I feel like I have ruined my husbands life

[learning2bme]

60. Married 34 years. 4 grown kids. I'm retired, my husband will be soon. Our marriage has been quite wonderful except I have always struggled with sex. I did it because I thought that is what you do with the person you love. My husband is very sexual. It is for sure his love language. He has always tried to please me asking me what feels good etc. Well, not only does nothing feel good, I just want the session over with. Of course I never verbalized that!! Every so often I would visit therapists asking them to help me like or at least tolerate sex. No help there. A year and a half ago I started looking into what asexuality really meant. Once I broke down what "sexual attraction" meant I totally resonate with asexuality (probably aro, too). Once I figured it out...I felt liberated! I found me! I was/am not broken, just not a sexual being and that is OK. 

I came out to my husband about a year ago. He went through the grieving stages. I want a divorce but he wants to work on compromise. We are still doing things that make me terribly uncomfortable and resentful of him. I think he thinks that "sex" is intercourse, but I hate it all. He has been patient but he wants more. Its all just a big mess. In my mind, there is no way a healthy sexual man who really loves intimacy can be happy with what I want. Compromise isn't working for me. (He is not open to an open marriage). Just such opposites on this one topic, critical topic!! 

My son is getting married in a month. I don't want to stir the waters until it is over, but after, I need to set the boundaries that I want. That is so hard for me, i have always just done what will make him happy. I love him and want him to be happy, but I can no longer be so untrue to me. As much as he wants this marriage to work, I just don't think he can live with the boundaries that are right for me. I feel so guilty all of the time. I feel deceitful. I feel resentment towards him when he pursues me and sadness for me when I cave. 

I don't know if anyone has any words of wisdom? Thank you for reading my vent!

 

[Frogster]

17 minutes ago, learning2bme said:

60. Married 34 years. 4 grown kids. I'm retired, my husband will be soon. Our marriage has been quite wonderful except I have always struggled with sex. I did it because I thought that is what you do with the person you love. My husband is very sexual. It is for sure his love language. He has always tried to please me asking me what feels good etc. Well, not only does nothing feel good, I just want the session over with. Of course I never verbalized that!! Every so often I would visit therapists asking them to help me like or at least tolerate sex. No help there. A year and a half ago I started looking into what asexuality really meant. Once I broke down what "sexual attraction" meant I totally resonate with asexuality (probably aro, too). Once I figured it out...I felt liberated! I found me! I was/am not broken, just not a sexual being and that is OK. 

I came out to my husband about a year ago. He went through the grieving stages. I want a divorce but he wants to work on compromise. We are still doing things that make me terribly uncomfortable and resentful of him. I think he thinks that "sex" is intercourse, but I hate it all. He has been patient but he wants more. Its all just a big mess. In my mind, there is no way a healthy sexual man who really loves intimacy can be happy with what I want. Compromise isn't working for me. (He is not open to an open marriage). Just such opposites on this one topic, critical topic!! 

My son is getting married in a month. I don't want to stir the waters until it is over, but after, I need to set the boundaries that I want. That is so hard for me, i have always just done what will make him happy. I love him and want him to be happy, but I can no longer be so untrue to me. As much as he wants this marriage to work, I just don't think he can live with the boundaries that are right for me. I feel so guilty all of the time. I feel deceitful. I feel resentment towards him when he pursues me and sadness for me when I cave. 

I don't know if anyone has any words of wisdom? Thank you for reading my vent!

 

I don't have any words of wisdom but I sure do hear you and what you are saying really resonates with me. All I can offer is to say you are not alone and someone else is listening for answers to these issues. I am not married anymore but I still love someone who is sexual. At 69 I don't have answers.

[ei-hvað]

I compromised for a few months and that was unpleasant enough for me. Doing so for several decades would definitely make me resentful.

 

In a situation like this, no one is really ruining anyone's life. It's simply an unfortunate quirk of biology that you aren't compatible, and that means staying will probably just continue building up turmoil for both of you. I know I was much happier when out of a relationship where I "compromised" than inside of one. I truly don't think compromise is really possible between an allosexual and a sex-averse asexual. One or both of you is always going to leave feeling worse about yourself.

