How to make internal peace and accept no sex? (Forever)

[Cranberries]

My partner and I haven’t had sex in 4 years.

We’ve been together 6 years, we are a same sex couple. First 2 years of our relationship, our sex life was very satisfying.

 

We have had multiple talks about how important this part of our relationship is (to me) and she constantly says she doesn’t feel like sex because of life worries, stress and she just doesn’t have sex drive anymore. I wondered if she’s asexual, but she never admitted this. 
 

I tried helping. Having conversations. I bought self-help books. Suggested intimacy on holidays (we should be less stressed on holidays, shouldn’t we?). She doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Promises we will work it out. Years go by, nothing changes. 

My question is how to make peace with it? 
 

Everyday I crave closeness and intimacy. I am missing the bond you can have with a partner in a sexual relationship. It’s not the same to me without this part of our lives.

 

So again, my question is how can I make internal peace with the fact we haven’t had sex in such a long time and I don’t know if we will again? I am done and deflated fighting for this part of the relationship. I would like to accept things as they are and release myself from this sad feeling I had for the past few years. Is this possible?

 

Has any one of you sexuals made peace with being in a relationship with an asexual and not having any intimacy in your relationships? Can everything else you’ve got suffice? 
 

P.S. People have already suggested open relationship, but this will not work for me. 

 

[Windmills of My Mind]

1 hour ago, Cranberries said:

So again, my question is how can I make internal peace with the fact we haven’t had sex in such a long time and I don’t know if we will again? I am done and deflated fighting for this part of the relationship. I would like to accept things as they are and release myself from this sad feeling I had for the past few years. Is this possible?

 

Has any one of you sexuals made peace with being in a relationship with an asexual and not having any intimacy in your relationships? Can everything else you’ve got suffice?

Like so many aspects of human sexuality, it does not work to compare yourself with others. We are all different in how we experience our sexuality. It doesn't work for me. That does not say it cannot work for you. You will have to find out for yourself, if it is sufficiently fulfilling for you. I am sorry. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting sex in your life, in your relationship with your partner. You are not broken. Nor is your partner, for not desiring this. The uncomfortable situation is that you are incompatible on this aspect of your relationship. Whether or not you want to go through with it is up to you.

 

1 hour ago, Cranberries said:

P.S. People have already suggested open relationship, but this will not work for me.

It is one of the infamous four choices you have:

1. Accept a life of celibacy

2. Compromise sex (only feasible if your partner is not sex averse, so in your case this probably wouldn't work)

3. Open relationship

4. Separate

 

That is rather bold, but there is no silver bullet, no secrete escape hatch which will make you both feel happy, fulfilled and complete.

 

If I may add one more thing: do not expect this to become easier with time. It does not. Feelings of lost time, lost quality of life may in the long run increase resentment towards your partner. You may start to feel sour for all you have missed out on. Whatever you decide is OK as long as it is a deliberate choice. Not choosing is also a choice. Which you may regret in due time. Do take this into account. Don't let your life fade away into old age with feelings of deep regret.

 

And let's not end with just negative wordings. Welcome at AVEN, and have some cake 🍰

[Liara]

Nearly 24 years with my ace partner with no sex and I still haven't find how to make peace with that fact. It still hurts.

I'm really sorry you are in this same situation...

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Is non-sexual intimacy on the table?

[everywhere and nowhere]

8 hours ago, Cranberries said:

Has any one of you sexuals made peace with being in a relationship with an asexual and not having any intimacy in your relationships? Can everything else you’ve got suffice? 

Intimacy =/= sex. I really hate use of the word "intimacy" as an euphemism for sex - because it suggests that people who don't want to have sex also don't desire and don't experience any intimacy. And this is not true. I absolutely appreciate verbal intimacy with a friend and other intimate activities such as psychedelic sessions. I indeed wouldn't want to - couldn't - have sex with anyone, but it doesn't mean that I don't need non-sexual intimacy.

Sex is just one of intimate activities and doesn't exhaust the area of "intimacy", which encompasses much more.

I really feel sorry for you. It's likely that your partner is asexual, and if she is, there's nothing either of you can do to change the other's preferences. I also wouldn't like to give you an impression that I'm harrassing you or whatever for your misuse of the word "intimacy". But still, if I may follow this route: remember that, since sex doesn't exhaust intimacy, no sex also doesn't mean no intimacy. I realise that for people who desire sex it is not just any activity, to be freely replaced by something else. However, perhaps you can improve your situation if you open up to non-sexual intimacy. But for this you need absolute trust and communication. You need to tell your parner that you understand her unwillingness and that you're not going to pressure her, but she also needs to trust you completely, which may too not necessarily be the case... If these conditions are met, you can at least develop non-sexual intimacy. Without it, the relationship is probably not worth sustaining it.

[Cranberries]

43 minutes ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

Intimacy =/= sex. I really hate use of the word "intimacy" as an euphemism for sex - because it suggests that people who don't want to have sex also don't desire and don't experience any intimacy. And this is not true. I absolutely appreciate verbal intimacy with a friend and other intimate activities such as psychedelic sessions. I indeed wouldn't want to - couldn't - have sex with anyone, but it doesn't mean that I don't need non-sexual intimacy.

Sex is just one of intimate activities and doesn't exhaust the area of "intimacy", which encompasses much more.

I really feel sorry for you. It's likely that your partner is asexual, and if she is, there's nothing either of you can do to change the other's preferences. I also wouldn't like to give you an impression that I'm harrassing you or whatever for your misuse of the word "intimacy". But still, if I may follow this route: remember that, since sex doesn't exhaust intimacy, no sex also doesn't mean no intimacy. I realise that for people who desire sex it is not just any activity, to be freely replaced by something else. However, perhaps you can improve your situation if you open up to non-sexual intimacy. But for this you need absolute trust and communication. You need to tell your parner that you understand her unwillingness and that you're not going to pressure her, but she also needs to trust you completely, which may too not necessarily be the case... If these conditions are met, you can at least develop non-sexual intimacy. Without it, the relationship is probably not worth sustaining it.

Thanks for your reply. I absolutely see your point and I agree with what you are saying! I should have been more specific by saying I am missing “sexual intimacy” with my partner. 
 

We are intimate in conversations. We hold hands, have hugs, share secrets, deep conversations, etc. I am just constantly waiting for us to be closer sexually.  

[Acing It]

1 hour ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

Intimacy =/= sex. I really hate use of the word "intimacy" as an euphemism for sex - because it suggests that people who don't want to have sex also don't desire and don't experience any intimacy.

I can relate to that. To the OP I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Cranberries]

9 hours ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

If I may add one more thing: do not expect this to become easier with time. It does not. Feelings of lost time, lost quality of life may in the long run increase resentment towards your partner. You may start to feel sour for all you have missed out on. Whatever you decide is OK as long as it is a deliberate choice. Not choosing is also a choice. Which you may regret in due time. Do take this into account. Don't let your life fade away into old age with feelings of deep regret.

THIS is so powerful, thank you! I haven’t heard this from anyone before, but it makes my feelings seem so validated. I am in my late twenties, feeling good about my body and I would like to be ‘couple sex happy’. 
I do feel resentment, but not because my partner doesn’t want to have sex, but because she isn’t trying, changing things. Because she isn’t trying to change things, I feel my needs aren’t important. Should she not want to change things, I would like her to give me a clear message instead of leading me to think things will improve in the future. 
She says us talking about it makes it feel awkward, so even worse for any change. 
 

10 hours ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

And let's not end with just negative wordings. Welcome at AVEN, and have some cake 🍰

Thanks! I was on a few lesbian forums before, but my posts/problems haven’t been understood. People were surprised why I am still in this relationship. I have read a few posts on this forum and knew straight away I need to join! 

[Liara]

She absolutely needs to be honest with you and to tell you how she feels about that. She doesn't have to lie to you if she already knows she doesn't want to have sex anymore. But you have to tell her you prefer to know the truth than to have hope for something that will never happen.

Honesty will be the best for both of you.

[Cranberries]

6 minutes ago, Liara said:

She absolutely needs to be honest with you and to tell you how she feels about that. She doesn't have to lie to you if she already knows she doesn't want to have sex anymore. But you have to tell her you prefer to know the truth than to have hope for something that will never happen.

Honesty will be the best for both of you.

Yes, thanks! Did your partner tell you they are definitely ace and you accepted? 

She keeps telling me she thinks about sex too, just doesn’t feel like it, but things will change. 

[Liara]

Not at the beginning, nobody knew about asexuality back then. She just rejected me without telling me why. A few years later, i learned about asexuality, told her and she answered "yes, that's me!". Months later, she told me we would never have sex again nor kisses. And she never liked touches so no cuddles and hands holding.

