How to confidently tell people you are not interested in dating.

[CaittMarr]

So I have this one side of my family that always ask me questions about boys. Every time I see them it's the first question they ask. It's at point I feel like they are making fun of me. I honestly know in my heart that they are not, they are just super religious. It just stings. Makes me feel like I am never going to be good enough and sometimes I feel they think I am a forever loser. Every time I just dodge the question but I am honestly sick of it. I was wondering if I should say something more abrupt next time. It's really pissing me off.  I think I would feel little better never see them again  but would hurt my mom to much. It's only initial greeting that it happens but really makes me want to leave once I hear it. Should I change my strategy on answering to these questions? Any advice on dealing with people like this? Should I bring it up to my mom? 

[Hurta]

11 minutes ago, CaittMarr said:

 I think I would feel little better never see them again  but would hurt my mom to much

Honestly, if it sucks your energy up that much, this may be an option to consider. However, if you want to be less drastic first:

 

11 minutes ago, CaittMarr said:

 Should I change my strategy on answering to these questions? Any advice on dealing with people like this? Should I bring it up to my mom?

What do you normally say to them? My best advice: I just shrug it off, definitelt not laugh (they take as "oh, they're uncomfortable, SPILL THE TEA"), and say I'm not nterested at this point in life; simple and to the point. If they insist, no, I don't have a crush at the moment, no, no one's after me, no, I'm really sure I'm not friendzoning anyone.

 

What's your age, is your mom accepting? If you're on the younger side and she is, telling her might be good help so they intrude less on your life.

[CaittMarr]

4 minutes ago, Hurta said:

Honestly, if it sucks your energy up that much, this may be an option to consider. However, if you want to be less drastic first:

 

What do you normally say to them? My best advice: I just shrug it off, definitelt not laugh (they take as "oh, they're uncomfortable, SPILL THE TEA"), and say I'm not nterested at this point in life; simple and to the point. If they insist, no, I don't have a crush at the moment, no, no one's after me, no, I'm really sure I'm not friendzoning anyone.

 

What's your age, is your mom accepting? If you're on the younger side and she is, telling her might be good help so they intrude less on your life.

I just tell them no to everything. I am in college and 22. I usually just say no and not interested. This time kept bringing it up and asking me if my type was "blondes, brunette..."  and continued from then I just say no. So the thing is that in high school I came out to her as a lesbian and that is what she thinks. I don't fully Identify with it anymore but if I ever was interested in someone in future I still think it would end up being a women. She the most accepting person in my family and only one I have told myself. Yea honestly might give some space. We don't see them a lot luckily. 

[Lord Jade Cross]

 

Show them this every time they ask

[Sally]

There is always the simple and sincere statement, "I'm not interested in dating."  Things don't always have to be complicated.  

[Monke Jimmy]

I agree with Sally. You just have to tell them you're not interested in answering their question (with confidence!) and be stubborn about it. 

 

I got lucky. I have a couple family members who used to ask (my grandpa's wife tried to set me up with a younger girl, ew ew ew), until halfway through high school, when I got a special gift from my theater group. One of the members made rainbow bracelets for everyone, including me and my brother. Whenever I'm out and about and see one of the theater people, they recognize the bracelet, and sometimes are wearing it. One major side effect of it is that when I forgot to take it off, the allonormative, slightly homophobic, yet very polite people in my family have stopped asking about girls. 😂

I feel a bit guilty about wearing rainbow things as a straight guy, but it's literally a children's bracelet I got from my theater group, and it shows that I'm somebody people can come to. 

 

On the other hand, if you're confident enough, you could go all "malicious compliance" on them and recruit a Beard. 🤔

[Lord Jade Cross]

Unfortunately, alot of parents (and grandparents, and aunts and uncles), especially super religious ones are like talking to a steel wall reinforced with concrete. No amount of stubbornes or saying "Im not interested" will suffice, because their horse vision lets them "know" that you secretly want to but are too embarassed to admit it and they will push and they will push and they will push the issue over and over and over again

 

Best way to go about it is to piss them off about the subject to an unbelivable degree so they dont have the energy to ask again. Or failing that beccoming excedingly agressive. That will usually scare them away

[everywhere and nowhere]

4 hours ago, Hurta said:

no, I'm really sure I'm not friendzoning anyone.