[Sally]

My words of wisdom are "do whatever will give you relief and peace."  That sounds like it could be making a relationship change after your son's marriage.  There is no good reason to continue doing something that makes you  miserable.

[MakesSenseNow]

I don't have any words of wisdom, sorry, but I noticed you said that your husband "is not open to open marriage".

To me, that implies that you've offered him a license to sleep with (an)other women, while staying married. His rejection of this idea, would to me, imply that he equates sex with love. Therefore, he loves you (he values loving you more than sex). Hence, I am definitely sure that you have not "ruined his life", as you so feel.

Hopefully, my outside view might lift some of your "guilt" that you say you feel.

That said, don't go the other way and feel you should do things/stay married, out of guilt over him loving you.

I hope you can both work things together, or at least stay friends. It sounds like you have, at the very least, a friendship worth keeping.

[nanogretchen4]

I don't think you have ruined your husband's life. You obviously didn't know you were asexual when you got married. You tried for so long to be okay with sex when you just weren't. You had so much unwanted sex to please your husband. Now that you are out your husband is being so ridiculous. He doesn't want an open marriage, he doesn't want a sexfree marriage, and he doesn't want divorce? Well, too bad! He doesn't get to ignore your basic bodily autonomy and demand that you continue to provide him with sexual services that you don't want. It hurts my heart to think that even after coming out to your husband you are doing things you are uncomfortable with.

 

If you want a divorce, divorce it must be. Who cares if your husband would prefer for you to continue living with him and sexually servicing him? Sure, wait one month until after the wedding, but if you have your own place already maybe you could sleep there in the meantime. At the very least, cut off all physical contact of any sort with your soon to be ex husband. Then after the wedding, file for divorce. Someone will serve him with the divorce papers and he will realize that if you want a divorce it is just not up to him.

[slywlf]

My deepest sympathy to you! I was with my husband a miserable 30 years, though thankfully no kids. I only discovered asexuality and its amazing collection of sublabels after I had been a widow almost 7 years, so I was lucky not to have to try to explain myself to him. On the other hand, while he was alive he was demanding, manipulative and devious when he wanted anal sex - which I hated even more than regular intercourse, and he never let up trying to convince my that I would get to like it after a while. Nope! Sounds like a major lack of communication - he simply doesn't want to hear therefore he doesn't.

 

One big thing though, as noted above - you didn't ruin his life - you had no idea why you felt and didn't feel the way you did, so no promises were deliberately broken. If anyone has ruined his life it is himself, refusing to accept your new status, and making himself into an adversary rather than an understanding friend.

 

OK, his language of love is physical, but if he truly loved you he would make the effort to see your side and either cease the pressure for sex or give you the divorce without a fight - then you might stand a chance of at least remaining friends. My husband would have been just like yours, but if I had, in fact, had the Ace revelation while he was alive I would have forced the divorce like it or not. You definitely need to start finding a place of your own ASAP so you can at least be out from under his roof while you get the divorce paperwork done.  

 

My apologies if some of this is sounds a bit harsh - I got a bit triggered and my own hurt is too close to the surface right now. I too felt broken for so many years, and the freedom and relief of discovering my labels happened too late to save me from my marriage, but I am doing so much better now. I hope you make your escape and find peace too, and soon! 

[MakesSenseNow]

On 8/8/2023 at 10:48 PM, MakesSenseNow said:

I don't have any words of wisdom, sorry, but I noticed you said that your husband "is not open to open marriage".

To me, that implies that you've offered him a license to sleep with (an)other women, while staying married. His rejection of this idea, would to me, imply that he equates sex with love. Therefore, he loves you (he values loving you more than sex). Hence, I am definitely sure that you have not "ruined his life", as you so feel.

Hopefully, my outside view might lift some of your "guilt" that you say you feel.

