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Advice needed - telling husband that I believe I'm asexual


growingpains

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Over the past few years my husband and I have believed that my lack of sexual desire was medical, recently I have come to believe that I am asexual. My "lack" of desire for sexual things has NEVER been there. I had sex as a teenager because it was normal and I thought it's what I wanted and more than anything I kept doing it because I didn't know if I just hadn't "bloomed" or has sex enough to like it, or if I really had no interest. After many years of confusion it dawned on me that there was a sexual category (although largely untalked about) that I fit into.

Now the problem is, how do I go about telling my (sexual) husband that I think I'm asexual? He is aware of a problem, but I'm concerned that he will take it badly now that it has a name, and now that I know that I don't want to and cannot "fix" it.

Help, advice, personal accounts? I'm going to tell him whether he takes it well or not. It's not something that can go unsaid.

Thank you

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i've never been in your situation, but i'd say one thing is just that it's important to make sure that you make it clear that sex ITSELF is what you don't like, not specifically just sex with HIM. that's about the best i can do.

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i've never been in your situation, but i'd say one thing is just that it's important to make sure that you make it clear that sex ITSELF is what you don't like, not specifically just sex with HIM. that's about the best i can do.

Yeah, we've already talked about the fact that it's just sex and not him. He still struggles with it sometimes and I can understand how he can feel kindof confused about it. It's a slow and steady process but I know in the back of his head he just thinks there is something wrong with me and I'll get over it or get fixed or one day POOF he'll figure out what turns me on. This just isn't the case. I just don't know how he'll react to the word Asexual... I'm sure it'll be fine because he already knows I don't like sex, he just didn't know it'd be forever! :oops: But now that I know, I need to pass on that to him so we can accept it together. I know our marriage is based on more than that, but I also know that to most people sex is a large part of a romantic relationship. I choose my words fairly carefully with him and make sure he knows that it's physical intercourse, not him or showing affection to him, that I don't enjoy. After all, I still like making him squirm :wink: - even if I don't enjoy it for the same reasons or in the same way that he does! (sorry if that's too much info)

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i guess if you can sort of compromise (of all people on this site, never worry that anything's going to shock me or be TMI (too much info). if you see the books i read on my profile, they'd make about anybody's stomach turn (and here i am, some 27 year old guy who's never had sex at all, reading kathy acker and bill burroughs, the vilest writers i can think of...)

i guess it's good to know that the relationship stands on a firmer foundation than most. it might just take time, but i'm wishing the best for you two.

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  • 5 weeks later...

I told my girlfriend after we had done certain sexual acts (not penetration) and she had guessed that something was up and I was simply going through the motions; first of all I explained what asexuality was to her and then I asked her how she would feel if I were asexual, this generally told me whether it would be a positive response or not. Once I got a positive response I knew that I could tell her.

Hope I helped

Scott 8)

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BleedingThrough
Maybe you could show him this site. Seeing other people's testimony might help him understand

I agree. He should see this site and forum. That way he can understand more about it and that it's not "just a phase".

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