I would omit this. After all, if one prefers "platonic" relationships to "romantic" ones (I use quotation marks because I just fail to see a Fundamental Difference here; I prefer the approach of relationship anarchy, coupled with my own recognition of the uniqueness of every single experience), what's so wrong about "friendzoning" someone?

[Mult]

4 hours ago, Lord Jade Cross said:

Unfortunately, alot of parents (and grandparents, and aunts and uncles), especially super religious ones are like talking to a steel wall reinforced with concrete. No amount of stubbornes or saying "Im not interested" will suffice, because their horse vision lets them "know" that you secretly want to but are too embarassed to admit it and they will push and they will push and they will push the issue over and over and over again

 

Best way to go about it is to piss them off about the subject to an unbelivable degree so they dont have the energy to ask again. Or failing that beccoming excedingly agressive. That will usually scare them away

I agree with this. Some people can't see past their own nose when it comes to this annoying topic. 

 

You have to show them that this topic is irritating and aggravating or they will continue to demand answers to "help" you. Shut it down and then give them the silent treatment when they bring it up again. 

 

No amount of "I'm not interested" will deter them. At since point, you need to swap to "stop asking. I've already told you I'm not interested. Stop pestering me." Then ignore them. They need to be shown that what they continue to do is wrong and you won't give them the attention they demand from you.

[Eutierria]

9 hours ago, CaittMarr said:

Should I change my strategy on answering to these questions?

If you've stated already (not that you owe anyone an explanation) & made your boundaries known, I can't currently think of anything else which may be within your scope of control.

 

I recently visited extended family who I haven't seen in a long time & was taken to one side & lectured about the importance of finding a partner - I appreciated their concern & stated that being lonely & being alone are distinctly different. I also gave them the example that I was previously in a 14.5yr relationship & feel happier now that I'm single. So unless someone comes along who can be a joyful addition to my life & not deplete me of energy/time/resources or replenish me when they do, I'm happier being single. 

 

I don't know if that helps your situation but it helped a family member to see it from my perspective. 

[Prince Candy]

I get this because my mom couldn't wrap her head around that I found every person on Earth as sexually attractive as a chair/wall/rock/dish/etc.

But I solved the problem when I entered a QPP with an asexual man. This alternative only works if you aren't romance-repulsed and/or otherwise against "dating" tho.

I'm demi/gray-romantic (only really feel romantic attraction when I know a person for like a year AND they touch me non-sexually for a prolonged amount of time (like holding hands or sleeping next to each other) I know specific af 😅) asexual for the record.

[AspieAlly613]

13 hours ago, CaittMarr said:

I honestly know in my heart that they are not, they are just super religious.

Is there any way to spin it as your being sexually reserved?  (An understatement, but maybe one they'll understand.)

[Lizzy95]

I would probably try the truth first. By saying you're not interested in dating and either changing the subject yourself or saying "can we talk about something else" afterwards. You could even go for something along these lines: "I really appreciate you caring about me, but whether or not I'm dating someone is my personal business. What about we talk about something else." Or if you do want to mention not being interested: "I really appreciate you caring about me, but I'm not interested in dating anyone. What about we talk about something else." 

[nanogretchen4]

I think if you have never done so it would be worthwhile having a serious conversation about this with them one time. I don't think you should come out to them or anything. I just think you should tell them that you genuinely do not like it when they start asking you about boys, to the point that it makes you not enjoy spending time with them. Maybe it is fun or funny to them, but not to you. So you really need them to stop doing it and help you find a topic of conversation that everyone can enjoy.

 

If they persist after that, they are deliberately bullying you. I really think if they won't stop you should skip the next family gathering and let your mother deliver the message that the reason you didn't come is because they refused to stop harassing you about your lovelife. Hopefully that will be a wakeup call and they will change their behavior. If not, sometimes it just isn't worth it to maintain a relationship with certain relatives.

[CaittMarr]

Thanks everyone for your messages. I think I am just going to do a combination of what everyone said and be direct on saying that it's not something I want to talk about nor and I interested in participating in. I am not one to stand my ground with family, but I think it's time that they know this isn't topic I want to continue talking about. 

Thanks everyone!