That said, don't go the other way and feel you should do things/stay married, out of guilt over him loving you.

I hope you can both work things together, or at least stay friends. It sounds like you have, at the very least, a friendship worth keeping.

Based on other people's replies, I just wanted to add something, as I might have misinterpreted the OP's original thoughts.

 

If you - or indeed anyone, in a relationship - are feeling manipulated or controlled, then cut-off all contact from that person. Easily said than done, I know. However, they will never change their behaviour. All that happens is that your mental & physical health suffers via one-sided compromises (when you give in to their demands, to keep the peace).

 

If one or both of you are unhappy in a platonic (or whatever boundaries OP has set) marriage, then neither of you will be happy. In such cases, an amicable divorce iwould appear best for both parties.

[jay williams]

Why wouldn't a person, who insists on having intercourse in some way or fashion, be a person considered inconsiderate, selfish and unreasonable if the partner finds the activity unenjoyable at best, and loathsome at worst?

What is the big deal about wanting intercourse anyway? Is there some kind of feeling of control involved? Does a man, unable to have intercourse, feel emasculated? Does a man feel he is entitled to have intercourse in order to feel some kind of essence of manliness?   

[LateBloomedLotus]

On 8/7/2023 at 6:53 PM, learning2bme said:

60. Married 34 years. 4 grown kids. I'm retired, my husband will be soon. Our marriage has been quite wonderful except I have always struggled with sex. I did it because I thought that is what you do with the person you love. My husband is very sexual. It is for sure his love language. He has always tried to please me asking me what feels good etc. Well, not only does nothing feel good, I just want the session over with. Of course I never verbalized that!! Every so often I would visit therapists asking them to help me like or at least tolerate sex. No help there. A year and a half ago I started looking into what asexuality really meant. Once I broke down what "sexual attraction" meant I totally resonate with asexuality (probably aro, too). Once I figured it out...I felt liberated! I found me! I was/am not broken, just not a sexual being and that is OK. 

I came out to my husband about a year ago. He went through the grieving stages. I want a divorce but he wants to work on compromise. We are still doing things that make me terribly uncomfortable and resentful of him. I think he thinks that "sex" is intercourse, but I hate it all. He has been patient but he wants more. Its all just a big mess. In my mind, there is no way a healthy sexual man who really loves intimacy can be happy with what I want. Compromise isn't working for me. (He is not open to an open marriage). Just such opposites on this one topic, critical topic!! 

My son is getting married in a month. I don't want to stir the waters until it is over, but after, I need to set the boundaries that I want. That is so hard for me, i have always just done what will make him happy. I love him and want him to be happy, but I can no longer be so untrue to me. As much as he wants this marriage to work, I just don't think he can live with the boundaries that are right for me. I feel so guilty all of the time. I feel deceitful. I feel resentment towards him when he pursues me and sadness for me when I cave. 

I don't know if anyone has any words of wisdom? Thank you for reading my vent!

 

Hello, I am also a recently discovered asexual, but I think I might have some advice here, as I am going through a divorce for pretty much the same reason you are wanting one, only I wanted the marriage to continue, and my wife doesn't, because she feels like I can't meet her needs in the bedroom due to my sexuality, which as hard as I want to try, I don't think my libido will ever match hers due to mine being quell-able with self-pleasure, and just generally not even wanting to do anything sexual.

 

I think it is important for you to set your boundaries. If he cannot or will not meet them, and no compromise can happen, then it might be best to end the marriage, honestly. You should give him the link to this website and have him read up on your sexuality, and if he can't fully accept it, it might be best for you two to just remain friends, if that is possible in your situation. Sure, it is going to be painful to end such a long relationship, but if you are unhappy, then he can never truly be happy in the relationship, too. Especially if he spends the rest of your lives trying to find something that can sexually please you. He needs to find someone that he can please in bed, especially if sex is his love language. It was the love language of my ex-wife, too, and I am starting to think that asexual people and people who have sex as a love language are very incompatible. Even with myself, as someone who doesn't mind doing it, can't have a high enough libido to satisfy someone like that. As much as it might hurt, it would probably be better for everyone in the long run, including your kids. Them seeing you and your husband happy will be more fulfilling than them seeing you two in an unhappy marriage.

