AliceInWonderland Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 I just need to share, so here goes. I talked to my husband day before yesterday about his thoughts on his being asexual or not. I made him sit down and talk and wouldn't take, "no" for an answer! He still says he doesn't know if he wants to have sex or not, so I asked him if he thought it would be fair to make me wait and after a pause, his reply was no. Then, yesterday he told me again that he's not sure, but he might like sex, but, etc. So, I said to him, "That's the difference between us, I know I want to, and I know I want to do it right away whenever I think of it. I'm sure of it, but you're not. That's an issue." Then, he talked about all of the issues he's going through right now - they are major, I thought. He said that, "....on top of that, I'm sitting here talking about the possibility of losing my wife". At this point, he's talking to me about what it will be like for me to be without him. He keeps showing me how to do things that I'll need to know when he's no longer around. He told me yesterday (jokingly in his mind, I guess) that he was about to go on a date with his new girlfriend to have sex. So, I said that I'd be highly insulted if he did that because I've wanted to have sex with him for years and wasn't allowed to. Then, he said, "Well, you don't want to wait for me." He keeps referring to the man I'll have in my life when he's no longer around as Dick. This is sort of depressing me, but I think there must be someone better out there for both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Jean Grey Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 This is sort of depressing me, but I think there must be someone better out there for both of us. I think you're right! You both seem to be totally unwilling to compromise (not that there's anything wrong with that, if you can't you can't) and end up hurting each other in the process. Link to post Share on other sites
Bethsheba Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 Take this with a giant grain of salt, but here are my 2 cents: It sounds to me that your husband is lashing out at you and trying to hurt you, in a passive-aggressive fashion. It sounds like no one is willing to compromise. You don't have much to work with, it seems to me. :( Link to post Share on other sites
mindlife Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 I don't think this relationship is a going proposal. I'm also concerned about his identity. Asexuals, generally, don't want to hurt the people with whom they are in relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
AliceInWonderland Posted September 24, 2007 Author Share Posted September 24, 2007 I don't think this relationship is a going proposal.I'm also concerned about his identity. Asexuals, generally, don't want to hurt the people with whom they are in relationships. Thanks for all of your posts. Mindlife, I don't understand about your being concerned abou his identity. Perhaps, you think he might not be asexual? Please let me know what you mean. I truly don't think he wants to hurt me, but I don't think he really knows how to handle everything that's going on with us right now. I have been supportive of his other issues not related to this and he has been supportive of me too in other ways besides sex. But, I believe the other issues are what made us manifest our true selves (him an asexual, me a sexual). It's also due partly to my feeling much better since I got over a long-term illness I had recently, I believe. I thought sex would relax him and boost his ego - he needed the ego boost. Instead, he thought I was terrible for wanting sex at such a bad time. I maybe could have relaxed a little and let him come to his own conclusions in time and get a little more comfortable with himself after he realized that he's asexual, but I thought I might be waiting forever if I did that. I mean I've already waited for years, and he still tells me sometimes that he's not sure. I hope I'm looking at everything the way I should be. Thanks for letting me "talk". Link to post Share on other sites
Chiaroscuro Posted September 24, 2007 Share Posted September 24, 2007 Alice, my wife is non-sexual, and she doesn't want to divorce either. Why would she? In her mind, our relationship is exactly right. We're friends, we love one another, we are kind to one another (mostly :) ), we run a smooth ship. What could be missing? It's all perfect! So to her mind, I'm the one rocking the boat. I'm willing to wreck this perfect relationship, with all of its attendant advantages in finances, stability, etc... just to satisfy a stupid "urge" of mine. She resents me for abandoning her, and I resent her unfairness, and "forcing" me into this awful position. Those feelings are understandable. If your husband's acting out in childish ways because of his feelings, you can't stop him. You have to do what's right, regardless of his distractions. My wife often "jokes" with me in similar ways about how I don't love her, or how I'm leaving her, so x doesn't matter... It's unfortunate, but divorce can get very ugly. Hopefully you can be the adult, and help keep yours (if it comes to that), from getting out of hand. Good luck, Chiaroscuro Link to post Share on other sites
Tool1989 Posted September 24, 2007 Share Posted September 24, 2007 He is obviously uncomfortable and it may get to the point that if he feels that you want to break up with him, then he will first (he doesn't want to be the one who is dumped, it's kinda like a matter of ego). Just stick with him and assure him that you won't leave him. But also tell him that he hurt you when he said he was dating another girl and be honest with him. I sincerely believe you can work this out, but it may take hours to reach a compromise. Don't avoid it and try to make it work. Link to post Share on other sites
AliceInWonderland Posted September 25, 2007 Author Share Posted September 25, 2007 Alice, my wife is non-sexual, and she doesn't want to divorce either. Why would she? In her mind, our relationship is exactly right. We're friends, we love one another, we are kind to one another (mostly :) ), we run a smooth ship. What could be missing? It's all perfect!So to her mind, I'm the one rocking the boat. I'm willing to wreck this perfect relationship, with all of its attendant advantages in finances, stability, etc... just to satisfy a stupid "urge" of mine. She resents me for abandoning her, and I resent her unfairness, and "forcing" me into this awful position. Those feelings are understandable. If your husband's acting out in childish ways because of his feelings, you can't stop him. You have to do what's right, regardless of his distractions. My wife often "jokes" with me in similar ways about how I don't love her, or how I'm leaving her, so x doesn't matter... It's unfortunate, but divorce can get very ugly. Hopefully you can be the adult, and help keep yours (if it comes to that), from getting out of hand. Good luck, Chiaroscuro Thanks for understanding, Chiaroscuro. It sounds like you can relate. As for finances, that is the issue my husband has brought up several times whenever I've talked about us going our own separate ways, that we'd be better off together. He has also said that he doesn't understand why sex has to be involved in a relationship. Afterall, we all have friends and don't feel a need to have sex with them. I told him that's different. I don't think he understands. Link to post Share on other sites
Chiaroscuro Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 Afterall, we all have friends and don't feel a need to have sex with them. I told him that's different. I don't think he understands. Ha ha! Thats a classic. Ask him if he minds you having sex with your friends and see if he sees the difference then :) -Chiaroscuro Link to post Share on other sites
mindlife Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 I think that what your husband must do, now that he's identified himself as asexual, is understand that his relationship with you is not a friendship. It goes deeper, and he must provide the emotional space for that. He must learn to speak to you of his whole self. He must show you some terms of intimacy. That is, those terms of intimacy unique to him. This might mean, cooking together or just nesting in bed for a while. Intimacy isn't something that pre-exists. It's a sort of dialogue people create. Link to post Share on other sites
pupsbabygirl Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 Afterall, we all have friends and don't feel a need to have sex with them. I told him that's different. I don't think he understands. Ha ha! Thats a classic. Ask him if he minds you having sex with your friends and see if he sees the difference then :) -Chiaroscuro hahahaxD yeah yeah... Link to post Share on other sites
nzraven Posted November 3, 2007 Share Posted November 3, 2007 I can relate. My husband doesn't want intimacy with me, but when it has gotten so bad that we have discussed separating or the concept of me seeing other men...he can't handle it. He doesn't want me sexually but doesn't want any other man to be with me either. We are still together, we have tried counselling, I love him with all my heart and he loves me...so where do you go from here. It hurts to stay...it hurts to go...I guess you have to go with whatever hurts less. Link to post Share on other sites
Chiaroscuro Posted November 5, 2007 Share Posted November 5, 2007 We are still together, we have tried counselling, I love him with all my heart and he loves me...so where do you go from here. It hurts to stay...it hurts to go...I guess you have to go with whatever hurts less. That is the bind so many of us face, nzraven. You're not alone. For me, it was comforting to come to the realization that there IS no good, or right, answer, there's only what you feel you can live with (as you say "whatever hurts less"). hugs, -Chiaroscuro Link to post Share on other sites
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