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Question for sexuals in successful relationship w/ asexual


asexual1976

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The question in a nutshell : How do you make it work ?

From all that I gather, sexual attraction seems to be an extremely powerful driving force and many sexuals go to great lengths to get sex.

But as you are in a relationship with an asexual, you are not having sex with that person at all or having sex with a person that doesn't really want to and is only engaging in it to please you. So don't you feel that something fundamental is missing in your relationship ?

If you're not having sex with your partner :

Can sexuals give up sex and be completely happy ? And not miss something fundamental ?

If you're having sex with your asexual partner :

Doesn’t it feel awkward ? I don't really have anything to compare it to, but doing something, anything really, with a person that didn't really want to join in the first place, is usually not much fun.

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Well the only thing I can think of would be that the sexual would have to "sacrifice" their urges to be with the asexual, the asexual must "sacrifice" their body so the sexual can have sex, or the asexual lets the sexual go to other people for sex. Some have no problem with these for some reason, although I think going to other people is wrong nor do I like sacrificing a partner just for me. No I am not in a relationship, but that's just how I see it.

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BleedingThrough

Yea I think either one would have to sacrifice. Although it would be hard for both people since one isn't getting what they want. Hopefully it's the sexual that gives up sex for the asexual because no one should have sex if they don't want to.

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Openness is definitely the key to maintaining a successful sexual/asexual relationship.

My girlfriend and I (she's asexual, I'm not) had been good friends for a couple years before we started a romantic relationship, and she'd already come out to me before it started. I think that generally helps, as we each somewhat knew what we were getting into.

There are definitely sacrifices to be made, but that's true of any relationship. I think that in any relationship, it's rather rare for partners to really have precisely the same desire for intimacy.

If you're having sex with your asexual partner :

Doesn’t it feel awkward ? I don't really have anything to compare it to, but doing something, anything really, with a person that didn't really want to join in the first place, is usually not much fun.

I can't speak for a sexual in a relationship with a "total" asexual, but I try to make sure I don't push her into anything.

We talk about our differing views on intimacy, and we try to clarify whatever differences we think manifest problematically.

So far, it really hasn't felt more complicated or awkward than a sexual-sexual relationship.

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Sendbillshere

I've been in a relationship with my asexual girlfriend for about 3 years, the second year finding out about her being asexual. For me being a guy, it didn't sit very well at first but then I realized that sex didn't really matter to me. Since then, our relationship has grown for the better and she trusts me alot more than she used to.

Before she told me she was asexual, things were a little awkward and I often wondered why she wouldn't recipricate the lovey-touchy advances I threw her way. Now she trusts me with just about everything (unless it's something I can break, I'm clumsy like that). The topic of sex hasn't come up at all and recently, I've started to wonder since participating in sex doesn't interest me, if maybe I'm a little asexual (though doubtful). In short there is such a thing as a successful sexual/asexual relationship, even without the other party going off to fulfill sexual needs with someone else outside the relationship.

But communication, openess, trust and all that jazz is so much more crucial in these types of relations. Just come right out and ask, set boundries, research and by all means, never be pushy. If it works, you'll know. If it doesn't, like any relationship, it can be settled respectfully and maturely.

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I am a female sexual and married to a male asexual. My husband of 9 years describes his having to make love to me as something that causes him turbulence and anxiety (saying this as he points to his chest and heart area). This is such a turn off to me emotionaly and in all respects. It causes me not to allow for future sexual encounters being that it causes him so much repulsion and stress, and my question is this: Since he was not upfront with his asexuality prior to marriage, what am I supposed to do now, 9 years later and 3 kids later? He has made a choice for the both of us that was not my choice, it is degrading and hurts, and had I known about this, I would not have married him. What now?

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"Hopefully it's the sexual that gives up sex for the asexual because no one should have sex if they don't want to."

No one should have sex if they don't want to, but no one should deprive a sexual of sex if the sexual wants to have sex, also. The asexual gets their need for no sex met and the sexual does what? Deny their own need? Pretend it isn't important? Substitute lovemaking with talking and "sharing" with hands politely folded in lap? The sex drive is a drive... and I think it can only be ignored for a time until ANOTHER SEXUAL PERSON gives it a spark and then it's up and running full blast ahead...what then?