 

This is, however, a decision you have to make. I don't want to push you into changing your life so drastically if it isn't something you are comfortable with doing. I would, again, strongly suggest sitting down with your husband and having some serious conversations about boundaries and your sexuality. Maybe even try marriage counseling to see if the counselor can help mediate and assist him on coming to terms with everything, and see if that helps you in setting up stern boundaries in your relationship. I would also suggest revisiting the open marriage thing, if divorce is something you are wanting to avoid. Let him know that you are totally fine with him seeking sexual pleasure with someone else, and set boundaries up there, too, if things go in a way that he might become open to the idea.

[learning2bme]

On 8/10/2023 at 12:57 PM, LateBloomedLotus said:

I think it is important for you to set your boundaries. If he cannot or will not meet them, and no compromise can happen, then it might be best to end the marriage, honestly. You should give him the link to this website and have him read up on your sexuality,

Thank you so very much for sharing your insight and your situation. We have had several discussions over the past year, but asexuality, sex repulsion is complicated. I set boundaries and he has tried to comply. I appreciate his efforts! But I have learned that my original boundaries were too loose for me as I am still very uncomfortable.  I do think he read up, a little, on what ace means. But I think he believes this is a phase. I definitely need to set new boundaries. And that might be a deal breaker for him. 

I love my husband and want him to be happy. I think about how happy he could be if he could have someone in his life who could appreciate and reciprocate his love language. I would love to be friends if he would be open to it. I guess one thing I don't understand about an open marriage is that for my husband sex is flirting, language, foreplay, relationship etc. The act is a culmination of all of that. So he would have to have a fun, flirtatious relationship with someone to have a satisfying sex life. I'm not sure how that would work. But I'm not opposed to bringing it up again.

Thank you again for your reply. It has helped me. I'm sorry for what you are going through as well. Man, this is hard!

 

[learning2bme]

On 8/8/2023 at 5:48 PM, MakesSenseNow said:

 

To me, that implies that you've offered him a license to sleep with (an)other women, while staying married. His rejection of this idea, would to me, imply that he equates sex with love. 

 

That said, don't go the other way and feel you should do things/stay married, out of guilt over him loving you.

 

We did discuss open marriage a little. He absolutely equates sex with love. He loves me very much. I'm sure it hurts him when I can't "make love" with him. I explained to him that I show love by packing his lunch everyday, bringing him his coffee, buying him nice sneakers etc ..that's my love making. 

Staying married out of guilt over him loving you... interesting. I think that's where I'm stuck. But that certainly isn't good for either of us. Thank you very much for your reply. 

[learning2bme]

On 8/9/2023 at 4:58 AM, nanogretchen4 said:

It hurts my heart to think that even after coming out to your husband you are doing things you are uncomfortable with.

 

If you want a divorce, divorce it must be. 

Thank you for your perspective and fire! I say that with a smile/chuckle. I'm not exactly a weak woman, but I am terribly non- confrontational and I send mix signals. So it's not all on him. That being said, I do think he pushes a little knowing I'm a bit of a push over...that was hard to write. 🤔

[learning2bme]

On 8/9/2023 at 11:28 PM, slywlf said:

 

One big thing though, as noted above - you didn't ruin his life 

 

My apologies if some of this is sounds a bit harsh - I got a bit triggered and my own hurt is too close to the surface right now.

Thank you so much for your reply and "stern" words...I need directness!! Instead of saying I ruined his life, I guess I should have said I have squelched our perceptions of the future...growing old together as a happily married couple. I have had a separate bedroom for a couple of years and that is helpful. 

I am sorry you were triggered. I wish you peace...and me too!!

