Realising you are asexual after getting married

[ConfusedandAnxious]

I'm a 30 year old woman, I have been married 3 years now. Before getting married I was in 2 serious relationships, and didn't have sex in either. Figured initially it was a "wait for marriage" inhibition. Just before I got married I noticed I wasn't too interested in sexual activity and always thought it might be low libido as a byproduct of my then depressive episode. It's something me and my husband had talked about but we always figured we'd work around it. But now 3 years in I haven't been able to have sex because I just cannot seem to feel any enjoyment in anything remotely sexual. I feel bad about it because I feel my partner is missing out. A couple of times I have tried to initiate sex while mildly intoxicated after a drink or two, hoping the alcohol takes my discomfort away, but it doesn't work and my partner finds it a bit inauthentic and uncomfortable to only engage with me in that state. Help, what is the best way to handle this? I feel like an awful wife. 

[D. Gadfly]

@ConfusedandAnxiousI've been in your exact situation before and am only just now starting to crawl out of it. Please know that your orientation is something that you can't outright control and it doesn't make you an awful wife. I felt the exact same way with my wife and I've been ashamed to be asexual for most of my life as well. The best way to handle this is between what you're comfortable giving and what he's comfortable not getting. If he's on the more accepting end and you're willing to sexually compromise you may have to do it to a certain frequency. Either way compromise on both ends is ideal if possible. Has your husband heard of asexuality before? It might be worth it to watch some short educational videos with him,

[FJO8]

Moved from QaA to Asexual relationships

 

FJO8

moderator for JFF and QaA

[just a ghost]

I can’t advise much other than to be honest with how you feel, both to yourself and your partner. Don’t compromise more than you’re really willing or feel comfortable with in the long term to try and make him feel better. I tried to do the same, where I thought maybe after I got married I at least would be somewhat able to do it, but recently it all came to a head and I just can’t. Putting off the honesty is just going to delay the emotional discomfort.

 

 Just know there’s nothing wrong with being ace and you shouldn’t feel like you need to give that part of yourself up if you don’t want to. I’m currently struggling to come to terms with it myself, what it really means in a mixed relationship. I wish you luck.

[Nonstop Reader]

I'm not in your situation, but it seems like you've been honest with your partner from the beginning. He knew you'd been in relationships before and hadn't had sex, and he decided to marry you knowing that. So while he may have been disappointed you didn't want sex after marriage, he also shouldn't have been too surprised. 

 

The important thing is not what you feel like you owe him, but what his needs are, and if those are being met. All marriages are about compromise. What do you feel like you can offer him, without making yourself overly uncomfortable, and what is the minimum that he feels like he needs from you? Maybe he would be happy with cuddling and kissing with you (assuming that isn't too much for you) and taking care of his sexual needs solo. Or any number of other possibilities. 

 

It will be a difficult conversation, more likely multiple conversations, but the key thing is having it. Unfortunately, putting it off doesn't make it any easier.