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It depends on the individual. I think I'd be able to compromise and have sex, and it is a little problematic and even unfair to expect a sexual individual to give up sex utterly. If they can then kudos and so forth to them, because that's something that must take a lot of strength.

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BleedingThrough
"Hopefully it's the sexual that gives up sex for the asexual because no one should have sex if they don't want to."

No one should have sex if they don't want to, but no one should deprive a sexual of sex if the sexual wants to have sex, also. The asexual gets their need for no sex met and the sexual does what? Deny their own need? Pretend it isn't important? Substitute lovemaking with talking and "sharing" with hands politely folded in lap? The sex drive is a drive... and I think it can only be ignored for a time until ANOTHER SEXUAL PERSON gives it a spark and then it's up and running full blast ahead...what then?

That's true. The sexual would have to give up sex but I think it's worse for someone to have to have sex if they don't want to than for a sexual to not have sex if they want to.

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It's an equaly bad situation for the sexual and the asexual, but here I am, 9 years into the virtually sexless marriage, I now realize what asexuality is and that my husband and I will never be compatible in that way, I've been aroused sexually for the past 5 days, and what am I supposed to do to aleviate this consistent need for intercourse? Now that I know for a fact that my husband is asexual and I no longer care to live as a forced asexual myself for the rest of my life, waht compromises do other people make? I want sex. I did without it for his sake but it isn't working for me. I love him, I respect him, I don't want to break up the home but what do I do wth my desires? I cannot suppress them anymore. I am primed for an affair. My husband knows this and has made no move to "compromise". He just wants the marriage to continue and for me to not ask for sex. HELP!!!!!

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In all reality, I see four choices:

Continue to repress your desire.

Force him to overcome his lack of desire.

Satisfy your needs outside of your marriage.

End the relationship.

The first will drive you into a shell, the second will drive him away from you, the third will ultimately split your marriage, the fourth is the hardest to do.

Maybe others can elaborate, but that's essentially how I see the true sexual-asexual dilemma. Not everyone is compatible; and with sex it's a fundamental/irreconcilable difference. It's not a bad thing, for people who do want sex, don't deprive them, for people who don't, don't force them. But if both people aren't on the same page, there is going to be some pain and hurt.[/i]

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Or five, come up with some kind of compromise?

I'd be happy to be in a sexual relationship with someone, I think. It'd be a little weird to me, but if I loved/trusted the other enough, I'd be ok with it.

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  • 2 weeks later...
My husband knows this and has made no move to "compromise". He just wants the marriage to continue and for me to not ask for sex.

That's no good. I'm always looking for the compromise that pleases everyone, but in this case, if he just isn't trying to compromise or even seriously discuss the issue, I would have to agree with Konga's four choices.

That's true. The sexual would have to give up sex but I think it's worse for someone to have to have sex if they don't want to than for a sexual to not have sex if they want to.

That's a matter of pure speculation.

that's essentially how I see the true sexual-asexual dilemma.

While I think the choices you laid out fit in her situation, esp. if her husband is unwilling to compromise, I would caution against generalizing such a situation for all sexual-asexual relationships. In some, compromises can be reached. In others, they can't. It varies from relationship to relationship.

Or five, come up with some kind of compromise?

I'd be happy to be in a sexual relationship with someone, I think. It'd be a little weird to me, but if I loved/trusted the other enough, I'd be ok with it.

Keep in mind that there are many flavor of asexual out there. Her husband may be a strong-asexual who's actually repulsed by sex.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Betrayed...perhaps, like my husband, your's didn't know he was asexual until it was too late. If I had known my husband was asexual I wouldn't have married him...and if he knew he was asexual, he probably wouldn't have married someone with such a high sex drive.

We both love each other very much, and he recognizes that I am like a bird with clipped wings...the wings are there...I can flap them...but I can't fly...he would never have intentionally put me in this position. I believe that, and perhaps your husband is the same...and of course with family and commitments, it becomes much more complicated.