[tragiclover]

On 8/7/2023 at 4:53 PM, learning2bme said:

60. Married 34 years. 4 grown kids. I'm retired, my husband will be soon. Our marriage has been quite wonderful except I have always struggled with sex. I did it because I thought that is what you do with the person you love. My husband is very sexual. It is for sure his love language. He has always tried to please me asking me what feels good etc. Well, not only does nothing feel good, I just want the session over with. Of course I never verbalized that!! Every so often I would visit therapists asking them to help me like or at least tolerate sex. No help there. A year and a half ago I started looking into what asexuality really meant. Once I broke down what "sexual attraction" meant I totally resonate with asexuality (probably aro, too). Once I figured it out...I felt liberated! I found me! I was/am not broken, just not a sexual being and that is OK. 

I came out to my husband about a year ago. He went through the grieving stages. I want a divorce but he wants to work on compromise. We are still doing things that make me terribly uncomfortable and resentful of him. I think he thinks that "sex" is intercourse, but I hate it all. He has been patient but he wants more. Its all just a big mess. In my mind, there is no way a healthy sexual man who really loves intimacy can be happy with what I want. Compromise isn't working for me. (He is not open to an open marriage). Just such opposites on this one topic, critical topic!! 

My son is getting married in a month. I don't want to stir the waters until it is over, but after, I need to set the boundaries that I want. That is so hard for me, i have always just done what will make him happy. I love him and want him to be happy, but I can no longer be so untrue to me. As much as he wants this marriage to work, I just don't think he can live with the boundaries that are right for me. I feel so guilty all of the time. I feel deceitful. I feel resentment towards him when he pursues me and sadness for me when I cave. 

I don't know if anyone has any words of wisdom? Thank you for reading my vent!

 

This is so much my story, only I'm like your husband. I'm glad you found yourself and your own identity and you are standing up for yourself. It must be a very freeing thing. We lived for so many years with this dark ambiguity of what the hell is going on with us.  Several years ago after I learned about asexuality, I stopped initiating anything with her. I let it be her choice if she wanted anything at all. And she initiates now, but keeps it very limited. She knows I would stop, but she has decided to do this for our marriage I guess. She won't talk about it. I want more, I'll always want more. I'm still very sexual no matter how much I've hoped and prayed for that to go away as I got older. I think even if I couldn't have sex anymore I'd still want the physical intimacy that she doesn't want. But is it worth something like a divorce after all this time? If you need to stop, stop, and let him decide what he can deal with. What would I do if my wife told me that? I don't want to leave her. Zero sex could well be a breaking point for me. I'd possibly try the open marriage thing, but I doubt that's an option she's consider. Most likely she'll reach a stopping point, and I'll carry on the rest of my life, feeling depressed and deprived, but maybe it will matter less over time.

[learning2bme]

On 8/15/2023 at 12:53 PM, tragiclover said:

Most likely she'll reach a stopping point, and I'll carry on the rest of my life, feeling depressed and deprived, but maybe it will matter less over time.

Thank you so much for sharing. It really is an unfair situation for all. You sound kind and understanding. I truly think my husband craves that feeling of being desired. His sexual appetite seems to grow as he ages🤷. I think my plan is to set the boundaries I need and see what happens. I don't want him to settle . My biggest fear is your last sentence. Even if that's not how he feels, I'm not sure I can live with the guilt. This whole thing is so terribly unfair to him. Ugh!!!

[tragiclover]

16 hours ago, learning2bme said:

Thank you so much for sharing. It really is an unfair situation for all. You sound kind and understanding. I truly think my husband craves that feeling of being desired. His sexual appetite seems to grow as he ages🤷. I think my plan is to set the boundaries I need and see what happens. I don't want him to settle . My biggest fear is your last sentence. Even if that's not how he feels, I'm not sure I can live with the guilt. This whole thing is so terribly unfair to him. Ugh!!!

Thank you, I try to do my best with this.

