Are you finally beginning to heal?

[soma55]

From what I've seen so far, this site not only serves as a place to find other people who share a common distaste or aversion or total lack of interest (pick one!) to sex, but is also a safe way to air out abuse issues. Has anyone else here found that it helps to be able to talk about it? Is it possible that I'm asexual because I was sexually molested as a child, raped at 16, and attacked in a parking garage at age 50 (did not get raped, I fought back but did get groped)? I suppose it is possible, but I've seen therapists, read books, read studies and websites and blogs, you-name-it, taken medicines & hormones, tried herbal remedies - NOTHING, I REPEAT NOTHING makes me suddenly wake up as a new, improved sexual being.

[mackat5]

I do find that talking about what happened to me helps. I held emotions(rage) within for far too long, and that isn't good for mental health. While I do think that the rapes had something to do with me being asexual, I don't think that I have a disorder, since I'm perfectly happy as I am!!

[cijay]

From what I've seen so far, this site not only serves as a place to find other people who share a common distaste or aversion or total lack of interest (pick one!) to sex, but is also a safe way to air out abuse issues. Has anyone else here found that it helps to be able to talk about it? Is it possible that I'm asexual because I was sexually molested as a child, raped at 16, and attacked in a parking garage at age 50 (did not get raped, I fought back but did get groped)? I suppose it is possible, but I've seen therapists, read books, read studies and websites and blogs, you-name-it, taken medicines & hormones, tried herbal remedies - NOTHING, I REPEAT NOTHING makes me suddenly wake up as a new, improved sexual being.

I imagine some people find it helpful, yeah.

[Ziffler]

I was never raped or molested so I don't know if talking about it helps those who have been or not. Probably it helps some and not others since we are all individuals with idividual needs. But thats just my opinion.

As for it causing asexuality. I doubt it. That would infer that asexuality is a condition or disorder. Since I am asexual and never was traumatized as a child, then the theory of asexuality being caused by trauma does not work.

In my limited wisdom, I can understand how someone who is raped or molested might not want to have sex, because of it bringing back bad memories. But asexuality isn't not having sex, thats celebacy, its not desiring sex or having sexual attractions. At least thats the way I define it. right or wrong?

Since we are discussing molestation, I will mention something I don't talk about much to anyone. As a child, I desired to be molested. I wanted a guy to molest me. I dreamed about it. I fantasized about it. When I got older, I came to understand what those feelings were about. As a child I didn't know what molestation was. What I wanted was to be loved. To feel physical affection from someone. I wanted to be hugged and cuddled and to feel loved. I didn't want sex. Never in my life have I ever wanted sex. But to this day, and that has been decades ago, I can still feel the memories of my childhood dreams of wanting someone to give me affection even if that meant being molested.

But that isn't why I am asexual. I am asexual because I was born asexual. I have always known it. Sex has always disgusted me.

So in my humble opinion, I don't think being raped or molested makes someone asexual. I believe they might choose to live an asexual/celebate life, because of it. But that's just my opinion.

[Sally]

Right, Ziffler. I don't believe asexuality is caused by abuse, although asexuals can certainly experience abuse, as can anyone. Abuse victims do need to process what happened to them, after which they may or not wish to be sexual again. Asexuals simply aren't interested in being sexual. Unfortunately, however, asexuals may still want physical affection, and in a world where affection equals genital contact, it's difficult. However, because asexuals feel deprived of physical affection doesn't mean they need to be "cured" of their asexuality. Nobody's come up with a method yet of rewiring brains, and I don't want mine rewired anyway.

[mackat5]

Try being 10 years old at the time and having limited or no info about sex at the time. That set in me that this is what sex is all about, and I didn't want anything more to do with it!!! Now, with this being my only experience with what I thought of as sex at the time, I really don't know what other causes there might be. This is what I know! And I was a VERY shy child at the time. And as I said, I don't consider myself as having any sort of disorder.(except depression, but that's diferent)

[mackat5]

No, I am NOT celebate! I had hoped to marry and have children, but that never happened, and I'm not the least bit sorry now. I don't miss what I never had. I tell folks now that I never had any beau friends, but I have a lot of male friends. All of whom would never even think of having sex with me. They know better. Besides, most are gay.