I think compromise is the only answer...other than ending the relationship. My husband and I discussed me seeing other men. It goes against my beliefs and I think he knew that when he suggested it, because after two years of mulling over his suggestion I came to him and said I would consider it, and he told me that it won't work and would end our relationship because he couldn't think of me with someone else.

In hindsight he was probably making a very generous offer knowing I would never have considered going outside the marriage an option...and then I did consider it!

If that's something you can handle, that might be an option, it depends how open your communication is going to be with your husband, and if you are not going to tell him about it...how easy this would be for you to keep to yourself...I don't know if I could lie to my husband or keep something from him, however...I am still considering it. I am considering if I can live with myself if I make that choice.

I guess the biggest piece of advice I can offer is if he didn't know he was asexual when he met you, try not to be so angry with him.

I too felt betrayed...I felt ripped off, misled...but it's too late...you have emotional attachment, children.

I think compromise, there has to be compromise...I understand what the asexuals are saying, they shouldn't be forced to do something they don't want, but I don't feel they realize that abstinence can also make people feel uncomfortable.

In fairness to my husband...he does compromise...just when I am at breaking point and getting brave enough to go outside marriage...he will compromise and I hang in again... :?

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  • 1 month later...

My answer in a netshell would be love. My boyfriend is asexual and I'm trying to learn more about it. I never would have noticed until our wedding night because I don't believe in sex before marriage but he's told me quite recently he has no interest in sex, and although it was a shock, it meant a lot that he told me before it was "too late". I think the motto there would be not to leave off telling your partener that you are what you are.

I'm hoping for children in the future, so we'll probbably compromise but it's definetly something people need to just talk about. I'm 17 so I seem to be a bit younger than some who have more experience with asexual partners but that's my two cents.

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I'm hoping for children in the future, so we'll probbably compromise . . .

Krit, how did you come to the conclusion that the two of you will be able to compromise, and that this compromise will work?

So far as I know, no sexual person on this forum has been able to manitain a satisfactory sex life with an asexual partner. To the contrary, this forum is filled with the testimony of sexual people who are desperately unhappy about their sexual relationships with asexuals. You heard such stories and advice in this very thread from NZRaven, Sphinx, Konga, and Betyayed. If you have browsed this forum, you have read about many, many sexuals who are desperately unhappy due to their unmet needs. You have also read about their asexual partners, who feel pressured and sad about being unable to meet their partner's needs. So I wonder how you have come to the conclusion that your relationship with an asexual will be satisfactory to both of you.

Betrayed and NZraven, I am in the same position as you are. May I suggest that you give serious consideration to a trial separation (at least that what we call it here in California). It means living separately from your spouse for awhile, without a final divorce decree. That will give you a chance to see if life outside your current relationship would be better. Both of you deserve some freedom and a chance for a normal love life. Take your life back before it's too late.

By the way, I have noticed that many asexuals on this forum (especially those who are not currently in relationships) say they think they would be willing to compromise and have sex under certain possible circumstances. Of course, they are highly motivated to believe that, because it must be really hard to admit to yourself, once and for all, that you are not capable of meeting the needs of 99% of the potential partners out there. But when these asexuals actually get into a relationship, they soon find out that they can't betray their sexual orientation for long. Their true nature comes forward, the sex comes to a stop, and the relationship suffers. [Please feel free to direct me to some contrary examples, because i don't know of any yet.]

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It's how I feel; I think we can compromise, I'm not asexual, but I'm not hyper-sexual or not in control of my sexuality. I've never had sex, and regardless of who I'm with I won't until I'm married - I have a grip of my sexuality, and I'd be much more disappointed with a lack of intimacy in a relationship as apposed to intercourse. Not that I'm saying it's extremely easy, but I certainly don't find it impossible. From what I've read, many asexuals have sex, and not all "sexuals" are rampant sex-crazed maniacs. From my social experience, the majority, including myself, aren't. I can only comment on what I know first hand though, and what I feel myself.

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By the way, I have noticed that many asexuals on this forum (especially those who are not currently in relationships) say they think they would be willing to compromise and have sex under certain possible circumstances. Of course, they are highly motivated to believe that, because it must be really hard to admit to yourself, once and for all, that you are not capable of meeting the needs of 99% of the potential partners out there. But when these asexuals actually get into a relationship, they soon find out that they can't betray their sexual orientation for long. Their true nature comes forward, the sex comes to a stop, and the relationship suffers. [Please feel free to direct me to some contrary examples, because i don't know of any yet.]

I don't think it can really be proven that everyone is secretly a liar when they say such things.

Theres been alot of discussion on the forums about sexuality being more like a scale. I don't think things are black and white, asexual or not asexual. I think that its more about the level of drive someone has. Sphinx's successful relationship seems to show that, Sphinx seems to be with someone who has a very low sex drive but with enough of a drive for it to not be a dealbreaker issue for them to participate in a compromise. On the flipside I remember cases where people had no sex drive (so 'non-sexual' and no interest in a compromise) and happily with someone with enough of a low sex drive for it to not be an issue. And other cases where people were asexual but 'indifferent' to sex making them not feel so strongly against the act itself therefore making it easier for them to participate in it. It really depends on the individuals. And some individuals may indentify with asexuality because they dont hold the same amount of sex drive that the majority do, but they may have enough of an indifference to sex or a certain amount of sex drive for it to not be a dealbreaker should they get involved with someone who desires it. In which case those people are being honest when they say they could compromise.

I do agree though that someone should always be upfront and honest about themselves. I strongly believe honesty is what holds any relationship together.

I'm guessing there might be cases where people feel indifferent about sex or are borderline asexual (whereby they feel a stronger amount of sex drive) to maybe feel they could compromise but without an actual sexual experience they may not fully realise the extent of such an experience. And when they do experience it, find they can't handle it. However I definitely think they should be upfront about their confusion or at the very least make it known about their different perspective on things. Then at least both people could at least amicably test the waters first with full understanding of what they were getting into (or pull back from the whole thing entirely). Honesty is best and I know that alot of people encourage this here.

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Rin, I didn't mean to imply (and I don't think I did imply) that anyone is lying. I simply pointed out that, by definition, an asexual typically can't satisfy a sexual, either sexually or emotionally. I also said that asexuals are probably highly motivated to delude themselves about this, since it must be painful to admit that you can satisfy so few potential partners.

Of course, that does NOT mean all asexuals will lie to trick sexuals into relationships. But it may mean that they are motivated to deny and minimize their asexuality in order to have a chance for a relationship.

And I do understand that not every asexual is hopelessly incompatible with every sexual. As you said, there are "borderline" asexuals, who may actually feel some sexual attraction and enjoy sex a little. And there are hyposexual sexuals, who may be satisfied by little or no sex. And of course some people are unusually willing to compromise (live with their needs unmet) in order to preserve a relationship (perhaps they suffer from co-dependency or low self esteem). I'm sure there are many such exceptions. But I was not talking about them; I was talking about the majority, not the fringes. I was talking about those who fit squarely into the definitions of sexual and asexual that we are using on this forum. I was simply saying that a relationship between a typical sexual (not hyposexual, not masochistic, not co-dependent, not lacking in self esteem) and a typical asexual (who experiences no sexual attraction, and has no sex drive toward others) is extremely unlikely to work to their satisfaction.

My question to Krit was to find out why she believes her relationship would be one of the exceptions. It helps to know how others are thinking about their relationships and how they are working these things out. And it also can be helpful to point out other folks' unexamined assumptions, in case they are plunging into a relationship that has little chance of meeting their needs.

It can be very difficult for a young bride-to-be to look into the future and decide how she will feel, ten years from now, if her partner just doesn't desire her as a woman . Will she ache to be held and loved by a man who desires her in that way? Will she crave the touch of a man who actually wants her sexually? Or will it just not matter much?

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I've been in a relationship with my asexual girlfriend for about 3 years, the second year finding out about her being asexual. For me being a guy, it didn't sit very well at first but then I realized that sex didn't really matter to me. . . The topic of sex hasn't come up at all and recently, I've started to wonder since participating in sex doesn't interest me, if maybe I'm a little asexual (though doubtful). In short there is such a thing as a successful sexual/asexual relationship, even without the other party going off to fulfill sexual needs with someone else outside the relationship.

I'm trying to find a way to adjust to my marriage to an asexual. So I'm looking at examples from others on this forum, trying to find out how they are adjusting. You said sex doesn't really matter to you, but did it matter to you before this relationship? If sex doesn't matter to you now, why do you say you doubt that you are asexual? Isn't indifference to sex pretty much what asexuality is?

There are definitely sacrifices to be made, but that's true of any relationship. I think that in any relationship, it's rather rare for partners to really have precisely the same desire for intimacy.

I agree that there are sacrifices in any relationship. But there are healthy sacrifices and unhealthy sacrifices. It's one thing to sacrifice living in your favorite city because your spouse wants to live elsewhere. It's quite another to sacrifice the need to be desired sexually, the need for your spouse to desire you sexually, the need for sex itself. It's probably unhealthy to sacrifice your fundamental needs. Sphinx, would you say that you feel a fundamental need to be desired sexually by your partner, a fundamental need for mutual sexual attraction, and for sexual activity with her?

I always thought that a defining characteristics of sexuals was that they fundamentally need their partner to desire them sexually, and they fundamentally need to desire their partner sexually, and they express that through mutual sexual attraction and sexual activity with their partner. Isn't that what distinguishes sexuals from asexuals? If you don't feel those fundamental needs, can you still be a sexual?

By the way, it's probably true that most partners do not have precisely the same amount of desire for initimacy. But we wouldn't even be having this conversation if that was the issue at hand, because it just isn't important for a couple to have precisely the same anything. We are talking about the huge disparity of desire that typical sexual/asexual couples have to deal with.

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I always thought that a defining characteristics of sexuals was that they fundamentally need their partner to desire them sexually, and they fundamentally need to desire their partner sexually, and they express that through mutual sexual attraction and sexual activity with their partner. Isn't that what distinguishes sexuals from asexuals? If you don't feel those fundamental needs, can you still be a sexual?

Taking these one at at a time: I feel the need to desire my partner sexually. And despite my wife's asexuality, I do. She's OK with me telling her I find her sexy. So we get to tick one box :)

I also feel the need to be desired sexually by my partner. That one goes unmet, and it's true that's caused us some problems. But there are two mitigating factors for us. Firstly, my wife is not repulsed by sex, just completely indifferent, and is willing to compromise and have sex for my benefit. While I don't feel her sexual desire (because she doesn't), I do know she's making a compromise for me - that she's having sex with me not for her own pleasure, but because she loves me. That's not a perfect substitute for feeling sexually desired, but it covers some of the same ground, for me at least.

Secondly, it's been the greatest relief to find out about asexuality. Being able to accept that this is where (and who) we are, and to set about building something that works for us based on that foundation, has been far healthier for us than trying to "fix" her desire, or my technique, or whatever. Being able to banish the idea that needs (hers and mine) were going unmet because one of us wasn't trying hard enough has been liberating. I think it's a very different thing to not feel sexually desired by a partner you know is asexual than it is to not feel sexually desired by a partner you know (or assume :roll:) is sexual.

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Just want to say, thank you for clearing that up for me steve01 and sorry I misunderstood your point. I can see where you're coming from and you were very articulate in explaining the intricacies of what you were saying.

I wish you the very best in your relationship, I can't offer much advice that hasn't already been said but I hope it works out for you.

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Oh my God, I've turned into one of those weird guys who writes intense rants on the Internet! And I can't believe I lectured our happy young bride-to-be, Krit, about things I can't even figure out myself. My apologies everyone.

I really need to move on.

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Oh my God, I've turned into one of those weird guys who writes intense rants on the Internet! And I can't believe I lectured our happy young bride-to-be, Krit, about things I can't even figure out myself. My apologies everyone.

I really need to move on.