If you set new boundaries, please try to explain to him why you are doing it and that it isn't something he did wrong that caused it. Every time my wife set new limits, I never knew why. It left me wondering what kind of terrible thing had I done to make her reject my love. It's like someone suddenly stops speaking to you and never says why. You come up with all kinds of reasons when the reality is that they never really liked talking and it has nothing to do with you.
 

[SilverDove]

Learning to be me, we have the exact same situation. At 62, I have discovered that I am not broken or somehow damaged—I’m asexual! My lifelong issues with not liking sex, not feeling like a sexual person, not understanding why everyone else seemed to love it—all explained. My very sexual husband, whose love language is physical touch, is understandably devastated and very frustrated with the situation. He needs to feel desired—to him, if I love him, I should want to make him feel that love through sexual contact. He, too, is wanting to “compromise,” but there’s no way he would be happy with what I would be comfortable with, which is no sex. 
 

I feel awful that I inadvertently deceived my husband. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, if that makes sense, and now that I know, I’m just really not able to summon whatever is needed to make me try sexual contact again. I have had enough of that and don’t want it ever again. He thinks I should be able to “go there” because I love him and it’s important to him, but I cannot. I seem to have reached the point where my feelings are outweighing his in my mind and that’s a new situation. 
 

Since it’s been a few months since you posted this, I wonder if you might share an update? I’d like to know how things worked out for you, if there was in fact a compromise that you could find. Thanks. 

 

[jay williams]

I sort of bristle, when I see regrets expressed by people who believe they have let-down their partner, because of their lack of zeal for genital contact. Why is it that the asexual has to apologize, and do lots of hand-wringing and self-flagellation for not being in the mood for an exchange of body fluids? Why can't the sexual respect the asexual who has no loving feelings for getting laid? Why wouldn't (and why shouldn't) the sexual respect that an asexual experiences fu*king as loathsome?     

[taikavinh]

In the sameish boat - though I'm a bit younger (46), and have two teenagers. Here's my experience so far:

When I finally realized I wasn't broken but asexual (about two years ago) and came out to my husband (about a year ago) he was bitter because he thought I had deceived or mislead him on purpose. At the time he didn't seem to get it how it was possible to not know one's sexual orientation for certain (I wonder how it feels like to be so sure!), he thought I just had some sort of problem (maybe psychological) that I needed to fix. I think he's starting to get it now, I know he's been reading about asexuality. We're separating as soon as it is financially possible (a bit trapped right now), and in the meanwhile we're living as roommates. We've grown apart because of many reasons, not just my asexuality, and I'm pretty certain we're both going to be happier apart. I've also said that it's totally ok for me if he wants to pursue relationships (of whatever kind) in the meanwhile.

 

Regarding the regrets and apologies, I think the urge to apologize is a very deep-seated one that comes from decades of feeling we aces are somehow broken. Decades of entertainment and media showing us how "healthy sexuality" should look like, and not fitting into that image. And speaking as a woman, we're also taught to be the compromising ones, the ones that shouldn't take up space or be "heads of the family" or such. Also, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but there's the income imbalance to think of: it makes the relationship unequal too, and maybe the urge to apologize at least partly stems from that, like its some sort of transactional thing - "you provide for livelihood, I provide for your personal comfort" sort of thing. These are slow things to change.

[jay williams]

There should be a time when a person does not have to apologize for their sexual feelings, no more than having to apologize for loving cilantro or the color purple.

[Sally]

And asexuals are no more ruining their sexual partners' lives than the sexual partners are ruining asexuals' lives by wanting/expecting sex.  If someone feels their life is being ruined, they should leave the relationship.  

[latchkeykid]

I know this is an oldish thread, and not sure if the OP is still active, but reading all the posts has been very enlightening, thought provoking and confusing. I am a 60yo widower. I don't know where my sa asexuality came from, but probably rooted in my sexual abuse from 8 to 16.  I know my wife didn't understand my lack of interest in intercourse. When we first met I think she found it very strange that a romantic evening, or just a fun date wasn't made perfect by intercourse. That never changed for me. The overwhelming pleasure of riding horses together, or cycling to the beech, or gardening or cooking a meal together was just such a complete experience for me. I loved to be physically close, falling asleep in her arms was my multiple orgasm I guess 😂. She could never understand that, and I can understand her point of view. So for years I would emotionally dissociate and do the act. I probably faked 90% of my orgasms. I felt ashamed, and felt like I was cheating on her. I could never explain to her how she was the love of my life, but I just didn't need sex to prove it. She was convinced I was cheating, and having sex with someone else, and that proved a very difficult time. I haven't had sex since her death 11 years ago and have never wanted to. I have dated twice, and both times it was easier to let them think I couldn't have sex rather than I have no interest in sex, and just let it end. One even gave me a packet of blue chew! I miss my emotional relationship with my wife, and would have been way more than happy to have an open marriage with her, but again she saw that as a rejection of her by me. 

At the end of the day, I really don't understand my sexuality, I just know how it feels, so I can't expect others who don't experience it to understand it. That would just make life too easy!

[Jem75]

Hi. I just joined. I am soon to be 67 and am just coming to grips with my asexuality. I have been married for 26 years to a man with a Jekyl and Hyde personality: sometimes super sweet and wonderful and other times verbally and emotionally abusive. Frankly, although I find my husband physically and intellectually attractive, I have never been truly attracted to him sexually. I have been going through the motions in bed all this time, hoping I could fulfill his expectations of me, as he thinks it is my wifely duty to be emotionally and physically involved sexually with him. As I have aged, I have developed physical issues which make sex extremely painful to boot. I understand that my husband is extremely frustrated by this situation and I feel extremely bad about that. He has become coercive, vindictive and threatening at times. It is a complicated situation as there is a lot invested in this relationship and our living situation. I am really at a loss right now. ….

[everywhere and nowhere]

On 8/13/2023 at 3:37 AM, learning2bme said:

We did discuss open marriage a little. He absolutely equates sex with love. He loves me very much.

So how can he expect you to do things which you dislike so much? How could anyone want to make their loved one suffer? He seems completely unablem to put himself in someone else's shoes and realise that this (to him) oh so wonderful sex might be only unpleasant and uncomfortable and disgusting to someone else.

On 6/20/2024 at 6:45 AM, Sally said:

And asexuals are no more ruining their sexual partners' lives than the sexual partners are ruining asexuals' lives by wanting/expecting sex.  If someone feels their life is being ruined, they should leave the relationship.  

This is it. If he doesn't want a divorce - therefore, he still wants to stay with you - you can at least know for sure that you haven't ruined his life. Unfortunately, it seems that he has ruined yours.

[uhtred]

On 9/2/2024 at 8:33 PM, Jem75 said:

Hi. I just joined. I am soon to be 67 and am just coming to grips with my asexuality. I have been married for 26 years to a man with a Jekyl and Hyde personality: sometimes super sweet and wonderful and other times verbally and emotionally abusive. Frankly, although I find my husband physically and intellectually attractive, I have never been truly attracted to him sexually. I have been going through the motions in bed all this time, hoping I could fulfill his expectations of me, as he thinks it is my wifely duty to be emotionally and physically involved sexually with him. As I have aged, I have developed physical issues which make sex extremely painful to boot. I understand that my husband is extremely frustrated by this situation and I feel extremely bad about that. He has become coercive, vindictive and threatening at times. It is a complicated situation as there is a lot invested in this relationship and our living situation. I am really at a loss right now. ….

It is OK for him to *want* sex, but absolutely not OK for him to be "coercive, vindictive and threatening" . That sort of behavior is totally unacceptable (and I say that as a sexual male married to an asexual wife, and often frustrated).

If he were simply frustrated, I might suggest that you think about whether there are sexual activities you find physically and mentally acceptable, and which he enjoys, but that isn't the situation here at all.   He is being abusive - its that simple.  It also sounds like that abuse is not just about sex  "other times verbally and emotionally abusive"

 

Does your financial situation make it possible for you to leave?