[jay williams]

This topic is indeed a good one to kick around. I suppose one could say that it is part of the nature vs nurture issue of how we are...in any part of our lives...not just sex. (Even with sex...there is certainly ongoing debate on how homosexuality exists, for example).

We could safely say that abuse does not help anyone to develop as a "sexual". Except...abusive experiences are also the cause of over-emphasis on sex (such as sexual addiction and promiscuity), according to many. So one could possibly claim that abuse results in someone who will love sex or hate sex, with no in-between. Either way, abuse is not a healthy thing---by no means.

I am inclined to believe in the "imprint" idea of sexuality. I think that the "impression" a person gets from the first few sexual experiences is very important. The first few experiences impresses an imprint of how we think about sex. . .good, bad, fun, take-or-leave-it, dread, etc.

I want to add that our cultural "myths" have a role too. Sex is supposed to be an act of love. Who amongst us has experienced sex in connection with "making love"? I haven't.

[cijay]

Right, Ziffler. I don't believe asexuality is caused by abuse, although asexuals can certainly experience abuse, as can anyone. Abuse victims do need to process what happened to them, after which they may or not wish to be sexual again. Asexuals simply aren't interested in being sexual. Unfortunately, however, asexuals may still want physical affection, and in a world where affection equals genital contact, it's difficult. However, because asexuals feel deprived of physical affection doesn't mean they need to be "cured" of their asexuality. Nobody's come up with a method yet of rewiring brains, and I don't want mine rewired anyway.

I believe it CAN be caused by abuse. Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction. Be it from the beginning a person's life or something that triggers it (PTSD, medical, age WHATEVER reason).

[roddy9uk]

Sex is supposed to be an act of love. Who amongst us has experienced sex in connection with "making love"? I haven't.

I have and I would suspect that a fair few here have as well, though maybe not those that post often.

As cijay said there can be many reasons for "asexuality". Abuse may be one of them, genetic condition another. Physical/psychological trauma (not from abuse) could also play a part, certainly did with me.

Personally I came here out of curiosity and not to be "healed" of anything.

[Genetically_Dead]

Sometimes I think I am healing but sexual activity is and engaging in it is something I am not willing to do. I think my husband has finally accepted that and he no longer tries to make me be someone I am not.

I think my whole sexual life was just about breeding and when I learned I would not conceive sexuality went away. I feel better not engaging in it. Dennis, the husband, had however moved full time into my room as he feels just laying in bed beside me and an occasional cuddling is enough. I think he had grown alot as a person. He has become a very attentive gardener too. He also finds himself to be involved with wanting to know as much as he can about phones and maps.

Maybe asexuality can be taught at some levels. It's amazing to watch my husband trying so hard to connect with me on different levels. :D

[jungler]

Dennis, the husband, had however moved full time into my room as he feels just laying in bed beside me and an occasional cuddling is enough. I think he had grown alot as a person. He has become a very attentive gardener too.

I thing this is a great example of perfect relationships. This gives me a hope on true asexual relations.

[BleedingThrough]

I believe it CAN be caused by abuse. Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction. Be it from the beginning a person's life or something that triggers it (PTSD, medical, age WHATEVER reason).

Agreed. I was abused when I was younger and I've never had a good relationship with my father. I think this could partly be why I am asexual.

[jay williams]

Dennis, the husband, had however moved full time into my room as he feels just laying in bed beside me and an occasional cuddling is enough. I think he had grown alot as a person. He has become a very attentive gardener too.

I think this is a great example of perfect relationships. This gives me a hope on true asexual relations.

