly thought through. And I think, it may require being open about it, to complete the ENM. I dont want my kids to be caught in the dilemma of thinking that dad is cheating, when he is going to see a friend, in her appartment, every month. They should know, this is our mutual agrred-upon plan, in order to stay together and keep daddy sane. Perhaps, it is even more important to emphasize that mom and dad loves eachother very much. And as the kids are growing up, then I would like them to understand that this is not just because daddy is a sexual predator who just got bored with mom. I would in fact rather be only and exclusively with mom.

[Mountain House]

4 hours ago, MrDane said:

I like the term ENM! I guess it means: to open your relationsship (sex-wise) but still in a ethical way,which means no lies or cheatings and no “abuse”

Yes. Everyone is aware and consenting. ENM is an umbrella term that describes many relationship forms that exclude some or all exclusivities assumed by monogamy. In the realm of sex this could be swinging, friends with benefits, casual,...

 

There are asexual people that practice forms of ENM such as polyamory. ENM isn't just about sex.

 

4 hours ago, MrDane said:

sex with you due to a financial transaction ... being dependent on you

Both can be done ethically. 

[Olallieberry]

On 12/26/2023 at 1:55 AM, MrDane said:

I dont want my kids to be caught in the dilemma of thinking that dad is cheating, when he is going to see a friend, in her appartment, every month. They should know, this is our mutual agrred-upon plan, in order to stay together and keep daddy sane. Perhaps, it is even more important to emphasize that mom and dad loves eachother very much. And as the kids are growing up, then I would like them to understand that this is not just because daddy is a sexual predator who just got bored with mom. I would in fact rather be only and exclusively with mom.

How old are they?

 

I have a 12 year old and while I'm not interested in telling him lies, I'm also expecting to have to tell him sometimes that I just don't want to talk about it, it's my business not his, and "I'm going out to see a friend" is all he needs to know for now.

 

I also expect to just straight up confirm his suspicions if he were to ever figure it out and ask about it.

 

When he's older, I'll probably just start filling in some of the blanks as he matures.

 

I imagine that any conversations between him and my wife which I'm not involved in will go similarly. She and I have already had this talk with each other. But, it could be that she winds up having her own way of handling it if he asks questions. I'm sure she won't tell lies, but beyond that, whatever she decides to reveal is up to her and fine with me.

[MrDane]

On 12/26/2023 at 7:25 PM, Olallieberry said:

How old are they?

 

I have a 12 year old and while I'm not interested in telling him lies, I'm also expecting to have to tell him sometimes that I just don't want to talk about it, it's my business not his, and "I'm going out to see a friend" is all he needs to know for now.

 

I also expect to just straight up confirm his suspicions if he were to ever figure it out and ask about it.

 

When he's older, I'll probably just start filling in some of the blanks as he matures.

 

I imagine that any conversations between him and my wife which I'm not involved in will go similarly. She and I have already had this talk with each other. But, it could be that she winds up having her own way of handling it if he asks questions. I'm sure she won't tell lies, but beyond that, whatever she decides to reveal is up to her and fine with me.

15+. It is not important to have them informed about our love life in general, but I think they should know that dad is not a cheater who betrayed mom and the family values, instead of wondering and making up stories.

[MrDane]

On 12/26/2023 at 3:30 PM, Mountain House said:

Yes. Everyone is aware and consenting. ENM is an umbrella term that describes many relationship forms that exclude some or all exclusivities assumed by monogamy. In the realm of sex this could be swinging, friends with benefits, casual,...

 

There are asexual people that practice forms of ENM such as polyamory. ENM isn't just about sex.

 

Both can be done ethically. 

Surely, both can be done ethically, but there can easily become a shift in equality, when money or dependance is in the equation. I am also sure a lot of loving married couples find themselves in both categories once in a while. 

[acz24]

On 11/24/2023 at 4:31 AM, Windmills of My Mind said:

Like so many aspects of human sexuality, it does not work to compare yourself with others. We are all different in how we experience our sexuality. It doesn't work for me. That does not say it cannot work for you. You will have to find out for yourself, if it is sufficiently fulfilling for you. I am sorry. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting sex in your life, in your relationship with your partner. You are not broken. Nor is your partner, for not desiring this. The uncomfortable situation is that you are incompatible on this aspect of your relationship. Whether or not you want to go through with it is up to you.

 

It is one of the infamous four choices you have:

1. Accept a life of celibacy

2. Compromise sex (only feasible if your partner is not sex averse, so in your case this probably wouldn't work)

3. Open relationship

4. Separate

 

That is rather bold, but there is no silver bullet, no secrete escape hatch which will make you both feel happy, fulfilled and complete.

 

If I may add one more thing: do not expect this to become easier with time. It does not. Feelings of lost time, lost quality of life may in the long run increase resentment towards your partner. You may start to feel sour for all you have missed out on. Whatever you decide is OK as long as it is a deliberate choice. Not choosing is also a choice. Which you may regret in due time. Do take this into account. Don't let your life fade away into old age with feelings of deep regret.

 

And let's not end with just negative wordings. Welcome at AVEN, and have some cake 🍰

 

On 11/24/2023 at 4:31 AM, Windmills of My Mind said:

Like so many aspects of human sexuality, it does not work to compare yourself with others. We are all different in how we experience our sexuality. It doesn't work for me. That does not say it cannot work for you. You will have to find out for yourself, if it is sufficiently fulfilling for you. I am sorry. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting sex in your life, in your relationship with your partner. You are not broken. Nor is your partner, for not desiring this. The uncomfortable situation is that you are incompatible on this aspect of your relationship. Whether or not you want to go through with it is up to you.

 

It is one of the infamous four choices you have:

1. Accept a life of celibacy

2. Compromise sex (only feasible if your partner is not sex averse, so in your case this probably wouldn't work)

3. Open relationship

4. Separate

 

That is rather bold, but there is no silver bullet, no secrete escape hatch which will make you both feel happy, fulfilled and complete.

 

If I may add one more thing: do not expect this to become easier with time. It does not. Feelings of lost time, lost quality of life may in the long run increase resentment towards your partner. You may start to feel sour for all you have missed out on. Whatever you decide is OK as long as it is a deliberate choice. Not choosing is also a choice. Which you may regret in due time. Do take this into account. Don't let your life fade away into old age with feelings of deep regret.

 

And let's not end with just negative wordings. Welcome at AVEN, and have some cake 🍰

Amen! Don't let your life pass you by! It's okay, work it out openly or break up. Obviously there's something wrong there. And you need to solve it ASAP. You SHOULD be having sex as it is the glue that holds us all together. If your openly having sex with someone else but not him / her...your bonding with the other person and not him / her...and it will ultimately end the relationship. This is important that you have sex with your partner ESPECIALLY If your having open sex. This is where so many open relationships fail. You can't do one and not the other. This will never work..you can't withhold from your partner because of that. Take it from someone that knows! Only your partner is the ultimate choice..and should be the one you make. But if your having difficulty with this...then you need to consider what I said. And, you also need to see if he /she is okay with this. If so, great! But if not...your going to break up and you might as well settle things now before later. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news =/ but remember stay positive! There's always hope in EVERY situation.

[Windmills of My Mind]

6 minutes ago, acz24 said:

You SHOULD be having sex as it is the glue that holds us all together. If your openly having sex with someone else but not him / her...your bonding with the other person and not him / her...and it will ultimately end the relationship. This is important that you have sex with your partner ESPECIALLY If your having open sex. This is where so many open relationships fail. You can't do one and not the other. This will never work..you can't withhold from your partner because of that. Take it from someone that knows! Only your partner is the ultimate choice..and should be the one you make.

That may be the case for you. It may not work like that for all couples. I happen to know a few couples who eventually came to a situation different from what you describe. Still together and happy to be together. No two couples are the same, so telling us what works for you doesn't mean it works like that for everyone. We are all different. No worries, I appreciate you sharing your views and experiences. Would you care to elaborate? How come you are someone that knows, what happened in your life and what did you learn from that? 

 

Also, welcome !!

[Duderino]

On 11/24/2023 at 3:31 AM, Windmills of My Mind said:

 

1. Accept a life of celibacy

So let's say option 1 is chosen. How to move forward accepting a life of celibacy?

[Liara]

Never found it, good luck!

[Olallieberry]

2 hours ago, Duderino said:

So let's say option 1 is chosen. How to move forward accepting a life of celibacy?

Step one would be to fully grieve the loss of what you spent all this time expecting and have finally given up. Just because it's a conscious choice doesn't mean it isn't a grave, life-changing loss.

 

After taking the time to recover from step 1, step 2 would be to see how it goes and find out whether you can actually do it, without continuing to feel like you're bereft of something you really, really don't want to live without. I don't think that making the decision to be celibate can change how you're going to feel about actually being celibate forever.

 

Those feelings might be very negative, even after you have accepted that in this relationship celibacy is going to be your commitment. So there might wind up being a step 3 in the future, such that you cease subjecting yourself to that negativity and start looking for another solution or a way out entirely.

 

But go ahead and give steps 1 and 2 a chance. Especially step 1. Processing the grief will be very important for approaching everything which follows with clear eyes and purposeful intention. There are lots of resources for processing grief, from books to spiritual advisors to just giving it time.

 

It will never be "okay" that the thing you lost is missing, but the feelings of bereavement will get less intense and the acceptance that this is what reality is (rather than continuing to hope it could be different) will get stronger.

 

Time makes those two things happen. Other resources could help make it happen faster.

 

Quote

The Dude abides.

 

[Duderino]

2 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

But go ahead and give steps 1 and 2 a chance. Especially step 1. Processing the grief will be very important for approaching everything which follows with clear eyes and purposeful intention. There are lots of resources for processing grief, from books to spiritual advisors to just giving it time.

This Dude appreciates your advice. Sex has been a struggle in my marriage for years now. I think I have already completed step 1. Grief started with a long period of denial followed by short periods of anger and bargaining. Then came the massive dark period of depression but I feel I have come out the other side. Or I'm at least close to it. My focus is definitely on acceptance now but I've had trouble finding any helpful information on acceptance until now. Seems like I just need to give step 2 more time to process. 

 

Are there any books you could recommend that address acceptance specifically? Thank you for your help!

[pepperann]

On 8/28/2025 at 9:44 AM, Duderino said:

Are there any books you could recommend that address acceptance specifically?

Hi,

 

I am currently in the process of trying acceptance 🙂 (Note the use of the word “trying.”) As @Olallieberry pointed out, there’s a real need to grieve, and the grief has been hard for me. Part of that road was dealing with some depression. Another part was exploring ENM, a topic for another day. Anyway, regarding books that help with acceptance, here are a few I found:

 

1) Melanie Beattie’s “Co-Dependency No More.” This isn’t to say that allos are codependent, but I think there is truth in Beattie’s argument that you have to let people be responsible for their own circumstances instead of trying to save them. In my case, I often tried to behave in certain ways or put my partner in certain situations thinking that my partner would change, and then — this is the co-dependency part — felt angry that they didn’t feel a certain way after the fact. You might resonate with this if you partner has ever argued that your sex life would change if X was better, and then you worked really hard to improve X. 
 

2) Esther Perel’s State of Affairs, which is not so much an examination of acceptance but understanding sexual drives. For me, it really normalized the ways I was feeling after years of sexlessness. 

 

3) Angela Chen’s Ace, likewise, is illuminating for understanding asexuality. It has helped me understand that (of course) asexuality is not something to “work on” or “fix.” In my case, my partner didn’t know they were ace, so we (I — see, codependency!!) were trying to fix things for a long time that were not, in fact, broken. 

 

4) Finally, “The Long Road Turns to Joy: A Guide to Walking Meditation” by Thich Nhat Hanh, which is a short read about presence and meditation. 

 

 

 

[Gecko1]

20 hours ago, pepperann said:

 

1) Melanie Beattie’s “Co-Dependency No More.”

I heard about this book recently and the description given made me realize that I had no idea what co-dependency actually was. I thought i understood it, but apparently not. So, now I need to read this book. 😁

[Olallieberry]

50 minutes ago, Gecko1 said:

I heard about this book recently and the description given made me realize that I had no idea what co-dependency actually was. I thought i understood it, but apparently not. So, now I need to read this book. 😁

I think this is sadly common.

 

It's sad when people who don't experience it don't understand and recognize it, it's even sadder when someone who does experience it doesn't understand and recognize it.

[pepperann]

On 10/14/2025 at 3:23 AM, Gecko1 said:

I heard about this book recently and the description given made me realize that I had no idea what co-dependency actually was. I thought i understood it, but apparently not. So, now I need to read this book. 😁

Yeah, I’m a touch torn on this book because on the one hand, attachment is totally normal. Saying “don’t attach to people” or calling people “needy” really undercuts the reality of having emotional needs. So, I think there is value in balancing this book with “Attached” by Amir Levine, who, unlike Beattie is an MD.

 

I have found that while I probably am somewhat co-dependent, it’s not perhaps as bad as Beattie would say it is. I think the fact that Beattie’s book is largely for people in relationship with alcoholics or others with substance abuse issues, the risks are different than many in ace/allo relationships. Just an note 😊