Is thier a way to be less triggering?

[Reindeer]

So my general calm quiet demeanor is deeply triggering to some people. However, it's also very calming to others in most reguards. I learned to be this way because I grew up in a lot of chaos and had to essentially therapist, watch over and take care of everyone from a young age. At 18 I was able to safely evacuate everyone from the house while my father had a mental break down and tried to end himself, asking me to assist(I told him I couldn't help him). Yet this demeanor has always triggered my mother who is Bipolar and that is why when I was younger she stated she had to abuse me. I was making her do it. Now I can not say so long to my grandfather because of it and I feel like it's unfair to him. How do I make myself less triggering? 

[CincinnatiAsexual]

I don't know that I have a lot of advice, but I can relate. I identify as being on the autism spectrum, and growing up it was very stressful for me living in a big family and having personalities clash. As a result, I am always an advocate for thinking in a rational and calm manner. It annoys my wife sometimes,  but she benefits from it when she is stressed.

 

I don't believe that you need to change your behavior. You did not cause the tumultuous situations your family experienced. I'm sure everyone had a reaction to it. You are doing your best to react in a healthy way, and I think the others in your family should attempt the same.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

That's rough .. thank you for sharing in any case @Reindeer

Maybe this thread would be better in tea and sympathy? though really up to you.

 

I think maybe if you focus on becoming more happy, you can just do your own thing and maybe even that vibe will be enough to make others more comfortable? Like how smiling can make someone feel things are ok, softer.

That said people can get triggered for different things, so you can only do so much, which is why i think focusing on your own happiness is good anyway..

[Monke Jimmy]

I have a suspicion that you're misusing the term "triggering," but regardless, even if your demeanor makes people break down you can't change the way you carry yourself. You can be less triggering by being careful what you say or not touching people, but some things are out of your control. 

[Lilibulero]

What a hard time you've had, and it's a credit to you that you remain so calm.

 

I would have thought that nobody could be triggered by a calm person in a crisis, but rather, you'd be an asset.

 

Looking on it as a superpower, from this angle. 🍰

 

 

 

[nanogretchen4]

Your mother did not have to abuse you.

 

No child is ever at fault for abuse inflicted on them by adults. 

 

There is no excuse, ever, for an adult to abuse a child. That includes mental illness. If your mother cannot control her behavior well enough not to harm or endanger other people she may need to be an inpatient until that situation changes. 

 

I don't think there is anything you can do that will guarantee that your mother will not lie and claim that her actions are somehow your fault. You are not "triggering" her. She has just gotten into the habit of blaming you for her choices. 

[Reindeer]

1 hour ago, Monke Jimmy said:

I have a suspicion that you're misusing the term "triggering," but regardless, even if your demeanor makes people break down you can't change the way you carry yourself. You can be less triggering by being careful what you say or not touching people, but some things are out of your control. 

Trigger is actions that cuase a reaction. Often used in when discussing medical or mental illness. People with bipolorism are often triggered by their fear of abandonment. 

[Ollie415]

3 hours ago, Reindeer said:

when I was younger she stated she had to abuse me. I was making her do it.

You do know that this isn't true, right?

 

She gaslighted you.

 

Anyway, you are not responsible for, and cannot control, other people's feelings and reactions. This isn't something you're doing to them.

 

I can understand that you might want to learn to avoid their abuse and other unfortunate behaviors which are negative for you. And there's nothing wrong with that. It makes sense and everyone should have the agency to control their own environment (if not the people in it). But the way to achieve this is not to manipulate other people into reacting a certain way. The way to achieve that is not to imagine that your control over their thoughts and feelings is what will change their actions to those you want.

[Old Maid Librarian]

It sounds like you learned to be "the calm rational one" in your family because someone had to be. I can sort of relate because I was the only child of parents who suffered from debilitating depression and severe general anxiety for most of my life. They were never abusive, although they were sometimes too wrapped in their own misery to help me.  I took on responsibility for their moods when I was still a small child and learned to never upset them by displaying any strong emotion or showing any physical pain. 

 

But as several people here have said, you cannot control anyone else's emotions and are not responsible for what they feel.  You also have a right to your own feelings. If you want to say so long to your grandfather (I'm assuming you mean a final farewell?), then do so. If it is too uncomfortable for you, then just accept that you have hit a limitation and forgive yourself for it. You can only do what you can do.

 

 

[Pomelord.]

5 hours ago, Reindeer said:

How do I make myself less triggering? 

I don't think you can actually make yourself less triggering if you're already a calm and collected person the way you described yourself. My personal experience is that a lot more people are triggered by anxious behavior than by a calm demeanor.

And even if you did change for the "better" somehow – you seem to have a complicated relationship with your parents. I have a suspicion that they don't want to see the good in who you are and what you do, so they will find fault with you no matter how non-triggering you make yourself.

[Picklethewickle]

It's not your fault that your mom is abusive. It's also not your responsibility, nor in your power, to regulate other people's emotions or to control their behaviour.

 

I'm sorry your family is preventing you from seeing your grandfather. Do you have anyone on your side who can get your mother away for a time, long enough for you to come say goodbyes?

[Reindeer]

34 minutes ago, Picklethewickle said:

It's not your fault that your mom is abusive. It's also not your responsibility, nor in your power, to regulate other people's emotions or to control their behaviour.

 

I'm sorry your family is preventing you from seeing your grandfather. Do you have anyone on your side who can get your mother away for a time, long enough for you to come say goodbyes?

I decided I might video call them. I did this last time. Than I don't have to physically be there and My mother can not attempt to murder me. 

[Picklethewickle]

Wow. I'm sorry you have it so rough. I hope you are doing okay, and that you are able to reach your grandfather.