I TOTALLY agree! This is the kind of relationship in which it would be cool to sleep together!

[Tanwen]

I was molested but I didn't realise it at the time so didn't feel like a victim. It didn't have any effect on the person I have become, and talking would probably have made me realise something was wrong about it.

[Ziffler]

I believe it CAN be caused by abuse. Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction. Be it from the beginning a person's life or something that triggers it (PTSD, medical, age WHATEVER reason).

Then am I correct in understanding that you believe Asexuality is a "Condition"?

That's ok if you do. Some here will agree with that idea. That something "Caused" them to be Asexual. Which of course leads to the idea, that there is a "cure." Find the "Cause," treat the "cause" and get cured.

I can only speak for myself. But, For me there isn't a "Cause." I don't have a "Lack" of sexual attraction. I don't have "Any" sexual attraction. Never have. I was born Asexual, or at least by puberty I was Asexual, if one ascribes that sexual orientation begins with puberty, which many people believe. I personally believe that "Orientation" is set before birth, so that we are born into our "Orientation."

But I also respect other peoples points of view that there is a "Cause," whether that cause be environmental, social, tramatic, nutrition, abuse, medical, drugs, or the many other forces that play with our lives.

Because I believe that there are two types of asexuals. Those that are of an Asexual Orientation, and those that live an Asexual Lifestyle. I was born Asexual, with no decision on my part. It's just who and what I am. I call that Orientation. My sister, Heterosexual orientation, after being married 3 times and having 3 children, and 4 grandchildren, decided one day to cut her husband off, choosing to live out her older years without sex. I call that choosing the Asexual Lifestyle, even though you are sexual. In my limited logic, I can see how, "Cause" can determine a person to choose to live an Asexual Lifestyle, even though they may not be of Asexual Orientation. And there's nothing wrong with that.

You have been here, much, much longer than myself. I value your opinion and thoughts. That's the only reason, I commented on your post.

Ok, I'll shut up for now. :lol: :lol: :lol:

I tend to drag on and on and on and on. :lol: :lol: :lol:

It's just since I came here, I've seen two major types of people. Those that have always been asexual and those that became asexual later in life. That puzzles me, and I am still searching for understanding.

[roddy9uk]

[it's just since I came here, I've seen two major types of people. Those that have always been asexual and those that became asexual later in life. That puzzles me, and I am still searching for understanding.

Look at it this way Ziffler..

There are two types of gardens without trees. Those that never had trees in the first place and those that had them but the trees died.

roddy

[lux]

Hey!!!!,that is a very good metaphor,roddy9uk!!!,I like it. :)

[Sally]

That's a great analogy -- trees and leaves.

Re the "healing" discussion, my daughter is 44 and was born with autism (and not Asperger's but straight Kanner's Syndrome, which is very disabling). When she was born, autism was not well-known and children like her were often thought to be either mentally retarded (in which case parents were pointed toward institutions) or schizophrenic (in which case parents were urged to go through therapy). The latter situation was very destructive for families, because they were essentially told that their child had a disease caused by the family, and it was the family's duty to cure or "heal" the child. Autism is now considered a biochemical/neurological disorder (as is, ironically, schizophrenia) and parents have (finally) been exonerated.

I tell this story because when I hear the word "heal" used by partners of people (usually women) who have been sexually abused, I remember those days again -- feeling as though I'm being watched to see if I can make things right, cure my daughter, heal her, so that society will feel more comfortable. I wonder if there's such a pressure on women who have had sexual abuse in their lives that sometimes they are unable to determine just what they DO actually feel, and why. Having someone wait for you to fix yourself (as is having people wait for you to fix your child) is very disabling in itself.

This doesn't directly address (nor can any of us) whether abuse victims can be accurately termed "asexual." But if, as a result of whatever they've experienced, they feel they must be nonsexual for the time being, or for the rest of their lives, I think it is their call. If they do not feel that they can directly address the abuse through therapy, they have a right to whatever defenses they've felt necessary. As the mother of an autistic adult, since scientific opinion has officially exonerated me, I am no longer expected to "heal" my daughter, but the pressure of that expectation is still a strong, unpleasant memory.