Well forums like these are all about discussion and coming together to bring forward various perspectives that come from very different experiences. Sometimes if those experiences were particularly strong and affecting we can end up projecting them onto other people but forums allow for the other side of things to be brought in to balance stuff out. I was being honest when I said I felt you had a good point once I fully understood what you were trying to say. I misunderstood as in your original post it sounded like a one-sided argument but once you clarified things further its obvious that you were already looking at things from both sides of the coin and had a very balanced argument. It's true that people should always be fully aware of what they're getting into and that things should be put forward in a totally honest manner from the getgo so that people dont come away feeling betrayed or lied to. And its true that people shouldnt assume that everything will just work on their own, it requires understanding of each other which means such things have to be questioned and truthful answers required.

Anyway my point is, don't be too hard on yourself, we all contribute differently :)

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Just Not Sure

Glad to have found this forum.

I suspect that my husband is asexual. I'm just not sure.

It's like sex is nowhere on his radar. We've been married for almost 24 years and I don't know if I can continue to live like this. He completely understands that I thoroughly enjoy sex, but it never dawns on him to initiate it. He tells me that he doesn't dislike it. He went to the doctor and had his testosterone checked. It came back fine. The same doctor suggested that I take anti-depressants to lower my libido. I honestly don't think I have a problem. I never took them.

Like some of the others here, I've contemplated sex outside of marriage, but I don't know if I could go through with it. I've mentioned it to him and he's told me that he doesn't want me to.

Anyway, it's nice to be able to put my feelings into words somewhere where there are others like me.

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Not sure..I posted this on another area but thought it good for this topic as well.

This hits so close to home. My husband is Asexual and we have been married for 24yrs. Havent had sex in years. He didnt know he was Asexual until I showed him this site. Think he is still in denial as he is afraid that I will leave him. We both have only acknowledged his Asexual for the past 6-8months. The pain I feel runs very deep that he does not desire me and he has zero interest in making it work sexually for us. He seems to like it just the way it is. Speaking from the wife perspective, you should share this site with your wife and speak honestly with her. Its just how you are hard wired, Im sure you wife realizes that "your just not that into her". I feel your deep pain and hers as well. Been there, done that so to speak. Still working on the marraige but its a painful marraige in my soul and my Asex. husband doesnt even seem to notice.

I dont know if I can do this much longer. The sexual desire is powerful.

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  • 4 weeks later...

It depends on the sexual. I am a sexual, former-asexual, but I could easily give up sex for the man I love and he has said he would do the same for me, if that were necessary. Our feelings of love are stronger than the desire for sex. There are plenty of reasons people live celibate lifestyles, so why should it be any harder to do for a partner? It probably helps that we don't believe sex is inherent in a good, close relationship.

I support the unpopular notion that it is worse for an asexual to be pressured into sex with a partner than a sexual to give up sex for an asexual, not that it makes that sacrifice any easier or less important, and I try and appreciate how important sex is to some sexuals. I greatly admire those sexuals who do try and stay in a relationship with an asexual by compromise. It is a lot they are giving up and dealing with.

Betrayed, I think you should try blaming your husband less. Even if he was already aware that he had problems with sexual desire, it is a confusing issue to deal with and he probably did not know what was "wrong" with him and hoped it would get better. He wouldn't have had anyway to know about "asexuality" (today most people still don't know about it), so he wouldn't view it as an orientation but an embarrassing (especially for a man) problem that he was too afraid to tell you about. I'm sure he was afraid of losing you, because he loved you so much. Yes, he should have told you, but it is hard to blame him much for not doing so, since most wouldn't have said a thing either. It is an honest mistake.

Good luck, Krit. I think it is really sweet that you want to go through this for him. :D Just remember to always be honest with yourself and your partner and communicate a lot (don't assume, for example, that he'll want to compromise), so you're always on the same page.