At this time, it already was too late to imagine leaving her. I had to accept celibate.

 

It's not surprising she tells you that will change. Maybe she really believes it. Or maybe she knows the truth but is scared you leave if she tells you.

But it's unfair to you and her to keep this hope if it's false. She will feel pressured for life and you will feel more and more frustrated. Not a life.

[Olallieberry]

Quote

How to make internal peace and accept no sex? (Forever)

I, for one, can’t. If it looked like that was the expectation, I couldn’t stay. Married 17 years, we have a kid.

 

My spouse identified as asexual a year and a half ago, after years of sexlessness. The good news is that at least she’ll talk about things.

I told her, just once, a long time ago, I won’t be in a sexless marriage forever. I haven’t repeated that, and won’t unless we get to where there’s nothing else to work on or try, regarding saving our marriage. It’s not necessary to repeat it, and doing so would be manipulative in a way which can’t lead to a natural and healthy way to stay together.

 

We went through all of what you described. We tried sexual compromises and none of it worked. I finally told her I wasn’t interested in the inadequately minimal, vanishingly infrequent, and ickily one-sided “sex” she could very occasionally offer.
 

We’re beginning to talk about some kind of open, non-monogamous situation. That’s what it would take, for me. 
 

I don’t want extramarital sex because I don’t love my wife, I want it because I do.
 

I will offer one more bit of experience. Sex wasn’t the only thing missing, for me. I craved the non-sexual intimacy, too. But because sex was such a difficult thing, we couldn’t pursue cuddling or the like. I knew I couldn’t expect it to escalate to something sexual if I got turned on while cuddling, so I avoided it. She was afraid of the same thing, so she avoided it too. When we talked out loud to each other, and told each other we both expected to be able to cuddle without it escalating to sex, that got a lot better and we’re not scaring each other away anymore. Sometimes there’s still a time when she doesn’t want cuddling, usually because she’s tired and doesn’t want it to keep her up, but it’s not always “No” and it’s never avoided for reasons that don’t have to do with just cuddling.

 

My wife didn’t have the major barriers against talking like your partner seems to have, but I still have had to dare to propose these things before she would talk them through. It feels really one-sided sometimes, but at least she’s open and honest even if I have to pursue these conversations with her myself.

 

If she weren’t willing to talk, it would have been over already just for that reason alone, regardless of the sex.

[Vorps]

Welcome to Aven. There are quite a few people here who understand the heartache you're experiencing.

 

I want to second Windmill's point that everyone is different, as is their relationship to their own sexuality. We have tons of examples right here on this forum.

 

So what works for me in my general 'acceptance' might not work for you. The fact that you see celibacy and acceptance as an option differentiates you from those who know immediately that the presence of sex is a non-negotiable part of a romantic relationship. For me, it did get a little easier with time. Now, while I still crave sex to an extent, I don't crave it with my wife. The lack of sexual attraction to her makes it simpler.

 

That's not a path everyone is willing to take.

 

For my money, it looks like more than an incompatibility issue, you have a communication issue first and foremost. You can't expect to 'move-on' from your sexual relationship and recover from the greif of its passing without being able to talk to your partner in definitives.

1 hour ago, Cranberries said:

She says us talking about it makes it feel awkward, so even worse for any change. 

Tough shit, imo. I'm not saying to ambush her with ultimatums and go in guns-a-blazing, but talking needs to happen. Expectations need to be set. Quite a few people who've come here have reported that taking sex entirely off the table has opened the lines of communication a bit. The asexual partner wont feel like the sexual person is trying to convince them to have sex, or that they want to try to change their orientation, and the lack of pressure can make those conversations feel less intense.

 

It might feel like sex is off the table right now, but until 'hey, sex isn't happening again' is said by one or both partners, then it stays as a bit of an unfulfilled cloud between you.

 

You may find a compromise that works for both of you, and then you can renegotiate that statement together.

 

The asexual label doesnt necessarily matter, only that there is a clear mismatch in desire/need for sex that needs to be addressed for the relationship to be sustainable (happily, of course. Suffering in silence is an option.) How its addressed and to what end depends on the two of you and what you need/want as people.

[Olallieberry]

Quote

 

I do feel resentment, but not because my partner doesn’t want to have sex, but because she isn’t trying, changing things. Because she isn’t trying to change things, I feel my needs aren’t important. Should she not want to change things, I would like her to give me a clear message instead of leading me to think things will improve in the future. 
She says us talking about it makes it feel awkward, so even worse for any change.

“it’s awkward” is no excuse at all for shutting down discussion. How awkward are your feelings of irresolution and of negation?

 

Would it help if you didn’t wait for her to “inform” you of what you already know? How would it be to just decide for yourself that it won’t improve and there won’t ever be sex between you again?

 

How would it be for you to tell her that? How would it be for her to hear that? Almost certainly not easy, but maybe necessary? Do you think she has to know, be shown, how you see this, honestly? Is hiding it a good basis for a long term relationship going forward?

 

I would leave over this. I'm not talking about the sex, though that could also end a relationship for me. But I couldn't ever make "internal peace" over denial, erasure, refusal to communicate. The prioritizing of her feelings over mine. That’s so unfair and presumptuous of her. I for damn sure wouldn’t suck up anticipating decades more of such treatment.

[uhtred]

This is a problem that may never go away. It hasn't for me in >30  years and it may never get easier.  It may be better for both of you to end the relationship.  I know that isn't what you want, but the alternative may be living your entire life with a cloud hanging over things.

[ubereatsme]

12 hours ago, Cranberries said:

Because she isn’t trying to change things,

She doesn't need to. 

 

She has the physical and emotional intimacy she wants. 

 

Presumably a financial companion who has helped purchase assets and helps fund holidays 

 

She may have the kids she wanted or the parenting situation she planned to have

 

Why would she change any of that when the situation is pretty ideal for her?

 

What inventive would she have to want the situation to be better suited to you? 

 

Other than having to shut you down when you won't stop "whining" about having no sex, how does your sexless life burden her?

 

She knows you'll stay regardless. You've proved you will. 

 

She feels no onus to ensure your needs are met if they don't correspond with hers and she doesn't see their value. I've been her. 

 

Therapy helped me see my own needs and expectations as equally valuable as those of others. It helped me take responsibility for what I need and sourcing it. I've now been in a relationship with someone for a couple of months after some time of dating. They aren't asexual but don't want sex. It's going well. 

 

[Cranberries]

I wanted to say thanks to everyone who replied! I imagine you see similar posts here all the time, mine doesn’t stand out. 

Another thing that crossed my mind (and was mentioned above as assets) is our plans to buy a property in the nearest future. We are getting closer to this plan, maybe next year we will be in the position to do it. 
I feel I wouldn’t like to invest in such a big thing with her if I knew we will have no sexual relationship or without knowing how this sexual relationship will look like. Should we go back to having sex, what if it will be enough for her to do it once a year and my expectations are more frequent? 
 

I feel I would like us to find the sexual compatibility before committing to a joint mortgage. I’m worried it’s awful of me to think this way. 
 

Again, I know some of you mentioned above the relationship might not have a future. She assures me our sex life will change, she just needs to get rid of stressors in her life (work stress, family stress). Does it make me an idiot not wanting to invest into our future because she temporarily (so she says) isn’t willing to be sexual with me? 

 

45 minutes ago, ubereatsme said:

Why would she change any of that when the situation is pretty ideal for her?

Yes, that is a good point! I heard from her once she is happy with things as they are. 

[Liara]

Don't believe the situation will change by miracle. There will always be a new thing who will stress her, or prevent her to want sex... Because she doesn't want sex. Et she doesn't have to.

No sex compatibility will appear magically. Sex compatibility is there at the beginning or not.

And if she knows you will leave if you know the rest of your relationship with her will be sexless, she will continue to tell you that it will come "later". And maybe she really believes it. I don't say she is lying. Maybe she hopes that it will come to her.

Some ace people believe that after their wedding, they will magically be able to want sex. Guess what? That never happens.

[Windmills of My Mind]

6 hours ago, Cranberries said:

I wanted to say thanks to everyone who replied! I imagine you see similar posts here all the time, mine doesn’t stand out.

You are welcome. Keep venting if you feel the need to vent. Keep asking if you want opinions or different views.

 

6 hours ago, Cranberries said:

Another thing that crossed my mind (and was mentioned above as assets) is our plans to buy a property in the nearest future. We are getting closer to this plan, maybe next year we will be in the position to do it. 
I feel I wouldn’t like to invest in such a big thing with her if I knew we will have no sexual relationship or without knowing how this sexual relationship will look like. Should we go back to having sex, what if it will be enough for her to do it once a year and my expectations are more frequent? 
 

I feel I would like us to find the sexual compatibility before committing to a joint mortgage. I’m worried it’s awful of me to think this way.

No it is not awful and you are not an awful person to worry about this. For some people sex in a relationship is a necessity in order to feel loved, to feel complete, to feel bonded to their partner. It does not make you awful, and neither does it make you a shallow person. If this is an important need for you in order to feel happy, then your partner should know and acknowledge this aspect of you. This does not mean that she owes you sex. It does mean that she is not in a position to deny the importance of it, for you. That is for you and you only to decide. Nobody else but you is entitled to make this call for you.

 

6 hours ago, Cranberries said:

Again, I know some of you mentioned above the relationship might not have a future. She assures me our sex life will change, she just needs to get rid of stressors in her life (work stress, family stress). Does it make me an idiot not wanting to invest into our future because she temporarily (so she says) isn’t willing to be sexual with me? 

No it does not make you an idiot. I'd feel inclined to say you are an idiot if you step into these serious commitments without this issue being resolved between the two of you. It is important to you. Therefore it is important for both of you. Don't let it be swept under the carpet or made irrelevant or just a minor thing that will work itself out at some indeterminate time in the future. That moment may never come. If it makes them feel awkward, you can show empathy. That could actually be helpful to keep the conversation going. Just don't let that move into ending the talk. Your partner needs to know. If they keep denying this, they are denying an important aspect of your person. I think loving and respecting partners should not do that to each other. Your feelings are valid. Your concerns are valid.

[tragiclover]

 

 

6 hours ago, Cranberries said:

Yes, that is a good point! I heard from her once she is happy with things as they are. 

5 hours ago, Liara said:

Don't believe the situation will change by miracle. There will always be a new thing who will stress her, or prevent her to want sex... Because she doesn't want sex. Et she doesn't have to.

No sex compatibility will appear magically. Sex compatibility is there at the beginning or not.

And if she knows you will leave if you know the rest of your relationship with her will be sexless, she will continue to tell you that it will come "later". And maybe she really believes it. I don't say she is lying. Maybe she hopes that it will come to her.

Some ace people believe that after their wedding, they will magically be able to want sex. Guess what? That never happens.

It is so important for you to realize this. The less sex you have, the happier she is and the unhappier you are. But you love her and want her to be happy so you sacrifice your happiness for hers. It feels like the selfless loving thing to do. But it may never work for you. And she may not understand at all what you are giving up for her.

I've lived this too. It is really hard to let go of the hope that somehow, sometime in the future, sexuality will awake between you and it will all get better. It won't. It may seem to get better at times. Both of you may even want it to get better. But you can't fix what isn't broken. It is just two pieces that were never designed to fit together. I knew things were wrong before we got married so long ago, and I thought marriage might fix it. I knew on our honeymoon that it didn't. Try to talk about it with her. Try not to blame yourself. Your desires will not go away. They are part of who you are. And you can't awaken something in her that was never there.

[uhtred]

I don't recommend trying having sex for a while. Many asexual people, including my wife, are able to have sex for a while and to their sexual partners it seems like everything is better - but its not.  The asexual may not be enjoying themselves, they may be feeling pressured. Its a situation that is likely to end soon - with no real improvement.

 

For the relationship to work there needs to be a level of sexual interaction that makes you BOTH happy. Happy, not just tolerating

[User001]

14 hours ago, ubereatsme said:

She doesn't need to. 

 

She has the physical and emotional intimacy she wants. 

 

Presumably a financial companion who has helped purchase assets and helps fund holidays 

 

She may have the kids she wanted or the parenting situation she planned to have

 

Why would she change any of that when the situation is pretty ideal for her?

 

What inventive would she have to want the situation to be better suited to you? 

 

Other than having to shut you down when you won't stop "whining" about having no sex, how does your sexless life burden her?

 

She knows you'll stay regardless. You've proved you will.

I appreciate you outlining this as you have, and I completely understand. This is precisely the situation I face. 

 

But this part:

 

14 hours ago, ubereatsme said:

She feels no onus to ensure your needs are met if they don't correspond with hers and she doesn't see their value. I've been her. 

Isn't there some level of appreciation or understanding for what the sexual partner is missing? And for how that is making them feel? 

 

Isn't there some interest in seeing them happy and whole?

[Olallieberry]

22 minutes ago, User001 said:

Isn't there some level of appreciation or understanding for what the sexual partner is missing? And for how that is making them feel? 