[andrew_w]

(and not Asperger's but straight Kanner's Syndrome, which is very disabling).

A small nitpick: Not all Kanner-type autistics are low-functioning, although low-functioning autistics are considered Kanner-type. Some are high-functioning and more or less indistinguishable from Asperger-type autistics. The main difference is that Kanner-type autistics develop more slowly as children, especially with regards to speech.

[Sally]

Have to disagree with the comment about Kanner syndrome (not that this is really relevant to this particular topic we're discussing). Temple Grandin's high-functioning Kanner's and I think she'd definitely affirm (and in fact she has affirmed) that it's very disabling. Kanner's isn't necessarily low-functioning; those are two separate issues. The difference between disabling and low-functioning sometimes has to do with basic intelligence, which is hard to measure with non-verbal autistic people but can be measured in people such as my daughter. Autism is a very complex condition.

Autism can be mitigated somewhat or lived with; it can't be "healed" because it's not a disease. The point I was trying to make was that expecting people to do things so they can heal (or, in the case of parents of autistic children years ago, their children can heal) can be very damaging unless you are very, very certain as to exactly what is going on with them.

[Guest Heligan]

This is in some respects the nature versus nurture debate isnt it!

Most scientist now dont come down on one side or another but go for interaction of the two. So I dont see why it should be any different for sexuality or lack of.

I think we all have innate tendencies, culture influences and personal experiences and changes due to biological age which can change our sexuality over time.

For instance lots of people have a type, and sometimes the type changes because they fall for someone outside their type...

I think sexual orientation as fairly fluid, that you may for instance go from straight to gay or sexual to asexual (It is also possible that the more fluid you consider it to be the more fluid it is as well I suppose).

While some of these changes could be thought of as damage, I dont see why they should unless they causes distress... and cause distress in themselves not because of some additional side effect (such as loneliness or social acceptability).

[jay williams]

I think sexual orientation as fairly fluid, that you may for instance go from straight to gay or sexual to asexual (It is also possible that the more fluid you consider it to be the more fluid it is as well I suppose).

This is an astute observation. Surely you must be right. I say this because it seems extremely unlikely that any one of us function in a perpetually constant state of mind---as it pertains to anything. For example, we vary between hunger for sweets, thirst for water, happy, sad, restless, wanting rest, wanting to be alone, wanting companionship, etc. Why wouldn't we vary between wanting sex, or not, gay or not, etc?

Along the same vein, one wonders if the consequences of abuse may be to some degree related to how highly asexual or sexual a person is: at the time the abuse occurs; and/or at other times.

[Sally]

Just thought of an interesting detail in my own 67-year-long sexual/nonsexual odyssey. The only time in my life that I've had any sexual feelings was when I went off antidepressants (SSRI type) for a few weeks. Those feelings lasted about a week, then subsided. That obviously was a reaction of my brain to the withdrawal of the SSRI chemical(s). So added to the nature/nurture issue, we have to add biochemistry in there also -- so genetics, upbringing/social environment, and bodily chemistry. No wonder this is complicated!

[jay williams]

The only time in my life that I've had any sexual feelings was when I went off antidepressants (SSRI type) for a few weeks. Those feelings lasted about a week, then subsided. That obviously was a reaction of my brain to the withdrawal of the SSRI chemical(s). So added to the nature/nurture issue, we have to add biochemistry in there also -- so genetics, upbringing/social environment, and bodily chemistry. No wonder this is complicated!

Clearly, some chemistry is a factor. No/low testosterone for a male either means no libido or no physical ability to sexually function or all of the above. LOL

Actually, I have read that a side-effect ("contra-indication") of antidepressants is impotence and/or loss of libido. I wondered if this applied principally to males and not females.