 

feel free to PM

 

 

[learning2bme]

On 6/13/2024 at 12:37 PM, SilverDove said:

Learning to be me, we have the exact same situation. At 62, I have discovered that I am not broken or somehow damaged—I’m asexual! My lifelong issues with not liking sex, not feeling like a sexual person, not understanding why everyone else seemed to love it—all explained. My very sexual husband, whose love language is physical touch, is understandably devastated and very frustrated with the situation. He needs to feel desired—to him, if I love him, I should want to make him feel that love through sexual contact. He, too, is wanting to “compromise,” but there’s no way he would be happy with what I would be comfortable with, which is no sex. 
 

I feel awful that I inadvertently deceived my husband. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, if that makes sense, and now that I know, I’m just really not able to summon whatever is needed to make me try sexual contact again. I have had enough of that and don’t want it ever again. He thinks I should be able to “go there” because I love him and it’s important to him, but I cannot. I seem to have reached the point where my feelings are outweighing his in my mind and that’s a new situation. 
 

Since it’s been a few months since you posted this, I wonder if you might share an update? I’d like to know how things worked out for you, if there was in fact a compromise that you could find. Thanks. 

 

I'm not very good at navigating in this forum. I just saw this. I haven't been in here much because I'm really struggling right now. I was reading your words and I kept checking to see if I wrote this. You absolutely wrote my situation. In January I left the home. We tried compromise, but like you said now that I know I'm not broken I just can't do sexual stuff anymore. It's just not ok for me. He was shocked that I left even though I told him I was preparing to leave. 

The first night in my apartment was so liberating. I knew I was free from sex. But the kicker is, I still like and love my husband. He has been so kind (once the shock wore off). I think he thinks I will come to my senses and come "home". I have tried to have the divorce conversation but every time I try to broach the subject I chicken out. It's tearing me up because now I feel guilty for ... I don't know, I just feel guilty. We have 4 kids and have had several family gatherings and so we see each other other often. 

I'm not sure how I can help you ..but if you want to ask questions or chat you can message me. It's a really sucky situation to be in. 

[Shesnotreadytotalkaboutit]

I feel less alone after reading this thread. 

On 9/21/2024 at 7:39 PM, learning2bme said:

You absolutely wrote my situation.

My wife and I have been married for almost 30yrs. We have 4 almost grown children. I am the man who feels like a monster. I need to figure out a way to get my wife to this forum to read and learn that she is just a different normal than she expected. We have a good partnership. We manage the household and the kids well together. We've become financially stable. In about a year our last kid will "fly the nest" and we will be left staring at each other. We exist in parallel as it is. She expresses unfairness that I would sleep in a different room or different bed. I can't do sleep in the same bed without reaching out. Sometimes I hold her hand when she's asleep for a few minutes to pretend we are like we used to be, but the truth is we never were like that, she pretended and she is an incredible actor motivated by love, but not interest or attraction. Is there an amicable divorce? Do people remain friends and keep their kids OK while moving on to hopefully happy relationships? Can it be done without ruining the retirement security we've both worked hard to build? I'm sorry for your situation and also relieved that I'm not the only one in it. When I first started reading your post I paused for a minute to consider if you might be my wife posting, but I don't think she has come to grips with herself like you have. 

[DuckDuckGrace]

I see the biggest factor in all of this is timing. You are done having kids, and it sounds like sex isn't fun for you (and maybe it never was). Hubbie needs it. You seem like a very smart woman, and you must be very resilient to have made it this far in the marriage. I trust you know what's best for everyone involved. 

[Rembrandt Jones]

I am not asexual but I am married to an asexual woman who is fifty five, I'm 73. She explained to me at the end of January that she was pretty sure she was somewhere on the Ace spectrum. Her words. I am a bit uneasy writing this response for fear of coming across as an alloseual interloper. I apologize if people see it this way. On my wife's advice I regularly check out these forums to help me better understand what I cannot understand but only respect and learn from. That's all I wanted say.