 

Isn't there some interest in seeing them happy and whole?

Speaking for myself, yeah, there is, but my ace spouse and I are still working out whether it’s enough to keep us together without any sex. Because that’s the level we’re collectively least unhappy with. She’s going to talk to me very soon about some kind of extramarital sex agreement so that it’s not just “zero sex with anyone ever“ for me.

[ubereatsme]

8 hours ago, User001 said:

I appreciate you outlining this as you have, and I completely understand. This is precisely the situation I face. 

 

But this part:

 

Isn't there some level of appreciation or understanding for what the sexual partner is missing? And for how that is making them feel? 

 

Isn't there some interest in seeing them happy and whole?

Well, I felt like this and I've met numerous ace people who also make these arguments. 

 

So, imagine if you had a loved one that used to have a drug addiction, and now they "miss" meth. You'd acknowledge that they probably do miss it, right? But for all the worst reasons. Not for reasons that are going to make you rush out and get them some. 

 

Then missing it is part of their bad character, not the good parts of them that you're sticking around for. 

 

Or you could say it's a like a man who has done a lot of work on his toxic masculinity, but he does miss the ease of relying on the patriarchy to gain advantage. Like you might acknowledge that life is harder when you do not rely on the patriarchy to aid your success, but you're not going to feel sorry for the guy who is now doing what is right by everyone instead of just himself. 

 

The main point here is that you disagree that someone's happiness should come from exploiting or harming themselves or others. You shouldn't need meth or the ability to exploit women and "weaker" men to feel content. The harm caused by those things should be enough to eradicate any sense of good that comes from them. That's how a "good person" would feel. 

 

A lot of ace people believe that on some level, sex and the desire for sex is disgusting and wrong. Wrong because sex is harmful, maybe even sinful and gross. So the fact that your partner believes that they'd be happier with sex is the same as saying they'd be happier as a meth head or happier in a strict patriarchy. It says something about their character. They're not entitled to want to harm and exploit people (as they believe sex inherently does), and so their need for sex is fundamentally invalid. 

 

You don't have to treat it like a real need. You get to treat it like a 800lb person who wants another burger. It's part of their illness and giving it to them would be no good. Leaving them to find someone else to feed them burgers is also not the right way to deal with it. The correct thing to do is to teach them over time that they never really needed sex (or burgers) and it's a bad thing. Eventually, they'll just give up and accept it.

[BeakLove]

On 11/25/2023 at 9:33 AM, Cranberries said:

Again, I know some of you mentioned above the relationship might not have a future. She assures me our sex life will change, she just needs to get rid of stressors in her life (work stress, family stress).

Hollow excuses. Why address something today when there's always tomorrow?

 

"Stress" explains why sex might not happen that day or that week. It's been years of this. What factor is going to magically change? 

As others have said this "new" status quo needs to be acknowledged. It's not temporary and it's making you unhappy. That is not a solid platform on which to build a life.

 

On 11/25/2023 at 9:33 AM, Cranberries said:

I feel I would like us to find the sexual compatibility before committing to a joint mortgage. I’m worried it’s awful of me to think this way. 

You're about to make a massive commitment tying your lives together. If it doesn't feel right, it at least deserves pause for thought. A promise to fix it once the house has been locked in and the keys have arrived rings very hollow given the history you've described.

 

There's no guarantees in life but it doesn't feel right now, trust that feeling. It has to be a life you want, not one you'll tolerate or resent. Life is too short to spend in the waiting room.

 

On 11/24/2023 at 5:27 PM, Cranberries said:

We are intimate in conversations. We hold hands, have hugs, share secrets, deep conversations, etc. I am just constantly waiting for us to be closer sexually.

There's nothing wrong with wanting the full suite of intimacy with a partner. Intimacy without a lid on it. Good conversations isn't a substitute for a physical relationship, any more than the opposite is the case.

 

Sexual intimacy doesn't live in a discrete box that can be neatly removed, it flows through every part of a relationship. Sexual and romantic feelings re-color and enhance all the other parts you mentioned. It's not "just sex", it's a whole part of yourself you can no longer express in this relationship. Intimacy is a function of how much of yourselves you share together.

 

Are you happy to build a life with someone without the sexual piece? If it weren't to change, would what you've described be enough?