Maybe I should be looking for a mate who is on antidepressants? :)

Yes, this sex business is complicated, although I will never fully understand why people can't just have sex for reproductive purposes alone...and why they have to continue to pretend that it is important and fun to have sex for "making love" or "making babies" or for intimacy or such. If people would be realistic and live in the world of reality, then sex would neither be complicated nor very important.

[Sally]

Well, I'll be completely unelegant and describe the sex drive as an "itch." Sexual people need to scratch that itch. Asexual people simply don't itch to begin with and think all this scratching is pretty ridiculous. Unfortunately, everywhere we look, we are being faced with frantic scratching. If only they'd just scratch privately instead of in public, in magazines, in movies, in newspapers, on TV, on billboards...

[violeteyedsoul]

Since we are discussing molestation, I will mention something I don't talk about much to anyone. As a child, I desired to be molested. I wanted a guy to molest me. I dreamed about it. I fantasized about it. When I got older, I came to understand what those feelings were about. As a child I didn't know what molestation was. What I wanted was to be loved. To feel physical affection from someone. I wanted to be hugged and cuddled and to feel loved. I didn't want sex. Never in my life have I ever wanted sex. But to this day, and that has been decades ago, I can still feel the memories of my childhood dreams of wanting someone to give me affection even if that meant being molested.

But that isn't why I am asexual. I am asexual because I was born asexual. I have always known it. Sex has always disgusted me.

That is odd.

I used to have similar like, wants when I was young. Not molested really, just hurt.

I have also learned that it has only meant that want to be hugged, and loved, and I'm told, paid attention too; even if it means being hurt.

Odd.

I wonder WHY I would have thought such things, when I was young?

Unfortunately I have learned the Hard Way that these are the things I DON'T want.

But I'm surprised to find someone else like me.

Honestly, I blame the whole thing on T.V. lol!

:-)

It has been my only outlet to the world.

[jay williams]

Unfortunately, everywhere we look, we are being faced with frantic scratching. If only they'd just scratch privately instead of in public, in magazines, in movies, in newspapers, on TV, on billboards...

...or all alone instead of having to have another person to scrach with.

[cdraines1959]

well, i can't say for sure, but my "shrink" swears this is why i am asexual.

[Ziffler]

That is odd.

I used to have similar like, wants when I was young. Not molested really, just hurt.

I have also learned that it has only meant that want to be hugged, and loved, and I'm told, paid attention too; even if it means being hurt.

Odd.

I wonder WHY I would have thought such things, when I was young?

Unfortunately I have learned the Hard Way that these are the things I DON'T want.

But I'm surprised to find someone else like me.

Honestly, I blame the whole thing on T.V. lol!

:-)

It has been my only outlet to the world.

For me, I think my dreams of wanting to be molested, (and remember I didn't understand what molested was at that time, I just thought it meant someone grab me, get me naked and then hug and kiss and cuddle with me,) stems from the fact that neither of my parents were the touchy feely types. They were both touch me nots. I never got hugs or kisses. No cuddling. No tickle fights on the livingroom floor. No physical contact unless it was a whipping.

I longed to be held affectionately and I would have accepted it from a pervert stranger to get it if I had been given the chance. I can remember thinking this very thought when I was 11/12 years old, walking past the woods between my house and the store, while looking in the woods to see if someone was going to grab me and pull me in. I am blessed of God, that it never happened, but the longing was there.

I carried that longing into my young adult life and searched for a woman that could and would fullfil that longing, but everytime I got close to a woman she wanted more from me than I could give, sex and marriage with children. I wanted affection, not sex.

Now I am a hardened old man, that just don't care anymore.

My only dream now is when I get raptured and return with Christ to reign during the Millennium is that I can return to earth as a naked 12 year old boy and relive my boyhood. Dreams are wierd aren't they. :lol: :lol: :lol: