Asexual partner

[Hillwalker2023]

I am an allisexual (heterosexual) man (59) and have a partner of nearly 20 years who I believe is is asexual. It is not something she is willing or able to talk about, but she says that she does not see the point of sex and this extends to most forms of physical intimacy. I am looking for a support network of people in the same position, I recently listened to a podcast by Jeannie Burnett which was very helpful: https://ourpath.org/ourpath_podcast/s3-ep-2-when-a-husband-is-asexual/

[Sarah-Sylvia]

@Hillwalker2023Welcome to the site. You posted in the right section to talk with other sexual partners :). And of course there's asexual-spec people around too. I hope you'll get a bit of support like you're looking for along the way.

 

The podcast is interesting and how it also involves partners of trans people (I'm trans myself) in their about section makes it interesting to hear on, I've definitely seen how hard it can be on straight partners at times, and everyone can use some support.

 

Personally I had trouble with physical intimacy in a sexual relationship because I knew they wanted sex, but actually I love physical intimacy and affection a ton (just not sexually), but I know there are asexual people who are asensual too, though I have trouble understanding not having physical touch because being able to feel afffection is important to me (aromantic people might not connect to that much intimacy though, just to say). I always wonder if partners could enjoy non-sexual forms of intimacy if sex is out of the picture, but often that isn't enough for sexual partner, and in this case it sounds like there's more going on.

 

Anyway mostly wanted to say hi :).

[Olallieberry]

Hi @Hillwalker2023, congratulations finding AVEN in general and FSPFA in particular. I hope we can help.

 

Speaking for myself, I couldn't stay if my ace wife (together 19 years) couldn't talk about it. But everyone and every situation is different, that's something FSPFA shows.

 

Welcome

[uhtred]

Welcome and sorry to hear you are in the same boat as a number of us.   Its a huge problem, and it doesn't improve over time.   You need to ask yourself if you can be happy this way or need to end things.    Your choices really are to live with minimal sex,  have sex outside the marriage (with or without her permission) or leave.   Bad choices, but I think they are all you get. 

[lovetolove]

@Hillwalker2023 you haven't said how you feel about your situation other than that you're looking for support.  How long have you suspected that your wife may be asexual, and how does that knowledge affect how you feel about the future of your relationship with her?  The discovery, or realisation, that your partner is asexual can be both devastating and liberating at the same time, it can create feelings of uncertainty, insecurity and fear for the future where once you may have felt secure and certain of what your future as a couple looked like.  By liberating, I mean that the realisation of your partner's asexuality can be a positive thing in that it means no one is "broken", nobody is to blame, and you can, if you both wish to stay together, seek to find a new way of being a couple and leave behind the pain and heartache that may have preceded the discovery of asexuality.

Whether your wife wishes to discuss her sexuality or not, the fact is that if she loves you and wants your relationship to survive she will have to at some point acknowledge that things will need to change or have changed, and make the commitment to work on the relationship going forward, whether or not that will include any form of sexual intimacy. 

@uhtred has outlined the basic choices many of us have been faced with.  In these early stages of your discovery/awakening, you could take back control for yourself and choose celibacy as a positive choice for yourself, at least until such time as you've both had time to consider your future.  That way, the pressure for sex is lifted from both of you, you can concentrate on your relationship without that element of it being a pressing issue to be resolved.  

I'm also in 20 year marriage and fairly recently my wife and I came to realise that she is asexual.   This forum has been invaluable for support and information, I hope that you too will find the support and knowledge that you deserve in order to make the right choices for yourself and your future happiness. Best wishes to you.