I always thought that a defining characteristics of sexuals was that they fundamentally need their partner to desire them sexually, and they fundamentally need to desire their partner sexually, and they express that through mutual sexual attraction and sexual activity with their partner. Isn't that what distinguishes sexuals from asexuals? If you don't feel those fundamental needs, can you still be a sexual?
No, I actually thought what separated them was one enjoys sex and the other doesn't. Just because you enjoy sex, does not mean you think it is an integral part of a relationship. I certainly don't have those fundamental needs, yet I am sexual.
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I dont know if I can do this much longer. The sexual desire is powerful.

I think that'll be the case for most sexual. Ok - given - I'm asexual I may not be the best person to judge sexual's desires - but from what I hear talking to sexuals sex seems to be an extremly important part of most people lives. And almost all people could not imagine living without sex.

On the other hand most asexuals do not feel comfortable with having sex. Some are repulsed even by the thought of it, other's, like me, are pretty much indifferent to it. I'd probably consider having sex once or twice for a reason (e.g. for procreation) but I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it on a regular basis.

As far as asexual-sexual relationships it really boils down to what kind of a relationship you want. Sure - you can compromise and have sex only occationally. But do you - the sexual - really want to be in a relationship with someone that "only" compromises on an essential part of your desires ?

Consider this : think of the times you convinced friends or family to do something that you knew they weren't really into. Like going to a ball game with your mother or going for a walk with a friend. Sometimes they might have gotten into it - but remember all those times when they didn't ? It wasn't all that great for you either, was it !?

You'll never get an asexual to like sex. You might be able to drag him/her tp bed and make them do it to please you, but he/she will always only do so unwillingly. And for most sexuals that won't be fullfilling in the long run.

So while you can compromise short-term, doing so won't make either party happy in the long run. It's more or less the same as in a gay-straight relationship. Sure, a gay partner can have sex with a straight partner of the opposite sex and there my be are many couple like that. But most of the time they don't work out, because neither partner is getting their desires fullfilled and living the life that they want to. In an asexual-sexual relationship is essentially the same. One partner isn't getting enough sex and the other one is having way too much. And unfortunately that won't work out in the long run.

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Isn't indifference to sex pretty much what asexuality is?

No. Asexuality is about not experiencing sexual attraction. Whether or not you are indifferent to sex is a division within asexuality which can fluctuate over time or remain constant and depends on each individual.

I simply pointed out that, by definition, an asexual typically can't satisfy a sexual, either sexually or emotionally.

There is nothing in the definition of asexual that says that by definition we cannot satisfy a sexual. The current AVEN definition of asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. This says nothing of ability to perform or satisfy.

I always thought that a defining characteristics of sexuals was that they fundamentally need their partner to desire them sexually, and they fundamentally need to desire their partner sexually, and they express that through mutual sexual attraction and sexual activity with their partner. Isn't that what distinguishes sexuals from asexuals? If you don't feel those fundamental needs, can you still be a sexual?

Yes, you can. If you feel sexual attraction, and feel as though you are a sexual person, your needs and how you meet them have no bearing on your "status" as a sexual.

This is so ironic. On the one hand, if an asexual can compromise without suffering, you seem to think they are not "real" asexuals. If a sexual can compromise without suffering, you turn around and question whether or not they are actually sexual....and in the process you exclude a whole lot of people, both sexual and asexual, from any definition!!

So far as I know, no sexual person on this forum has been able to manitain a satisfactory sex life with an asexual partner.

Really? Have you read every post? Asked every person? That is quite a blanket statement. Which, by the way, is incorrect. I mentioned a few cases I know of offhand in blue below. Not to mention myself. Even concerning my failed relationships, only one ended specifically due to the sexuality issue. The rest ended for run-of-the-mill reasons that any relationship could fall into.

I'd be happy to be in a sexual relationship with someone, I think. It'd be a little weird to me, but if I loved/trusted the other enough, I'd be ok with it.

That is exactly how I feel, and I AM in such a relationship. So I see no reason for you to question your feelings on this. You are probably right. You are probably one of the lucky ones for whom compromise is an option. And since you already know you are asexual, and have a pretty good idea of what this means for you, I think you will be able to navigate the waters better than people who do not realize they are asexual, or who do not understand what that means to them as individuals. :D

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