[Heleleth]

8 hours ago, ubereatsme said:

A lot of ace people believe that on some level, sex and the desire for sex is disgusting and wrong. Wrong because sex is harmful, maybe even sinful and gross. So the fact that your partner believes that they'd be happier with sex is the same as saying they'd be happier as a meth head or happier in a strict patriarchy. It says something about their character. They're not entitled to want to harm and exploit people (as they believe sex inherently does), and so their need for sex is fundamentally invalid. 

Whoa there buddy, you’re making a huge (and rather negative) generalization for a group of people. 

[Olallieberry]

1 hour ago, Heleleth said:

Whoa there buddy, you’re making a huge (and rather negative) generalization for a group of people. 

Make that two groups of people.

[ubereatsme]

I've literally been counselled this way by ace people as an asexual. I'm speaking from direct experience of ace communities. This is why the people who feel this way say it is okay to dismiss the significance of this "need" (read: want) but not other valid needs of your partner.

[uhtred]

To the OP:
You wrote: 

 

"We have had multiple talks about how important this part of our relationship is (to me) and she constantly says she doesn’t feel like sex because of life worries, stress and she just doesn’t have sex drive anymore. I wondered if she’s asexual, but she never admitted this." 

 

That is almost exactly what my wife says and has said - for 35 years.  Even though our lives are very comfortable, she feels too stressed for sex.  (but not for other things).  Even when we are spending a romantic week in Venice with nothing we need to do she is too stressed.   But she is not too stressed to hike in the mountains, or tropical rainforests.  Not too stressed to want to travel to exotic destinations where we don't speak he language and have only read about the culture. 

 

She isn't lying - she really is stressed, because its the thought of sex that is causing the stress.   It will never go away, or at least it hasn't in >35 years.

You wrote:

"Has any one of you sexuals made peace with being in a relationship with an asexual and not having any intimacy in your relationships? Can everything else you’ve got suffice? "

 

I have not.  I love my wife, so its horrible to say, but I feel there is something that is missing from my life and that now its too late to ever get it back.  I don't want to resent her for it because I know its not her fault, but sometimes I do - and I hate myself for it.   The desire for sex is just too fundamental to many people's makeup - think about it:  For lots of history homosexuals would seek out partners despite a very real risk of torture and death of they were caught - to me that indicates just how deeply important a sex life is to some people. 

Nothing replaces sex.  Its not unique - there are many irreplaceable things in a relationship -  its like a chain, no link is more or less vital than the others, but they all have to be there.

 

 

You wrote: 
I feel I wouldn’t like to invest in such a big thing with her if I knew we will have no sexual relationship or without knowing how this sexual relationship will look like. Should we go back to having sex, what if it will be enough for her to do it once a year and my expectations are more frequent?

 

It makes complete sense not to make a huge long term investment until you have settled the relationship. The last thing either of you should want is to be "trapped" in a situation where you want to leave but can't. 

 

I very much recommend against having her "try" to have sex - if she isn't enjoying it, you won't. She will feel pressured and stressed, you will feel rejected and stressed.  It will be much too much for her and much too little for you.

 

 

 

[uhtred]

@ubereatsme wrote:

You don't have to treat it like a real need. You get to treat it like a 800lb person who wants another burger. It's part of their illness and giving it to them would be no good. Leaving them to find someone else to feed them burgers is also not the right way to deal with it. The correct thing to do is to teach them over time that they never really needed sex (or burgers) and it's a bad thing. Eventually, they'll just give up and accept it.

 

I'm not sure if you are taking that position or saying that other take it.  In any case I think the position is completely wrong:

 

The reason additions like meth, or overeating are considered negative is that they are directly destructive and eventually prevent someone form living a fulfilling life or engaging in a relationship.  The drug addict generally becomes unable to do anything but try to get their next fix.   The over-eater causes themselves serious physical harm (in the extreme cases, in mild cases its fine).   Sex is different.  Most people who enjoy active sex lives also have working relationships, and lives.  For most people sex is not an addiction where they always need more, there is some amount that makes them happy.  In most cases it actually improves the relationship. Its not more an addition than enjoying music, or walking in the great outdoors, or engaging in some sport. 

 

Of course asexuals do not need, and do not want sex in order to be happy.  That is completely fine, but so are sexuals do do want and need sex to be happy. Neither is right / wrong / broken - they are just incompatible in a relationship.  Its really no different from a case where one person wants solitude, wants to to live in a cabin in the wilderness, surrounded by nature and away from other people, while the other person loves the excitement and crowds of a big city.  Nothing wrong with either, but they are not going to be happy living together.